In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think... until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the checkout operator threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him lying dead in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips,teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the Hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone a fraction of an inch to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr.Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
[Edited on 9-9-2003 by KruizinKombi]
KruizinKombi ·
Dear Mum
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.
We are okay.
Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down,
that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the bonnet.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.
All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the kids were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink
because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great.
You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now.
We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.
Don't worry about anything we are fine.
Love, Timothy
KruizinKombi ·
Newspaper Article: by Jonathan Hayter
Staring at women's breasts is good for men's health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.
Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.
A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.
Dr. Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly e1uivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.
"There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.
"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.
"We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
KruizinKombi ·
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here,spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"F--k off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"
KruizinKombi ·
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been
eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen And yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was
Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the
coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and
put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold
early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn
table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter
box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided
to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen
with your grumpy presence, listen good, I'm only going to say this one more
time."
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F--KING PORRIDGE YET !!"
KruizinKombi ·
baybuscamperkid ·
very good. my favourite Darwin award is the guys who, upon finding an old mine in an old building, decided to shoot at it to see if it was still live...
amazer ·
My favourite is one from Queensland where 2 guys after walking 20 kms down the road with a jerry can of fuel, one of them sparked up his lighter so they could see where to pour the fuel in.
Boozer ·
I like the one where a romainian guy wanted to make fireworks for new years eve and tried to open a sixty year old German😎 stick grenade with a chainsaw to get the explosives out.:o😀
Boozer ·
A friend sent this to me as a warning about firecrackers and if people are holding them and say "Hey watch this!".
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket. "However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the rows of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind them and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The morale of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the low brass section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!" 😀
Boozer ·
By the way I have tons of these stories form all over the net.😀
This is a transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the USS Missouri, we are a large warship of the US navy. Divert your course NOW.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. 😀:o😀
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO!!! 😀😀😀:thumb:thumb:thumb
Oasis ·
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20 . Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Oasis ·
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part
of the negotiations, it was conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known
as Euro English (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be
replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing"th" by
"z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing"th" by
"z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru.
fish ·
all pertty funny eh!!! still laughing about the guys in the pick up. duh!!!
kOMBI KARMA ·
just one
Stanley ·
You know you're living in 2003 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more,
except to send you jokes from the net.
15. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9
16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9 (Bet
you all did!?)
buzzbug ·
FBI TOP 12 DEATHS OF THE YEAR Every year the
FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious
Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts
out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
1 - Alan Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a
20-inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's
strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of
fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alan's anus
until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed
the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road
with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was
hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old
daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner.
Young Samantha. Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should,
and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as
he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed.
Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't
realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the
same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend
he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance
was met with double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father
had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
5-Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his
rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with
a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent .
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the
troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped
out in front f them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop
up fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target.
She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers
stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by brother Michael
because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his
sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times
with the broken aerial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist
Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair
with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted
Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly
radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. A lthough she
suffered many symptoms, including total air loss, skin welts,
blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by
loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).
The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,
forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing.. Several
persons heard the explosion some up to 14 kilometres away. No traces of
the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-meter deep crater, and 500m
of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the
early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for
years had a mounted F4 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would
fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.
Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff 's officers
about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a
notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss
Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What
Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she
walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees,
killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie,
Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend,
Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a
double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side,
God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to
downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was
deceased.
12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian
after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their
parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense
of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck
back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas.
He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry
for fighting, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar,
the house, and himself in the process
KruizinKombi ·
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Thanks 11CAB
KruizinKombi ·
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to
her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
exclaimed:"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the
next room.The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your
> knees". She did."Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ... take out ....." he said.She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well ... go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips,tentatively said........... "Hello. Mom, can you hear me?
KruizinKombi ·
>Calling In Sick...
>
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body tocontort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
The_Bronze. ·
Most sent by Lee. Thanks Mate
> This sounds about right:
> Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% ?
> We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
> How about achieving 103%?
> Here's a little
> math that might prove helpful.
>
> What makes life 100% ?
> If:
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
> Then:
> H A R D W O R K
> 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
>
> K N O W L E D G E
> 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
>
> But,
>
> A T T I T U D E
> 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
>
> And,
>
> B U L L S H I T
> 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
>
> So, it stands to reason that hard work and
> knowledge will get you close,
> attitude will get you there,
> but bullshit will put you over the top.
>
> And look how far ass kissing will take you.
> A S S K I S S I N G
> 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7= 127 %
The_Bronze. ·
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully
in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General
Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for
forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the
terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said,
"I believe that forgiving them is God's function.
Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
KruizinKombi ·
WHO IS JACK SCHITT???
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you've been up to.
KruizinKombi ·
Barry Logan
Jamul (pronounced Ha' mool), CA 91935
_______________________________________________________________
April 4, 2000
Dear Tom and Ray (a.k.a., click and clack),
I respectfully ask you to withdraw the VW bus from the ten-worst-cars-of-the-millennium list.
To condemn to ignominy the VW bus that you claim is among the worst cars of the millennium, without (by your own admission) actually having owned one, is a betrayal of the American notion of justice.
While it is true that the bus is slow, has a pathetic heater, has terrible cross-wind stability and is often held together by flower stickers, those are just superficial characteristics that miss completely the transcendent nature of this wonderful machine.
It's true that a bus needs 100 pounds of tools and spare parts in its cargo inventory for even a trip to the grocery store (fortunately, thanks to Carl Franz, even a *complete idiot* can fix one); And it is true that I was unemployed for ten years because I had to stay home to fix my bus, but in doing so I (along with many other bus owners) overcame all the petty objections mentioned above.
Anti-sway bars were added eliminating the crosswind instability problems, I built a high-performance 100MPH motor that made sailing up the mountain passes of the West, in the fast lane, possible. A gas-fired heater keeps everyone toasty in the winter when we drive to the Sequoia redwoods to visit them with a mantle of snow.
Don't know about Boston, but there are still a plethora of buses roaming around the West. Many are used as daily drivers with hundreds of thousands of miles on them. Their owners love them. How could it be put in the same company with the others on the list?
You deserve our love, pity and compassion for your ignorance and obvious deficiency of life experience. Poor brothers, worked on the bus as a piece of broken machinery, but never had the opportunity of having a peak experience* in one, as I have so many times on road trips of epic proportions.
My buses have traveled from Alaska to Central America; from California to New York and Florida, by back road, off-road, county road, blue highway, and scenic byway, intimately exploring the world with family, friends and lovers. Happy trips, adventures, and learning experiences. The ambiance of the bus itself lends some ineffable quality to each journey that makes a road trip in one, an extra-ordinary experience.
If the bus could talk, it would regale you with endless stories of torturous-mountain crossings, deserted tropical beaches, ancient ruins, warm nights, Vicious hail, Florida panthers, scarlet macaws, fresh pineapple, smoking volcanoes, hidden oases, cave paintings, gourmet meals made in Guadalcanal conditions, the smell of a thousand campfires, crimson skies at dawn and dusk, the burden of kayaks and mountain bikes, the joy of touching grey whales, new friends made, and old friends reunited.
If you had experienced just one of the myriad nights of passionate romance spent with the most wondrous women on Earth, sunroof pulled back revealing a canopy of stars blazing through a clear desert night, you would speak of the bus with reverence and not derision. Their essence, wisdom, beauty, excitement and love continue to suffuse the carapace of the bus and animate it with an energy that infects all those who travel in it.
I am reminded of a time when I was hitchhiking and was picked up by a VW bus in Oregon. The side doors swung open, inside was a collection of other hitchhikers traveling the road less taken. I was received into an instant community of strangers* who fell into rapturous rapport. People were communicating their hopes, dreams and visions of the future, instead the timid, anxious and cruel fears that one is so likely to hear today, when one picks up a stranger on the road.
After 27 years and more that one half million miles of VW bus ownership, The essence of all these experiences is palpable, and surrounds me as I continue to journey down the road in my bus.
If, as the saying goes in California, *you are what you drive*, then having the bus on the ten-worst list devalues the lives of so many of us who feel that the bus has been an immeasurable and wonderful part of our existence over the years.
Do you know that bus owners wave at each other as they pass? We are a society of people who share a tradition, a common experience. People who understand that the quintessential of this thing called life, is the journey itself and not the destination. (Arriving somewhere an hour ahead of the bus, wisked there in air conditioned 85MPH comfort, misses the point entirely).
What a long strange trip it's been.
Peace,
KruizinKombi ·
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth".
KruizinKombi ·
I am a Volkswagen owner and solemnly swear to:
-Make sure that valves are adjusted by myself each and every 3000 miles or 3 months whichever comes first.
-Change the oil, myself, every 3000 miles or every 3 months whichever comes first.
-I will occasionally thumb my nose at the various 'quickie' oil/lube places when I pass them by.
-Never lug or race the engine on uphills or downhills.
-Lay awake at night thinking about what that noise was when I drove home from work today.
-Always include something about VWs in almost every conversation with my SO [Significant Other].
-Take the ribbing, cussing and screaming that my SO gives me for the previously mentioned act.
-For at least 30 minutes a week I will lay on my back underneath my VW talking to it and myself and con- template future maintenance and modification for it.
-Make sure that my greasy garage cloths are kept separate from the rest of the laundry.
-Have at least 3 manuals devoted to my VWs model year.
-Keep my greasy 'mitts' off of my SO's clean towels.
-Be damn sure to wear my 'car working' clothes and not my good ones when I proceed to do any work on my car.
-I will keep a set of 'car working' clothes or coveralls in my VW at all times for emergency repair work.
-I will keep a tube or tub of hand cleaner in my VW at all times.
-That the top ten items on my Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary list are VW related.
-Make sure that any gifts I buy my SO are not VW related.
-At least 3 of my shirts and hats have some kind of VW emblem on them.
-I know all of the VW FLAPS [Friendly Local Auto Parts Store] in town and have memorized all of their phone numbers.
-Own a torque wrench and understand how to use it.
-Keep a record book of my VWs maintenance history.
-Show that record book to everyone that comes over as if were pictures of a brand new baby.
-Explain to my SO that my VW is my baby.
-Learn to recite in your head your VWs entire maintenance schedule so you can do it while brushing your teeth.
-Know that there is no such thing as 'borrowing oil'.
-Know exactly how many miles you have left to drive before you run out of gas.
-Have all the necessary parts and tools ready for when you break down.
-Know all the phone numbers you need to call if you can't fix it.
-Learn how to sleep in my VW.
-Learn how to push my VW.
-Learn how to drive my VW with a broken clutch cable.
-Learn to keep a spare clutch cable in my VW.
-Make sure the top 5 numbers on all my phone lists are VW related.
-My desk at work has VW related items on it.
-Make sure that when anyone at my work has a problem with their VW, I am the first person they call.
-Be the only one to add or take any fluids to or from my VW.
-And finally, understand that I am a VW nut and not everyone can comprehend this... ability... and cannot understand why I eat, drink, breath, stink and sleep Volkswagens. I can only accept that I do and therefore, will act and behave accordingly...
So (please) help me God.
KruizinKombi ·
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Boozer ·
Bad Day at the Office
1998 Urban Legend
The sister of the deceased in Scuba Divers and Forest Fires shows us his last email message to her.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints.
When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than poison ivy under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
Original source: forwarded email in August 1999
Boozer ·
Bees 1, Humans 0
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(23 September 2002, Brazil) A farm keeper from São Paulo decided to remove a beehive from his orange tree. He didn't know exactly how to proceed, but he knew the hive should be burned, and he knew bees sting. So he protected his head with a plastic bag sealed tightly around his neck, grabbed a torch, and went off to fight the bees.
His worried wife went to look for him a few hours later, and found him dead. However, it wasn't the bees that killed him. The plastic bag had protected him from smoke, stingers, and... oxygen! He had forgotten to put breathing holes in the bag.
Boozer ·
Bizarre Death
1994 Urban Legend
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Boozer ·
Breasts Injure Four
1999 Urban Legend
(June 1999) Four people were admitted to a hospital after a string of bizarre accidents earlier this month. Sherry was admitted with a head wound. Tim was diagnosed with whiplash and chest contusions. Bryan suffered from torn gum tissue, and several of Pamela's fingers were bitten off.
These are the facts:
When Sherry dropped her husband off for his first day of work, she kissed him goodbye and flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said. "I didn't think anyone would see, and besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." Unbeknownst to her, the cab driver did see her breasts, and he lost control of his taxi. It careened over a curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building, where Pamela, a dental technician, was cleaning Bryan's gums. When the car came through the wall, Bryan bit down in shock, severing two fingers from Pamela's righthand.
Breast-flasher Sherry was injured by masonry falling from the Johnson Medical Building.
Boozer ·
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
Boozer ·
Electric Eccentric
2002 Personal Account
It used to be, the dumbest thing I ever did was to come out of the kitchen with my hands dripping wet, and reach down to plug in a lamp. I got quite a shock, but the lamp still works. But now there's a new "Dumbest Thing I Ever Did" story.
I was cleaning the greasy range hood over my stove, with a sponge and a bucket of dish soapy water. There I was, scrubbing away, bent partially upside down, when my brother dropped by. He began giving me grief about the improper cleaning method I was using.
I myself was a mess of grime, and my brother sat clean and natty, not lifting a finger, so naturally I became irritated. "How else should I clean it?!"
It turns out that his real concern was the burnt-out light bulb, across which I was sloshing soapy water. The socket was empty, and live.
"Water and electricity don't mix," he said.
I told him, dripping with sarcasm, "Yeah, THAT would be a problem if I were stupid enough to take my wet finger and stick it in the open socket..." which were the last words I heard for five minutes.
I apparently stuck my finger right in the socket...
Boozer ·
Faulty Aim Fatal
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are unknown, but *may* have been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I'll make them hot, sweaty, tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."
During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I'll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"
Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.
Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.
Boozer ·
Frog Giggin' Accident in Arkansas
1998 Urban Legend
(1996) Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-giggin' trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught.
Incorrectly attributed to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, 25 July 1996. The Gazette issued a decisive statement denouncing this story as a hoax on October 17, 1997.
Boozer ·
Gun Safety Training
2000 Darwin Award Runner-Up
Confirmed True by Darwin
/misc/index.zeebarf.html/misc/index.zeebarf.html(28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.
Boozer ·
Historic Darwins
1994 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I embarked on the 3rd Crusade to recapture the Holy Land in the twelfth century. After spending days trudging across the dry summer desert, his army came upon the River Saleph. In his parched state, Frederick threw caution to the wind -- instead of his heavy armor -- and plunged into the river, whereupon he sank to the bottom and drowned.
Attila the Hun was one of the most notorious villains in history. He conquered all of Asia by 450 A.D. by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside. This bloodthirsty man died from a nosebleed on his wedding night. After feasting and toasting his own good fortune, he was too drunk to notice his nose, and he drowned in a snoutful of his own blood.
Tycho Brahe, a sixteenth-century Danish astronomer whose research helped Sir Isaac Newton devise the theory of gravity, died because he didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. In that society it was considered an insult to leave the table before the banquet was over. Brahe forgot to relieve himself before the banquet began, then exacerbated matters by imbibing too much alcohol at dinner. Too polite to ask to be excused, he instead allowed his bladder to burst, which killed him slowly and painfully over the next eleven days.
Francis Bacon was an influential statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist in the sixteenth century. He died while stuffing snow into a chicken. He had been struck by the notion that snow instead of salt might be used to preserve meat. To test his theory he stood outside in the snow and attempted to stuff the bird. The chicken didn’t freeze, but Bacon did, prompting the question “Which froze first? The Bacon or the egg?”
Jean-Baptiste Lully, a seventeenth-century composer who wrote music for the king of France, died from an overdose of “musical enthusiasm.” While rehearsing for a concert, he became overexcited and drove his baton right through his foot. He succumbed to blood poisoning.
Boozer ·
Jet Assisted Take-Off
1995 Darwin Awards Winner
Confirmed Bogus by Darwin
/misc/index.zeebarf.html
/misc/index.zeebarf.htmlThe Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.
The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.
It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.
Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.
The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:
The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.
The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-Dung."
Boozer ·
Macho Men?
1996 Darwin Awards Winner
/misc/index.zeebarf.html/misc/index.zeebarf.htmlSome men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," je swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
Boozer ·
Misadventure at the Metallica Concert
1998 Urban Legend
(1996) Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake, 24, and his friend, Ormond D. Young, 27, at a Friday night Metallica concert.
Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20-ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground, adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the parking lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7-foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in.
They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake. They did not count on the fact that, while it was a 7-foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23-foot drop on the other side.
Young, who weighed 255 lbs. and was quite inebriated, jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the distance before a large tree branch broke his fall and his left forearm. He also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in great pain and had no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided to cut his shorts off and fall to the bushes below. As soon as he cut the last bit of fabric holding him on the branch, he suddenly plummeted the rest of the way down, losing his grip on the knife. The bushes he had depended on to break his fall were actually holly bushes, and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch, effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 feet up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. He was in tremendous pain.
Enter his friend Robert Uhlenake.
Uhlenake had observed the series of tumbles and realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pulling him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Happily, despite his drunken state, he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his drunken state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse rather than into drive. He broke through the fence and landed on Young, killing him. Uhlenake was thrown from the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.
"So that's how a dead 255 lb. man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass, came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.
Boozer ·
Overkill I
1999 Urban Legend
In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood atop a sheer cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Now freed from the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
Boozer ·
Shorties: Stupid Human Tricks
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.
A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.
Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.
News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.
In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.
Boozer ·
The Barbequed Chef
2002 Personal Account
(August 2002, Ontario, Canada) I was attempting to light my new barbecue lighter, when I discovered that my lighter -- a long stick with a click button -- was out of fluid. I took it to the laundry room, and filled it over the water basin. I later discovered that I was using the wrong type of fluid, but that's part of another story.
I decided to test it, figuring the flame would be at least 8" from any fuel on my hand. What I hadn't figured was the effect of the flame on the stream of fuel leaking down to the tip of the lighter. When I clicked the button, to my astonishment, my whole hand caught on fire.
I hollered, "Oh, darn!" (Or words to that effect.) Having one's hand on fire is neither relaxing nor calming, and I must have flinched, thereby squeezing more fuel from the container in my other hand, engulfing my already-burning hand in a ball of flames.
At this point, I dropped everything into the basin, igniting the whole shebang: the lighter, the canister of fuel, and some dust mites. I exclaimed, "Oh, darn!" And I began to become quite concerned.
I tried to smother the flames on my hand by clapping, but just lit the other hand on fire, too. I hit the floor and tried the standard Stop Drop and Roll technique, but that doesn't work well on a concrete floor. I eventually extinguished my hands with a nearby floor mat, thereby leaving them free to deal with a growing concern...
The laundry basin was completely engulfed in flames. I was trapped by indecision. Should I run for a gigantic box of baking soda, or would water put it out? That's when I made the worst decision of the day.
I cranked on the water taps over the basin.
Lighter fluid and water do not, in fact, mix. Now I had fast-moving liquid flames to deal with! Luckily, it turned out that turning the taps on full allowed the water to "outnumber" the fire, which was eventually put out.
At that point, I made the smartest decision of all. After those 30 seconds of excitement were over, I took off my wedding ring. This served two purposes: It did not get stuck to my finger while it swelled and blistered, and it kept the world from knowing that my wife had actually married such an idiot!
And now to share with you an important safety tip I learned during this experience: When you do catch on fire, don't yell, "Oh, darn!" Instead, yell, "Fire!!! HOLY S**T I'm f**king on fire!!!” This sends a clear message to your wife that all is not well.
Boozer ·
As you can see I have tons of these from all over the place, enjoy...
The Bricklayer
1998 Urban Legend
Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."
"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."
"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
Boozer ·
Tired Ammo
1990 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
(1990’s, United States) I heard the following at work in the gun shop. The events described below (if it’s not a legend) occurred in the 1990’s in the southwest.
A small-time hood (about to be even smaller) broke into the home of a World War Two veteran and stole, among other things, the old G.I.'s .45 automatic pistol, which he used in battle in the 1940's. The hoodlum then reported directly to a local convenience store and proceeded to rob the cashier while brandishing his new pistol. The cashier, no dummy, followed orders and handed over the contents of the register.
Our thug took the money and turned to leave, but suddenly decided he didn’t want to leave a witnesses… other than the security camera, that is. He leveled the pistol at the cashier and pulled the trigger.
"CLICK!" went the gun.
At this unexpected development, the puzzled crook looked straight down the barrel of his weapon and uttered the words, "What the...?"
As it turned out, the WWII veteran had WWII vintage ammunition in his WWII vintage pistol. Priming caps over time are known to lose their "spontaneous" nature, particularly if stored improperly, causing what is known as a hang-fire: The primer smolders into a delayed ignition.
Such was the case here.
Just as the puzzled crook had the barrel pointed squarely at his own eye, the hang-fired primer detonated, sending a half-inch chunk of lead and associated hot combustion gases directly into the felon's skull at 900 feet per second.
The range was less than six inches.
The body could only be identified by fingerprints.
As the story was related to me, the police officer who responded to the original gun burglary was also at the scene of the armed robbery. He picked up the .45 and verified the serial number, then returned it to the WWII veteran.
Case closed.
Boozer ·
Insanity Inc.
Accident Of The Day
Unfortunate Husband
This guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.
His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.
Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet. Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.
The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.
Boozer ·
this is the last one I can find, for the moment...
Wrong Time, Wrong Place
1990 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
/misc/index.zeebarf.html
/misc/index.zeebarf.html3 February 1990, Washington
A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, WA. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO!!! Nice collection Boozer! :thumb😀
Boozer ·
I think I can find a few more, heres another one...
Truck Stop
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(31 March 2002, Bangladesh) Six highway robbers, who had apparently watched too many gangster movies, were caught in their own trap when they blocked a bypass with their car at midnight. The driver of an oncoming truck carrying a cargo of cows was unable to halt his heavy vehicle in time. The truck rolled right through the blockade, crushing the car and its scheming occupants. Five dacoits died, and the sixth was critically wounded.
A cow was also killed in the accident.
baybuscamperkid ·
not a darwin, but something that should almost have made it. my grandparents had a bit of a wasp problem, european wasps to be presise, and they tried everything without success to get rid of them. then my grandfather hit on a novel idea.
late one night, wearing only a shirt and pants, and equipped with a 2x4 and a torch, he headed out to the hive, plugged all but one hole, so that the wasps only had one route of escape, and shone the torch into the one remaining hole, with the intention of hitting the wasps 1 by1 as they came out. the next morning he explained to us how because he was european and the wasps were european, that he was immune to there sting, and demonstrated this by holding up his shirt, ful of dead wasps.
Oasis ·
1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
5. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
13. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
16. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.
17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
19. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
20. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword
21. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
22. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
23. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
KruizinKombi ·
Another one from Mel (Mrs 11Cab):
A rich white man in Katherine decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only aboriginal in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh*t like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Kung Fu master. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again, Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the Mother@#&%er who pushed me in the pool.
😀
KruizinKombi ·
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section
and Mick says to Paddy,"Dats Dem".
The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere",
says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag".
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300
foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the
four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down
for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!'
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock Dat, budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the petshop and he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.
He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus
is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the
cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and
blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another
'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting
noider..."
After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the petshop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit
his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, fockin' hengliding."
Oasis ·
It was the first day of school and a new student named Huong, the
son of a Vietnamese businessman, entered year four in Australia.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Australian
history.
Who said, "Vinegar Hill!"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Huong, "Captain Henry Ross, Eureka Stockade, Ballarat, 1854." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'We shall form a Commonwealth and govern from Canberra'?"
Again, no response except from Huong: "General Sir John Monash, 1915."
said Huong.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Huong, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Vietnamese." "Who said that?"
she demanded. Huong put his hand up. "Bruce Ruxton, 1975."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Huong says,
"Paul Keating, meeting Malaysian Prime Minister Dr Mahathir, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Huong jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Gareth Evans, to Cheryl Kernot, 1999!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you." Huong frantically yells at the top
of his voice, "Peter Reith to Rear Admiral Chris Ritchie at the "children
overboard" enquiry, 2001."
The teacher fainted.
And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
and Huong said, "Ansett Australia, 2002"!!
And Another....
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be
told, he's none too experienced either. On their wedding night she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My dalling' he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you belly flighten. I plomise you I give you anyting you want, I do anyting ... jus anyting you want ...- you say...whatchou want?" he says trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her response. She eventually replies shyly and unsurely "I want num' 69"
More thoughtful silence ... this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ... "You want ... Beef wif Bloccoli?"
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
KruizinKombi ·
Some funny pics I got via email:
KruizinKombi ·
For all of us Optimax buyers: :o
KruizinKombi ·
My favourite 😀
Jay_1965vw ·
The Washington Post publishes a yearly in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some recent winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish Expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
The Post also invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some of those winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid (e.g.: "I'm a doctor...")
4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Glibido: All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid dideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
decked dubby ·
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnnys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
[Edited on 1-9-2003 by decked dubby]
Tazz ·
When our son was young we had to go out of town. Our
station wagon was overheating so we borrowed my
sister's Mercedes. While traveling our son entertained
himself with all the Mercedes' buttons. He asked why
we didn't have a car like this. I answered him by
saying that in this life you either have children and
a station wagon or no children and a Mercedes. Months
later, the subject of the birds and the bees came up
and I asked my son if he understood what happens when
egg and sperm unite. His answer: "There goes your
Mercedes."
KruizinKombi ·
Hey, I've got no kids, and I'm still driving a kombi!!!
This next one has been around the traps a bit. I got it from Jen, who got it from Tazz, and I think Jay and Shani have had it too....
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups.
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of a small country
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas
How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
Leave in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound
Look at manly physique in the mirror
Admire size of knob and scratch your ass
Get in the shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap
Shampoo hair
Make shampoo mohawk
Pee
Rinse off and get out of the shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on the floor
Admire knob size in mirror again
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
KruizinKombi ·
One from Thook:
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment".
The husband replies "your eyesight's f*ckin' spot on".
KruizinKombi ·
Another one from Thook (she has way too much time on her handS!!!)
This girl walks into a chemist's shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by
having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Tazz ·
Just a pick
wibble ·
recieved this in an e-mail.....
We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from
New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but divided into many States. First, there's
Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is
the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, café latte, grand final day and big
horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is
that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. It's
mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to
keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels
as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had
the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula
One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the
last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there
in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and
dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of
our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly
over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect
the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in
joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party, albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes
and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're
whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no
worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national
attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's
about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league
and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the
biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst
dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an
ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security
guards or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.... Stand proud
Aussies....We shoot, we root, we vote.
We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. even though we might seem a
racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel
better for it.
You are, I am, we are Australian
lugnuts ·
Normally i dont give a toss,but after reading that i feel dam proud to be an aussie,ADVANCE AUSTRALIA SQUARE,😀
Bugged Again ·
No mention of teh Kiwis that make up about half the population???
KruizinKombi ·
I like it Tazz. :thumb
This is a good one, I heard it a while ago, and now it arrives in my email. Thanks Thook...
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......................
"Go get your mother."
SKEWtYpe3 ·
yeah the New Zealanders were mentioned, theres too many it said :thumb
This stirring piece of web site literature shows the true genius that is Australia … where else can a man drink 52 cans of the gold brew while flying at high altitude and still beat the poms at cricket!!!!
I feel proud to be an Australian now.😀:thumb Damn Straight!:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer:beer
KruizinKombi ·
Very funny wibble, and all true!! I do wish you'd put it in the 'Funny Emails' thread though...
:thumb😀
wibble ·
oops! I didn't know one existed untill I saw it today, so how do I move it? or do we just delete it?
KruizinKombi ·
It's done now. 🙂
Brad ·
what
amazer ·
Another darwin award... not from an email but from the local news.
A 23 yr old dapto man is in hospital in stable condition. He was left with serious wounds to his genitals and nearby regions when fireworks went off between his buttocks.
:o
zac_smits ·
ooooooooooooo
poor guy. u wouldn't wish that one on anywone.
what was he doing with the fireworks between his buttocks anyway???:O:O
amazer ·
I dunno. he's from dapto. Probably trying to smoke it. Did you see the south park episode where they... ate and pooped in reverse? maybe he thought it was a true story.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
-----------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
---------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
-------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
-------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------
P: DAME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
-------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
-----------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
-----------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
-----------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
-------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
-----------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Tazz ·
Awesome!
Tazz ·
Little Mary was in the garden filling up a hole with dirt,
when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you doing there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully without looking up. "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,
"That's because he's inside your f **cking cat."
zac_smits ·
aww tazz that's an old one
still trying to catch up with the times are you?
Boozer ·
love the aircraft one!:thumb😀
jenz58 ·
I sent out that 'What's wrong' pic
My daughter messaged me to say it was 'NASTY' lol
Jay sent me one in return that made me jump even higher:o
She'd received both in the same morning, spooky:alien
Oasis ·
Mother Teresa dies and goes to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into
Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says, "God, I am grateful
to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led, but here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in
the other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand...."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says: "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
MARRIAGE (PART1)
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on The table unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with My old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are My rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
MARRIAGE (PART II)
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th Wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you A headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
MARRIAGE (PART III)
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated Husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is So proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" In spite of
her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
MARRIAGE (PART V)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
MARRIAGE (PART VI)
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, And recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times A week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband That his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on
Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the drunk's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct; but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
[Edited on 15-9-2003 by Oasis]
KruizinKombi ·
Another one from Thook:
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chiefs surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dickhead, for the last time, I said, "Bring Posse!"
LittleMissHerbina ·
hey, i know you are online so please get back to me...
I just read that whole loan ranger thing and didn't get the end of it.
I hate having to explain jokes to people but.
what was the horse sposed to bring??
Posse?????? whats that???????
Now i sound like a loser
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO @ purple!!! 😀 (sorry, couldn't help myself!!)
Posse: (n) a group of people summoned by a sheriff to assist in keeping the peace (The Concise English Dictionary)
LittleMissHerbina ·
ok,
so what made the horse bring back the blonde and the brunette??
I know i am a dickhead.
By the way,
I am not blonde
just naturally stupid!
KruizinKombi ·
Hahaha, too funny!!!
He had to whisper "Bring Posse" to Silver, but Silver thought he said "Bring Pussy" 😉
amazer ·
KruizinKombi wrote:This one is from Jenz58:
To the engineer in all of us.
Subject: Qantas Mechanics
Gee Kol thats a good one. havent heard that before! :P
amazer ·
Heres another one that you can repeat in 6 posts 😉 Tis a bit rude but got sent to me through a long chain of female addresses so...
If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg.
you only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up, your life aint that bad.
KruizinKombi ·
Hmmm, I get too many of these things to figure out which one I've done before...
Oasis ·
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
`
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another" --George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
`
""Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
`
Oasis ·
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe
KruizinKombi ·
That is assuming that you are already an established reader and have the cognitive ability to cope with the Close Technique. 🙂
amazer ·
I can read that. But I've been reading birchallspeak for a couple of years now.
KruizinKombi ·
Another one from Thook (One day she'll start posting them here instead of filling up my inbox!!):
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
amazer ·
THE PERKS OF BEING OLD
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write Post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN...... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
(Amen!)
Midlife crisis ·
KruizinKombi ·
LOL!!! 😀😀😀
I've seen it before, but it's still funny!!!:thumb
amazer ·
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar
that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical
instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man,
calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing
better than Jimmy Hendrix.The guitar owner pays up the £50.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet.
This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The
trumpet-owner coughs up the £50. Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some
bagpipes on the table.
The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs
Off with a confused look.
Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
amazer ·
THINGS TO DO AT KMART (or similiar) WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay-away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose or scratch yourself.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling knives in the kitchen department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
zac_smits ·
hey those r good. i'm gunna use those ones for sure
zac😀
Boozer ·
very funny.
zac_smits ·
> As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
> the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
>
> Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
> Judith
> Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination".
>
> Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
> right? Is the captain a woman?"
>
> When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
> understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
>
> "Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."
>
> "My God," said Joe. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
> know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
>
> "That's another thing sir," said the attendant. "We no longer call it
> the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
>
Boozer ·
😀
zac_smits ·
I found nemo!!!
zac_smits ·
What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am good in
bed. Come home with me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's good in bed. You
should go home with him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm good in bed. Come over to my
place." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your
tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the
way, I'm good in bed. Wanna come home with me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"Take me home..I know you're good in bed..." ...That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm good in
bed. Let's go...!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's
Customer Feedback
Thook ·
I get heaps of emails daily.....but being the non forum god like the rest of you, I have no idea how to post them on here....maybe I'll get Graham to show me one day....but till then .....I'll keep sending them to you Col...😀:kiss
amazer ·
Brian wanted to buy a Volkswagen. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful ’60 Ghia with a for sale sign on it. The car seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 40 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 40 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the car is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Brian a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the car there. But just before they enter the house she stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Brian is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Brian decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girl. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfiend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Brian remembers his car, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:
"Alright, enough already, I'll do the dishes!"
KruizinKombi ·
I get some funny emails, but so does my wife. Here's some of the pics that were in a recent one....
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
Interesting place, I bet...
KruizinKombi ·
Another email from Thooky....
* CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
* VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
* LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
* RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
* MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
* OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
* DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
* ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
* TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down.
* DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
* PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
* ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be back.
* LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
KruizinKombi ·
Thooky again....
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And another pic....
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
A pic from Thook:
KruizinKombi ·
A pic from Thook:
KruizinKombi ·
More from Heather... 😀
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
.
KruizinKombi ·
Not so secret...
KruizinKombi ·
Which way? :o
zac_smits ·
very nice. had a good laugh at a few of them. (what is with the power pole in the middle of the road????)
jenz58 ·
Dentist sign is a classic LOL
Maybe for the last one the town is on a circular road:jesus
Got a very long but funny email from my son. He went on a drunken bus trip from London to the Octoberfest with a bunch of friends and house mates.
Bazza Mackenzie lives
Just got one of those Sierra Leone emails as I was just typing. Spooky
NO I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT!!!:jesus
Oasis ·
Sofa anyone?
Oasis ·
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe
Oasis ·
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20 . Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
jenz58 ·
LOL Oasis
I can see the point and it works!!!!😀
Boozer ·
These next two pics are of a $200 dollar bill (yes $200 dollar note you heard me correctly). Police in Kentucky are looking for a customer who succeded in paying for a $2 order at a fast food restaurant with a fake $200 bill featuring a picture of President George W. Bush and a depiction of the white house with a lawn sign saying, "we like broccoli." Authorities say the female checkout operator at a Dairy Queen in Danville even gave the culprit $198 in real money as change. As you can see the bill is very, highly detailed and is obviously intended as a joke and never to be taken seriously.
Boozer ·
the other side...
amazer ·
amazer wrote:Another darwin award... not from an email but from the local news.
A 23 yr old dapto man is in hospital in stable condition. He was left with serious wounds to his genitals and nearby regions when fireworks went off between his buttocks.
ouch!!! that's really not a nice article to read before you go to bed.
well, night 🙂
Oasis ·
Back on the wild frontier an American Soldier was fighting the Indians with bows and arrows. At the end of the day he was filled with arrows from top to bottom. He lowered himself into a hot spring to ease the pain. A fellow soldier asked him, "Does it hurt?" He replied, "Only when I laugh."
Oasis ·
Two vultures board an airplane; each carries two dead raccoons. The
> > stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
> > carrion
> > allowed per passenger."
> > >
> > 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
> > became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
> > never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the
> > lesser of two weevils."
> > >
> > 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but, when they lit a fire
> in
> > the craft, it sank, proving once again that: you can't have your kayak
and
> > heat it, too.
> > >
> > 4. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up
to
> > the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> > >
> > 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root
> > canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
> > >
> > 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in
> > the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
> hour,
> > the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?"
> > one asked, as they moved off.
> > "Because," the manager replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
> > open foyer."
> > >
> > 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain;
> > they name him "Juan."
> > Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
> > receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had
> a
> > picture of Ahmal.
> > Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
> > Ahmal."
> > >
> > 8. A group of friars were behind on their grocery payments, so they
opened
> > up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
> flowers
> > from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
> was
> > unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
> > He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
> rival
> > florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town
> to
> > "persuade" them to close.
> > Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
> they
> > didn't close up shop.
> > Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can
> > prevent florist friars.
> > >
> > 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
> > produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
> little,
> > which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
> > breath. This made him ... what?
> > A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
> > >
> > 10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to
> friends,
> > with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
KruizinKombi ·
Letters to the editor - local paper
It would appear the change agents never tire for they are now making changes to the English language.
The European Commision has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, S will repolace the soft C. Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. That hard C will be dropped in favour of K. This should klear up the konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome PH will be replaced with F. This will make words like fotograf 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent E in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing TH with Z, and W with V. During ze fifz year ze unesesary O kan be dropd from vords kontaining OU and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Agter ze fifz year ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl of difikutis and evriun vil find it ezi tu inderstand ech ozer.
What would Shakespeare say?
E. Nowak, Carrajung
zac_smits ·
oasis...they r absolute shockers...
kruizinkombi...ahh the irony, the irony
we r tenagers...we abrivate alrady :P
Oasis ·
Sorry Zac, you're right, but I've been taught to never give up, so here's another attempt.... And Col, that's my favourite one by a long shot.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
After paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one w word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever
going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ................ com-for-da-bul.
[Edited on 1-10-2003 by Oasis]
amazer ·
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who
likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young
man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the
loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt
(or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he
has a brilliant idea.
" I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,
which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing
almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just
as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really
should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk
retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers
notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf
of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to
catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is
asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After
many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really
going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop
the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at
her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?"
No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."
amazer ·
A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks - “and how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - “That was the Pizza delivery guy”.
Boozer ·
this one is self explanatory...😀 he he bugs in teeth...
Boozer ·
...
Boozer ·
this is a bit sus but go with it...
Boozer ·
ahh the american coast guard...i wanna boat like that:cry
Boozer ·
beware...
Boozer ·
here's a few donut ones...
Boozer ·
typical...
Boozer ·
...
Boozer ·
this is on a american soldier in Afghanistan's arm...
Boozer ·
this is on a american soldier in Afghanistan's arm...
Boozer ·
...
Boozer ·
...
Boozer ·
notice: clean seat, dirty driver...
Boozer ·
I wish it was the real Ronald Mcdonald!
Boozer ·
I hope i'm not gonna cop any flak from this cause i didn't make it!
Boozer ·
I think the american military needs VW's instead!
Boozer ·
two of my favourite bumper stickers...😀:thumb
Boozer ·
...
Boozer ·
he he he...
Jay_1965vw ·
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to
the London Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves
only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are
to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had
added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to
be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size
Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I
have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies
for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please
contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little Bars
of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today,
since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just
5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last
night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have
54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my
latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser -
11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser -
1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet -
14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish -
6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of the tub -
1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of the tub -
6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an
excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased
another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Black_math ·
Hehe i dont know why but im posting liddokun here as well😀
Black_math ·
heheh this would make teh most awesome avatar😀
Boozer ·
ugh no. if i had that as my avatar i would try to kill either myself or the computer screen by headbutting it severely...
Black_math ·
BUT....itd be a cool avatar😀
Black_math ·
Everybody loves liddokun😀
Boozer ·
nah THIS is better...and it's what i think of liddokun as an avatar... 😀:thumb
Black_math ·
Nnoooooooooooooooooo, LIDDOKUN RULES!😀 and i have my freinds the cuban communist army!😀
Boozer ·
uh read my other post about the cuban communist army...
Black_math ·
Yeah yeah i olny use them as an example.
KruizinKombi ·
Jay, LMAO!!! 😀😀😀
That was definitely the funniest thing I've read in quite a while!! :thumb
amazer ·
Ever since his late teens Ron had suffered from terrible headaches. Finally, in desperation and after years of misery, he sought medical advice.
Many tests later the doctor sat down with Ron to deliver his diagnosis. The doctor said, "Ron, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Ron was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice. Cut 'em.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Ron realized that he felt like a different person -he could make a new beginning and live a new life. Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Ron laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Ron tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Ron admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Ron thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Ron and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Ron was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Ron tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Ron adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Ron was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Ron's feet and said, "Let's see... 91/2" Ron was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Ron tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Ron walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Ron thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Ron's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Ron laughed, "Ah hah I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
amazer ·
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?".
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was
released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she
was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
...
God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
amazer ·
frustration
KruizinKombi ·
Haha, I love the testes joke!! 😀😀😀
Here's some more Darwin awards..... ya just gotta wonder about some of these!!
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down into the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!"
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f**k-up!"
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
KruizinKombi ·
Another email:
THE PARKING TICKET
I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a biro sucking d**khead. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote. I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
Peter Leonard ·
HAAHAHAAH Kol, that was cruel. 😀
Boozer ·
Nice!😀:thumb
Oasis ·
English Subtitles Used in Hong Kong Films:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
15. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
16. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
18. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
19. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
(Edited to save space! 🙂)
[Edited on 13-10-2003 by KruizinKombi]
Oasis ·
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the
>alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign
>stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her
>husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from
>him."
>
>They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65
>times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one
>mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn
>from this one, also."
>
>They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365
>times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated
>365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from
>this one."
>
>The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times
>with the same cow."
Oasis ·
There are two blondes on either side of a river. One yells out, "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde replied... "You are on the other side."
[Edited on 11-10-2003 by Oasis]
amazer ·
The Lesser of Three Evils
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room and in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day!" said George.
The devil opened a third door. Inside, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
modulus ·
Taken from a Year 12 Geography essay:
"Parts of the Sahara are so inhospitable that the locals have to live elsewhere."
zac_smits ·
hahaha..very nice way to end a day of avd browsing. thanks guys
Black_math ·
😀This is teh funniest post ever😀
amazer ·
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. Upon returning home, later that night, the girl could not wait to tell her grandmother about the date. She told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. Then she noted, "I did not let him disgrace the family. When he tried to do that, I just got on top of him and disgraced his family!"
amazer ·
New Mothers
Maternity Clothes .....
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth .....
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette .....
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries .....
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown -- you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier ....
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering .....
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it
or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about
the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities .....
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out .....
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
At Home .....
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isnt
squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins .....
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to
pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!
amazer ·
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. She is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my tush is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
buzzbug ·
Two dwarfs go into a bar one evening, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their seperate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of "here i come again ONE, TWO, THREE....UGH!!" all night long.
In the morning , the second dwarf asked the first "how did it go?".
The first muttered "it was so embarrassing, i simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head "you think that's embarrassing?"
"i couldn't even get on the fcuking bed...."
zac_smits ·
heheh the pregnancy ones are funny
i got one for you
"what's black, white and sits at the bottom of a pool???"
a baby in a myers bag
one more
what's red, sits in the corner and is continually getting smaller?
a baby with a potato peeler.
someone said those to me at school today
baybuscamperkid ·
zac, ur sick, but u missed some: whats blue and yellow and sits onthe bottom of a pool? a baby with popped floaties
why couldnt the baby get through the doorway? because it had a javelin through its head
what is more fun then nailing a baby to a wall? pulling it back off
etc. etc...
jenz58 ·
OK this will do until I find some dirt on guys😀
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.
Black_math ·
MORRE BABY JOKES MORE BABY JOKES😀😀:thumb
jenz58 ·
No way baby:P
If it really was a mans world...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and itwould work every time.
18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.
19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.
23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.
jenz58 ·
Amazer another one:thumb
DE-MERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN
(The code is finally broken-the demerit system is no longer a
mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it
out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do
something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way
the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed..................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night ........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............+5
You pummel it with a six iron....................................+10
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy..................................................-2
Named Tiffany...................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............................................-6
Tiffany has implants............................................-8
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner......................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ...........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team......................-10
THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely.............................-20
You forget your anniversary....................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................-60
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...............................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..........-15
FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself .....+30
And she contracts Lyme disease................................-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly.................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+1
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts...................................................-30
You say "I don't care because you have one too".................-800
FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use...........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday....................-40
DRIVING
You lost the directions on a trip.................................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ....................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them.....................................................-60
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .......................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding........................................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..............................................-35
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression...................................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV....+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.................-50
Well I liked the Stock Show one until the last line🙁
jenz58 ·
OK a shot at Lawyers
Who Said Lawyers Had A Way With Words?
The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials in the US and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr Slatery, you went on an elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...And won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in gaol and a
$24,000 fine.
Oasis ·
Damn, only 9/16 Jenz. I obviously don't know my dictators...
jenz58 ·
LOL
I did better than that:P
Think it's in the lips (snear or smirk), the grooming of mustache, and possibly signs of a fake hollywood tan as well:jesus
My goodness I did takle the test seriously, I do have to get a life:o
Wanna know how serious I can be? Go to this next link *jenz smirks*
Ahem, very good, in fact bloody good but only marginally true.... although I reckon I know that guy in the email
A jewish guy gets hit by a car and someone rushes over to him and checks his vital signs, puts him in the recovery position and puts a blanket over him, then asks him, "Are you comfortable?" The Jewish man shrugs his shoulders and replies... "I make a living..."
jenz58 ·
Hah!!! LOL
I love the old Jewish and Irish jokes:thumb
Black_math ·
Hehehe irish virus
DoNkEy ·
jenz58 ·
LOL
Why am I laughing???:jesus
Hey we're there to make life interesting for you guys:thumb
Hmm, here, there, where ever😀
zac_smits ·
yeh jen. isn't it that women are the ones that create the challenges for the guys? like trying to navigate with a woman holding the map
pyr0 ·
heheheh i tried the navigating one and i just winged it after i noticed shge had the map upside down :P i did tell her it was upside down but
jenz58 ·
I can navigate:bounce:bounce
Really and trully:thumb
DoNkEy ·
didn't want to post all these for fear of being slaughtered..but hey what the heck:P
DoNkEy ·
just a note.. I have nothing against women..well excpet maybe driving skill...but thats it😀
//avoids evil glare//
jenz58 ·
Hah!!!!!:P
DoNkEy ·
and who would of wondered...
Oasis ·
Haha very good.... Another Irish joke...
Paddy walks up to the barman and says, "What would be the best way to get to Dublin?"
The barmen asks him "Would you be walkin' or drivin'?"
Paddy says, "I'd be drivin."
The barmen says, "THAT would be the best way to get to Dublin..."
Oasis ·
...and for Jenz, some Jewish jokes (all told to me by a jewish mate by the way)
Two jews are driving past a Catholic church and see a sign out the front that says "Convert to catholicism and earn $500." Ben says to Hymie, "How about you go in and convert while I wait here in the traffic with the car. When you return we'll split the money." Hymie says, "Sure, thats a great idea. I'll see you soon."
Half an hour later Hymie returns and gets in the car. Ben says, "So, How was it? How do you feel? Did everything work out ok?" Hymie says, "yes, it was wonderful. I feel like a new man." Ben says, "Did you get the money??" to which Hymie replied, "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE??"
An old Jewish man is travelling on a train across Europe and asks the gentleman next to him "could I borrow your deodorant? I'm feeling rather uncomfortable." The man thinks that this can't hurt so he replies "certainly, here you go." A minute later the Jew sees him combing his hair and says, "Would you mind if I borrowed your comb?" The man thinks to himself 'I suppose it can't hurt' so he says, "Certainly sir. Here it is.." A few minutes later he starts brushing his teeth, and the Jewish man says, "Would you mind if I borrowed your tooth brush?" This was taking it a bit too far so he said to the Jew, "I wouldn't feel comfortable lending you my tooth brush." The Jew muttered under his breath, "Anti-Semite..."
jenz58 ·
Kewl, I like the convert one😀
Harry Potter is clever:thumb
Does anyone else read these and find they're hearing the accent? Hmmm, especially with the Irish one
KruizinKombi ·
Another one from Thook, who still hasn't worked out how to cut and paste! :P:P:P
Sooo bad makes it almost good
Subject: The Bells
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the Armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the Bishop sadly replied,
( scroll down )
( scroll down )
" ................ but his face rings a bell"
WAIT! there's more....
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you'll honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
And if you go to warrens diary you can see his dream car pictured here, yey go veedubs😀
KruizinKombi ·
Another one from Thook....
LITTLE TONY ON PHILOSOPHY
A young teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had a tighter arse, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'
Oasis ·
An old Jewish woman goes to her Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I've never had an orgasm and I'm 76 years old. Do you have any suggestions?" The Rabbi says, "As a matter of fact I do. Here's what you do. you hire a young strapping man. You lie down and your husband lies on top of you, and while he is doing this you ask the young man to stand above the both of you with his shirt off and muscles flexed slowly waving a towel. See if that works."
The Jewish couple agree to go home give it a try. They find a very handsome young man and take him home. The whole procedure starts and after 45 minutes the Jewish lady says "This is not working... Let's go back to the Rabbi."
"Rabbi!!! We did what you said and NOTHING Happened. Any other suggestions??"
"I have one last suggestion. Your husband and the young man swap positions. You make love to the young man and your husband stands above you and waves a towel." She says, "I'll give it a try Rabbi, but I don't have much hope."
When they get home she lays down and makes love to the strapping young man while her old husband stands there with his shirt off waving a towel. After 3 minutes she is screaming in ecstacy after having reached her very first orgasm. When the afterglow had started to wear off, the Old jewish man walks up to the young man and says, "Now THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
Black_math ·
Oxymororns:P
jenz58 ·
TOP OXYMORONS
Happily Married
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works
Just in case you were wondering:thumb
KruizinKombi ·
lmao @ "Microsoft Works" 😀😀😀
jenz58 ·
It's a joke isn't it!!!!😀
kol I loved you're last lot from Thook:thumb
Oasis ·
More Oxymorons:
Fresh Frozen
Light yet filling
Virtually spotless
Military Intelligence
Friendly Fire
amazer ·
what about LPG, Liquid Petroleum Gas.
At least thats what I think it stands for.
Oasis ·
Not funny, but interesting...
TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
ANSWERS
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
KruizinKombi ·
You guessed it, another email from Thook:
Subject: Australian justice
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!!"
Black_math ·
Hahaha, nice call with teh bus thing, and with hitler he also consulted with astrologists was extremly racist and not very nice person. cause everybody knows that
A policeman in Ireland knocks on Mrs O'Malley's door. When she answers He asks, "Excuse me, are you the wife of Paddy O'Malley ?"
She replies, "Yes I am."
"Well I'm sorry to inform you, but your husband has just died down at the brewery. He drowned in a vat of Guinness."
"Oh my God!!" she said. "Was it a quick death?"
"Oh no Mrs O'Malley, he got out 3 times to pee..."
11CAB ·
😀
amazer ·
one I heard on TV this morning.
3 men died just before christmas and met up before St Peter at the holy gates.
St Peter asked that they all bring something along in keeping with the spirit of christmas.
The first man pulled out his lighter, sparked it up and waved it around.
"Its a candle." he said.
St Peter opened the gate and he walked in.
err. cant remember what number 2 had.
St Peter opened the gate and let him walk in.
The third man steps up to peter and pulls out some sexy lace knickers.
"whats this?" asked Peter.
The third man replied, "they're carol's"
Oasis ·
Funny signs:
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
A guy dies and meets St Peter at the gates of heaven. He says to Peter, "I've just died and wouldn't mind going into heaven." Peter says, "Well I can't just let you in. What have you done to deserve entering heaven?" He replies, "Last Tuesday I gave $5 to the Smith Family." St Peter retorts, "What! Is that all you've done? You can't get into Heaven for that."
"Oh Wait... I also gave $5 to Unicef a month ago."
"Come on mate.." says Peter, "That's pathetic."
Wait.... I also gave $5 to the Red Cross yesterday!"
"Is that all?" Peter replied. "Yep, said the man."
St Peter says, "You wait here, and I'll go in and have a word with the boss and see what he says."
5 minutes later Jesus walks out, walks up to the man, puts his hand out and says, "Here's ya fifteen bucks back, now piss off..."
Like many people, I've heard this one before. It's an oldie, but a goodie, kinda like Birchall :P😀
A young man goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the
job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc&
you get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast so I told him he was going need a boat so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampax for his wife and I said, "Well, as you're not doin anything this weekend, you might as well go fishing."
Hbbear ·
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank
robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
security system got under way immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash
& valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the
bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one
pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes
contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
:puke
Hbbear ·
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided
only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the
day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates
and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you
died.”
The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife
was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her
with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t
find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live
on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge
by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started
hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the
refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of
the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since
it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
”Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing
aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle
and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy
dropped a refrigerator on me.”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could
really start to enjoy this job.
”Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.
”OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....”
amazer ·
A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year, they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NYC and then out West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally, the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each
and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged, but with no sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trails of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach, but only found the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
Hbbear ·
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “For God’s sake, you asshole.. it’s ten past three in the fuckin’ morning!” 😀
KruizinKombi ·
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started!" Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
KruizinKombi ·
My neighbour is looking for a good home for their dog because his wife said the dog makes her nervous when it stares at her when she is changing. She wants it out of the house. If you or anyone you know might be in the market, let me know. It's seriously an AWESOME dog... a doberman mix.. check out the photo
Oasis ·
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
If you got this wrong...please go dig a hole and hide.
Oasis ·
Two blondes on either side of a river. One yells across, "How do you get to the other side?".
The other blonde yells back, "You ARE on the other side..."
Oasis ·
A blonde gets on a horse and says, giddy-up horsie. The horse starts moving slowly at first and the blonde is squealing with delight. As the horse gradually increases speed the blonde starts to get a little scared, panics and lets go of the reins. The horse increases it's speed a little more and the blonde is now trembling and leans down and grabs the horse around the neck. After a minute she falls around under the horse still holding onto the neck with one stiletto still in the stirrups. She can't hold on much longer and eventually lets go of the horse screaming with one leg still attached to the horse. At this stage the Woolworths manager walks over and unplugs the horse from the powerpoint.
KruizinKombi ·
Hehehe :thumb
Hbbear ·
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was
restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m. but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to
mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer
you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their
food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are
long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell
him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at
home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and
Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big
as a chipmunks head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you,
like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They
come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get
to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at
home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan
from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm
only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds
dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your ever-lovin' daughter,
Gail
amazer ·
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.
It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door -- only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the
driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy scared to near death had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps
when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."
amazer ·
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a torchlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
Oasis ·
Amazer, your signature reminded me of a muso's joke... How does a musician make a million dollars?
A. He starts with 2 million.
amazer ·
I've often looked at your sig, but I have got no idea at all what it means 😀
An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a Lavatory cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping offices) After the test, the manager says: You will be paid $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: Sure! I would have been a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft!
Morals of the story:
The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
Get e-mail, if you want to be a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft.
If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a lavatory cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.
If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Oasis ·
And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him.
"Noah, awake and heed my words!"
And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band. For the earth will be
visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and
forty nights of Awards Banquets.
And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."
And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader".
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"
And the Lord did smite him, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor".
Ask not why!"
And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader
play?"
And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether
he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the
Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off
Tempos wrong, and to enquire as to whether Overtime will happen,
and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any
instrument,thou must always have another player of that instrument on the
band, just to be safe."
And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"
And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and
Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and
to delay all payments.
Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create
Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves, therefore."
And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange
and Mysterious.
What more shall I do?
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section.
First, find me Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer
possess."
And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An
Electronic Kit? Congas?"
And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying, "Second-guess me not, my
servant.
First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he
playeth a Fill
(and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place,
sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. And second,
he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will
lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing.
And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things:
including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with
the Bass Player."
And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?"
And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player.
And he shall be Bored. That is all."
And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
"Next shall be the Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty
fingers, and he shall play Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may
name the Chord, and he will not be helpful.
Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out
New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."
And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"
"Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player.
And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. Also
shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been
damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels.
For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be
making the Big Shekels.
And the Guitarist's tux shall be the Rattiest of all the Band."
And Noah did say, "It shall be done."
And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. First shall be the
Saxophones.
And they shall be Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in
every song,
yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break,
and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when 'In The Mood'
is called.
Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take
everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know
nothing.
And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made
about him, for he will have a Beeper,as well as a Day Job, and he will be
the first to be Cut from the Band."
And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"
"Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach
Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that
their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain.
And their job shall be to wear Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all
Ballads, and to
occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume and the Intonation,
and to impede the Swing."
And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?"
And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. And they shall be
Three,
one a Male, and two Females. And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock,
with the Rock 'n' Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo,
and also shall he play The Harmonica.
And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White.
And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco.
And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs.
But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male,
and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form.
And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of
Equipment.
And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why."
And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."
And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not
every musician can fulfillthese requirements. And though we have
No Work yet, a Committment must be secured from All.
And while you're at it, start looking for Deps."
And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."
And it was.
Oasis ·
amazer wrote:I've often looked at your sig, but I have got no idea at all what it means 😀
It's the double meaning, from the joke: There are two lesbians in a bath. One says, "Where's the soap", and the other replies, "It certainly does..."
i.e. It wears out the soap (not that there's anything wrong with that)
amazer ·
oooooooooooh. It still took a long long time for me to get it. Im just too naive and innocent.
buzzbug ·
As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
Hbbear ·
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says,
"Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
:bounce
squizy ·
Ok...a sexist blonde joke.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings?
To hook their ankles into.
Sorry....
Squiz....
tracash242 ·
three blonds walked into a BAR,,,,,,,,,,you think one of them would of seen it......😉
Menangler ·
Why do blondes have clear lunch boxes,
So they can tell if they are going to, or coming home from work.
Hbbear ·
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno never found the head."
zac_smits ·
hahaha okay then
what time does michael jackson go to bed???
when the big hand is on the little hand :P
zac_smits ·
It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space.
A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".
did you hear michael released a clothing line?
if it's successful he's apparently going to get into boys pants...
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
okay....enough of the jackson jokes. now we move onto baby jokes!
Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.
Q: What is charred black and smells really bad?
A1: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
A2: A baby in the fireplace.
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!
Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.
Last few...
Q1: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A. A blender!!!
Q: How do you get them out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos
Oasis ·
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
A: Drives home.
Oasis ·
A market survey
>
> The following was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
> Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The
> company, of course, does not have a sense of humor and made the web
> department take it down immediately, and, for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note
at
> the end is worth a read too...
>
> McDonnell Douglas Survey:
>
> Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to
> protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
> warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
> required, but the information will help us to develop new products that
best
> meet your needs and desires.
>
> 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_]
> Classified [_] Other
>
> First Name: ............................................ Initial: Last
> Name:.............................................. Password:
> .............................. (max. 8 char) Code
>
> Name:..............................................
> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
>
> 2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15
Eagle
> [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
>
> 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20......./......./......
>
> 4. Serial Number:........................................
>
> 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift
/
> aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail
> order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified
>
> 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you
> have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display
> [_]Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political
lobbying
> by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one
>
> 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision
> to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
>
> [_] Style/appearance [_] Speed/maneuverability [_] Price /value [_]
> Comfort/convenience [_] Kickback/bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_]
> McDonnell Douglas reputation [_]Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom
> politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>
> 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_]North
> America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe[_]Iraq
> [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia/Far East
> [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_]Iraq
>
> 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase
> in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD
Player
> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_]Nuclear
> Weapon
>
> 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all
that
> apply🙂 [_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_]
> Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive/Tribal
>
> 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit
spending
> [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_]
> Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check
>
> 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary
> [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric
> billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student
>
> 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
> interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
on
> a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating/sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running
> /jogging [_] Propaganda/misinformation [_] Destabilization/overthrow
> [_]Defaulting on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market /
smuggling
> [_] Collectibles/collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_]
> Interrogation/torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions
> [_]Espionage/reconnaissance [_] Fashion/clothing [_] Border disputes
> [_]Mutually Assured Destruction
>
> Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
> will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
> better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
> special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
> mysterious consortia.
>
> As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
> brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
>
> Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL
> DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department, Military Aerospace Division
>
> IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
addressee(s)
> named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or
> unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
> humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
> recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
> authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating
> social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its
correct
> context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal
or
> grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
> transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
> borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of
> the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message
> revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert
Notice
> from M! icrosoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around you and your computer, you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
zac_smits ·
hahah i like the last one
Oasis ·
> > Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to
>get
> > married.... They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
>they
> > pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man
>behind
> > the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".
> >
> >
> > Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
> > Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> > Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
> > Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> > Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
> > Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
> > Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
> > Disease?"
> > Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> > Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
> > Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask, is there something I
>can
> > help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate
>your
> > store as our Bridal Gift Registry."
Oasis ·
>NUN'S KISS
>A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
>stop staring at her.
>She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
>you but I don't want to offend you."
>
>She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
>and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
>just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
>that I would find offensive."
>
>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
>be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
>
>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
>too!
>
>"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills
>his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
>"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
>
>"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
>and I'm Jewish."
>
>The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
>party."
>
jenz58 ·
Just received on of my son's mass emails...OMG...He's still alive....:bounce:thumb
In Honour of Stupid People
>In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
>stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
>
>On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
>(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
>
>On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
>Details
>inside. (the shoplifter special)?
>
>On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
>would be how???....)
>
>On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
>it's
>"just" a suggestion).
>
>On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
>down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
>
>On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
>(...and you thought????...)
>
>++++++ On packaging for a Rowenta Iron -- "Do not iron clothes on
>++++++body."
>(but wouldn't this save me more time)? +++++++
>
>On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
>machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
>rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
>head-colds off those forklifts.)
>
>On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and..I'm taking
>this because???....)
>
>On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>(as
>opposed to...what)?
>
>On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
>(now,
>somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
>
>On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
>(talk about a news flash)
>
>On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
>eat
>nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
>
>On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
>enable
>you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>
>On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
>or
>genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
>
>
> Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
>stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even
>chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every
>once in a while
>
Hbbear ·
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Oasis ·
Melbourne Cup Field
>In lane 1. Passionate Lady
>In lane 2. Bare Belly
>In lane 3. Silk Panties
>In lane 4. Conscience
>In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
>In lane 6. Clean Sheets
>In lane 7. Thighs
>In lane 8. Big Dick
>In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
>In lane 10. Merry Cherry
>
>
>AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
>Conscience is left behind at the gate.
>Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
>Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
>Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
>Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
>
>
>AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
>It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
>Big Dick is pushing in.
>Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady
>and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under
>terrific pressure from Big Dick.
>
>AT THE STRETCH:
>Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
>Bare Belly is making a final push.
>Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
>
>AT THE FINISH:
>It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and
>Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
>It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final
>thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens...
>Heavy Bosom pulls up.. and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
>
Oasis ·
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news.
One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't f@#k her."
Oasis ·
Actual English Subtitles Used in Hong Kong Films:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
15. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
16. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
18. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
19. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Oasis ·
The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS). Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and boiler suits.
A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like Thailand or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."
The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 500 lives in only six months, which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only kills around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly effects only darkies what speak foreign, whereas SARS has made at least one English person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered much more serious. The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that simply would not do. Anyone who appears to be exhibiting symptoms of SLOPS should be dragged into the street by their genitals and shot.
HotRodMatt ·
How many list members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb.
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now an to start it all over again.
HotRodMatt ·
Q. What's the differece between Michael Jackson and greyhounds?
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along... And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
==============================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
==============================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
============================= =
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
==============================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F$%&ing Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F$%&ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
==============================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?
amazer ·
Expressions For High Stress Days
(any day you require the 'services' of centrelink)
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fucking people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Oasis ·
Subject: A FEW FUNNY JOKES
> MOOD RING
> >My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
> >other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
> >When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
> >leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead.
> >Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
> >
> >
> >WOMEN'S HUMOUR
> >My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
> >"This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went
> >out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
> >couldn't get back in.
> >
> >A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to
> >make you the happiest woman in the world."
> >The woman says, "I'll miss you."
> >
> >Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> >A: A rumour
> >
> >He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
> >love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
> >
> >He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> >
> >She said That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I
> >sit
> >on the sofa and fart.
> >
> >He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
> >you?
> >
> >
> >She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.
> >
> >Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
> >A:45 minutes
> >
> >Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> >A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> >
> >Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
> >A:They can't stand criticism.
> >
> >Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
> >and
> >good looking?
> >A:Because those men already have boyfriends.
> >
> >Q:What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> >A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> >driving.
Oasis ·
Friends don't let friends
>take home ugly men
>Women's restroom
>Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
>
>
>
>
>
>Beauty is only a light switch away.
>Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
>
>
>
>
>
>If life is a waste of time,
>and time is a waste of life,
>then let's all get wasted together
>and have the time of our lives.
>Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
>
>
>
>
>
>Remember, it's not,
>"How high are you?"
>it's
>"Hi, how are you?"
>Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
>
>
>
>
>
>Fighting for peace is like
>screwing for virginity.
>The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
>
>
>
>
>
>No matter how good she looks,
>some other guy is sick and tired
>of putting up with her shit.
>Men's Room
>Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
>
>
>
>
>
>At the feast of ego
>everyone leaves hungry.
>Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
>
>
>
>
>
>It's hard to make a comeback
>when you haven't been anywhere.
>Written in the dust
>on the back of a bus,
>Wickenburg, AZ
>
>
>
>
>
>Make love, not war.
>-Hell, do both
>GET MARRIED!
>Women's restroom
>The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>If voting could really change things,
>it would be illegal.
>Revolution Books
>New York, New York.
>
>
>
>
>
>If pro is opposite of con,
>then what is the opposite of progress?
>Congress!
>Men's restroom
>House of Representatives, Washington, DC
>
>
>
>
>
>Express Lane:
>Five beers or less
>Sign over one of the urinals
>Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>You're too good for him.
>Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
>Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
>
>
>
>
>
>No wonder you always go home alone.
>Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
>Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
>
>
>and my favourite, and most realistic one ~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
>If it has tires or testicles,
>you're going to have trouble with it.
>Women's restroom
>Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
Oasis ·
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
>perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
>nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind,"
>and refers him to a psychiatrist.
>
>After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
>to how you could possible be cured. So, finally, the psyichiatrist, at his
>wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.
>
>The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
>flame, and immediately there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
>witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing. but you can only use it once
>a year. All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as
>you wish." The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
>over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234"
>and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year."
>
>The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
>good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123": and just like
>that,he gets an erection.
>
>His wife turns over and says sleepily, "What did you say "123" for??????
Da Wiz ·
DOn't know if you've had this one - but i thought it was a crack up 😀
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes
Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to
prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start
cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000
of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global
broadcast
media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he
asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected
sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the
80,000
girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER
CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
"Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump
to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
:bounce
Oasis ·
That's a bloody ripper....
A little old Jewish lady's husband dies so she rings the local newspaper to place an ad in the obituary section... "How much does it cost to place an ad for my departed husband?" she asks.
"Well it's $5 per word, and there's a minimum of 5 words per ad." replies the receptionist.
"OK then, I'd like to place an ad that says, 'GOLDSTEIN DEAD'".
"Excuse me madam, but you still have another 3 words for no extra cost.." says the receptionist.
Mrs Goldstein thinks about it for a minute and says, "OK then, make it 'GOLDSTEIN DEAD,VOLVO FOR SALE.'"
DoNkEy ·
Support Mental Health!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR
😠I"LL KILL YOU!😠
zac_smits ·
well done guys. very funny work.
zac
Hbbear ·
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child.
What do you think of that !!!"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says,"Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead
of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!".
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
Oasis ·
He He He!!!
helterskelter400 ·
you could run the following theme all day long!!
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"
Oasis ·
The musician's version...
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " Here's a map of the Middle East. This country is fighting with this country, this country with this one... I want world peace in the Middle East ."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with history of revenge and battles for oil, not to mention the religious tension between Islam and Christianity! I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, OK, I'm getting old, and I'm a jazz guitarist, and just want a little regular gig in a small restaurant to see out my days till I die."
The genie said, " Could I have another look at that map?"
zac_smits ·
oldies but goodies
i'll find some new ones to put on here if i get some more time
Hbbear ·
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!" 😀
Hbbear ·
WARNING
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
An Ocean Grove man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his bum.
Police suspect a cereal killer.😀
Oasis ·
An oldie but a goody...
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Unity-28 ·
I thought this is funny....
Corporate Condoms
>>
>>
>>
>>Imagine if major companies from all around the world started
>>
>>producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and
>>
>>companies would probably advertise more openly.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Nike Condoms: Just do it
>>
>>
>>
>>Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
>>
>>
>>
>>Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
>>
>>
>>
>>Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
>>
>>
>>
>>Optus Condoms: Yes!
>>
>>
>>
>>KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good
>>
>>
>>
>>M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
>>
>>
>>
>>Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
>>
>>
>>
>>Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
>>
>>
>>
>>Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
>>
>>
>>
>>Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
>>
>>
>>
>>Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
>>
>>
>>
>>VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
>>
>>
>>
>>Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it...
>>
>>
>>
>>Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay
>>
>> market)
>>
>>
>>
>>Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
>>
>>
>>
>>Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
>>
>>
>>
>>Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy.
>>
>>
>>
>>McDonald's Condoms: Things that make you go hmm..........
>>
>>
>>
>>The following brands would probably not sell very well...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
>>
>>
>>
>>AFL Condoms: I'd like to see that
>>
>>
>>
>>Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year...
>>
>>
>>
>>Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
>>
>>
>>
>>TAC Condoms: Speed kills
>>
>>
>>
>>Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
>>
>>
>>
>>Bolle Condoms: Put 'em on your face
>>
>>
>>
>>Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
>>
>>
>>
>>Aussie Home Loans Condoms: We'll save you
Oasis ·
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Hbbear ·
Boom Boom😀
Hbbear ·
A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies
"No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
amazer ·
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest
had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized: "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of
the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird
lay
there
in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung
was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy; Not everyone who gets you
out of shit is your friend; and When you're in deep shit, it's best to
keep your mouth shut.
Oasis ·
Amazer, that's FANTASTIC.
Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light,
and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"
Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for
him?"
And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see Jamie Oliver written on here anywhere?"
Oasis ·
I'm sometimes asked what does a marketing consultant do.....
Here's something that may help .
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing vs advertising."
Well, here it is:
SUPPOSE:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed," - That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,
"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"..... - That's Junk Mail.
amazer ·
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By
giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where
you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important
for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...
There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and
severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN
photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the water.
Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything
away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
him away, forever.
You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo
of your life.
So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a
Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the
world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?
Oasis ·
LMF@#AO! I'd take 10 rolls. They would be the only evidence of destroying a weapon of mass destruction.
buzzbug ·
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who
can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10.You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important! Pay attention. It never fails. )
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Final Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of
them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
amazer ·
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee ..
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh Dear!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm! mmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.
Oasis ·
Subject: Police story
>
>
>
> THE COP........THE HUSBAND, and THE WIFE.............
>
> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
> clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
>
> The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
> perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
>
> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the
> passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car
> doesn't have cruise control."
>
> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
> wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
>
> The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
> detector went off when it did."
>
> As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
> detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
> teeth, Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"
>
> The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
> your
> seat belt, sir. That 's an automatic $75 fine."
>
> The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
> it
> off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
> back pocket."
>
> The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
> your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
>
> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
> turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!"
>
> The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
> always
> talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
>
>
>
>
> WAIT FOR IT............
>
>
>
>
> WAIT FOR IT............
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Secoh ·
Hbbear wrote:WARNING
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
An Ocean Grove man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his bum.
Police suspect a cereal killer.😀
I thought crop circles were the work of Ceral Killers! 😀
KruizinKombi ·
LOL 😀
Oasis ·
I know you've probably all seen this, but it's still bloody good...
Your Stars for 2004
Authors Note: The original twelve zodiac constellations and dates were laid out more than 2000 years ago, reflecting the apparent path of the sun through the sky at that point. Since then, however, the precession of the equinoxes (part of the Earth’s gyroscopic 25,800 year cycle) has resulted in a 26° 33' westward shift of the constellations involved. The ecliptic path is therefore different now and astrological forecasting should take this into account (they never do, and are thus wrong). This column is the first in the world to take advantage of modern astrological methods.
CAPRICORNUS - January 21 to February 18 Your life will improve once you realise what a bad driver you are. Pluto intersecting with Mercury means that planets know a lot more about driving roundabouts than you do.
AQUARIUS - February 19 to March 12 Neptune will interfere with your personal finances this year, difficult as this is to imagine as ifs 4.306 billion km away. You will be particularly tested when your new PORSCHE blows up and you consider buying an old VW.
PISCES - March 13 to April 16 Your career will change when you discover your boss secretly hates your guts. It would be in your best interests to change to another brand of motor oil. Watch out for skidmarks around Uranus.
ARIES - April 17 to May 10 An eclipse on the 23rd shows that you are afraid of the dark. A change to 12-volt headlight bulbs may be on the cards. A complete stranger may contact you when you run up their arse in the traffic.
TAURUS - May 11 to June 19 Dedicate a great deal of time and energy to your personal agenda, which includes having your Beetle serviced. Mars will cause an unexpected failure of your VWs planet gears.
GEMINI - June 20 to July 20 You will consider fitting two Dellorto carbs to your VW. Your ignorance will show itself at a club meeting when you forget to buy a round of drinks. When service time comes around, remember to cheek your VW's caster.
CANCER - July 21 to August 9 You may be under the influence of strong drugs this year. Be careful on tight turns as you may end up sideways. Someone very close to you may reveal feelings of intense dislike towards your T4.
LEO - August 10 to September 13 Make sure you check terminal 58b of your headlight switch as it is bound to fail. A meteor passing through your sign is a good indication to avoid Japanese-made Fords.
VIRGO - September 14 to October 25 It may be wise to go to the drive-in a lot more this year. More shag-pile in the back of the Kombi would also be beneficial. It is crucial that you take better care of your gearstick.
LIBRA - October 26 to November 17 Issues for you this year include the important balance of fuel used per distance covered in burnouts. Saturn means that you'll have problems with your VWs rings.
SCORPIOS - November 18 to November 24 The red giant star in this constellation, Antares. will have no effect on you whatsoever. However, the globular cluster M80 will directly deflate your VWs resale value.
OPHIUCHUS - November 25 to December 15 Those born under the sign of the Snake Bearer often suffer intense feelings of displacement. There is no solution to this other than to get more displacement.
SAGITTARIUS - December 16 to January 20 You are bitter and twisted because you've always received a combined birthday and Xmas present. Buy another VW, you loser!
KruizinKombi ·
Dave, you weren't paying attention, were you? 😀
Oasis ·
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................................49
Adventurous.....................................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.............................................No tits
Average looking...............................Has a face like a horse's ass
Beautiful...........................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
Educated.........................................Was screwed by all the guys at her University
Emotionally Secure..........................On medication, mainly downers
Feminist...........................................Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit........................................Junkie
Friendship first.................................Former slut
Fun.................................................Annoying
Gentle.............................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
New-Age.......................................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................................No BJ's on first date
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................................Sloppy drunk
Poet..............................................Depressive
Professional...................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social............................................Talks too long and too loud.
Cuddly...........................................Fat
Voluptuous....................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate............................Stalker
Widow..........................................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Maybe
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = But you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good film on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MENS ENGLISH
1. Yes = Yes
2. No = No
4. I am hungry = I am hungry
5. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
6. I am tired = I am tired
7. Nice dress = Nice t1ts
8. I love you = Let's have sex
9. I am bored = Let's have sex
10. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
11. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
13. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
14. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
16. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
17. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person - because I'd like to have sex with you.
18. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
Oasis ·
Subject: Why Exercise?
It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is!
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!
You could run this over to your friends but why not just post it here.
amazer ·
Why does michael jackson like twenty eight year olds?
cos theres twenty of them.
Hbbear ·
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so. Although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
POLE: It is made of concrete, brick and mortar.
LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?
POLE: No, we have a two carport.
LAWYER: I mean, What are your relations like?
POLE: All my relations in Poland.
LAWYER: Is there any infidelity or violence in your marriage?
POLE: Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.
LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, it says "Polish Remover."
Starbug ·
I hope i havent posted this somewhere else.
One morning grandma and grandpa get up from their seperate rooms and go to the kitchen to have their breakfast.
while eating their porridge, granma says "poppy, do you remember when we used to do this in the nude?"
granpa replies..."awh yes, them were the days" and myopically stares off into the distance.
granma gets a twinkle in her eye and says "so, you wanna get naked?" to which granpa replies "awh yeah love"
so they both go back to their seperate rooms, get nude and come back to the breakfast table.
granma is making eyes at granpa and granpa is obviously getting really excited! after a few elderly exchanges of dirty words, granma exclaims "oh poppy! my nipples are getting hot for you!"
to which granpa replies "thats because youve got one in your porridge and the other in your tea"
*boom boom* 😀
Oasis ·
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled
in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading
straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat
right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out
"Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual
Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a
meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African
American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's
the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are
the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent. We have, however, found that the best potential
lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and
blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be
discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends
call me Bubba."
amazer ·
A WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of BusinessWeek. Her boyfriend is on the cover of PlayGirl, and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
AND THE BEST YET.........
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The Sales Girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He
answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?" He answers, "You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it’s soooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.
amazer ·
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince
Could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire
eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:
...
...
...
Well, guess what she said .........
...
...
...come on, guess what could she have said???
...
...
...
well, she said..............
"Pardon?"
KruizinKombi ·
😀😀😀
Bizarre ·
I will finally join in here -
I LOVE SYDNEY BECAUSE:
You can make over $100,000 per year and still can't afford a house.
You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the
drivers have never seen it either.
You order organic fruit and vegetables online, but eat out every night
anyway.
You spend more money on your coffee machine than on your washing Machine.
You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour
and beach views and European appliances; and spend a total of forty hours
a week there, of which thirty seven are spent sleeping.
You contemplate calling a taxi from your home to where you managed to
park your car the night before.
You spend thirty minutes in a traffic jam next to a car that has more
power going to its speakers than its wheels.
You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or
home address.
You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe
under lock and key... but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.
Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he emigrated to Australia.
Your co-worker tells you he/she has eight body piercings but none is
visible.
You can't remember... is dope illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a
sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion on where your coffee beans are grown, and
can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between
yoga,conversational Italian or building your own website.
A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus and
you don't notice.
You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born
in Sydney.
Your hairdresser is straight; your plumber is gay, and your Avon lady is
a drag queen.
amazer ·
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says,
"Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor.
Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says,
"In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my
private parts so they declared me disabled; it doesn't affect my ability
to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good
news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours
are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says,
"If working hours are from 8 to 4,
why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything
but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point
of your coming in for that.
Oasis ·
NUN'S KISS
>A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
>stop staring at her.
>She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
>you but I don't want to offend you."
>
>She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
>and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
>just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
>that I would find offensive."
>
>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
>be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
>
>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
>too!
>
>"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills
>his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
>"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
>
>"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
>and I'm Jewish."
>
>The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
>party."
Oasis ·
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to
>get
> > married.... They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
>they
> > pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man
>behind
> > the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".
> >
> >
> > Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
> > Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> > Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
> > Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> > Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
> > Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
> > Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
> > Disease?"
> > Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> > Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
> > Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask, is there something I
>can
> > help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate
>your
> > store as our Bridal Gift Registry."
Oasis ·
I Can't remember if I posted this one already...
Actual English Subtitles Used in Hong Kong Films
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
15. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
16. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
18. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
19. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Oasis ·
Happy new Year
> > This will get me some hate mail from the girls but here goes....
> > The opportunity you have been waiting for (boys)
> > As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you
> > can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 fellas who are just as virile
> > as you.
> > INSTRUCTIONS;
> > Anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't
> > forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the
> top
> > of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you
will
> > receive 823,542 women through the post.
> > Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
> > 0.5 miss worlds
> > 2.5 models
> > 463 wild nymph*s
> > 3,234 good-looking nympho's
> > 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
> > 40,198 bi-sexual women
> > In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
> > inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And,
> > best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those
> > that
> > come back to you.
> > DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
> > One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of
> > 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing
> > gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
> > accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international
> > supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend
> > moved
> > out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain
> > letter.)
> > While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place
> > above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital
suffering
> > from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
> > YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
> > This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
> > sex life.
> > No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about
> > trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her.
> > No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant
> > surprises like marriage or engagement.
> > Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best
> > friends.
> > PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum
> > cleaner.
> > PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
> > they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon
> > undertake.
> >
Hbbear ·
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human;it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of
a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are
some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael , He's
a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher, She's dead.
"A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only
ONE.God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples.
Oasis ·
1-2-3-4
>After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
>perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
>nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind,"
>and refers him to a psychiatrist.
>
>After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
>to how you could possible be cured. So, finally, the psyichiatrist, at his
>wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.
>
>The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
>flame, and immediately there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
>witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing. but you can only use it once
>a year. All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as
>you wish." The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
>over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234"
>and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year."
>
>The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
>good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123": and just like
>that,he gets an erection.
>
>His wife turns over and says sleepily, "What did you say "123" for??????
Hbbear ·
**No Offence Intended To Fellow Blonde AussieVeeDubbers**
Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58PM.
He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will
jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very
upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here
is your money."
Homer replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
:bounce
Hbbear ·
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He struggles again to ask, nurse, "Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says, "there's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, ARE, MY, TEST, RESULTS, BACK?"
:P
KruizinKombi ·
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A young Irish brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you ******, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends, In addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Oasis ·
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it
with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the
next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all
Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after
His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini"..................Blessed be
Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the
Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed
man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could
also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.
amazer ·
A married couple are driving along when they see a
wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the
wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the
car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold.
What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
*****************************
One morning while she was making breakfast, the local
fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on
the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we
could get rid of your girdles."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled
herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and
grabbed him by the balls. Maintaining a vice grip she
whispered in ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up
we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the
pool man and your brother."
******************************
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of
Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the
purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts,
"What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver
and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks
cheekily."
"Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife
responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice
if you came second for a change!".
******************************
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down
in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next
to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this
is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if
ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it
just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See,
I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde
with the most massive breasts in the world was there.
So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to
Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh'...........
So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast
table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But
accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
******************************
A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to
get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on
the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans
over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
******************************
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
****************************
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile
phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her:
"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's
f***ing hundreds of them!"
***********************************
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached
a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Beer and women with big tits."
buzzbug ·
ONCE AGAIN, DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED.
Q) Whats worse than being attacked by two sharks?
A) Being raped by four bulldogs.
amazer ·
My name is DANIEL NDLOVU the elder son of Mr. ANSELAM NDLOVU of Zimbabwe. This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact address. I got your address from the South African trade centre in Johannesburg.
During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supports of our President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white owned farms to his party members and his followers, he ordered all white farmers to surrender all their farms to his party members and his followers.
My father is one of the best farmers in our country and because he did not support Mugabe’s ideas, Mugabe’s supporters invaded my father’s farm and burnt everything in the farm, killing my father and made away with a lot of items in my fathers farm.
Before his death my father had deposited with one of the Security Company in Johannesburg South Africa the sum of US$16.2m (sixteen Million two hundred thousand United States Dollars). After the death of my father, we decided to move to the republic of South Africa where he had deposited the money in the Security Company as valuables.
So I decided to contact overseas firm and companies that will assist me to move this money out of South Africa because as asylum seekers we are not allowed to operate any bank account within South Africa. We have agreed to offer you 20% of the total sum for your assistance. 5% will be mapped out for any expenses that may be incurred in the course of this transaction and 75% will be for me and my family to invest in your country.
All I want you to do is to furnish me with your entire personal and fax numbers for easy communication. You can contact me on the above telephone and fax numbers. Note that this transaction is 100% risk free and absolutely confidential.
Thanks and God bless
DANIEL NDLOVU
On replying kindly give me your private telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.
Woohoo im rich. $3,240,000 must be christmas :rudolf :tree
baybuscamperkid ·
hehe. love the one about the kids
"The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael , He's
a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher, She's dead."
where did you get it? cos i actually know a kid who said exactly that back at primary school!😀
KruizinKombi ·
Ryan, Birchall emailed that one to me, cause he's too lazy to edit it and post it himself!! 😀
[Edited on 1-3-2004 by KruizinKombi]
Oasis ·
Someone just emailed me this not so funny joke, but it's probably appropriate for here:
My first car was a VW. It stalled in Bondi Junction one day and wouldn't restart. I opened the bonnet to see what the problem was. No
wonder it wouldn't go: no motor! Just then someone in another VW pulled up beside me and asked if I needed help. I said: "Yes! My car stopped because it lost its engine. I just checked under the bonnet and it is gone!" The other driver said: "It is your lucky day. I just bought my VW last week, and yesterday I opened the boot. Would you believe, it got a spare motor in it?"
Hbbear ·
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't
you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."
(SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Oasis ·
September 1st
Just got transferred with work and moved into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? Ya kiddin me!!!!
[Edited on 4-3-2004 by KruizinKombi]
Beetle Bug ·
I'm Sorry I dont Speak Hat.......
Oasis ·
I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.
I finished the book by the time I reached my house.
I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, and said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"........
"The f ..... g funeral director," she said.
[Edited on 15-3-2004 by Oasis]
Oasis ·
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"So up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
[Edited on 25-3-2004 by Oasis]
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO!!!! 😀😀😀
Oasis ·
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway entrance.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small
sign next to the door which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The
nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
habit, holding a tin cup. This nun tells him to, "Please place $50 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He takes $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
Hbbear ·
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,
he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
zac_smits ·
lmao to all of them!!!
what has 99balls and screws old ladies????
BINGO!!!
buzzbug ·
how do you get a 100 old cows in one place at once?
Look at that...it's about the major frauds at the moment...
zac
Boozer ·
Snappy Answers
When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer. 😉
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....
Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Boozer ·
one of my favourites.:thumbI LIKE MONKEYS
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys
Boozer ·
Funny Questions
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Boozer ·
How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Hbbear ·
We are all united as friends on this forum through the love of VW's.....so to all my friends here:
Oasis ·
There are two nuns riding bicycles down the road in Belgium. One nun says, "I don't normally come this way", and the other says, "Don't worry, It's just the cobblestones".
Da Wiz ·
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year
ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean
that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what
his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year
the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
:thumb
Da Wiz ·
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband
with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't
think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days,
the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we
wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would
always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face
inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the
children, the same child always faced the same direction.
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman.
His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply
known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the
lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisher-
man said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to
make a living from the sea."
They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a
three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the
fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three
months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone
man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her
husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling
boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just
barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more
than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves
without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish
started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side
of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either
of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish
that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible,
horrible* fish!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"
:cussing:cussing:cussing:cussing:cussing
Oasis ·
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.......
Oasis ·
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the Colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee."
buzzbug ·
A horse walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a scotch. The amazed bartender gives him the scotch. The horse drinks it, and leaves. The bartender calls his friend, a circuss mannager, and tells him about the horse. The next day the horse comes in the bar, and orders a beer. The circuss manager is sitting at the bar two. After the horse finishes his beer the circuss manager says "Mr Horse, I have a buisness proposition for you!". "Really", says the horse, "Lets hear it!". "Id like you to come work in my circuss!". "A circuss? that large tenet with all the animals?" the horse asks. "Yes". "But I dont get it", the surprised horse contines,"What dose circuss need with a software engineer?!"
Oasis ·
This was written by a black guy in Texas:
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folk's ???
amazer ·
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me!!!" The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit,
lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life..." Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says,
"Help me Help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!" So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you." The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my dick." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the chickens' life.
So whats the moral of the story???
If you have a dick the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
amazer ·
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy?; Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied "Don't worry just follow me.
" He went into the pub where he immediately ordered
two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whiskey. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in; We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausagethrough my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Oasis ·
A Mother enters her daughters bedroom and sees a letter on the bed.
The worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped
with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all
his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that
Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his
trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it
for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure and for
Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mum, I'm l5 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Some day I'll visit you so you can know your grandchildren.
Love Your Daughter,
Judith
P.S. Mum, it's not true, I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to
show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report
card that's in my desk drawer..... I love you Mum.......
Oasis ·
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".
zac_smits ·
now that's my kind of joke oasis!!!
okay..here's an entry from the dirtiest joke of 1999...
> There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park
> one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
>
> The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother
> hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes."
>
> The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys
> having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?"
> And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making
> cakes."
>
> The next day the girl says to her mother"Mommy, you and Daddy
> were making cakes in the living room last night,eh?"
> Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > >>> > She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
>
That's all from me today.
Peace out.
Oasis ·
hehe Zac...
AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES. SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBOURHOOD TERRORISTS. CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT. ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN. AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT. THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
GOD BLESS AUSTRALIA.
Oasis ·
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath,he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
amazer ·
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael! Look what I have made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God,"and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe
is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel impressed by God's work, then he pointed to a small part of land and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Sydney, the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful beaches, rivers, ridges and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working,and
high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as the best example of the human species.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said There will be BALANCE!?"
God replied wisely, "That's why I made Melbourne."
buzzbug ·
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.) Winky 2
We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.
kombikim ·
Olympics update
Preparations for Athens are going well
[Edited on 7-5-2004 by kombikim]
[Edited on 7-5-2004 by kombikim]
amazer ·
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO!!!!! 😀😀😀😀
What a lovely story...
This is truly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c%nts at Bunnings ever bring us the fu@king gyprock"
[Edited on 7-5-2004 by KruizinKombi]
Oasis ·
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Oasis ·
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman
finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat
jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
Oasis ·
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
> >> affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> >> At a recent computer conference Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> >> computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had
> >> kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
> >> all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
> >> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
> >> a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like
> >> Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
> >> characteristics (and I just love this part):
> >> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
> >> twice a day.
> >>
> >> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
> >> you would have to buy a new car.
> >>
> >>
> >> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
> >> no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road,
> >> close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen
> >> the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would
> >> simply accept this.
> >>
> >>
> >> 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left
> >> turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
> >> which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
> >>
> >>
> >> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
> >> sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -
> >> but would run on only five percent of the roads.
> >>
> >>
> >> 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
> >> lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
> >> Illegal Operation" warning light.
> >>
> >>
> >> 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
> >> deploying.
> >>
> >>
> >> 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
> >> would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
> >> simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
> >> hold of the radio antenna.
> >>
> >>
> >> 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers
> >> would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of
> >> the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
> >>
> >>
> >> 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
> >> engine off.
Oasis ·
Some actual sports commentator's comments:
THE England World Cup game :
The England goalkeeper, David Seaman was having a great game and
dominating the penalty area, prompting commentator Martin Tyler to say: "Seaman is all over the box!"
SANDY Roberts was hosting some an event on Channel 7 when he introduced the incumbent Miss Australia, Cynthia Dick as Cynthia Cock! Amid raucous laughter from the live audience & despite barely being able to contain his own laughter, good old Sandy desperately sought to recover the situation by exclaiming "you must get Cock quite a lot!"
MICHAEL Buerk , watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold
out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Super bikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on Good Morning: "She was practising fastest finger by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away.
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Oasis ·
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
Oasis ·
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section
>and Mick says to Paddy,"Dats Dem".
>The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
>"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere",
>says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag".
>The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
>They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300
>foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the
>four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the
>cliff.
>Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down
>for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!'
>As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock
>Dat, budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."
>A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the petshop and
>he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.
>He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other
>hand Seamus
>is carrying a gun.
>"Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the
>cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and
>blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is
>another
>'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
>Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting
>noider..."
>After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the petshop and
>walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out
>of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
>Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit
>his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, fockin'
>hengliding."
Oasis ·
TOP OXYMORONS
Happily Married
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works
Oasis ·
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
[Edited on 20-5-2004 by Oasis]
Oasis ·
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................................49
Adventurous.....................................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.............................................No tits
Average looking...............................Has a face like a horse's ass
Beautiful...........................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
Educated.........................................Was screwed by all the guys at her University
Emotionally Secure..........................On medication, mainly downers
Feminist...........................................Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit........................................Junkie
Friendship first.................................Former slut
Fun.................................................Annoying
Gentle.............................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
New-Age.......................................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................................No BJ's on first date
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................................Sloppy drunk
Poet..............................................Depressive
Professional...................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social............................................Talks too long and too loud.
Cuddly...........................................Fat
Voluptuous....................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate............................Stalker
Widow..........................................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Maybe
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = But you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good film on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MENS ENGLISH
1. Yes = Yes
2. No = No
4. I am hungry = I am hungry
5. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
6. I am tired = I am tired
7. Nice dress = Nice t1ts
8. I love you = Let's have sex
9. I am bored = Let's have sex
10. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
11. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
13. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
14. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
16. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
17. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person - because I'd like to have sex with you.
18. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
Da Wiz ·
Romantic Valentines Verses...
If you get stuck - try some of these:
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line:
"Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed."
"I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I met your brother."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head."
"Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face"
"Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not"
"I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face"
"I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!"
"My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life"
"I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming"
"My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way"
"My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
"What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime"
helterskelter400 ·
a few doing the work email rounds
Adult Fairy Tales
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by
2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and
goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella
shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a
pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
_______________________________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to
me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have
sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground
and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed
to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That
way you wouldn't rely on them. Would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see
your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
there was a Ridgeways truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and
says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a
week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his
boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the
ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving
up.
Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was
a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want
you
to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they
bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".
Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a gas station. The
attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, Nope. I was driving around and
those other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,
then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could
have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you
know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I
couldn't
get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a
local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning.
OK no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign until he
asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at
him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm
delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said
"Are
you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. "Here's your
sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends.
The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is
helterskelter400 ·
another goodie...
_____________________________________________________________
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation
she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out of her bum.
Oasis ·
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to cut, cut, cut, make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall
off by itself! You save money ."
zac_smits ·
A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection
Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week.
An avid cactus fan, the man bought a one-metre high, rare and
expensive cactus there.
On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined
for 3 months.
He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over
time it grew to about 2 meters. One evening while
watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a
light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave another spray and it shivered again.
He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state
gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? etc.
Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your family in the house?"
The bloke answered yes.
The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front
nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 20
minutes.
Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance
came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said.
A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space
suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down.
After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood
smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched.
Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the
bloke's shoulder. "What the hell's going on? he says.
"Let me show you" says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and
picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.
The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of
cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full
size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes
and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it,
dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop.
The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be
vacated and fumigated:police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.
And here's what one of the bastards looks like sitting on a full size
dinner plate
hmmmm....i suddenly don't feel like turkey for the rest of my life...
Sorry Boozer, no nudity allowed....
[Edited on 3-6-2004 by KruizinKombi]
Boozer ·
yikes!
Boozer ·
this sums up my life...he he he...pancake...
Boozer ·
beware...they're more dangerous than they look...and they can move really, really fast...sometimes...
Oasis ·
Subject: Re: What do women really want?
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long he could
answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out
the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to
death.
The question was: "What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's
end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he
spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the
Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunch backed and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises etc.
He had never run across such a repu gnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question:
"What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and
anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch
put her worst manners on display and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had
happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when
she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self
and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he
want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel
question!
Gawain began to think of his predicament- during the day a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an
old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful
woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read on until you've made your
own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing
this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had
respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly.
Underneath it all, she's still a witch and don't you forget it.
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS3x Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before
uninstalling itself.
Any ideas?
Oasis ·
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.
Take celibacy, this can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors:
Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Bill and Mary listened
to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men,
"Can you each name and describe your wife's
favourite flower."
Bill leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"Self-raising, isn't it?"
And thus began Bill's life of celibacy.
Oasis ·
A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Twenty first Birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
"She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $199.00.
"She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."
Oasis ·
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Oasis ·
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note....
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!
karmannghia60 ·
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
karmannghia60 ·
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). All Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T
[Edited on 21-6-2004 by karmannghia60]
Bami ·
LOL can I knick that one for my works newsletter
~Bami
KruizinKombi ·
Sorry, just have to put this one in Funny Emails... 😀
KruizinKombi ·
AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.
SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBOURHOOD TERRORISTS.
CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.
ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN.
AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT. THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
GOD BLESS AUSTRALIA.
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.
KruizinKombi ·
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people
left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"
KruizinKombi ·
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, smoke in one hand, favourite beverage in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!
KruizinKombi ·
A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three 'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
KruizinKombi ·
BLONDE BEEMER
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very politely if he could see her drivers license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out," he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus again!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination
that consists of some "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in
the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No,
for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating to herself.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I
finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!(maybe)
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
KruizinKombi ·
THE VALUE OF UNDIES! (from the Qld Riley Club's November 'Torque Tube'
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle.....especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hands UP his shorts and tucked everything back in place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his head.
KruizinKombi ·
Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that"
"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
zac_smits ·
hahah
okay, one from my dad.
An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior.
Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish
samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward opening a tiny box and released the fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He
drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly
quartered. No. 3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound but continued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy; but
circumcision--that takes skill!"
buzzbug ·
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million in severance pay.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Launch the Bazooka!!"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours to make some more money ... until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used his thumb and a forefinger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE!
Last summer, down on Lake Minocqua, located in upper Wisconsin, some Illinois folks on vacation and new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat to go. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much pressure was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine idled fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO!!!! Gotta love #8 😀😀😀
zac_smits ·
hahahah that's just classic!!!
buzzbug ·
my favourite is number 2
56astro ·
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
buzzbug ·
amazer ·
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
jenz58 ·
Something very funny here....439 posts & 159 views :alien
Anyone else notice....or have I had too much vino? :jesus
zac_smits ·
nah jenz..i dunno if it's right or not but the tomorrow ppl only has 409 posts and 2318 views..so maybe a '0' dropped off somewhere.....
zac
buzzbug ·
standard lines for performance appraisals
> 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
> has started to dig."
>
> 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
>
> 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
> definite won't be."
>
> 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
> in a trap."
>
> 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
>
> 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
>
> 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
> achieve them."
>
> 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
>
> 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."
>
> 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
> together."
>
> 11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
>
> 12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
>
> 13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
>
> 14. "He's been working with glue too much."
>
> 15. "He would argue with a signpost."
>
> 16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
>
> 17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
>
> 18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
> one."
>
> 19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
>
> 20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
>
> 21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
>
> 22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
> coming."
>
> 23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
> looking for it."
>
> 24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
>
> 25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
>
> 26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
>
> 27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
>
> 28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
>
> 29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
>
> 30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
KruizinKombi ·
Hey, I know people like that!! 😀
Oasis ·
ENGINEERS JOKES
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
-----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
-----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi, Bob. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company, an electric utility, loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar turbines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the turbine balanced, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge turbine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular spot of the turbine and said, "This is where your problem is add some weight at this spot " The weight was added and the turbine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000
from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
KruizinKombi ·
Guaranteed to Laugh
If you have raised kids, or gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they...um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 Hamsters .... $10
1 Cage ..... $20
1 Trip to the Vet .... $30 Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's wacker.... Priceless.
KruizinKombi ·
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest-room?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense, " said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, " said the bartender, "would you like a drink? "
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see, " laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
zac_smits ·
mahahaha i love that one. and i'm giong to be an engineer so at least i know what i'm SUPPOSED to do now!!
zac
KruizinKombi ·
Calling In Sick...
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.” You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
KruizinKombi ·
MCDONALDS JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely
SIGN HERE: Aries.
KruizinKombi ·
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interview, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her. The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Oasis ·
THE WEDDING TEST
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years
of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had
to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could
not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she
wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just
come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of
the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said: "We are very happy that you have passed our test.We
could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
KruizinKombi ·
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet.. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
KruizinKombi ·
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the Closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, Let's go
outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, That
is way more than those two things cost, I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
zac_smits ·
ahahahahahaa lmao!!!
quality sh*t kruzinkombi!!!
cheered me up a treat!!
zac
Oasis ·
Australia - The Fifty First State?
By: Nikolai Stephens on: Sun 04 of Jul, 2004 [17:37]
SYDNEY, Australia 4th July. Australians are ecstatic today after their team won a nail biting victory in the reality game show, “Who Wants to be American?” The Australian team narrowly defeated close rival the United Kingdom in the final.
“It’s a dream come true,” said Australian competitor, Jacqueline Jones. “I can’t believe we did it. We’ve worked so hard.”
The game show, which is screened in twenty-four countries across the world, pits national teams against each other in a competition to see which one is the most American. Teams compete in a variety of activities including baseball, bull riding, a fashion parade and a quiz on general knowledge and world affairs (the winner being the one that scores the lowest).
An Australian Government official announced today that it was “… a very pleasing result for the whole nation.” However, they also asked the Australian public to be patient. “We’re not American yet. There are a lot of steps that will need to be taken before we can achieve that dream. But we are on our way!” The official pointed out that the Australian government had been working towards becoming American well before the game show victory. “We’ve been doing everything the Americans tell us to do for years now.”
Social researcher from Sydney’s Cook University, Professor Bill Harfpin, suggests that it is not surprising that Australia did so well in the competition.
“We’ve been making the transition from independent nation to fifty-first state for some time. It’s only now that it’s getting official recognition.” He points out that most of the content on Australian television and almost all the movies in cinemas are American. There are also more McDonald’s restaurants per capita in Australia than anywhere in the world. “A lot of Australian teenagers would be surprised to find out that they aren’t American already,” says Halfpin.
Australians are excitedly looking forward to the challenges ahead as they seek to become a part of the greatest nation on Earth. American football and baseball training camps have been set up across the nation to educate Australians in these once unfamiliar pastimes. Non-American? sports such as cricket and Australian Rules football are being phased out in schools. Some local councils have even set up special elocution clinics to teach people how to speak correctly with an American accent.
It still may be a while off yet, but the recent victory in “Who Wants to be American?” has inspired a nation to believe that it’s a real possibility that they may soon become the fifty-first state of America. “It’s what we all want,” said Jacqueline Jones with tears in her eyes after the victory, “And we’re so close now. I’m just so proud that I have been able to make a contribution to the dream.”
Oasis ·
I love that "Don't start that shit again....." Hehehehe!!!!!:bounce
KruizinKombi ·
Thanks Clint for these.... 😀
1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."...(Alan Minter)
2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing ! " ... (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
3. "Andrew Merhtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." ...(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." ... (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ...(Winston Bennett)
6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." ... (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." ...(Greg Norman)
8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." ...(Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." ...(Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." ...(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" ...(Metro Radio)
12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." ...(David Acfield)
13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" ...(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." ...(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" ...(US PGA Commentator)
16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." ...(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
17. True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ... Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!
amazer ·
On local news they asked Mark Gasnier what it was like to play Origin with so many of his team mates. "Its great, I loving having Trent (Barrett) inside me".
That was on top of (no pun intended) Andrew Johns making similar comment during the game.
[Edited on 12-7-2004 by amazer]
amazer ·
BLIND PILOTS
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens and two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
KruizinKombi ·
Love that one Chris!! 😀
amazer ·
Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says “You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window”.
The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says “What? Are you insane? There’s no way that could happen!” No, it’s true” said the first guy, “let me prove it to you”. He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second guy is astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must’ve been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!”
“No, I’ll prove it again” says the first man as he jumps.
Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the heck,” the second guy says, “I’ve seen that it works, so I’ll try it!” He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards …..his body hits the pavement with a loud “splat”
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says …
“You know, Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re pissed.”
KruizinKombi ·
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"
She said, “I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"
KruizinKombi ·
One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, grabs some beer, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down the road. Coming out of garage rain is pouring down; its like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in withthe rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap."
Oasis ·
One day there was a teenage punk-rock boy who decided to go to the
> local shopping mall. He had just about the craziest hair-do you could
> imagine.
>
> His hair was spiked into chunks all over his head, and each spike
> of hair was dyed a different colour. Some were green, some were red, some
> yellow, some purple, etc.
>
> Well he sat down on a bench next to this old man, waiting for his friends
to
> show up. Every time the boy looked back at this old man, he was staring at
> him.
> The boy grew angry, because this old man had such a staring problem.
>
> So the boy stood up and said to the old man: "What's the matter, old man,
> huh?
> Never seen anybody do anything wild and crazy in their lives?"
>
> And the old man says: "Well actually, many years back, I got drunk, had
sex
> with a parrot and I was wondering if you might be my son."
Oasis ·
A Man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", He mumbles from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again, to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says: "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man finally pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice nurse, BUT are...my...test...results....back?"
buzzbug ·
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper
about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10
million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the bookkeeper where the 10 mllion dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper
signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells
the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's
when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's
temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the
underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper
signs back: "OK! You win! "The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind
the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the
attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:"He says you don't
have the balls to pull the trigger"
Oasis ·
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS
INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU" TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO."
Oasis ·
Happened 4 times yesterday!
amazer ·
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter the boy returns again and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
barls ·
barls ·
just got this one
KruizinKombi ·
A businessman sends a fax to his wife:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".
When the husband came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".
Your Loving Wife .....................
KruizinKombi ·
This is so sweet . . .
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
KruizinKombi ·
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along..."
KruizinKombi ·
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
”I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
Boozer ·
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Boozer ·
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel.
The first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
barls ·
just got this one in my email
Oasis ·
SHE WAS SO BLONDE…
… she thought a quarterback was a refund
… she thought General Motors was in the army
… she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
… at the bottom where it said "sign here" she wrote Libra
SHE WAS SOO BLONDE…
… she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
… she sent a fax with a stamp on it
… she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
… under "education" she put "Hooked on Phonics"
SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE…
… she tripped over a cordless phone
… she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate"
… she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
… she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE…
… she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order
… she studied for a blood test
… she sold her car for gas money
… when the sign said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE…
… when she heard that 90% of crimes occurred near home, she moved
… she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
… she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
… she thought she could not use her AM radio in the evening
Oasis ·
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Oasis ·
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Weeties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE vs. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
barls ·
a few road signs
Oasis ·
Car capsita!!!
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The
Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It`sa illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."
" Vot do you mean it`z illegal?" asks the German driver.
" Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" , the Germans retort
unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5
persons."
"You can`ta pulla thata one on me!" , replies the Italian customs
agent.
" Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are
thereforea breakina da law."
The German driver replies angrily, - " You idiot! Call your supervisor
over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
" Sorry" , responds the Italian official, " he can`ta come. He`sa busy
widah 2 guys ina Fiat Uno."
Oasis ·
A couple go on vacation to a resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to golf at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read by the water. One morning the husband returns after several hours of golfing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take a boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer."
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
The Officer says "have a nice day".
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
Oasis ·
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman
finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat
jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
______________________
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
_________________________
One blonde yells across a river to another blonde, "HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"
The other blonde replies, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE..."
_________________________
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line.
________________________________________
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15 ?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love.
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face? and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years? "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have got out today
[Edited on 11-8-2004 by Oasis]
Oasis ·
The Ventriloquist
> > > > A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
> doing a show in a small club in Essex. With his dummy on his knee,
> > > > he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
> > > > woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
I've
> > > > heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
> > > > you can stereotype women that way? What does the Colour of a
> > > > person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's
> guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
> > > > and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a
> > > > person.... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
> > > > discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in
> > > > general...and all in the name of humour!" The ventriloquist is
> > > > embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells: "You
> > > > stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on
> your knee."
Oasis ·
This is why you should never let the girls go out on the town.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have to stop. My wife came home with no panties."
"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her bum that said "From all of us at The Fire Station. We will never forget you! "
Oasis ·
Getting Old....
At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully "and thank God we can all still drive."
Oasis ·
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a
little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts
fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the
girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: 'Brave
New Yorker saves the life of little girl!'
"The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh, then it will say in
newspapers in the morning: The policeman answers, 'Brave American saves life of little girl!'”
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers says: ‘Islamic extremist terrorist kills
innocent American dog’.
Oasis ·
BAPTIST COWBOY
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three bottles of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a bottle goes flat after I open it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two bottles. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Longview and I had to quit drinking ........ Hasn't affected my brothers though...
helterskelter400 ·
hope it aint been done before. its a goodie.
The Dilemma
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life..
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.. I would stay behind And wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.
amazer ·
.
Oasis ·
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
KruizinKombi ·
Life has now been explained.
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so
that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
amazer ·
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Oasis ·
well......
kombikim ·
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
> was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
> though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little
> girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
> reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
> impossible.
> The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The
> teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
> "Then you ask him".
> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
> were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
> the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused
> and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat,
> or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
> and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy
> Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us
> how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little
> boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
> the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
> of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked
> at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,
> Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
> and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl
> thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come
> ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
> The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
> persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
> nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
> Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
> voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's
> dead."
> A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
> make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
> blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
> "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
> the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
> shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
> school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The
> nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
> watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
> table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
> note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Boozer ·
Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".
The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"
buzzbug ·
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for
it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
buzzbug ·
1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.
3) Tyres -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Oasis ·
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
Alex Holzl ·
HAHAHAHAHA
Oasis ·
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he
> comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even
> better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
> absolute mint condition.
>
> He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
> condition for 10 years.
>
> "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the
> bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
> protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
>
> That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
> Naturally, they take the bike there.
>
> But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to
> tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we
> don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has
to
> do the dishes."
>
> "No problem," he says. And in they go.
>
> Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
> huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of
> dishes.
>
> Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.
>
> They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
> progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans
over
> and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her
> breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her
> clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front
> of her parents.
>
> His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
> mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
>
> He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the
> mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
> way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
> dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
>
> All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe
> remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
>
> Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
that's
> enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO!!! :thumb:thumb:thumb
KruizinKombi ·
A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!”
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
KruizinKombi ·
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
KruizinKombi ·
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came around the corner.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Wow, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to
Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
Oasis ·
Subject: Affair's
The First Affair : A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The Second Affair: There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair: A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's penis. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. ! "Oh my God!" his wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair: A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?" exclaimed the man. He couldn't believe it. He glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the man. 4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where 's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair: Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now relax and let the poison work"
Oasis ·
"Nice country....":P
Oasis ·
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?”
Mama answered, "Not yet."
Oasis ·
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Oasis ·
Why Men Are Just Happier People -
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your
nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!!!
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the fucking wall!"
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. and MOST
important....
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Most married couples mainly argue about two things, sex and money, So agree the price before you start.
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
“Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in th passenger seat that made me suspicious"
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake it’s twenty to two in the fucking morning!"
Oasis ·
Subject: Accident, great loss, tragedy defined by Mr G.W. Bush
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy. Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No", said Bush, "that would be an accident."
Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr and Mrs Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Oasis ·
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society". After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert thathan the curator of the Gallery?", asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Oasis ·
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* a half-gallon of 2% milk
* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon
She was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied: "Cause you're ugly."
Oasis ·
Some of my favourites:
Actual metaphors from High School exams:
1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
5. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
13. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
16. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.
17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
19. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
20. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword
21. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
22. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
23. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he's none too experienced either.
On their wedding night she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My dalling' he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you belly flighten. I plomise you I give you anyting you want, I do anyting ... jus anyting you want ...- you say...whatchou want?" he says trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for her response. She eventually replies shyly and unsurely "I want num' 69"
More thoughtful silence ... this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ... "You want ... Beef wif Bloccoli?"
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Oasis ·
Scam Warning!
I hate these hoax warnings, but this one is important!!!
Please send this to everyone on your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a
survey and ask you to show them your bum, do not show them your bum.
This is a scam; They only want to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
Oasis ·
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
> It could not only
> dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any
> good bartender --
> engage in appropriate conversation.
>
> A man enters the bar, orders a drink. The robot
> serves him a perfectly
> prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man replies, "150."
>
> And the robot proceeds to make conversation about
> Quantum physics,
> string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
>
> The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is
> really cool." He
> decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar,
> turns around, and
> comes back in for another drink.
>
> Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him,
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man responds, "100."
>
> And immediately the robot starts talking, but this
> time, about football,
> NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, etc.
>
> Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides
> to give the robot
> one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him
> and asks, "What's
> your IQ?"
>
> The man replies, "50."
>
> And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush
> again?"
zac_smits ·
hahahaha classic!!!
Oasis ·
Eye me hearties.....
buzzbug ·
Basic rules for driving in Sydney.
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Sydney Driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave any distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
9. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Sydney is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to the RTA, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
11. It is traditional in Sydney to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
14. Remember that the goal of every Sydney driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
15. Real Sydney women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
16. Real Sydney men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
18. There is a common held belief in Sydney that highspeed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.
19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.
20. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around Mt Druit, Lakemba, Punchbowl and Cabramatta.
21. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
22. It's O.K when driving in Sydney's Western suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged 5 litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.
Oasis ·
Scientific Fact...
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to
get a little practice in before the final exams.
He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and,
to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise,
music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops.
Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as
he pulls the cork back out again.
They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?", replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
Oasis ·
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands." Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?" "Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she
whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the
ladies room."
Oasis ·
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the
locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Oasis ·
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
> > told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the
> > man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
> > The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
> >
> > The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some moron
> > out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was
> > finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right
> > behind him, so he added,
> >
> > "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
> >
> > The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
> > manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got
> > yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
> > with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
> > we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
> > The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
> > "You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
> > The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."
> >
> > "My wife is from New Zealand!!"
> >
> > The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
kombikim ·
THE SPOON:
(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he, too, had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can ! reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon after enjoying my soup, and, yes, he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon the next time I go into the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked our waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39%."
"After you get it out," I inquired, "how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
[Edited on 24-9-2004 by kombikim]
Oasis ·
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they have set-up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Tonto replies "Me see millions of stars". "What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute and replies "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies playing host to billions of stars and planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately 3:15 AM. Theologically, it is evident the Lord is all powerful and as small insignificant beings, we pale in his presence. Meteorologically, we are in for a clear and beautiful day tomorrow with a light easterly breeze in the morning. What it tell you Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, looking at Tonto in amazement, then says: "Tonto you f*ckwit. It tells ME that someone has stolen our tent!"
Oasis ·
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names – a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of acetaminophen is known as naproxen, amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxaflopin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix
and of course ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. The additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a
good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name Mount ‘n Do.
The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent
on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer’s research. It is believed that by 2030, there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.
amazer ·
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many
years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,
>An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into
>
>a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Cascade Draught,
>
>and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
>
>other.
>
>At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
>
>place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
>
>He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
>
>because she is short of funds she agrees.
>
>The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Cascade Draught and after
>
>showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will
>
>sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only
>
>too happy to agree.
>
>This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a
>
>Cascade Draught and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him
>
>some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him,
>
>
>so she goes over and sits next to him.
>
>She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
>
>"Melbourne".
>
>"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
>
>"Glen Iris" he replies.
>
>"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
>
>" Cameo Street " he replies.
>
>"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"
>
>He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
>
>"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still
>
>live there!"
>
>"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you".
>
>HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
Oasis ·
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, he promised himself a vacation after the next big score. Then he clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," >replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."
zac_smits ·
interesting facts....
if you place a single drop of alcohol on a scorpion it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
a rat will last for longer without water than a camel.
umm, i forget the rest now...
zac
EDIT: NEW JOKE!
> THE EULOGY
>
> She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
> She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
>
> Again she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
> Again, her husband died.
>
> Alas, she finally died.
>
> Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The
> Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally
together."
>
> One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
> means her first, second or third husband?"
>
> The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
>
[Edited on 5-10-2004 by zac_smits]
Oasis ·
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas
thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
Oasis ·
Very funny pics:
zac_smits ·
only in america hey...
zac_smits ·
Larry rode the city bus to work.
Everyday he would see nuns riding the bus to a convent downtown. He thought that one nun in particular was cute, but knew he would never get a chance to do anything about it since nuns took a oath to be pure.
One day as the nuns exited the bus at there stop downtown Larry made a comment to the bus driver.
"Wow I would love to sleep with her."
Bob the bus driver replied, "Well there is a way."
Larry was curious to hear.
"Every full moon that nun goes to the graveyard and prays for peoples souls. If you were to dress up in a white robe and a wig with long blonde hair you could say you are God and she would do anything you say. As a matter of fact there is supposed to be a full moon tonight!" The bus driver explained.
Larry thought it was a great idea and greatly thanked the Bob as he made his way off the bus.
That night Larry drove to the graveyard to see if the nun was there. There was a thick mist in the graveyard with the moon shining up in the sky, and next to a tombstone Larry saw the nun praying. Larry was so excited he put on the white robe and blonde wig, and ran out the car.
He walked up silently and hide behind a tree. He listened the the nun pray. After she had said Amen, Larry came out from behind the tree to make himself visable to the nun.
The nun saw him and with a suprised voice said, "My Lord?"
Larry replied in a deep voice, "Yes my child."
The nun quickly fell to her nees," Your servant is at your will."
"You shall have sex with me," Larry said.
"Yes my Lord, but only anal for I want to keep the oath I have made" the nun answered.
Larry excited nodded his head.
She bent over and Larry went to work.
As he finished the nun asked, "Is that all my Lord"
Larry laughed and pulled of the robe and wig to reveal himself.
"HAH! I'M LARRY THE GUY FROM THE BUS!"
The nun then pulled of her clothes to reveal herself
HAH! I'M BOB THE BUS DRIVER!"
zac_smits ·
Linda and Carl hav ebeen married for 50 years. They have had there ups and downs but in the end they have made it through.
To celebrate their 50th anniversary they thought it would be a great idea to go back to the old dinner where they had their first date.
As they were seated at the dinner they were congradulated by everyone for accomplishment
A police officer happened to be sitting in the next booth over to Linda and Carl.
As Linda and Carl's meal progressed so did there conversation.
Carl asked Linda, "Remember when we used to have sex on the fence right behind here?"
Linda bashfully nodded yes.
"Wouldn't it be great to go back there and do it again? For old-times sakes."
"Oh Carl" Linda replied
The police officer had heard their whole conversation and could hardly control himself from laughing. As the couple left the dinner the police officer thought to himself he had to see this, so he followed them out and behind the dinner.
The police officer peeked around the corner of the building to see what was going on. He saw the old lady facing the fence as she pulled down her knickers and the old man standing behind her pulling down his draws.
The police officer thought to himself he had better keep a watch out so nobody would walk in on them.
As he watched he saw the old lady grab the fence as the old man grabed her waist and went to work.
The Officer was amazed and how hard and fast the old man was going.
It continued non-stop for about 1 hr.
Finally the old women and old man fell to the floor. They laid there on the floor lifeless for a while, then slowly got up and put back on there clothes.
The police officer had to ask what was the old mans secret was.
As the old couple walked away the Police Officer approached Carl and shook his hand. "Sir may I asked what is your secret? I mean after 50 years what did you do to go that hard and last so long?"
The old man looked up at him exhausted and said, " 50 years ago that was not an electric fence!"
zac_smits ·
oh this one is just classic!!!
Hev ewe got a keewee iksunt?
Have you spent years trying but ultimately failing to understand what New
Zealanders are saying? By following these easy steps you too can hold a
conversation with a New Zealander. Tip - you'll need to sound these out
either in your mind or aloud. What you hear and what it really means:
FOR BIST EFICT RID THESE OUT ALOUD!!!
Milburn ........................Capital of Victoria
Peck ..........................I'm packing a suitcase
Pissed aside .................. Chemical which terminates insects
Pigs .......................... Hang out washing with
Pump .......................... To act as agent for prostitute
Pug .......................... Large animal
Nin tin dough ................. Computer game
Munner stroney .................A kind of soup
Min ........................... Male of the species
Mess Kara ..................... eye makeup
Mckennock ..................... person who fixes cars
Mere........................... Mayor
Leather ........................foam produced from soap
Lift .......................... To leave
Kiri Pecker ....................Famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps...................Potato chips
Key tongue .....................ex OZ Prime Minister
Ken's...........................Cairns
Jumbo...........................pet name for Jimmy Connors (tennis player)
Jungle bills ...................Xmas carol
Inner me .......................enemy
Guess ..........................Vapour
Fush........................... marine creatures
Fitter cheney.................. type of pasta
Ever cardeau ..................Avocado
Fear hear...................... blonde
Ear.............................mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks................... exercise at the gym
Duffy cult......................not easy
Bug hut ....................... popular recording
Bun button ................... .been bitten - by insect
Amejen ........................ Visualise
BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the billy"
BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria" "E-Jupp "and Libinon
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff
GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves.
SENDELS: Thongs, open shoes
COLOUR: Terminator, murderer.
CUSS: Pursing & thun metting of lups
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".
FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with
"ruggertony"
And finally after a recent rugby international between our 2 nations some
wag had written on the stadium wall "Australia Sucks". The following day
though this had been amended to show the full score. "Australia Sucks -
New Zealand Nul"
Onestone
> >
> >
> >>
> >>
> >> > > There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so
> >> > > named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and
> >> > > asked everyone not to call him Onestone!
> >> > >
> >> > > After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
> >> > > said,
> >> > >
> >> > > "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word
> >> > > got
> >> around
> >> > > and nobody called him that any more.
> >> > >
> >> > > Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
> >
> >> > > morning, Onestone..."
> >> > >
> >> > > He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
> >> > > he
> >> made
> >> > > love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
> >> > > next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got
> >> > > around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years
> >> > > went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
> >
> >> > > named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
> >> > > many years.
> >> > >
> >> > > Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
> >> > > saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,
> >> > > Onestone..."
> >> > >
> >> > > Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
> >> > > love
> >> to
> >> > > her all day, made love to her all ! night, made love to her all
> >> > > the
> >> next
> >> > > day, made love
> >> > > to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is
> >> > > the moral of this story?
> >> > > Think about it ..
> >> > > And the moral is .
> >> > > ''...You can't kill two birds with one stone. :-)
> >> > >
KruizinKombi ·
LMAO!!! :thumb:thumb:thumb
Oasis ·
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......................
"Go get your mother."
Oasis ·
Hey Canni, LMFAO...:thumb:thumb
Oasis ·
Subject: Can the English Language Survive George W Bush?
G.W. Bush QUOTES:
>"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
>- George W. Bush
>
>"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
>- George W. Bush
>
>"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
>one
>word is 'to be prepared'."
>- George W. Bush
>
>"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
>the
>future."
>-George W. Bush
>
>"The future will be better tomorrow."
> George W. Bush
>
> "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
>- George W. Bush
>
>"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
>- George W. Bush
>
>We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
>commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
>George W. Bush
>
>
>"Public speaking is very easy."
>George W. Bush
>
>
>"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
>polls."
> George W. Bush
>
>We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
>
>- George W. Bush
>
>
>"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
>
>- George W. Bush
>
>"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
>children."
>- George W. Bush
>
>"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
>in
>our air and water that are doing it."
>-George W. Bush
>
>"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
>- George W. Bush
zac_smits ·
rofl to the last one....:P
zac
zac_smits ·
presenting the homer simpson beer song...
enjoy!
zac
robnjo ·
this one somebody sent a while back,not realy funny but the kids love it... http://www.maylin.net/Fireworks.html
..........make sure you crank it,oh and there is a 2nd page too
robnjo ·
zac_smits ·
yeh i seen that last one before....
those guys must be nuts....
kombikim ·
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more.
" THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, God?"
The voice replied,
"No, this is the manager of the Ice Rink."
Oasis ·
----------------------------------------------
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
--------------------------------------------
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
----------------------------
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-----------------------
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
------------------------
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-----------------------
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
--------------------------
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-------------------------
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
--------------------------------
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-------------------------------
Definition of a will: A dead give away.
------------------------
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-------------------------------
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
----------------------------------
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
----------------------------------
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-------------------------------
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
------------------------------
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
------------------------------
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
---------------------------------------------
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-----------------------
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
----------------------------------
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
----------------------------
Every calendar's days are numbered.
------------------------
A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.
------------------------------
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
------------------------------------------------
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
-----------------------------------------------
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-------------------------------------------
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-------------------------------
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
----------------------------
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
--------------------------
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Oasis ·
MORE BUSHISMS:
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. - John Stuart Mill.
"A RESULTS-ORIENTED ADMINISTRATION… WILL MAKE AMERICA WHAT WE WANT IT TO BE-A LITERATE COUNTRY AND A HOPEFULLER COUNTRY."-WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 11, 2001
"I WOULD HAVE TO ASK THE QUESTIONER. I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO ASK THE QUESTIONERS THE QUESTION THEY'VE BEEN QUESTIONING. AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 8, 2001
"I DO REMAIN CONFIDENT IN LINDA. SHE'LL MAKE A FINE LABOR SECRETARY. FROM WHAT I'VE READ IN THE PRESS ACCOUNTS, SHE'S PERFECTLY QUALIFIED."-AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 8, 2001
"SHE IS A MEMBER OF A LABOR UNION AT ONE POINT."
ANNOUNCING HIS NOMINATION OF LINDA CHAVEZ AS SECRETARY OF LABOR. AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 2, 2001
"NATURAL GAS IS HEMISPHERIC. I LIKE TO CALL IT HEMISPHERIC IN NATURE BECAUSE IT IS A PRODUCT THAT WE CAN FIND IN OUR NEIGHBORHOODS."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, DEC. 20, 2000
"I AM MINDFUL OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH. I ASSURED ALL FOUR OF THESE LEADERS THAT I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, AND THAT DIFFERENCE IS THEY PASS THE LAWS AND I EXECUTE THEM." WASHINGTON, D.C., DEC. 18, 2000
"THE GREAT THING ABOUT AMERICA IS EVERYBODY SHOULD VOTE."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, DEC. 8, 2000
"I KNEW IT MIGHT PUT HIM IN AN AWKWARD POSITION THAT WE HAD A DISCUSSION BEFORE FINALITY HAS FINALLY HAPPENED IN THIS PRESIDENTIAL RACE."
DESCRIBING A PHONE CALL TO SEN. JOHN BREAUX. CRAWFORD, TEXAS, DEC. 2, 2000
"THE LEGISLATURE'S JOB IS TO WRITE LAW. IT'S THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH'S JOB TO INTERPRET LAW."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, NOV. 22, 2000
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM."
ST. CHARLES, MO., NOV. 2, 2000
"STATES SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENACT REASONABLE LAWS AND RESTRICTIONS PARTICULARLY TO END THE INHUMANE PRACTICE OF ENDING A LIFE THAT OTHERWISE COULD LIVE."
-CLEVELAND, JUNE 29, 2000
"UNFAIRLY BUT TRUTHFULLY, OUR PARTY HAS BEEN TAGGED AS BEING AGAINST THINGS... ANTI-IMMIGRANT, FOR EXAMPLE. AND WE'RE NOT A PARTY OF ANTI-IMMIGRANTS. QUITE THE OPPOSITE. WE'RE A PARTY THAT WELCOMES PEOPLE."
-CAMPAIGNING IN CLEVELAND, JULY 1, 2000
" I DO NOT BELIEVE WE'VE PUT A GUILTY... I MEAN INNOCENT PERSON TO DEATH IN THE STATE OF TEXAS."
-ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, NPR, JUNE 16, 2000
"I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT THE IDEAL WORLD, CHRIS. I'VE READ- I UNDERSTAND REALITY. IF YOU'RE ASKING ME AS THE PRESIDENT, WOULD I UNDERSTAND REALITY, I DO."
-ON ABORTION, HARDBALL, MSNBC; MAY 31, 2000
"THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THE SYSTEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE LIKE ME."
-ON THE COMING SOCIAL SECURITY CRISIS; WILTON, CONN.; JUNE 9, 2000
BUSH: "FIRST OF ALL, CINCO DE MAYO IS NOT THE INDEPENDENCE DAY. THAT'S DIECISEIS DE SEPTIEMBRE, AND ..." MATTHEWS: "WHAT'S THAT IN ENGLISH?" BUSH: "FIFTEENTH OF SEPTEMBER." (DIECISEIS DE SEPTIEMBRE = SEPT. 16)
-HARDBALL, MSNBC, MAY 31, 2000
"ACTUALLY, I...THIS MAY SOUND A LITTLE WEST TEXAN TO YOU, BUT I LIKE IT. WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT...WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, AND WHEN HE'S TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, ALL OF US ARE TALKING ABOUT ME."
--HARDBALL, MSNBC, MAY 31, 2000
"HE HAS CERTAINLY EARNED A REPUTATION AS A FANTASTIC MAYOR, BECAUSE THE RESULTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. I MEAN, NEW YORK'S A SAFER PLACE FOR HIM TO BE."
-ON RUDY GIULIANI, THE EDGE WITH PAULA ZAHN, MAY 18, 2000
"THE FACT THAT HE RELIES ON FACTS...SAYS THINGS THAT ARE NOT FACTUAL...ARE GOING TO UNDERMINE HIS CAMPAIGN."
-NEW YORK TIMES, MARCH 4, 2000
"I THINK WE AGREE, THE PAST IS OVER."
-ON HIS MEETING WITH JOHN MCCAIN, DALLAS MORNING NEWS, MAY 10, 2000
"IT'S CLEARLY A BUDGET. IT'S GOT A LOT OF NUMBERS IN IT."
-REUTERS, MAY 5, 2000
GOV. BUSH: " I TALKED TO MY LITTLE BROTHER, JEB...I HAVEN'T TOLD THIS TO MANY PEOPLE. BUT HE'S THE GOVERNOR OF...I SHOULDN'T CALL HIM MY LITTLE BROTHER...MY BROTHER, JEB, THE GREAT GOVERNOR OF TEXAS." JIM LEHRER: "FLORIDA." GOV. BUSH: "FLORIDA. THE STATE OF THE FLORIDA."
-THE NEWSHOUR WITH JIM LEHRER, APRIL 27, 2000
"I WAS RAISED IN THE WEST. THE WEST OF TEXAS. IT'S PRETTY CLOSE TO CALIFORNIA. IN MORE WAYS THAN WASHINGTON, D.C., IS CLOSE TO CALIFORNIA."
-IN LOS ANGELES AS QUOTED BY THE LOS ANGELES TIMES, APRIL 8, 2000
"OTHER REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES MAY RETORT TO PERSONAL ATTACKS AND NEGATIVE ADS."
-FUND-RAISING LETTER FROM GEORGE W. BUSH, QUOTED IN THE WASHINGTON POST, MARCH 24, 2000
"PEOPLE MAKE SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT TO SAY ALL THE TIME. I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE; I DON'T READ WHAT'S HANDED TO ME. PEOPLE SAY, 'HERE, HERE'S YOUR SPEECH, OR HERE'S AN IDEA FOR A SPEECH.' THEY'RE CHANGED. TRUST ME."
-INTERVIEW WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES, MARCH 15, 2000
"IT'S EVOLUTIONARY, GOING FROM GOVERNOR TO PRESIDENT, AND THIS IS A SIGNIFICANT STEP, TO BE ABLE TO VOTE FOR YOURSELF ON THE BALLOT, AND I'LL BE ABLE TO DO SO NEXT FALL, I HOPE."
-INTERVIEW WITH THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, MARCH 8, 2000
"IT IS NOT REAGANESQUE TO SUPPORT A TAX PLAN THAT IS CLINTON IN NATURE."
-LOS ANGELES, FEB. 23, 2000
"I UNDERSTAND SMALL BUSINESS GROWTH. I WAS ONE."
-NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, FEB. 19, 2000
"THE SENATOR HAS GOT TO UNDERSTAND IF HE'S GOING TO HAVE...HE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. HE CAN'T TAKE THE HIGH HORSE AND THEN CLAIM THE LOW ROAD."
-TO REPORTERS IN FLORENCE, S.C., FEB. 17, 2000
"IF YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED OF THE POLITICS OF CYNICISM AND POLLS AND PRINCIPLES, COME AND JOIN THIS CAMPAIGN."
-HILTON HEAD, S.C., FEB. 16, 2000
"HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T MEASURE IF YOU HAVE A SYSTEM THAT SIMPLY SUCKLES KIDS THROUGH?"
-EXPLAINING THE NEED FOR EDUCATIONAL ACCOUNTABILITY IN BEAUFORT, S.C., FEB. 16, 2000
"WE OUGHT TO MAKE THE PIE HIGHER."
-SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE, FEB. 15, 2000
"I'VE CHANGED MY STYLE SOMEWHAT, AS YOU KNOW. I'M LESS...I PONTIFICATE LESS, ALTHOUGH IT MAY BE HARD TO TELL IT FROM THIS SHOW. AND I'M MORE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE."
-SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE, FEB. 15, 2000
"I THINK WE NEED NOT ONLY TO ELIMINATE THE TOLLBOOTH TO THE MIDDLE CLASS, I THINK WE SHOULD KNOCK DOWN THE TOLLBOOTH."
-NASHUA, N.H., AS QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, FEB. 1, 2000
"THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IS NOT TO BE GOVERNOR, OR FIRST LADY IN MY CASE."
-PELLA, IOWA, AS QUOTED BY THE SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS, JAN. 30, 2000
"WILL THE HIGHWAYS ON THE INTERNET BECOME MORE FEW?"
-CONCORD, N.H., JAN. 29, 2000
"THIS IS PRESERVATION MONTH. I APPRECIATE PRESERVATION. IT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT. YOU GOTTA PRESERVE."
-SPEAKING DURING "PERSEVERENCE MONTH" AT FAIRGROUNDS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN NASHUA, N.H. AS QUOTED IN THE LOS ANGELES TIMES, JAN. 28, 2000
"I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO PUT FOOD ON YOUR FAMILY."
-GREATER NASHUA, N.H., CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, JAN. 27, 2000
"WHAT I AM AGAINST IS QUOTAS. I AM AGAINST HARD QUOTAS, QUOTAS THEY BASICALLY DELINEATE BASED UPON WHATEVER. HOWEVER THEY DELINEATE, QUOTAS, I THINK VULCANIZE SOCIETY. SO I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT FITS INTO WHAT EVERYBODY
ELSE IS SAYING, THEIR RELATIVE POSITIONS, BUT THAT'S MY POSITION."
-THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE, JAN. 21, 2000
"WHEN I WAS COMING UP, IT WAS A DANGEROUS WORLD, AND YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHO THEY WERE. IT WAS US VS. THEM, AND IT WAS CLEAR WHO THEM WAS. TODAY, WE ARE NOT SO SURE WHO THE THEY ARE, BUT WE KNOW THEY'RE THERE."
-IOWA WESTERN COMMUNITY COLLEGE, JAN 21, 2000
"THE ADMINISTRATION I'LL BRING IS A GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE FOCUSED ON WHAT'S BEST FOR AMERICA, HONEST MEN AND WOMEN, DECENT MEN AND WOMEN, WOMEN WHO WILL SEE SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY AS A GREAT PRIVILEGE AND WHO WILL
NOT STAIN THE HOUSE."
-DES MOINES REGISTER DEBATE, IOWA, JAN. 15, 2000
"THIS IS STILL A DANGEROUS WORLD. IT'S A WORLD OF MADMEN AND UNCERTAINTY AND POTENTIAL MENTAL LOSSES."
-AT A SOUTH CAROLINA OYSTER ROAST, AS QUOTED IN THE FINANCIAL TIMES, JAN. 14, 2000
"WE MUST ALL HEAR THE UNIVERSAL CALL TO LIKE YOUR NEIGHBOR JUST LIKE YOU LIKE TO BE LIKED YOURSELF."
"RARELY IS THE QUESTION ASKED: IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?"
-FLORENCE, S.C., JAN. 11, 2000
"GOV. BUSH WILL NOT STAND FOR THE SUBSIDATION OF FAILURE."
-FLORENCE, S.C., JAN. 11, 2000
"THE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS, HOW MANY HANDS HAVE I SHAKED?"
IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, OCT. 23, 1999
"I DON'T REMEMBER DEBATES. I DON'T THINK WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME DEBATING IT.. MAYBE WE DID, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER."
-ON DISCUSSIONS OF THE VIETNAM WAR WHEN HE WAS AN UNDERGRADUATE AT YALE, WASHINGTON POST, JULY 27, 1999
"IT WAS JUST INEBRIATING WHAT MIDLAND WAS ALL ABOUT THEN."
-FROM A 1994 INTERVIEW, AS QUOTED IN FIRST SON BY BILL MINUTAGLIO
"I THINK ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T THINK I'M SMART ENOUGH TO HANDLE THE JOB IS UNDERESTIMATING."
-U.S. NEWS & WORLD REPORT, APRIL 3, 2000
"ANYWAY, I'M SO THANKFUL, AND SO GRACIOUS - I'M GRACIOUS THAT MY BROTHER JEB IS CONCERNED ABOUT THE HEMISPHERE AS WELL." JUNE 4, 2001
"SO ON BEHALF OF A WELL-OILED UNIT OF PEOPLE WHO CAME TOGETHER TO SERVE SOMETHING GREATER THAN THEMSELVES, CONGRATULATIONS." IN REMARKS TO THE UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM, THE 2001 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, MAY 31, 2001
"FOR EVERY FATAL SHOOTING, THERE WERE ROUGHLY THREE NON-FATAL SHOOTINGS. AND, FOLKS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE IN AMERICA. IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE. AND WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." -MAY 14
"THERE'S NO QUESTION THAT THE MINUTE I GOT ELECTED, THE STORM CLOUDS ON THE HORIZON WERE GETTING NEARLY DIRECTLY OVERHEAD." - MAY 11, 2001
"BUT I ALSO MADE IT CLEAR TO (VLADIMIR PUTIN) THAT IT'S IMPORTANT TO THINK BEYOND THE OLD DAYS OF WHEN WE HAD THE CONCEPT THAT IF WE BLEW EACH OTHER UP, THE WORLD WOULD BE SAFE." - MAY 1, 2001
"FIRST, WE WOULD NOT ACCEPT A TREATY THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN RATIFIED, NOR A TREATY THAT I THOUGHT MADE SENSE FOR THE COUNTRY." - ON THE KYOTO ACCORD, APRIL 24, 2001
"IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR FOLKS TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN THERE'S MORE TRADE, THERE'S MORE COMMERCE." -AT THE SUMMIT OF THE AMERICAS IN QUEBEC CITY, APRIL 21, 2001
"NEITHER IN FRENCH NOR IN ENGLISH NOR IN MEXICAN." - DECLINING TO TAKE REPORTERS' QUESTIONS DURING A PHOTO OP WITH CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER JEAN CHRETIEN, APRIL 21, 2001
"THIS ADMINISTRATION IS DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO END THE STALEMATE IN AN EFFICIENT WAY. WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS TO BRING THE SOLUTION TO AN END." -APRIL 10, 2001
"IT WOULD BE HELPFUL IF WE OPENED UP ANWR (ARCTIC NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE). I THINK IT'S A MISTAKE NOT TO. AND I WOULD URGE YOU ALL TO TRAVEL UP THERE AND TAKE A LOOK AT IT, AND YOU CAN MAKE THE DETERMINATION AS TO HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT COUNTRY IS." - AT A WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE, MARCH 29, 2001
"I'VE COINED NEW WORDS, LIKE, MISUNDERSTANDING AND HISPANICALLY." -SPEAKING AT THE RADIO & TELEVISION CORRESPONDENTS DINNER, MARCH 29, 2001
"A LOT OF TIMES IN THE RHETORIC, PEOPLE FORGET THE FACTS. AND THE FACTS ARE THAT THOUSANDS OF SMALL BUSINESSES - HISPANICALLY OWNED OR OTHERWISE - PAY TAXES AT THE HIGHEST MARGINAL RATE." -SPEAKING TO THE HISPANIC CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, MARCH 19, 2001
"I DO THINK WE NEED FOR A TROOP TO BE ABLE TO HOUSE HIS FAMILY. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF BUILDING MORALE IN THE MILITARY." -SPEAKING AT TYNDALL AIR FORCE BASE IN FLORIDA, MARCH 12, 2001
"I SUSPECT THAT HAD MY DAD NOT BEEN PRESIDENT, HE'D BE ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS: HOW'D YOUR MEETING GO WITH SO-AND-SO? … HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU STOOD UP IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE FOR THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS-STATE OF THE BUDGET ADDRESS, WHATEVER YOU CALL IT." -IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE WASHINGTON POST, MARCH 9, 2001
"ANN AND I WILL CARRY OUT THIS EQUIVOCAL MESSAGE TO THE WORLD: MARKETS MUST BE OPEN." AT THE SWEARING-IN CEREMONY FOR SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE ANN VENEMAN, MARCH 2, 2001
PLAN PLAYS DOWN AN UNPRECEDENTED AMOUNT OF OUR NATIONAL DEBT." -IN HIS BUDGET ADDRESS TO CONGRESS, FEB. 27, 2001
"I HAVE SAID THAT THE SANCTION REGIME IS LIKE SWISS CHEESE - THAT MEANT THAT THEY WEREN'T VERY EFFECTIVE." -DURING A WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE, FEB. 22, 2001
"YOU TEACH A CHILD TO READ, AND HE OR HER WILL BE ABLE TO PASS A LITERACY TEST.'' -FEB. 21, 2001
"IT'S GOOD TO SEE SO MANY FRIENDS HERE IN THE ROSE GARDEN. THIS IS OUR FIRST EVENT IN THIS BEAUTIFUL SPOT, AND IT'S APPROPRIATE WE TALK ABOUT POLICY THAT WILL AFFECT PEOPLE'S LIVES IN A POSITIVE WAY IN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PART OF OUR NATIONAL - REALLY, OUR NATIONAL PARK SYSTEM, MY GUESS IS YOU WOULD WANT TO CALL IT."-FEB. 8, 2001
"WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT AIDS INSIDE OUR WHITE HOUSE - MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT." -FEB. 7, 2001
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS LEGACIES. AT LEAST, THERE IS A LEGACY, BUT I'LL NEVER SEE IT." -SPEAKING TO CATHOLIC LEADERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, JAN. 31, 2001
"I APPRECIATE THAT QUESTION BECAUSE I, IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, HAD HEARD A LOT OF DISCUSSION ABOUT A FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE ERODING THE IMPORTANT BRIDGE BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE.", SPEAKING TO REPORTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 29, 2001
"I AM MINDFUL NOT ONLY OF PRESERVING EXECUTIVE POWERS FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR PREDECESSORS AS WELL." -WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 29, 2001
"REDEFINING THE ROLE OF THE UNITED STATES FROM ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE TO ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE FROM PEACEKEEPERS IS GOING TO BE AN ASSIGNMENT." -JAN. 2001
"I'M HOPEFUL. I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF AMBITION IN WASHINGTON, OBVIOUSLY. BUT I HOPE THE AMBITIOUS REALIZE THAT THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED WITH SUCCESS AS OPPOSED TO FAILURE." -JAN. 2001
"THE CALIFORNIA CRUNCH REALLY IS THE RESULT OF NOT ENOUGH POWER-GENERATING PLANTS AND THEN NOT ENOUGH POWER TO POWER THE POWER OF GENERATING PLANTS." -JAN. 2001
"SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE ANTHONY GETS A GOOD MEAL - ANTONIO." -GEORGE W. BUSH, ON LAURA BUSH INVITING JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA TO DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE, JAN. 2001
WE MUST ALL HEAR THE UNIVERSAL CALL TO LIKE YOUR NEIGHBOR JUST LIKE YOU LIKE TO BE LIKED YOURSELF.
I HAVE A DIFFERENT VISION OF LEADERSHIP. A LEADERSHIP IS SOMEONE WHO BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER.
I MEAN, THERE NEEDS TO BE A WHOLESALE EFFORT AGAINST RACIAL PROFILING, WHICH IS ILLITERATE CHILDREN.
LEADERSHIP TO ME MEANS DUTY, HONOR, COUNTRY. IT MEANS CHARACTER, AND IT MEANS LISTENING FROM TIME TO TIME.
IN MY SENTENCES I GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
ONE OF THE COMMON DENOMINATORS I HAVE FOUND IS THAT EXPECTATIONS RISE ABOVE THAT WHICH IS EXPECTED.
THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IS NOT TO BE GOVERNOR, OR FIRST LADY IN MY CASE.
THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THE SYSTEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE LIKE ME.
WE ARE READY FOR ANY UNFORESEEN EVENT WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN.
THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM.
I APPRECIATE THAT QUESTION BECAUSE I, IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, HAD HEARD A LOT OF DISCUSSION ABOUT A FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE ERODING THE IMPORTANT BRIDGE BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE.
FOR EVERY FATAL SHOOTING, THERE WERE ROUGHLY THREE NON-FATAL SHOOTINGS. AND, FOLKS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE IN AMERICA. IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE. AND WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
THIS ADMINISTRATION IS DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO END THE STALEMATE IN AN EFFICIENT WAY. WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS TO BRING THE SOLUTION TO AN END.
ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT BOOKS IS SOMETIMES THERE ARE SOME FANTASTIC PICTURES.
I MENTIONED EARLY ON THAT I RECOGNIZE THERE ARE HURDLES, AND WE'RE GOING TO ACHIEVE THOSE HURDLES. [1/22/2003]
PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY VERY WEIRD CAN GET INTO SENSITIVE POSITIONS AND HAVE A TREMENDOUS IMPACT ON HISTORY.
THE ADMINISTRATION I'LL BRING IS A GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE FOCUSED ON WHAT'S BEST FOR AMERICA, HONEST MEN AND WOMEN, DECENT MEN AND WOMEN, WOMEN WHO WILL SEE SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY AS A GREAT PRIVILEGE AND WHO WILL NOT STAIN THE HOUSE.
IT'S CLEARLY A BUDGET. IT'S GOT A LOT OF NUMBERS IN IT.
I UNDERSTAND SMALL BUSINESS GROWTH. I WAS ONE.
HE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. HE CAN'T TAKE THE HIGH HORSE AND THEN CLAIM THE LOW ROAD.
RARELY IS THE QUESTION ASKED: IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?
WILL THE HIGHWAYS ON THE INTERNET BECOME MORE FEW?
WE CANNOT LET TERRORISTS HOLD THIS NATION HOSTILE OR HOLD OUR ALLIES HOSTILE.
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING IN TENNESSEE -- I KNOW IT'S IN TEXAS, PROBABLY IN TENNESSEE...THAT SAYS, FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON...SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME...YOU CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN. [9/17/2002]
AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS, I HAVE SET HIGH STANDARDS FOR OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS, AND I HAVE MET THOSE STANDARDS.
OUR NATION MUST COME TOGETHER TO UNITE.
"A LOW VOTER TURNOUT IS AN INDICATION OF FEWER PEOPLE GOING TO THE POLLS."
"I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS IN THE FUTURE."
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
"IF WE DON'T SUCCEED, WE RUN THE RISK OF FAILURE."
"MY BROTHER JEB HAS ASSURED ME THE STATE OF FLORIDA."
"IF YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED OF THE POLITICS OF CYNICISM AND POLLS AND PRINCIPLES, COME AND JOIN THIS CAMPAIGN."
"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST EDUCATED AMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY."
"I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO PUT FOOD ON YOUR FAMILY."
"WHEN I WAS COMING UP, IT WAS A DANGEROUS WORLD, AND YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHO THEY WERE. IT WAS US VS. THEM, AND IT WAS CLEAR WHO THEM WAS. TODAY, WE ARE NOT SO SURE WHO THE THEY ARE, BUT WE KNOW THEY'RE THERE."
AN OPENLY KNOWN HOMOSEXUAL IS SOMEBODY WHO PROBABLY WOULDN'T SHARE MY PHILOSOPHY."
"GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE; GUNS ARE DESIGNED AND MANUFACTURED FOR THE PURPOSE OF ENABLING PEOPLE TO USE THE GUNS TO KILL PEOPLE."
"I THINK WHAT'S GETTING LOST IN THIS WHOLE DEBATE IS THIS: TAKING DRUGS IS WRONG." W'S ANSWER TO WHAT THE PRESIDENT SHOULD DO ABOUT HIGH PRESCRIPTION DRUG PRICES IN THE USA
"I THINK IT'S FINE, AS LONG AS IT'S CHRISTIAN PRAYERS. ANYTHING ELSE IS UN-AMERICAN."
-GEORGE W. BUSH [HIS THOUGHTS ON PRAYING AT SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAMES]
"WE CAN'T LET THIS CHILD COME UNDER THE SWAY OF AN ISOLATIONIST, TYRANNICAL STATE LED BY A SELF-OBSESSED SOCIOPATH. BY ALL MEANS, SEND HIM BACK TO CUBA."
"THEY MISUNDERESTIMATED ME."
"WE'RE ENJOYING SLUGGISH TIMES, AND NOT ENJOYING THEM VERY MUCH."
"I'VE GOT A RECORD, A RECORD THAT IS CONSERVATIVE AND A RECORD THAT IS COMPASSIONATED."
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM."
"MR. VICE PRESIDENT, IN ALL DUE RESPECT, IT IS-I'M NOT SURE 80 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE GET THE DEATH TAX. I KNOW THIS: 100 PERCENT WILL GET IT IF I'M THE PRESIDENT."
"I HAVE OPINIONS OF MY OWN -- STRONG OPINIONS --BUT I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE WITH THEM.
"OUR PRIORITIES IS OUR FAITH."
"KEEP GOOD RELATIONS WITH THE GRECIANS."
HE [BUSH] RECALLED THE LAST TIME HE WAS IN FLORIDA, ON THE MORNING OF SEPT. 11, AND WHAT WENT THROUGH HIS MIND WHEN THE FIRST PLANE HIT NEW YORK'S WORLD TRADE CENTER: "I USED TO FLY MYSELF, AND I SAID, 'WELL, THERE'S ONE TERRIBLE PILOT.'"
--ASSOCIATED PRESS, DEC. 4, 2001
"I DON'T THINK THAT WITCHCRAFT IS A RELIGION. I WISH THE MILITARY WOULD RETHINK THIS DECISION." - TO ABC NEWS, JUNE 1999, REGARDING FT. HOOD'S DECISION TO ALLOW WICCAN RITUALS
"I AM MINDFUL NOT ONLY OF PRESERVING EXECUTIVE POWERS FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR PREDECESSORS AS WELL." - JAN. 29, 2001
"MY PRO-LIFE POSITION IS I BELIEVE THERE'S LIFE. IT'S NOT NECESSARILY BASED IN RELIGION. I THINK THERE'S A LIFE THERE, THEREFORE THE NOTION OF LIFE, LIBERTY AND PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS." - JAN. 23, 2001
"REDEFINING THE ROLE OF THE UNITED STATES FROM ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE TO ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE FROM PEACEKEEPERS IS GOING TO BE AN ASSIGNMENT." - JAN. 14, 2001
"THE CALIFORNIA CRUNCH REALLY IS THE RESULT OF NOT ENOUGH POWER-GENERATING PLANTS AND THEN NOT ENOUGH POWER TO POWER THE POWER OF GENERATING PLANTS." - JAN. 14, 2001
"I HOPE THE AMBITIOUS REALIZE THAT THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED WITH SUCCESS AS OPPOSED TO FAILURE." - JAN. 18, 2001
"SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE ANTHONY GETS A GOOD MEAL-ANTONIO."-ON LAURA BUSH INVITING JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA TO DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE. - JAN. 14, 2001
"I AM MINDFUL OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH. I ASSURED ALL FOUR OF THESE LEADERS THAT I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, AND THAT DIFFERENCE IS THEY PASS THE LAWS AND I EXECUTE THEM." - DEC. 18, 2000
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM." - NOV. 2, 2000
"I MEAN, THERE NEEDS TO BE A WHOLESALE EFFORT AGAINST RACIAL PROFILING, WHICH IS ILLITERATE CHILDREN." - OCT. 11, 2000
"I DO KNOW I'M READY FOR THE JOB. AND, IF NOT, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GOES." - AUG. 21, 2000
"I KNOW THE HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY." - SEP. 29, 2000
"I WILL HAVE A FOREIGN-HANDED FOREIGN POLICY." - SEP. 27, 2000
"I THINK WE OUGHT TO RAISE THE AGE AT WHICH JUVENILES CAN HAVE A GUN."
"FAMILIES IS WHERE OUR NATION FINDS HOPE, WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAM." - OCT. 18, 2000
"THE WOMAN WHO KNEW THAT I HAD DYSLEXIA--I NEVER INTERVIEWED HER." - SEPT. 15, 2000
"WE CANNOT LET TERRIERS AND ROGUE NATIONS HOLD THIS NATION HOSTILE" - SEP. 9, 2000
"IF MOST OF THE BREAKS GO TO WEALTHY PEOPLE IT'S BECAUSE MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO PAY TAXES ARE WEALTHY."
"I DON'T NEED TO BE SUBLIMINABABLE" - SEP. 12, 2000
"FAMILIES IS WHERE OUR NATION FINDS HOPE, WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAM." -GEORGE W. BUSH, IN OCT.. 2000
"I CALL UPON ALL NATIONS TO DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STOP THESE TERRORIST KILLERS. THANK YOU. NOW WATCH THIS DRIVE."
--AUGUST 4, 2002, ON VIOLENCE IN THE MIDDLE EAST... AND HIS GOLF GAME
"I KNOW THAT HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY." --GEORGE W. BUSH, SEPT. 29, 2000
George W Bush's Resume
BUSH SR.
"IT'S NO EXAGGERATION TO SAY THAT THE UNDECIDEDS COULD GO ONE WAY OR ANOTHER."
"IF IGNORANCE GOES TO FORTY DOLLARS A BARREL, I WANT DRILLING RIGHTS TO GEORGE BUSH'S HEAD." -JIM HIGHTOWER, FORMER TEXAS COMMISSIONER OF AGRICULTURE, REFERRING TO THE ELDER BUSH
I'M CONSERVATIVE, BUT I'M NOT A NUT ABOUT IT.
"FOR SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS I'VE WORKED ALONGSIDE PRESIDENT REAGAN. WE'VE HAD TRIUMPHS. MADE SOME MISTAKES. WE'VE HAD SOME SEX...UH...SETBACKS."
-GEORGE H.W. BUSH IN 1988
"WHEN I NEED A LITTLE ADVICE ABOUT SADDAM HUSSEIN, I TURN TO COUNTRY MUSIC." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1991
" "YOU CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF YOU DON'T HAVE FAITH. REMEMBER LINCOLN, GOING TO HIS KNEES IN TIMES OF TRIAL AND THE CIVIL WAR AND ALL THAT STUFF. YOU CAN'T BE. AND WE ARE BLESSED. SO DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR - DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA."
--1/15/92
"HIGH TECH IS POTENT, PRECISE, AND IN THE END, UNBEATABLE. THE TRUTH IS, IT REMINDS A LOT OF PEOPLE OF THE WAY I PITCH HORSESHOES. WOULD YOU BELIEVE SOME OF THE PEOPLE? WOULD YOU BELIEVE OUR DOG? LOOK, I WANT TO GIVE THE HIGH-FIVE SYMBOL TO HIGH TECH." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1989
"IF A FROG HAD WINGS, HE WOULDN'T HIT HIS TAIL ON THE GROUND. TOO HYPOTHETICAL." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1992
"TO KIND OF SUDDENLY TRY TO GET MY HAIR COLORED, AND DANCE UP AND DOWN IN A MINISKIRT OR DO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, SHOW THAT I'VE GOT A LOT OF JAZZ OUT THERE AND DROP A BUNCH OF ONE-LINERS, I'M RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES...I KIND OF THINK I'M A SCINTILLATING KIND OF FELLOW." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1988
"PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO DO THAT"IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT CARIBOU, TAKE A LOOK AT THE ARGUMENTS THAT WERE USED ABOUT THE PIPELINE. THEY'D SAY THE CARIBOU WOULD BE EXTINCT. YOU'VE GOT TO SHAKE THEM AWAY WITH A STICK. THEY'RE ALL MAKING LOVE LYING UP AGAINST THE PIPELINE AND YOU GOT THOUSANDS OF CARIBOU UP THERE." --GEORGE BUSH SR., SPEAKING ABOUT THE ALASKAN PIPELINE, OCT. 31, 1991 WHICH I'VE JUST SAID I'M NOT GOING TO DO, BECAUSE YOU'RE BURNING UP TIME. THE METER IS RUNNING THROUGH THE SAND ON YOU, AND I AM NOW FILIBUSTERING." --GEORGE BUSH SR., APRIL 20, 1989
"FLUENCY IN ENGLISH IS SOMETHING THAT I'M OFTEN NOT ACCUSED OF." --GEORGE BUSH SR., JUNE 6, 1989
"I'VE BEEN TALKING THE SAME WAY FOR YEARS, SO IT CAN'T BE THAT SERIOUS." --GEORGE BUSH SR., AUG. 7, 1988
DAN
"WELCOME TO PRESIDENT BUSH, MRS. BUSH, AND MY FELLOW ASTRONAUTS."
"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST-EDUCATED AMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD." 9/21/88
"WE HAVE A FIRM COMMITMENT TO NATO, WE ARE A 'PART' OF NATO. WE HAVE A FIRM COMMITMENT TO EUROPE. WE ARE A 'PART' OF EUROPE."
"THE HOLOCAUST WAS AN OBSCENE PERIOD IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY. I MEAN IN THIS CENTURY'S HISTORY. BUT WE ALL LIVED IN THIS CENTURY. I DIDN'T LIVE IN THIS CENTURY." 15/9/88
"QUITE FRANKLY, TEACHERS ARE THE ONLY PROFESSION THAT TEACH OUR CHILDREN." 18/9/90
"WE EXPECT THE SALVADOREAN OFFICIALS TO WORK TOWARDS THE EXTREMINATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS."
DAN QUAYLE.
"WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO HAVE LOST ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND AT ALL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." -- SPEAKING TO THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD."
"YOU ALL LOOK LIKE HAPPY CAMPERS TO ME. HAPPY CAMPERS YOU ARE, HAPPY CAMPERS YOU HAVE BEEN, AND, AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, HAPPY CAMPERS YOU WILL ALWAYS BE." -- TO THE AMERICAN SAMOANS
"I BELIEVE WE ARE ON AN IRREVERSIBLE TREND TOWARD MORE FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY - BUT THAT COULD CHANGE."
"IF WE DO NOT SUCCEED, THEN WE RUN THE RISK OF FAILURE." -- QUOTED IN THE PHOENIX REPUBLICAN FORUM, MARCH 1990
"VERBOSITY LEADS TO UNCLEAR, INARTICULATE THINGS."
"I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGEMENTS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGEMENTS IN THE FUTURE."
"I STAND BY ALL THE MISSTATEMENTS THAT I'VE MADE."
"THE OTHER DAY [THE PRESIDENT] SAID, I KNOW YOU'VE HAD SOME ROUGH TIMES, AND I WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL SHOW THE NATION WHAT FAITH THAT I HAVE IN YOU, IN YOUR MATURITY AND SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY. (HE PAUSED, THEN SAID) WOULD YOU LIKE A PUPPY?" -- (LA TIMES 5/21/89)
"MY FRIENDS, NO MATTER HOW ROUGH THE ROAD MAY BE, WE CAN AND WE WILL, NEVER, NEVER SURRENDER TO WHAT IS RIGHT." -- IN A SPEECH TO THE CHRISTIAN COALITION
"I DESERVE RESPECT FOR THE THINGS I DID NOT DO."
"I FEEL THAT THIS [1981] IS MY FIRST YEAR, THAT NEXT YEAR IS AN ELECTION YEAR, THAT THE THIRD YEAR IS THE MID POINT AND THAT THE FOURTH YEAR IS THE LAST CHANCE I'LL HAVE TO MAKE A RECORD SINCE THE LAST TWO YEARS, I'LL BE A CANDIDATE AGAIN. EVERYTHING I DO IN THOSE LAST TWO YEARS WILL BE POSTURING FOR THE ELECTION. BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT."
"THIS PRESIDENT IS GOING TO LEAD US OUT OF THIS RECOVERY." -- AT A CAMPAIGN STOP IN CALIFORNIA AND AND THEN AT CA STATE UNIVERSITY, FRESNO (THE QUAYLE QUARTERLY, SPRING/SUMMER 1992)
"WE ARE READY FOR ANY UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY."
"[THE U.S. VICTORY IN GULF WAR WAS A] STIRRING VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF AGGRESSION."
"THE BEST THING ABOUT RAIN FORESTS IS THEY NEVER SUFFER FROM DROUGHT."
"THE GLOBAL IMPORTANCE OF THE MIDDLE EAST IS THAT IT KEEPS THE NEAR EAST AND THE FAR EAST FROM ENCROACHING ON EACH OTHER."
"OUR PARTY HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF FOOLING THE PUBLIC BY CALLING TAX INCREASES 'REVENUE ENHANCEMENT.' NOT SO. NO ONE WAS FOOLED."
"PEOPLE ARE NOT HOMELESS IF THEY'RE SLEEPING IN THE STREETS OF THEIR OWN HOMETOWNS."
"REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF ABANDONING THE POOR. IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND. THEY NEVER VOTE FOR US."
"BANK FAILURES ARE CAUSED BY DEPOSITORS WHO DON'T DEPOSIT ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER LOSSES DUE TO MISMANAGEMENT."
"AIR TRAVEL EFFICIENCY WOULD IMPROVE IF MORE TRAVELERS STARTED GOING TO LESS POPULAR PLACES."
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA, I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY." 5/9/90
"HAWAII IS A UNIQUE STATE. IT IS A SMALL STATE. IT IS A STATE THAT IS BY ITSELF. IT IS A --IT IS DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER 49 STATES. WELL, ALL STATES ARE DIFFERENT, BUT IT'S GOT A PARTICULARLY UNIQUE SITUATION."
-DAN QUALYE
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
-BOB DOLE
"I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE DEFICIT. IT IS BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF ITSELF." -RONALD REAGAN
"WELL, I LEARNED A LOT....I WENT DOWN TO (LATIN AMERICA) TO FIND OUT FROM THEM AND (LEARN) THEIR VIEWS. YOU'D BE SURPRISED. THEY'RE ALL INDIVIDUAL COUNTRIES" -RONALD
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER.
"I THINK GAY MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN." -ARNOLD
"THE C**K ISN'T A MUSCLE SO IT DOESN'T GROW IN RELATION TO THE SHOULDERS, SAY, OR THE PECTORALS. YOU CAN'T MAKE IT BIGGER THROUGH EXERCISE, THAT'S FOR SURE." -ARNOLD
"THE PUBLIC DOESN'T CARE ABOUT FIGURES." -ARNOLD
"NIXON WAS ALWAYS BEING ATTACKED SEXUALLY. IT WAS ALWAYS SAID THAT HE WAS A FAG AND THAT HE HAD NO SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HIS WIFE FOR 15 YEARS AND THAT WAS WHY HE LIKED POWER. AND HITLER HAD ONLY ONE BALL, AND THAT WAS WHY HE WANTED TO CONQUER THE WORLD." - ARNOLD
DoNkEy ·
>THE FORGOTTEN "R"
>
>
>A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
>other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by
>hand. He
>notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
>from the original manuscript.
>
>So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing
>out
>that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
>never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of
>the
>subsequent copies.
>
>The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
>centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into
>the
>dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts
>are
>held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for
>hundreds
>of years.
>
>Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
>worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head
>against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R"
>His
>forehead is all bloody and bruised and he
>is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's
>wrong, father?"
>
>With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was
>'celebrate'."
>
Oasis ·
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
jenz58 ·
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time to eat.....
Where do you find these things!!!
zac_smits ·
haha jenz that's very good....
zac
amazer ·
HOW TO REFER TO WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG you - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10.She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
11.She is not a TWO BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO REFER TO MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
[Edited on 18-10-2004 by amazer]
zac_smits ·
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
zac_smits ·
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Boozer ·
that last one's really good!:P
zac_smits ·
yeh i was roflmao with that one
theverybigtallman ·
quotes from great f1 commentator murray walker...
"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"
"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"
"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"
"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"
"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"
"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"
"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"
"He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car"
"It's raining and the track is wet"
"And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself."
Murray: "First man out is Marques in the Arrows. Of course he's going out early to generate some media interest"
Martin: "I'm sure he would generate some interest if he went out in the Arrows because Marques drives for Minardi"
"...and now, just in case there is any CONFUSION this is the race order on lap 19: David Coulthard leads and has yet to stop; Hakkinen leads and has yet to stop..."
"You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing"
"Senna 1st, Prost 2nd and Berger 3rd that makes up the top four!"
"... he's on 4 grooved front tyres"
"and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"
"...and he's lost both right front tyres"
"...Cruel luck for Alesi, second on the grid. That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year..."
"...and there's no damage to the car.....except to the car itself."
"..and Damon Hill is following Damon Hill"
"with Alesi in 4th and 5th"
"Schumacher has made his final stop three times!"
"Nigel Mansell had a problem with the wheel-nut on his Williams, then he went on to win brilliantly for Ferrari!"
"And he's done that in a whisker under 10 seconds, call it 9.7 in round figures".
"and thats one of the mechanics using a feeler gauge to measure the depth of tread in the slick."
"I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are unimaginable!"
Murray: "Ferrari won't be developing their car anymore this season"
Brundle: "How do you know that?"
Murray: "I was there when I said it"
"There is nothing wrong with the car except that it is on fire."
"The first four cars are both on the same tyres."
"Except for his car, he's the only man on the track."
"And Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He is in last place."
"The crowd holds its joint breath!"
"Look up there! That's the sky!"
"A sad ending, albeit a happy one, here at Montreal for today's Grand Prix."
"All I can tell you is that David Coulthard keeps on accelerating and closing up to David Coulthard."
"I make no apologies for their absence. I'm sorry they're not here."
"He's here again for the first time."
"And Michael Schumacher, as I expected, is now extending his lead over Michael Schumacher!"
"...in 12th and 13th the two Jaguars of Eddie Irvine."
"This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well."
"His hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now."
Oasis ·
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're
drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
zac_smits ·
hahahaha
zac
KruizinKombi ·
Subject: Best come back line ever
This was apparently in the Washington Post ..the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"."
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, " A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"
zac_smits ·
hahahahahahaa
zac_smits ·
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
amazer ·
John Howard, the Prime Minister, was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the paddock and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
"No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Howard
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the RAAF jet carrying You and Mrs. Howard was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Oasis ·
The pumpkin one reminded me of a joke:
Cinderella wanted to go out to meet prince charming, so her ugly sisters said to her "You can only go if you wear a diaphragm, and you must be home by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin."
She agrees and goes off into the night. The ugly sisters wait up for her. Midnight comes around... then 1am, then 2am....... finally at 2:30am she stumbles through the door.
"Cinderella! Where have you been?!? Are you alright?"
"Yes I'm fine", she replied.
"What happened to the Pumpkin?", asked the sisters.
"Oh, some prince took care of it", she said.
"Really? What was his name?" asked the ugly sisters,
to which Cinderella replied, "Oh, Peter Peter something or other......"
zac_smits ·
niice...
-----------------------------------------------
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument
on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of
me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even
invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor. (JD)
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on
the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking
some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid
to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if
you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have
STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information.
You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting
furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians
are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The
average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base
is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty
level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too.
Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my
bath house."
* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
well, any-who
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.,"
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:
"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua
Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they
do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians,
has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question.
OR
You say Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.
* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do
remind me of Adolf Hitler."
You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on
people who generally carry weapons.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
barls ·
you know its a bad day when this happens
Boozer ·
.
Boozer ·
.
Oasis ·
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000, or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense, and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here - and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance....."
barls ·
the future of petrol prices
zac_smits ·
oasisi - hahahahahaha
zac_smits ·
hahah no this one is classic!!!
"A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road,and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
"
zac_smits ·
okay..
here's a link to download a letter of complaint that was sent to telstra... just got it sent to me by my mum.. quality stuff guys...
--------------------------------------------------
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
> For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
> For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
> For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
> For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth
control!
>
>
>
> 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom
> house about 4 inches deep.
>
> 2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it
with
> roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
>
> 3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
> restaurant.
>
> 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
> strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and
> Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
> to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
>
> 5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using
> the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
> before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
>
> 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit
> by a ceiling fan.
>
> 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's
> already too late.
>
> 8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
>
> 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
> 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
>
> 10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
> 4-year old.
>
> 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
>
> 12. Super glue is forever.
>
> 13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still
> can't walk on water.
>
> 14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
>
> 15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials
show
> they do.
>
> 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
>
> 17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very
> expensive to remove.
>
> 18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
>
> 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
> not like ovens.
>
> 20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20
minutes.
>
> 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
>
>
> 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
>
> 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
>
> 24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amassing thing.
>
> 25. True story: One day the infant school teacher was reading the
> story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of
> the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building
> materials
for
> his home. She read," ..And so the pig went up to the man with the
> wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have
> some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked
> the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy
> raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy xxxxx! A talking
pig!'" The
> teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake
fluid
-------------------------------------------
andrewh ·
zac_smits wrote:> 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake
fluid
-------------------------------------------
Haha, the thought had crossed my mind 🙂
Boozer ·
> 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake
fluid
-------------------------------------------
tried it. didn't work. BUT! mixing 2 parts chlorine and 3 parts antifreeze work much better! cause I just did it.
zac_smits ·
hahahha!
Oasis ·
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Oasis ·
BLONDE GUY gets home early from work and hears strange noises
> coming from the bedroom.
>
> He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating
> and panting.
>
> "What's up?" says BLONDE GUY.
>
> "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
>
> BLONDE GUY rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
> dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says:
>
> "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's
> got no clothes on!"
>
> The BLONDE GUY slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
> bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
> Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on
> the wardrobe floor.
>
> "You rotten bastard," says the BLONDE GUY, "my wife's having a
> heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
zac_smits ·
haha wasn't that one posted a few days ago???
buzzbug ·
.
buzzbug ·
.
buzzbug ·
.
[Edited on 7-11-2004 by buzzbug]
buzzbug ·
.
buzzbug ·
.
buzzbug ·
.
Oasis ·
Having a Bad Day ? Read on.....
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out
section of a forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on
his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but
from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a
fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving
off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking
to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in
the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip
bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby
in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the
crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly
large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the
paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the
Attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the
motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at
the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He
went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his
legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his
trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once
again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.
She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped,
dropping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining
stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view,
a killer whale ate them both.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Still having bad day?
A wife came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
Oasis ·
A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's
Twenty first Birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over
to
the counter.
A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark
shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this
rod and
reel?
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it
on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it
from the
sound
it makes.
"She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite
667
Model
rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb
Berkley
Fireline.
It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week
for only
$199.00.
"She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound
of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not
likely
that
the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.
He may not know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50
please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you
tell me it
was
on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the
duck
caller
is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."
Oasis ·
FAMOUS CHINESE PROVERBS (and all are true)
>
> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> Man who run in front of car get tired
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> Young girl's panties next to best thing on earth.
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Oasis ·
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
>day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife
> replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
>to men...
>
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
>and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me
>to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
>made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!
>
Oasis ·
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
> > told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the
> > man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
> > The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
> >
> > The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some moron
> > out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was
> > finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right
> > behind him, so he added,
> >
> > "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
> >
> > The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
> > manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got
> > yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
> > with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
> > we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
> > The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
> > "You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
> > The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."
> >
> > "My wife is from New Zealand!!"
> >
> > The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
zac_smits ·
mahahahahaha
good laughs for ma sunday night!!
thanks guys!
KruizinKombi ·
FLAT STOMACH
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.
Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." say's the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
KruizinKombi ·
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said....
zac_smits ·
hahahaha
KruizinKombi ·
THE LOTTO TICKET!
One night the wife comes home form work with a spectacular
diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there was barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"
zac_smits ·
hahaha i love this stuff!!!
(and yes i have nothing better to do at 12.18am on a monday
theverybigtallman ·
about the bleach and brake fluid - mix 25 parts fertiliser to 1 part diesel and 1 detonator - hehehe...
buzzbug ·
once you mix that, run like the clappers
Boozer ·
Yeah ANFO. it's well known. Works well too.:thumb
theverybigtallman ·
and cheap as chips
Oasis ·
Nudist Colony
> > >>>>
> > >>>> An older man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first
day
> > >>>> there he took off his clothes and wandered around. A gorgeous
petite
> > >>>> blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and said,
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "Did you call for me?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The man replied
> > >>>> "No; what do you mean?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>> She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
> > >>>> that if
> > >>>> you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led
> > >>>> him to
> > >>>> the
> > >>>> side of the swimming pool, lay down on a towel, eagerly pulled him
> > >>>> to her
> > >>>> and happily let him have his way with her.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Afterwards, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
> > >>>> He entered
> > >>>> the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within minutes a huge
> > >>>> hairy man
> > >>>> lumbered out of the steam room toward him and asked
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "Did you call for me?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "No; what do you mean?" said the newcomer.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you
> > >>>> fart, it
> > >>>> implies that
> > >>>> you called for me." The huge man then spun him around, bent him
> > >>>> over a bench
> > >>>> and had his way with him.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was
> > >>>> greeted
> > >>>> by the smiling naked receptionist,
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "May I help you?" she said."
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The man said, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
> > >>>> and you
> > >>>> can keep the $500 membership fee."
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "But sir," she replied, "you've only been here for a few hours.
> > >>>> You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities yet.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The man replied, "Listen Miss, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
> > >>>> erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day - I'm out of
here!"
theverybigtallman ·
two blokes are camping in africa. one bloke goes to do a crap in the bush. soon he is running back, screaming his head off. the other bloke goes 'what happened?'
the man says 'there's an elephant in the bush and he raped me.'
the second bloke has a look and says 'nope, sorry mate, elephants don't have dicks that big, they only have tiny little things. it wasn't an elephant'
the first bloke says.....
......
......
'yeah but he fingered me first.'
buzzbug ·
a woman goes running into a police station yelling "I've been graped, I've been graped"
The young constable says "don't you mean raped?"
the woman replies "No there was a bunch of them!"
Pete_McC ·
Did you hear Eminem has collaborated with Cockney singing duo Chas 'n' Dave for his next single?
It's called: "Knees up, Mother F***ker"
kombikim ·
President Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her: "How do you run an efficient government? Any tips you can give me?"
And the Queen says: "Well, the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns, and replies: "Well, how do I know the people around me are really intelligent or not?"
The Queen takes a little sip of tea, and says: "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them a riddle". Then the Queen pushes the button on her intercom and says: "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
So Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiles at Tony and says: "Tony, answer me this, would you? Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother, and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
Without hesitating, Tony Blair says: "Well, that would be me."
The Queen smiles and says: "Very good, thank you!"
So, back at the White House, Bush is a bit puzzled. So, he asks to speak with Donald Rumsfeld: "Hey Don, answer this for me, would ya? Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister... who is it?
Donald Rumsfeld frowns and says: "Gee, I'm not sure... let me get back to you." So, Donald Rumsfeld goes to all advisors, and asks everyone he can, but no one can answer it for him.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room, and he recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. So Don shouts over to him: "Hey Colin... can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not you sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powel flushes, and yells back: "Hey, that's easy... it's me!"
Donald Rumsfeld smiles and yells: "Thanks!"
So, Donald Rumsfeld goes back into the Oval Office and tells Bush: "Hey, I finally figured out the answer to that riddle! It's Colin Powell!"
Bush gets up, and angrily stomps over to Donald Rumsfeld. Bush yells right in Don's face: "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!
zac_smits ·
Did you ever realize that deer = time and money. This came to me through two of my friends. The first and more obvious is that of the hunter. This person spends hundreds on equipment and then hours in the woods waiting for the deer to come and be slaughter. Once a deer is destroyed it must be preserved and such, all costing money and taking large amounts of people's time. The second reason is that another friend parked his car. A deer then proceeded to walk up to his car and along the hood, damaging the front of the car. The repairs took a week of his car time and a decent amount of money. Therefore deer = time and money.
Now then since it has already been established that girls = time and money it can then be assumed that girls = deer. With this in mind we go back to the first example for deer and realize that deer also = hunted. Thus we can reach the conclusion that girls = hunted. Then, with the final leap of reasoning we realize that deer are overpopulated and need there numbers reduced so it is obvious to me that we should take out every other girl and shoot them, skin them, and mount there heads as trophys.
Oasis ·
zac_smits wrote:Did you ever realize that deer = time and money. This came to me through two of my friends. The first and more obvious is that of the hunter. This person spends hundreds on equipment and then hours in the woods waiting for the deer to come and be slaughter. Once a deer is destroyed it must be preserved and such, all costing money and taking large amounts of people's time. The second reason is that another friend parked his car. A deer then proceeded to walk up to his car and along the hood, damaging the front of the car. The repairs took a week of his car time and a decent amount of money. Therefore deer = time and money.
Now then since it has already been established that girls = time and money it can then be assumed that girls = deer. With this in mind we go back to the first example for deer and realize that deer also = hunted. Thus we can reach the conclusion that girls = hunted. Then, with the final leap of reasoning we realize that deer are overpopulated and need there numbers reduced so it is obvious to me that we should take out every other girl and shoot them, skin them, and mount there heads as trophys.
At last, some sensible logic...😀
Oasis ·
Do you know who the most popular guy in the nudist colony is? It's the one that can carry 2 cups of tea and 6 donuts in one go...
buzzbug ·
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
buzzbug ·
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell,
"You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He said, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought tomyself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 867-5309 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro is parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
buzzbug ·
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do
here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "we take off all our clothes off and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read,
"Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the samething"
Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque
set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque
and it said,
" Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
buzzbug ·
Confession
Sins
Bless me Father, for I have
sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy
Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast
lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend
church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides
over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
buzzbug ·
Lost in the forest.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
zac_smits ·
hahahahaha nice guys!
zac_smits ·
okay..here's my contribution...
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
zac_smits ·
okay one more...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch!"
amazer ·
buzzbug ·
you could probably market that amazer!
there has to be someone out there stupid enough.
Da Wiz ·
I would buy one for my folks ... they would probably try and use it to 😀
...GOLD!
Oasis ·
Cow Tail
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember.
KruizinKombi ·
This one needs a picture!
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart, made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?" "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist".
amazer ·
Boobs vs. Penises
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't .... there are all kinds of breasts... depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree in January."
"A Christmas tree, Mum?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration"
Oasis ·
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
zac_smits ·
1. The bigger the hat , the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a good bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
14. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
15. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
16. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
17. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
18. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
19. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
20. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the Motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
21. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
22. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test: a) Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB (Beer) while watching the cricket. b) If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as an Aussie.
zac_smits ·
Algebra for Everyday Life
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that:
1.The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2.The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
zac_smits ·
Shrewd Investment
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
zac_smits ·
New Improved Lawnmowers
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
[Edited on 5-12-2004 by zac_smits]
Oasis ·
A letter from the British Home Office to the people of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end
your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "inte rspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When
you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is underst andable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Stanley ·
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Oasis ·
Q: How do you make a duck play soul music?
A: Put him in the oven till his Bill Withers.
barls ·
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag
9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
amazer ·
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time...so you don't have to
Hang in there, retirement is only twenty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, and Avoid Disappointment.
zac_smits ·
mahaha
amazer ·
good for getting into tight spaces, such as spark plugs behind your IDA manifolds, etc
zac_smits ·
heh..i look at that site as well..some damn funny pics on there 😉
amazer ·
i dont look at the pictures... I just read the articles :blush
zac_smits ·
articles???
what articles??? 😉
zac_smits ·
WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
HE. " Can I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
zac_smits ·
My Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
Joke 4:
Restroom Poetry
The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms
(fill in the blanks using your imagination):
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to ****
But I'm out of paper
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And **** my pants!
Some people come here to take a ****,
I came here to leave one.
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to **** and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bull**** on the walls...
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to **** out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you.
(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
(Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine)
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
Oasis ·
An elderly man in Auckland calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to
> > ruin your day, but I have to tell you that you mother and I are
> > divorcing, forty five years of misery is enough."
> >
> > "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
> >
> > "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
> > "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
> > call your sister in Brisbane and tell her" and he hangs up.
> >
> > Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
> > heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
> >
> > She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
> > getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
> > calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
> > don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
> >
> > The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife, "OK he says,
> > they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
Oasis ·
Dear Friends.
>
>I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
>this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some
>goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.
>
>I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
>but we had a little problem.
>
>The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling
>with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the
>8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for
>doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying,
>4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in
>a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
>
>On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
>reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and
>some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for
>the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit
>together and bring you the things you want.
>
>This year I suggest you get your asses down to K-Mart before
>everything is gone.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Santa Claus
[Edited on 11-12-2004 by Oasis]
zac_smits ·
hahaha nice
zac_smits ·
Yes I am an Aussie!
Here's a little Christmas cheer for all from the Australian Bureau of Statistics
*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.
*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
and finally:
*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing
out) while throwing up into the toilet.
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my
hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had
used a firewall, and once it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
jenz58 ·
lol that a good one 😀
..... so it was a cyber conception .....not an immaculate conception....What does that make the son....the son of Bill Gates? :jesus
Oasis ·
His Dad might have been a Unix......
jenz58 ·
hahaha dat even better!!
zac_smits ·
^^
geeks :P
zac_smits ·
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
zac_smits ·
The Firefighter
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Stanley ·
Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk.
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent to me ."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Heck! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk........
Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."
Oasis ·
>
> On a poster at Kencom:
> ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
>
> One of the Mathare buildings:
> MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
>
> A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
> DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
>
> Sign in Japanese public bath:
> FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
>
> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
> GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
> BED.
>
> Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
> THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
> THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
>
> Hotel elevator, Paris:
> PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
>
> Hotel, Yugoslavia:
> THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
> CHAMBERMAID.
>
> Hotel, Japan:
> YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
>
> Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
> NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS
> OF ASCENSION.
>
> In an East African newspaper:
> A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
> THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
>
> Sign in men's toilet room in Japan:
> TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
>
> Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
> WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
> MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
> TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
>
> Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
> COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
> PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
>
> Cocktail lounge, Norway:
> LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
>
> At a Budapest zoo:
> PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
> TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
>
> Doctors office, Rome:
> SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>
> Hotel, Acapulco:
> THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
>
> In a Nairobi restaurant:
> CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
>
> On an Athi River highway:
> TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
>
> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
> OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
>
> In a Tokyo bar:
> SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
>
> In a Bangkok temple:
> IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
>
> Hotel, Vienna:
> IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
>
> A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
> IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
> OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
> TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
>
> Hotel, Zurich:
> BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
> IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
> PURPOSE.
>
> An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
> TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
>
> A laundry in Rome:
> LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
> TIME.
>
> The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
> GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
>
> Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
> WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
>
> On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
> IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT
>
Oasis ·
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she
might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the
house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's
dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced ! by
all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to
her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
zac_smits ·
hahahah
^^typical blonde!!
penguin ·
For Christmas little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said; 'Son, we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother has just lost her job.
There is just no way we can afford it'.
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. He asked, 'Son, where are you going?’
Little Patrick told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.’
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself over Christmas with an $80,000 mortgage to pay and no f***ing bike or job.'
theverybigtallman ·
hehe penguin very good
amazer ·
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed
2. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.
4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Dang, I'm good at telling lies!
8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life
9. I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
10. My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
11. My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
amazer ·
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The biscuits I'd nibbled, the champagne I'd taste.
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese.
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt.
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend all Summer disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a biscuit-not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot scones, or cake, or fruit pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to laugh, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
amazer ·
AUSSIE LOVE POEM
OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
YOUR A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
AND WHEN I SAY UR GORGEOUS
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD
SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
I DON'T MIND A BIT OF FLAB
IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY
THERE'S SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB
SO YOUR BELLY ISN'T FLAT NO MORE
I TELL YA, I DON'T CARE
SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA
I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE
NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE
HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS
THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY
BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST
IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW
I NEVER TELL YA LIES
I THINK ITS VERY SEXY
THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS
I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE
NOW THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD
AS I WAS EVER GONNA GET
NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE
ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR
NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTY'S ON
AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER!
amazer ·
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers. "Harro," says the jappy chappy.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet," replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I tol you" says the Japanese man.
"Mate," says the dustman, "you're misunderstanding me. Where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK, OK!" says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank."
Hbbear ·
A stranger was seated next to Tommy on the plane.
The stranger turned to the boy and said,"Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass
.. the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
amazer ·
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
18. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we've tipped 10 per cent.
22. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
23. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
24. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
25. A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
26. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
27. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
28. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
29. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
30. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
31. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
32. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
Hbbear ·
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
amazer ·
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday.
We sleep in separate beds - hers in Sydney, mine in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread-maker. When she said that she had too
many gadgets but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.
Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right - I just didn't know that her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months - I don't like to interrupt her.
The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".
In the beginning,- God created the earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Oasis ·
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" "Yes, I served two
>tours in
Vietnam." "Good, that counts in your favour.
Do you have any service-related disabilities?" "I am 100% disabled.
A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled, it
doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4.
Come on in about 10,and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around
and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."
Oasis ·
I'm part French but I still thought this was funny...
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
> behind me."
> --- General George S. Patton
>
>
> "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
> accordion."
> --Norman Schwartzkopf
>
>
> "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
> ---- Marge Simpson
>
>
> "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
> ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
> "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
> ---Rush Limbaugh,
>
>
> "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
> sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
> --- Regis Philbin
>
>
> "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
> 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
> face for it."
> ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
>
>
> "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates
> America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
> "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't
> help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the
> Germans out of France!"
> --Jay Leno
>
>
> "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris
> under a German flag."
> --David Letterman
>
>
> How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
> One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
>
>
> Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
>
Oasis ·
puns (I'm not sure if I posted this earlier...)
> > .1. Two vultures board an airplane; each carries two dead raccoons. The
> > stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
> > carrion allowed per passenger."
> > >
> > 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
> > became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
> > never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the
> > lesser of two weevils."
> > >
> > 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but, when they lit a fire
> in
> > the craft, it sank, proving once again that: you can't have your kayak
and
> > heat it, too.
> > >
> > 4. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up
to
> > the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> > >
> > 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root
> > canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
> > >
> > 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in
> > the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
> hour,
> > the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?"
> > one asked, as they moved off.
> > "Because," the manager replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
> > open foyer."
> > >
> > 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain;
> > they name him "Juan."
> > Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
> > receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had
> a
> > picture of Ahmal.
> > Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
> > Ahmal."
> > >
> > 8. A group of friars were behind on their grocery payments, so they
opened
> > up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
> flowers
> > from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
> was
> > unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
> > He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
> rival
> > florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town
> to
> > "persuade" them to close.
> > Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
> they
> > didn't close up shop.
> > Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can
> > prevent florist friars.
> > >
> > 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
> > produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
> little,
> > which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
> > breath. This made him ... what?
> > A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
> > >
> > 10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to
> friends,
> > with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
amazer ·
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
amazer ·
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
“Sweetheart, work with me on it this time,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”
Oasis ·
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted
Oasis ·
The pickle packing factory.
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would never have peace of mind.
Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early. His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job.
Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. Looking up she said, "Yossel, I don't understand. What happened with the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."
Oasis ·
There are three types of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.
Oasis ·
Definitions of a nation entwine myth and reality. But what if there is more than one meaning to the words or phrases we use to define ourselves? Warwick McFadyen offers some alternative meanings for the experience of being Australian.
ABORIGINES: the first home owners. Their life expectancy is 20 years less than that of other Australians. Few non-Aborigines would see this at first-hand, however, because few have anything to do with them. Their life and culture is a mystery to most, which is why at first they were killed with bullets and strong beliefs and now are the subject of praise in art galleries and of pusillanimity in relating to them as equals.
ABC: the national broadcaster, continually boxed around the ears by the hand that feeds it.
ADELAIDE: as befits the city of churches, it is still aspiring.
ALLIES: a group, most commonly of countries and businessmen, in which the common denominator of all is the vested interest of each.
ANZAC: one leg of the tripod - the others being "mateship" and "fair go" - on which the national camera sits and takes snapshots of the country's soul. Is dragged out more and more frequently to be used for advertising shots.
APOLOGY: Once simple in meaning (to wit, "I'm sorry such and such occurred"), it now has taken on more shades of meaning than a rainbow caught in a shredding machine.
ARTS: a minor sport played by both elite and amateur athletes, most of whom are unknown to the public.
ASSIMILATION: a three-stage process: 1. absorption; 2. conversion; 3. resemblance. Most often referred to in an ethnic sense and generally thought to be a good thing except when race riots occur. Then it's a bad thing and, looking back, should never have been attempted.
AUSTRALIAN NATIVES: plants, animals and humans indigenous to this continent, the survival of many of them being threatened.
AUSTRALIAN RULES: a game played among various tribes, the aim being for one tribe to kick a ball through tall sticks more times than the other tribe.
BACK OF BEYOND: a mythical region out of reach of city dwellers. From this great nothingness long shadows are cast to the coastline.
BASTARD: a term of endearment, a term of rage, a term of disgust. To a lesser extent, a term of illegitimacy.
BATTLER: the perfect specimen of Australiana. Displays attributes admired but not envied, such as poverty, working-class background and the tendency to go up against circumstances beyond his or her control.
BEACH: the yellow ribbon that wraps the nation in an ill-founded sense of equality
BILL OF RIGHTS: unnecessary for the citizenry who, because they enjoy unrivalled sunshine, surf and sport, are deemed already to have the good life.
BONDI: Australia seen from space.
BRADMAN: Sir Donald. A Test batsman who fell 0.06 short of perfection.
BRISBANE: the country town that grew up to become Brisbane.
BRONZED AUSSIE: the ideal man or woman, until skin cancer kicks in.
CANBERRA: the national capital, home to politicians and media. Once was a sheep paddock. Still is.
CELEBRITY: the hollow vessel on the sea of mediocrity. Andy Warhol was wrong about how long each vessel would stay float: 15 minutes now seems like an eternity.
COMMONWEALTH: a $100 concept for a $10 reality, which owes its existence to the common link of fealty to a distant monarch. A rare example of a non-sequitur contained within one word.
CONSTITUTION: a document unknown to most Australians.
CONVICT: the first settler who, transported for stealing a sheep, helped to build a nation that lived off its back. The convict strain, once denied, is now celebrated.
CRICKET: a game between two tribes, in which one tries to hit three sticks with a ball while the other tribe tries to hit the ball away from said sticks with another stick.
CRINGE: the crumpled cardigan at the bottom of the cupboard.
CULTURE: the cupboard, the inside of which is perceived differently by whoever opens its doors. Australia has many cultures: there's the footy cupboard, the beach cupboard, the low cupboard and the high cupboard.
DARWIN: too far away to matter (see also Perth). A feeling reciprocated by its residents towards the rest of the country.
DESERT: three-quarters of the continent. Sometimes invoked as a metaphor for the state of public debate.
DIGGER: once a man, now a myth.
DINbGO: a dog, nothing more nor less.
DROVER'S DOG: the real leader of a mob of sheep.
DOWN UNDER: a more accurate definition of the perception of Australia from abroad than most imagine.
ELECTIONS: the process by which the great unwashed are promised a bar of soap every three years if they will vote for the giver of said soap. Characterised in Australia by battles between the party of purity and the party of cleanliness.
ELITE: this being an egalitarian society there are, of course, none known by this term, except for the sports elite, the cultural elite and the class elite. The members of these groups can be identified by their ability to cross-pollinate with each other.
EUREKA: the place where the Southern Cross fell to earth.
FAIR GO: a pillar of granite in the coruscating air of Australian speech. A fair go is the ultimate Australian ideal. At least that's the belief. In reality the fair go works on a sliding scale - the more you have, the fairer the go you will get.
FIRST FLEET: eleven ships, 780 thieves, a couple of hundred sailors and marines. Its arrival at Sydney Cove is sometimes described as the founding of a nation, but see also "Gallipoli".
FLAG: as symbols go, it's unsurpassable. Australians have fought for their flag, marched under it, competed for it, performed for it, even sacrificed themselves for it. And that's just the one with the gloved kangaroo on it.
FOREIGN AID: a reflex action when the hammer of a natural disaster in the Third World hits the reposing knee of the First World.
GALLIPOLI: once a region of geography, now a region of iconography. Referred to as the birthplace of the nation for the way in which our soldiers faced death.
GIRT: quite possibly the stupidest word to appear in any country's national anthem. It doesn't roll off the tongue and doesn't inspire emotion. It clunks. It also is possibly the only word in the world that, while sung countless times, is never spoken.
GOVERNOR-GENERAL: neither a governor nor a general, the G-G is the old school tie that binds the country to its colonial past. Worn around the neck of the body politic.
HERO: falls into several categories: Sports hero - who, by playing in a chosen field, wins!
National hero - who, by actions in any field, wins!
Tragic hero - who by actions in any field, loses in an approved way.
Child hero - who by actions in any field wins or loses, in an approved way.
HOBART: last Australian city before the South Pole.
HOME: every man and woman's castle, also known as the Great Australian Dream. It is not to be confused with the Great American Dream, which is to become rich and famous beyond one's wildest dreams. The dream home is both a real estate agent's cliche and a state of mind.
ICON: anything that has lasted longer than 30 days in the public eye. After such time it then qualifies for the status of legend. An icon may be flesh or stone, but the bloodless variety will never know how much we love it.
IDEAL: the space between two actions or two thoughts. It can be left open or filled. There are several categories.
Political ideal: The easiest one to throw away. A political ideal is best served to the public in small doses, the better to be absorbed into the system.
Social ideal: The heartbreaker. Based on the premise that all people care about their fellow human beings. Often sinks under the weight of its own expectations.
Ethical ideal: In its purest form, the holy grail of human behaviour. Rarely sighted. However, in condensed forms it may survive mixed with a twist of forlorn pragmatism.
Universal ideal: Extinct.
IDOL: if only everyone could be one.
INTEREST RATES: the most-watched thermometer in the nation. Once in the realm of science fiction as a form of crowd control, it has become, like numerous sci-fi visions, a reality. Higher rates are considered a threat to our entire way of life, and that being so, the thermometer is rightly regarded as the measure of all things.
JACKAROO: the shortened form of an exclamation from one farmhand to another as in "Strewth Jack, a roo just jumped into the sheep dip." The initial observation has transmogrified into a description of anyone who worked with animals west of the Great Divide.
KANGAROO: hopping epitome of the nation. With the emu, props up the national coat of arms. Boxer, friend, pest and dinner.
KELLY, NED: the giant of our sleep, the great symbol of us against them, the outsider who lives within us. The armoured man we hanged then worshipped.
LABOUR: the part of life's equation that, if you are on the lower rungs of the ladder, neither adds up to fairness nor equals just rewards.
LABOR PARTY: a garment in search of a brand.
LACONIC: the ability to give an air of deep thought by saying nothing.
LAND RIGHTS: principle of land ownership that changes meaning according to who is invoking it.
LEFT-WING: that side of the playing field on which the bones of utopians lie scattered. Rapidly becoming archaic in meaning, although it is still used as a term of disgust in certain quarters, without having to be qualified.
LIBERAL: with a small "l" is a pejorative term to describe those who are ignorant of the world of commerce and place too much hope in the ideas of dead philosophers.
LIBERAL PARTY: a grouping of men and women who believe in sitting at the right hand of God and mammon.
LITERATURE: a minority sport. A few world-class players occasionally elevate the game in the public's eyes before it recedes again to club fixtures.
LOSING: we don't like it, but when it happens it happens heroically, especially in international arenas.
LUCKY COUNTRY: the coin that broke the bank. Lands differently for each person who tosses it.
MATE: the redemption principle at work: that is, if only we were all mates the sins of the world could be forgiven.
MATESHIP: the second leg of the tripod (see Anzac); the relationship between two or more people in which the good of one is the good of all.
MELBOURNE: the world's most liveable city, inhabited by the world's most enthusiastic and magnanimous sports fans, and by the world's greatest lovers of culture. Lives by a bay.
MELBOURNE CUP: the horse race that stops a nation, seriously.
MULTICULTURALISM: the theory that one street may contain 20 different nationalities, all calling each other mate.
NATIONAL ANTHEM: its paucity in embracing the spirit of the people is matched by its melodic shortcomings. A cow has more song in its moo.
OPERA: another minority sport. Dresses beyond its means.
OUTBACK: the eternal horizon, the unknown arc of the mind, the shimmering heat haze, the necklace of stars. All the city is not.
PARLIAMENT: the beer hall of democracy, in which the biggest drinkers are those most intoxicated by power.
PERTH: Inhabitants see the rest of Australia as a distant blur called the Eastern States.
PHAR LAP: an adopted son who became the country's greatest hero. Struck down in his prime.
POETRY: yet another minority sport, never to be shown on television and never to be known by anything but "I love a sunburnt country" and something about a man from Snowy River.
POVERTY: there are three types: intellectual, moral and bread and butter. In each case marked by going to the cupboard and finding it bare.
PROMISE: once a measure of integrity, a promise is now divided politically into core and non-core, presumably to mask the contempt for the people expressed in bare-faced lies.
QUARTER-ACRE: once the geographical marker to the Great Australian Dream. Now subdivided into smaller allotments without gardens.
RECONCILIATION: the shining star in the night sky that everyone can see but few realise has already died, even though its light still travels to us.
REFUGEE: member of a criminal class, always guilty until proven innocent. Not one of us.
RELIGION: otherwise known as sport and gambling. Australia is the only country to have taken secularity to a higher plane.
REPUBLIC: the pair of shoes many admire but none can be bothered wearing.
RIGHT-WING: the unerring belief that all things were sculpted from the same rock, and hence should have the same face - the eyes of my God, the complexion from my sun, the tongue from my culture.
SPORT: life and death, love and hate, the major league of human endeavour and reward.
STOLEN GENERATION: stern morality's theft of childhood.
SUBURBIA: a forest of brick and tile, under which spreading canopy the creatures of the forest hunt and play.
SYDNEY: the opposite of Melbourne. Lives by the sea.
SWAGMAN: decamped a long time ago, which is probably just as well for jolly he would not be now.
TERRA AUSTRALIS: the very old Australia and the very new Australia.
TERRA NULLIUS: the doctrine of an occupying force for whom the occupied equalled zero. And, as every school child knows, nothing times anything still equals nothing.
TREATIES: we don't like them unless they deliver trade benefits or a big brother's protection.
TWO-UP: alleged national past-time actually practised once a year, for old times' sake.
UNDERDOG: everyone's favourite, minted from the same material as battler.
ULURU: a very large attempt at reconciliation.
VANQUISHED: (see Aborigines)
WALTZING MATILDA: the national anthem you have when you're not having a national anthem. Loved as the Australian symbol of all that is scallywaggish in the national spirit.
WHITE AUSTRALIA: the policy of racist exclusion we had when we were young. We're older now.
WORLD STAGE: the podium on which we might perform one day, when we're a little bigger.
XENOPHOBIA: we don't have any phobias.
YARRALUMLA: a rest home for tired beliefs and principles.
ZAC: the little coin that didn't stand a chance.
Oasis ·
A FIFTY-SOMETHING WOMAN WAS AT HOME HAPPILY JUMPING ON HER BED AND
SQUEALING WITH DELIGHT.
HER HUSBAND WATCHES HER FOR A WHILE AND ASKS, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW
RIDICULOUS YOU LOOK? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
THE WOMAN CONTINUES TO BOUNCE ON THE BED AND SAYS, "I DON'T CARE. JUST
CAME
FROM HAVING A MAMMOGRAM AND THE DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE THE BREASTS OF AN 18
YEAR-OLD."
THE HUSBAND SAID, "WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT YOUR 56 YEAR OLD ARSE?"
YOUR NAME NEVER CAME UP," SHE REPLIED.
Oasis ·
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
l
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.
Oasis ·
Subject: life sux
>
>
> "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
>
> I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get
> at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life
> cycle is all backwards.
>
> You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old
> age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, go collect all your
> super.
>
> Then when you start work you get a gold watch on your first day.
> You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
> retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High
> School.
>
> You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
> responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
> you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating,
> spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!"
>
Oasis ·
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:
1) The woman goes to the shops.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the
situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!
Oasis ·
The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
-------------------------------------------------------
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/s he must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year .
Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)
zac_smits ·
that's classic...
hahaha, imagine the old bag sticking it up them...
HotRodMatt ·
100 Lies from the Movies
* All things explode when they crash.
* When the whole group is in danger, the best thing to do is split up.
* Opening and closing the shaving cupboard makes a killer appear behind you.
* Judges are black.
* When two people on a first date start a sentence at the same time, they then start apologising at the same time, then crack up laughing.
* News reports about murder cases always mention the name of the cop heading the investigation, along with details of his/her last big arrest.
* You can find anything or anyone on the Internet.
* All cars are always unlocked.
* People always turn off the television immediately the news item that concerns them is finished.
* Before you die, your murderer would like to tell you a story.
* Husbands don’t immediately understand what their wives mean when they say, “I’m pregnant”.
* It is still possible to win a fight after being repeatedly punched and kicked in the head for several minutes.
* The President of the United States’ surname is President.
* Loudmouths always die first.
* Prostitutes have hearts of gold.
* Jails are full of wise old owls.
* If you and some girl share a mutual disrespect, look out – one day you’ll wake up in each other’s bodies!
* Heroes say something poignant before they die.
* Villains just scream their tits off.
* All drug dealers have ponytails.
* You can jump through a plate-glass window without getting a scratch.
* When you hear a suspicious noise in the house, the best thing to do is shout out the name of the person you hope that it is.
* If there is no answer, shout out the name again, adding: “…is that you?”
* Binoculars frame things in black figure-eight.
* Press photographers get the best shots by huddling together, holding their cameras high above their heads and snapping wildly.
* Serial killers are geniuses.
* All gay guys are great blokes.
* Evil bastards have an endless supply of employees willing to be shot dead for nothing.
* All men and women who initially hate each other end up falling in love.
* Every nightclub features at least one punter wearing a leather cap.
* Female murderers were all abused as children.
* Airplanes only crash behind clusters of trees.
* The third message on your answering machine is always the important one.
* A killer will always keep newspaper clippings of his crimes taped to his bedroom wall.
* Helicopter pilots are always corruptible.
* Kids arrive at the breakfast table just as Dad’s leaving for work.
* All shopping bags contain a breadstick.
* If you’re being chased and choose to hide somewhere, your pursuer will always pause very near to your hiding place, look one way, then another, then keep running.
* A soldier will die shortly after showing fellow soldiers a photograph of his sweetheart.
* When you run out of bullets, you might as well throw the gun away.
* If you’re a cop, rest assured you’ll be assigned a partner with whom you are completely incompatible.
* Ten-year-old kids are the best computer hackers.
* The first symptom of radiation poisoning is mutation into a creature.
* When wimps drink whisky, they cough, look at the glass and gasp: “What is this stuff?!”
* The late appearance of a sweetheart in the crowd of any sporting event will always inspire the hero towards an unbelievable comeback.
* Meteors make an evil rumbling noise when travelling through space.
* If a man and woman are being chased, the woman will fall over and be unable to continue unless the man picks her up and leads her by the upper arm, whereupon they will return to an adequate speed.
* American Indians never laughed.
* Unless Kevin Costner was somehow making a dickhead of himself.
* The guy who owns the fruit cart will always wave madly at a runaway car, leaping out of the road just in time before it totals his cart.
* Women always stand with their backs towards men during an argument.
* The school bimbo chews bubble gum.
* Bombs are best disarmed a few seconds before detonation.
* The best way to ensure a detective solves the case is to suspend him.
* Aircraft on the take-off runway often find it difficult to outrun a chasing car.
* Bartenders don’t need to know what sort of beer you want.
* During swordfights, it is a good idea to jump up on a table behind you, or back your way up a staircase.
* All toilets have a window leading out onto the street, for purposes of escape.
* When attempting to break down a door, don’t be discouraged when the first and second shoulder-charges fail to deliver results, because the third surely will.
* There will be no jokes in the future.
* When searching for a someone in a factory or warehouse, it is a good idea to creep backwards slowly with your gun drawn.
* When a thoroughly evil thug has a pretty woman tied up on a bed in her underwear, he will be content to run the nub of his gun along her cheek.
* If caught near an explosion, simply outrun or out-dive the cloud of smoke and flame and you’ll be fine.
* The best way to get over a hangover is to stagger around holding an ice pack to your head.
* It is a good idea to leave the bad guy’s gun a few inches from his hand after you’ve ‘finally killed’ him.
* If something’s “not bad”, it’s also “not bad at all”.
* When crossing a swinging suspension bridge of wood and rope, the rotting plank will only break when the girl steps on it.
* If you need to make a call but don’t know the number, just pick up the phone – “operator” is standing by waiting or your instructions.
* If the phone goes dead during the call, hammer the receiver up and down with your finger several times then say, “Operator?”
* Then hammer again several more times and say, more emphatically this time, “Operator!”
* Then hang up.
* Struggling artists, students and single mums all have great apartments in New York.
* Alcoholics, washed-up cops and divorced men have shitty ones.
* Kids don’t get smacked.
* Mum makes breakfast for everyone, even though nobody ever has time for more than a bite of toast or a gulp of coffee.
* If the bad guy knocks your sword out of your hand, don’t worry – he’ll just smile while holding the tip of his sword at your throat, giving you time to think of something.
* If you’re running to an elevator and the doors close, press your body up against them and bang with the palms of your hands.
* When on foot and being pursued by a bad guy in a car, stay running in the middle of the road.
* Underage drinkers are the targets of choice for deranged killers.
* No cars in the 20s, 30s or 40s carried any signs of damage whatsoever.
* When someone is sacked or resigns from a job, they always leave their desk carrying an enormous cardboard box full of crap.
* The disturbed wife or mother of a murdered person is always welcome to walk into the detective’s office with a new theory, even when the case has been closed for years.
* If there is a nun on your flight, cancel your ticket and get the next one.
* A cup of coffee will sober you up in seconds.
* It was all a dream.
* After keeping his cool so well that nobody even suspected he was the killer, the killer will suddenly become a wide-eyed madman with a maniacal grin the moment the hero stumbles upon the truth.
* Putting on a doctor’s coat in a hospital is a good way to go unnoticed.
* The best way to get sex off a prostitute or stripper who isn’t interested is to let her know what a cheap slut you think she is.
* There is always a parking space directly outside the place where you want to go.
* If you’re involved in a car chase, watch out or the two workmen carrying a big sheet of glass.
* The first time you have sex with her you will both have simultaneous orgasms.
* When shooting at someone impervious to bullets – superman, robots, etc – pull a confused face and look down at your gun as if there is something wrong with it.
* Girls always fight by pulling hair, falling to the ground and rolling over twice.
* The show on TV is a black-and-white western.
* A soldier who comments on what a nice little town it is, adding “Too bad there’s a war going on”, will announce his intention to return one day and be shot by a sniper shortly afterwards.
* Schoolteachers are always interrupted mid-sentence by the bell.
* A divorced man has a basketball hoop in the middle of his apartment.
* All marines in WWII were issues with stockings to bribe Italian village girls with.
* All apartments in Paris have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
* Ben Stiller is the only man who has ever masturbated.
HotRodMatt ·
100 Lies from Porno
* Women wear high heels to bed
* Men are never impotent
* Sexual congress only takes place in apartments that are sparsely furnished
* It is sexy for a man to keep his socks on
* When a man is pleasuring a woman, ten seconds work is more than satisfactory
* When a woman is attracted to a man she lets him know by cupping her hand over the crotch of the man’s trousers and smiling seductively
* Bodily fluids fly in slow motion
* Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged jerks
* Women moan uncontrollably when performing acts of sole benefit to the man
* Women always orgasm when men do
* Sex will always get a girl out of a speeding fine
* People in the 70s couldn’t have sex unless there was a wild guitar solo happening
* Those breasts are real
* The director’s an artist
* Men say “Oh, Yeah!” an awful lot
* At the conclusion of a threesome, the men involved will always ‘high five’ each other
* And the woman isn’t disgusted
* The oldest, fattest, ugliest man in the film is actually a porn actor and not the film’s financier
* Lesbians love it when a guy bursts in on them
* Women hitchhike in high heels and bikinis
* Asian men don’t exist
* Woman outnumber men by about 10 to one
* And the same ten men are having all the sex
* If a man stumbles across a guy and his girlfriend going for it in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash him to death if he silently joins in too.
* There’s a plot
* All men are circumcised
* All women have a tattoo somewhere
* No animals were hurt during the making of the film
* People don’t kiss
* Or say “I love you”
* A man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle, limp-wristed slap on the buttocks
* It is perfectly normal to wear sunglasses the whole time
* Job interviews are orgies
* Nurses are prostitutes
* Henry VIII wore a Rolex watch
* When a complete stranger asks a sunbathing woman if she’d like him to rub suntan oil into her buttocks, she doesn’t tell him to get lost
* In fact, she has sex with him
* Baldness is neither here nor there
* Scrotums are attractive
* Calling a woman “bitch” won’t get you thrown out of bed
* Men are always considerate
* French maids are hot for it
* So are babysitters
* Professional models have sex with professional photographers at the end of every photo session
* When your girlfriend busts you with her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily annoyed before merrily joining in
* ‘Wife’ is shorthand for ‘bitch’
* ‘Husband’ is shorthand for ‘bastard’
* The horse knew what was happening
* Black people only ever have sex with white people
* Nobody has sex with the lights out
* Women never have headaches
* Or periods
* When a musician has sex with a groupie, he brings his whole band with him
* The chicken was enjoying itself
* Nobody ever asks anyone’s name before, during or after sex
* When standing, no matter what act is being performed, a man will always have one hand proudly upon his hip
* There is absolutely nothing uncomfortable at all about anal sex
* All secretaries wear glasses and have their hair tied up in a bun
* But can’t have sex until they take the glasses off and let their hair out
* Dictation is a form of foreplay
* When making love to a woman, men invariably cock one leg up, placing a foot on the ground near the woman’s ear as if mounting an invisible horse
* Security guards get sex all the time
* The eel made a tasty meal afterwards
* Women don’t wear underpants
* Men love it when a women snarls at him as she refers to her “pussy”
* Ron Jeremy is a good bloke
* When a woman is doing something thee man find’s particularly enjoyable, it’s important for the man to constantly remind her to keep doing it
* Virgins have orgasms the first time
* Woman are hairless down there
* Nobody has venereal disease
* When a woman kneels facing west and a man stands facing east, straddling her buttocks and bouncing up and down like some kid on a space hopper, what we have here is a comfortable, rewarding and popular sexual position
* That was the girl’s hand, not the director’s
* All lesbians are gorgeous
* All gorgeous women are bisexual
* No men are bisexual
* Men go deaf during sex, and need to be constantly reminded by their partner that she is enjoying what is happening, eg: “You like that?” “Yeah!” Huh?” “Yeah!” Yeah?” “Yeah!” “Huh?” “Yeah!”
* People only have sex with each other once
* The word “no” doesn’t exist in the English language
* Women often go to a mechanic’s garage looking for partners
* Housewives wear lingerie during the day
* And have sex with all door-to-door salesmen
* All teenagers wear sandshoes with white socks and have their hair in pigtails
* Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find out what’s inside
* The man’s facial expressions are an important part of the movie
* So were the chicken’s
* The soundtrack was important enough to be translated from German to English
* Women who get rescued immediately have sex the rescuer(s)
* Men don’t masturbate
* All women are noisy
* Who always have orgasms
* Men don’t have to beg
* Because women want it more than they do
HotRodMatt ·
100 Lies from TV Ads
* Fat kids are the funniest characters.
* Only old people make phone calls during the cheap-rate periods.
* Single parents can pick up at McDonalds.
* People have to close their eyes after taking a sip of coffee.
* Only Italians make spaghetti.
* Only Indians make curry.
* Women don't drink beer.
* Chinese can't speak English.
* Aborigines don't exist.
* Girls play tennis, waterski and laugh a lot when having their periods.
* Disposable razors worth a dollar each are designed using space-age technology.
* Your baby is important to corporations.
* Your baby is important to anyone but yourself.
* Really sexy girls with big breasts are waiting for you to call them now.
* All people who buy cars have kids.
* Four-wheel drive vehicles don't go unless someone is playing the mouth organ.
* Children always hug teddy bears when witnessing domestic violence.
* People with good bodies sleep only in white sheets.
* Ignorant people find out about good deals through comparatively well-adjusted workmates.
* Every Australian dreams of owning a house.
* When you get that house, your wife will smile and hug you on the front lawn while a happy real estate agent replaces the ‘For Sale’ sign with one that says ‘Sold!’
* A bloke will always wipe his brow with his forearm after drinking beer from a can.
* Bank tellers are happy.
* Butchers are fat.
* The mature voice-over guy is both familiar with and excited about all of the bands on the CD.
* Railway employees are never of ethnic origin. Female executives all wear glasses.
* Male models stop off for drinks in outback pubs.
* Skateboard riding leads to Coke drinking.
* Milk pours in slow motion.
* Housewives are alarmed when their washing comes out clean.
* Chewing gum is somehow good for you.
* The Vegas Elvis was the only Elvis.
* Priscilla Presley's beauty secret is soap.
* Linda Evangelista eats pizza.
* Pawn shops are jovial joints.
* Voice-over guys can't help but laugh when announcing an up-coming comedy show.
* ‘To approved customers’ is not an important point.
* Tests have proved something or other.
* Celebrities care about the starving children of Africa.
* Alcohol means good times, dancing and no vomiting.
* Drunk people either die in car accidents or get picked up by The Salvos.
* Models have orgasms when they eat chocolate and ice-cream.
* Camera crews hear about couples who've had good luck with banks, and thus go around to their homes for impromptu interviews.
* The opinions of morons emerging from cinemas are of great value.
* Basketball players are wise.
* People keep walking in front of the camera these days.
* Food or drink is not consumed by fat people.
* And only people who are already fit go to gymnasiums.
* Insecticide is amusing.
* Toilet paper and your arse have nothing to do with each other.
* Neither do tampons and vaginas.
* You obviously need a new TV.
* Stocks are limited.
* Your helpless family is relying on you to choose the right tyre or they will all die.
* Girls always win at the races.
* Make-up is only worn by supermodels.
* Madness and insanity are desirable qualities in some retailers.
* Chefs are up in arms about the increased quality of packet food.
* All letters are mentally read in the voice of the sender.
* All environmentally-safe products make dolphins swim merrily about.
* All Mexicans wear sombreros, have moustaches, are quite stupid and eat nothing but corn chips.
* All American Indians go off the warpath if some form of confectionery turns up.
* All burglars wear black.
* And look left and right before running at the sound of an alarm.
* It's the jeans that make a girl's arse look nice, not her arse.
* Same with bras.
* A male hitch-hiker will always get picked up by a young woman.
* Especially if he's got a guitar.
* A young female hitch-hiker will always get picked up by a truckie who is a top bloke.
* When the last biscuit is eaten, an unhappy hand always fumbles blindly over the empty plate.
* And when a packet or container is empty, some sad-faced dickhead has to turn it upside down and shake it before he's sure.
* You can exist for thirty comfortable years after one shopping trip to a petrol station.
* When men wear brand-new clothes, they have to put their hands in their pockets.
* Come mothers’ and fathers’ day, Grandma and Grandpa are still alive.
* In the future, everything is white and nobody laughs.
* All Japanese people are intelligent and wear suits.
* Condoms are hilarious.
* All neighbours are friendly.
* Lottery winners throw their money in the air.
* Supermarkets are never crowded.
* When you buy something you are actually saving money.
* People only die in car accidents.
* People don't have sex.
* People don't masturbate.
scottbugged ·
Heard on the radio the other day. a group of men where fishing and caught a small fish, 1 man said as a joke that he would eat the fish alive, he placed the fish in his mouth as his mates laughed, the fish squirmed and lodged it's self in his wind pipe resulting in the man chocking to death.
:o
zac_smits ·
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.
zac_smits ·
Helping the Pope With His Holy Crossword
A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help."
Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
zac_smits ·
Split Up The Middle
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."
__________________
zac_smits ·
Murphy's Laws of Combat
* If the enemy is in range, so are you
Incoming fire has the right of way
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire
There is always a way
That way is always mined
Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo
What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank
Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at
If orders can be misunderstood they will be
The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud
Mine fields are not neutral
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict
The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack
If your attack is going well, it's an ambush
Never draw fire, it irritates those around you
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder
Friendly fire isn't
Never stand when you can sit
Never sit when you can lie down
Never stay awake when you can sleep
A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake
Whenever you are low on ammo, you can never hit anything
The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired
Interchangeable parts are not
The item you need is always in short supply
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of it's operator
No combat ready group ever passes inspection
No inspection ready group ever survives combat
Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps
Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together
If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both
Tracers work both ways
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire
The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it
Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms
penguin ·
Intuition:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk,
a carton of eggs,
2 litres of orange juice,
a head of lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes,
a 500g jar of coffee,
and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Oasis ·
Engagement Photo
amazer ·
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine ...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching
my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
The teacher answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH,
is four."
amazer ·
A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
amazer ·
IF MICROSOFT MANUFACTURED VEHICLES
Sales Brochure
Introducing the new Microsoft a-trust series, with a 6 cylinder V-tec engine,
enchanced fuel system, and CB radio. CD player now comes as standard with all
models.
-----
You are impressed with the salesman's talk on the new vehicle and go ahead
with the purchase. You later discover many problems with the vehicle.
The fuel inlet pipe is of triangular shape as opposed to the conventional
circular type. You can only fill your car up at Microsoft or Microsoft
approved petrol stations. You take the car to a non-oem mechanic (Linux gas
systems) and have the car converted to gas, so you can use both gas and
petrol. You find yourself saving both time and money through use of the gas
system, but occasionally need to use petrol.
Vehicle maintanance is free, so when you find a problem you simply take the
car to your local Microsoft dealer, and they fix the problem on the spot.
However when you get the car back, the non-oem Alpine CD player has been
removed from your dash and replaced with an inferior Microsoft CD player. All
the CD's in your dash compartment have been replaced by Microsoft CD's that
only work inside Microsoft CD players.
Non Microsoft mechanics have found it difficult to work on your car because
their socket sets don't fit over the unusual shaped Microsoft bolts present
all over the car. The mechanics have to buy a Microsoft socket set, which are
expensive and require changing every month.
When you first purchase the car and start the motor, the internal computer
makes you enter a 32 digit registration code, and make you agree that you
won't try to take any part of the car apart. In addition you also agree to
give the manufacturer regular feedback as to the operation of the vehicle. You
have to agree to do this, otherwise the car won't work. When you first start
the car, it automatically drives you to your local Microsoft car wash for
cleaning. Normally you have already arrived at the car wash before you get the
opportunity to tell the vehicle you don't want to go to the car wash.
When you first purchase the car, you notice you don't like the factory CD
player. You travel to your nearest car audio installer and have an Alpine mp3
CD player deck installed. When you go to drive away, the car computer says:
"You don't have a Microsoft CD player installed, would you like to travel to
your local Microsoft dealer to have a Microsoft CD player installed for free?"
You politely decline.
You have been driving the car for many months now, and then Microsoft announce
a defect in the central locking system, in which an intruder can gain entry to
the vehicle by inserting any key into the lock 16 times. Inserting the key 17
times causes the internal computer a buffer overrun error. The intruder then
inserts a key one more time which causes the locks to open. You take your car
to the local Microsoft dealer and they fix the problem. When you get the car
back, the Alpine CD player has been changed with a Microsoft CD player, (The
Alpine CD player has been left in the boot with wires hanging out off it) the
gas conversion kit has been removed, and when you go to start the car it
automatically drives you (out of your way) to the nearest Microsoft car wash.
Once again you have already arrived at the car wash before you get the
opportunity to tell the vehicle you don't want to go to the car wash.
The car comes equiped with a CB radio (Citizen band communiation radio). You
decide that you don't need the CB radio (because you have a mobile phone) and
personally remove it, then go to place it in the boot next to the Alpine car
stereo with wires hanging off it. You go to use the car the next day and the
CB radio is back in its place, not only is it switched on and ready to use,
people are trying to contact you on it. After reading through the user manual,
you realise that removal of the CB radio requires 3 separate jumpers on the
radio circuit to be unplugged, which requires the unit to be taken apart. In
frustration you give up trying to remove the CB radio. You are starting to get
annoyed with this car and are considering trading it in for a different
model.
A few weeks pass, and Microsoft announces that there is a flaw with the CB
radio that allows people to gain entry to your car by saying certain types of
words over the radio frequency. You take the car to your local Microsoft
dealer and they replace the CB radio with a bulkier version that has been
rivoted in and is even harder to remove. You tell you Microsoft serviceman
that you don't even need a CB radio, and he just laughs at you and sais "The
onboard computer requires the CB radio to be present in order for the car to
function, and _anyway_ our managers havn't given us the tools or instructions
on how to remove them, however if you want to upgrade to a better CB radio for
only $59.95 we can offer you a better quality product" You politely decline.
A few weeks down the track, you realise that the car is automatically driving
itself to the local Microsoft garage for regular service in the middle of the
night. You appear even more annoyed than before, this is the last straw and
you decide to get rid of the vehicle. You go to advertise the car in the local
paper. The only person that rings you are solicitors from Microsoft informing
you that selling the vehicle is a violation of the end-user agreement that you
signed upon receiving the vehicle. In a state of frustration you take the
vehicle out to the bush, and after taking the alpine CD player and Linux gas
tank out, you torch the dam thing. You walk home and feel relaxed that you
don't have to worry about looking after a Microsoft vehicle again.
The day passes and you wake up in your house to find a brand new Microsoft
a-trust vehicle in your driveway just like the one you torched the previous
day. The CD player is stock standard and people are still trying to contact
you over the CB radio.
amazer ·
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping
Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said,
"I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking utterly confused and simply stated,
"Who or what's Camilla Parker Bowles?"
amazer ·
MOWING THE LAWN
Peter is relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade sipping a beer and
listening to the radio. As he chills out, his wife struggles with a manual
mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
Peter's next-door-neighbour sees the woman battling with the mower and shouts
across the fence "You pathetic excuse for a man," he yells "sitting there
sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody
well hung."
"I am" Peter shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
HotRodMatt ·
Top one Oasis....
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking dejected and said, "Who the fuck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
amazer ·
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Oasis ·
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself that the traffic seemed worse than usual.
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.
He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends.
So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
President Bush given the Indian name of "WALKING EAGLE"
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers".
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
buzzbug ·
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
Dave.............
..............you're a vet".
buzzbug ·
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil. 10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny Personal trainer. 10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry. 2.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe. 12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full
length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler. 7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bends over a lot displaying their growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day;
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lsbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Oasis ·
Happy International women's day!
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they used to communicate with other computers are incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling... this gets better!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if ! you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
E ·
so much to read...kill me....
bugeyedbabe ·
ur wish...is my command..
:vader
Oasis ·
A gypsy woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have 2 green marks down here on the top of my thighs. What is it?" The doctor asks the gypsy, "Do you have a boyfriend?" She replies, "Yes." The doctor says, "Tell your boyfriend that his ear-rings aren't real gold.."
amazer ·
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
You're laughing, aren't you?!?!
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
amazer ·
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He
takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to sit down and relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,
"...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
amazer ·
.
amazer ·
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married.
She put a want ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me,
and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door,
there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you---you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eye ebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
With a smirk the old man said, " Rang the doorbell didn't I?"
Oasis ·
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
>perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
>nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind,"
>and refers him to a psychiatrist.
>
>After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
>to how you could possible be cured. So, finally, the psyichiatrist, at his
>wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.
>
>The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
>flame, and immediately there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
>witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing. but you can only use it once
>a year. All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as
>you wish." The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
>over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234"
>and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year."
>
>The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
>good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123": and just like
>that,he gets an erection.
>
>His wife turns over and says sleepily, "What did you say "123" for??????
Oasis ·
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi, Bob. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company, an electric utility, loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar turbines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the turbine balanced, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge turbine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular spot of the turbine and said, "This is where your problem is add some weight at this spot " The weight was added and the turbine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000
from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Whitty ·
A quick fairytale
A man loved a woman and asked her to marry him.
She said no.
And he lived happily ever after.
zac_smits ·
^^rofl!!
theverybigtallman ·
a blonde and a brunette are in grade 3. who has the bigger tits?
the blonde. she's 23.
Oasis ·
ROFL!!
zac_smits ·
> Subject: FW: Science Question
>
>
>
> The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
> class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times
> its size when stimulated?"
>
> No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and
> said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question
> like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will
> go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
>
> With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
>
> Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
> "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
> stimulated?"
>
> Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those
> around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
>
> The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
>
> class, "Anybody?"
>
> Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and
> said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size
> when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
>
> Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
> Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have
> three things to say:
> 1.You have a dirty mind
> 2.You didn't read your homework, and
> 3.One day you are going to be very, very
> disappointed."
amazer ·
and the man himself is very very wrong...
very absurd looking...
very freaky...
> > > Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
> > > A: Because they aren't his!
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
> > > A: Get out of my sun!
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
> > > A: Throw him a buoy!
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
> > > A: He thought it was a delivery service.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
> > > A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
> > > A: Several children have fingered him.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
> > > A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael
> >Jackson?
> > > A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small
> > > children. The other is used to hold groceries.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
> > > A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
> > > A. Michael Jackson's hand.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
> > > every night?
> > > A. Hanson.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
> > > A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
> > > A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
> > > A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
> > > A: Two 5 year olds.
> > >
> > >
> > > Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
> > > Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
> > > Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
> > > Janet: No, just a pizza and video
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
> > > A: Michael Jackson
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
> > > A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
> > > A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
> > >
> > >
> > > The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson:
> > > If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says
> >he'll > have no choice but to make him a priest.
> > >
> > >
> > > FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house:
> > > They found class A drugs in his kitchen,
> > > Class B drugs in his living room and
> > > Class 5C in his bedroom.
> > >
> > >
> > > Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
> > > baby son.
> > > The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can
> > > have sex?"
> > > "I'd wait until he's at least 14," the doctor replies.
amazer ·
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says,
"That, sir, is the difference between an private and Medicare."
amazer ·
> > A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
> > funeral. A huge
> > heart
> > covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
> > the service.
> > Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
> > casket rolled
> > inside.
> > The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
> > beautiful heart
> > forever.
> > At that point, one of the mourners burst into
> > laughter. When all
> > eyes
> > stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just
> > thinking of my own
> > funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
> >
> >
> >
> > That's when the proctologist fainted!
bajachris88 ·
That YEARS WINNER you put up (the one about the Metallica concert and leaves in rectum etc), i heard that one before. That is a true story (believe it or not), pretty shocking/scary and funny at the same time. Just shows you the results of:
STUPIDITY + ALCOHOL + ROCK 'N' ROLL, but its all good.
good post KruizinKombi.
Special Air Service ·
Q. why does micheal jackson like twenty-eight year olds?
A. Because theres twenty of them
Oasis ·
A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for
the loan officer.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for
two weeks and needs
to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind
of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new
Mercedes. The car is
parked on the street in front of the bank, she has
the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the
car as collateral
for the loan. The bank's president and its officers
all enjoy a good
laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as
collateral
against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Mercedes into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two
weeks later, the
blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to
$15.41.
The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to
have had your
business and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that
you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is why you
would bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I
park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when
I return?"
Oasis ·
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied
Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he
gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something
very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000
square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons....What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing
as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a
shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him, and he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Oasis ·
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
>Smart man + smart woman = romance
>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>
>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>
>SHOPPING MATH
>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
>
>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
>HAPPINESS
>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
>her at all.
>
>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
>
>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>A woman has the last word in any argument.
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
>same thing to them at funerals.
>
>SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW
>CAN HANDLE IT.
amazer ·
CROWS
Three male crows are flying over head when one spots a dove.
He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a
few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been
loved!" The crows continue on. A little later the second bird sees a
lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few
minutes later, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been
sparked!" The crows continue on. A little later the third one sees a
duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a
few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes
out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"
I bet you thought the duck would have said something else...
Oasis ·
This is perhaps why the world is in grave danger of destruction:
‘Bushisms’
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. - John Stuart Mill.
"A RESULTS-ORIENTED ADMINISTRATION… WILL MAKE AMERICA WHAT WE WANT IT TO BE-A LITERATE COUNTRY AND A HOPEFULLER COUNTRY."-WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 11, 2001
"I WOULD HAVE TO ASK THE QUESTIONER. I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO ASK THE QUESTIONERS THE QUESTION THEY'VE BEEN QUESTIONING. AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 8, 2001
"I DO REMAIN CONFIDENT IN LINDA. SHE'LL MAKE A FINE LABOR SECRETARY. FROM WHAT I'VE READ IN THE PRESS ACCOUNTS, SHE'S PERFECTLY QUALIFIED."-AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 8, 2001
"SHE IS A MEMBER OF A LABOR UNION AT ONE POINT."
ANNOUNCING HIS NOMINATION OF LINDA CHAVEZ AS SECRETARY OF LABOR. AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 2, 2001
"NATURAL GAS IS HEMISPHERIC. I LIKE TO CALL IT HEMISPHERIC IN NATURE BECAUSE IT IS A PRODUCT THAT WE CAN FIND IN OUR NEIGHBORHOODS."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, DEC. 20, 2000
"I AM MINDFUL OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH. I ASSURED ALL FOUR OF THESE LEADERS THAT I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, AND THAT DIFFERENCE IS THEY PASS THE LAWS AND I EXECUTE THEM." WASHINGTON, D.C., DEC. 18, 2000
"THE GREAT THING ABOUT AMERICA IS EVERYBODY SHOULD VOTE."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, DEC. 8, 2000
"I KNEW IT MIGHT PUT HIM IN AN AWKWARD POSITION THAT WE HAD A DISCUSSION BEFORE FINALITY HAS FINALLY HAPPENED IN THIS PRESIDENTIAL RACE."
DESCRIBING A PHONE CALL TO SEN. JOHN BREAUX. CRAWFORD, TEXAS, DEC. 2, 2000
"THE LEGISLATURE'S JOB IS TO WRITE LAW. IT'S THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH'S JOB TO INTERPRET LAW."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, NOV. 22, 2000
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM."
ST. CHARLES, MO., NOV. 2, 2000
"STATES SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENACT REASONABLE LAWS AND RESTRICTIONS PARTICULARLY TO END THE INHUMANE PRACTICE OF ENDING A LIFE THAT OTHERWISE COULD LIVE."
-CLEVELAND, JUNE 29, 2000
"UNFAIRLY BUT TRUTHFULLY, OUR PARTY HAS BEEN TAGGED AS BEING AGAINST THINGS... ANTI-IMMIGRANT, FOR EXAMPLE. AND WE'RE NOT A PARTY OF ANTI-IMMIGRANTS. QUITE THE OPPOSITE. WE'RE A PARTY THAT WELCOMES PEOPLE."
-CAMPAIGNING IN CLEVELAND, JULY 1, 2000
" I DO NOT BELIEVE WE'VE PUT A GUILTY... I MEAN INNOCENT PERSON TO DEATH IN THE STATE OF TEXAS."
-ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, NPR, JUNE 16, 2000
"I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT THE IDEAL WORLD, CHRIS. I'VE READ- I UNDERSTAND REALITY. IF YOU'RE ASKING ME AS THE PRESIDENT, WOULD I UNDERSTAND REALITY, I DO."
-ON ABORTION, HARDBALL, MSNBC; MAY 31, 2000
"THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THE SYSTEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE LIKE ME."
-ON THE COMING SOCIAL SECURITY CRISIS; WILTON, CONN.; JUNE 9, 2000
BUSH: "FIRST OF ALL, CINCO DE MAYO IS NOT THE INDEPENDENCE DAY. THAT'S DIECISEIS DE SEPTIEMBRE, AND ..." MATTHEWS: "WHAT'S THAT IN ENGLISH?" BUSH: "FIFTEENTH OF SEPTEMBER." (DIECISEIS DE SEPTIEMBRE = SEPT. 16)
-HARDBALL, MSNBC, MAY 31, 2000
"ACTUALLY, I...THIS MAY SOUND A LITTLE WEST TEXAN TO YOU, BUT I LIKE IT. WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT...WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, AND WHEN HE'S TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, ALL OF US ARE TALKING ABOUT ME."
--HARDBALL, MSNBC, MAY 31, 2000
"HE HAS CERTAINLY EARNED A REPUTATION AS A FANTASTIC MAYOR, BECAUSE THE RESULTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. I MEAN, NEW YORK'S A SAFER PLACE FOR HIM TO BE."
-ON RUDY GIULIANI, THE EDGE WITH PAULA ZAHN, MAY 18, 2000
"THE FACT THAT HE RELIES ON FACTS...SAYS THINGS THAT ARE NOT FACTUAL...ARE GOING TO UNDERMINE HIS CAMPAIGN."
-NEW YORK TIMES, MARCH 4, 2000
"I THINK WE AGREE, THE PAST IS OVER."
-ON HIS MEETING WITH JOHN MCCAIN, DALLAS MORNING NEWS, MAY 10, 2000
"IT'S CLEARLY A BUDGET. IT'S GOT A LOT OF NUMBERS IN IT."
-REUTERS, MAY 5, 2000
GOV. BUSH: " I TALKED TO MY LITTLE BROTHER, JEB...I HAVEN'T TOLD THIS TO MANY PEOPLE. BUT HE'S THE GOVERNOR OF...I SHOULDN'T CALL HIM MY LITTLE BROTHER...MY BROTHER, JEB, THE GREAT GOVERNOR OF TEXAS." JIM LEHRER: "FLORIDA." GOV. BUSH: "FLORIDA. THE STATE OF THE FLORIDA."
-THE NEWSHOUR WITH JIM LEHRER, APRIL 27, 2000
"I WAS RAISED IN THE WEST. THE WEST OF TEXAS. IT'S PRETTY CLOSE TO CALIFORNIA. IN MORE WAYS THAN WASHINGTON, D.C., IS CLOSE TO CALIFORNIA."
-IN LOS ANGELES AS QUOTED BY THE LOS ANGELES TIMES, APRIL 8, 2000
"OTHER REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES MAY RETORT TO PERSONAL ATTACKS AND NEGATIVE ADS."
-FUND-RAISING LETTER FROM GEORGE W. BUSH, QUOTED IN THE WASHINGTON POST, MARCH 24, 2000
"PEOPLE MAKE SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT TO SAY ALL THE TIME. I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE; I DON'T READ WHAT'S HANDED TO ME. PEOPLE SAY, 'HERE, HERE'S YOUR SPEECH, OR HERE'S AN IDEA FOR A SPEECH.' THEY'RE CHANGED. TRUST ME."
-INTERVIEW WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES, MARCH 15, 2000
"IT'S EVOLUTIONARY, GOING FROM GOVERNOR TO PRESIDENT, AND THIS IS A SIGNIFICANT STEP, TO BE ABLE TO VOTE FOR YOURSELF ON THE BALLOT, AND I'LL BE ABLE TO DO SO NEXT FALL, I HOPE."
-INTERVIEW WITH THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, MARCH 8, 2000
"IT IS NOT REAGANESQUE TO SUPPORT A TAX PLAN THAT IS CLINTON IN NATURE."
-LOS ANGELES, FEB. 23, 2000
"I UNDERSTAND SMALL BUSINESS GROWTH. I WAS ONE."
-NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, FEB. 19, 2000
"THE SENATOR HAS GOT TO UNDERSTAND IF HE'S GOING TO HAVE...HE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. HE CAN'T TAKE THE HIGH HORSE AND THEN CLAIM THE LOW ROAD."
-TO REPORTERS IN FLORENCE, S.C., FEB. 17, 2000
"IF YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED OF THE POLITICS OF CYNICISM AND POLLS AND PRINCIPLES, COME AND JOIN THIS CAMPAIGN."
-HILTON HEAD, S.C., FEB. 16, 2000
"HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T MEASURE IF YOU HAVE A SYSTEM THAT SIMPLY SUCKLES KIDS THROUGH?"
-EXPLAINING THE NEED FOR EDUCATIONAL ACCOUNTABILITY IN BEAUFORT, S.C., FEB. 16, 2000
"WE OUGHT TO MAKE THE PIE HIGHER."
-SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE, FEB. 15, 2000
"I'VE CHANGED MY STYLE SOMEWHAT, AS YOU KNOW. I'M LESS...I PONTIFICATE LESS, ALTHOUGH IT MAY BE HARD TO TELL IT FROM THIS SHOW. AND I'M MORE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE."
-SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE, FEB. 15, 2000
"I THINK WE NEED NOT ONLY TO ELIMINATE THE TOLLBOOTH TO THE MIDDLE CLASS, I THINK WE SHOULD KNOCK DOWN THE TOLLBOOTH."
-NASHUA, N.H., AS QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, FEB. 1, 2000
"THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IS NOT TO BE GOVERNOR, OR FIRST LADY IN MY CASE."
-PELLA, IOWA, AS QUOTED BY THE SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS, JAN. 30, 2000
"WILL THE HIGHWAYS ON THE INTERNET BECOME MORE FEW?"
-CONCORD, N.H., JAN. 29, 2000
"THIS IS PRESERVATION MONTH. I APPRECIATE PRESERVATION. IT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT. YOU GOTTA PRESERVE."
-SPEAKING DURING "PERSEVERENCE MONTH" AT FAIRGROUNDS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN NASHUA, N.H. AS QUOTED IN THE LOS ANGELES TIMES, JAN. 28, 2000
"I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO PUT FOOD ON YOUR FAMILY."
-GREATER NASHUA, N.H., CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, JAN. 27, 2000
"WHAT I AM AGAINST IS QUOTAS. I AM AGAINST HARD QUOTAS, QUOTAS THEY BASICALLY DELINEATE BASED UPON WHATEVER. HOWEVER THEY DELINEATE, QUOTAS, I THINK VULCANIZE SOCIETY. SO I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT FITS INTO WHAT EVERYBODY
ELSE IS SAYING, THEIR RELATIVE POSITIONS, BUT THAT'S MY POSITION."
-THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE, JAN. 21, 2000
"WHEN I WAS COMING UP, IT WAS A DANGEROUS WORLD, AND YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHO THEY WERE. IT WAS US VS. THEM, AND IT WAS CLEAR WHO THEM WAS. TODAY, WE ARE NOT SO SURE WHO THE THEY ARE, BUT WE KNOW THEY'RE THERE."
-IOWA WESTERN COMMUNITY COLLEGE, JAN 21, 2000
"THE ADMINISTRATION I'LL BRING IS A GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE FOCUSED ON WHAT'S BEST FOR AMERICA, HONEST MEN AND WOMEN, DECENT MEN AND WOMEN, WOMEN WHO WILL SEE SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY AS A GREAT PRIVILEGE AND WHO WILL
NOT STAIN THE HOUSE."
-DES MOINES REGISTER DEBATE, IOWA, JAN. 15, 2000
"THIS IS STILL A DANGEROUS WORLD. IT'S A WORLD OF MADMEN AND UNCERTAINTY AND POTENTIAL MENTAL LOSSES."
-AT A SOUTH CAROLINA OYSTER ROAST, AS QUOTED IN THE FINANCIAL TIMES, JAN. 14, 2000
"WE MUST ALL HEAR THE UNIVERSAL CALL TO LIKE YOUR NEIGHBOR JUST LIKE YOU LIKE TO BE LIKED YOURSELF."
"RARELY IS THE QUESTION ASKED: IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?"
-FLORENCE, S.C., JAN. 11, 2000
"GOV. BUSH WILL NOT STAND FOR THE SUBSIDATION OF FAILURE."
-FLORENCE, S.C., JAN. 11, 2000
"THE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS, HOW MANY HANDS HAVE I SHAKED?"
IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, OCT. 23, 1999
"I DON'T REMEMBER DEBATES. I DON'T THINK WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME DEBATING IT.. MAYBE WE DID, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER."
-ON DISCUSSIONS OF THE VIETNAM WAR WHEN HE WAS AN UNDERGRADUATE AT YALE, WASHINGTON POST, JULY 27, 1999
"IT WAS JUST INEBRIATING WHAT MIDLAND WAS ALL ABOUT THEN."
-FROM A 1994 INTERVIEW, AS QUOTED IN FIRST SON BY BILL MINUTAGLIO
"I THINK ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T THINK I'M SMART ENOUGH TO HANDLE THE JOB IS UNDERESTIMATING."
-U.S. NEWS & WORLD REPORT, APRIL 3, 2000
"ANYWAY, I'M SO THANKFUL, AND SO GRACIOUS - I'M GRACIOUS THAT MY BROTHER JEB IS CONCERNED ABOUT THE HEMISPHERE AS WELL." JUNE 4, 2001
"SO ON BEHALF OF A WELL-OILED UNIT OF PEOPLE WHO CAME TOGETHER TO SERVE SOMETHING GREATER THAN THEMSELVES, CONGRATULATIONS." IN REMARKS TO THE UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM, THE 2001 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, MAY 31, 2001
"FOR EVERY FATAL SHOOTING, THERE WERE ROUGHLY THREE NON-FATAL SHOOTINGS. AND, FOLKS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE IN AMERICA. IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE. AND WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." -MAY 14
"THERE'S NO QUESTION THAT THE MINUTE I GOT ELECTED, THE STORM CLOUDS ON THE HORIZON WERE GETTING NEARLY DIRECTLY OVERHEAD." - MAY 11, 2001
"BUT I ALSO MADE IT CLEAR TO (VLADIMIR PUTIN) THAT IT'S IMPORTANT TO THINK BEYOND THE OLD DAYS OF WHEN WE HAD THE CONCEPT THAT IF WE BLEW EACH OTHER UP, THE WORLD WOULD BE SAFE." - MAY 1, 2001
"FIRST, WE WOULD NOT ACCEPT A TREATY THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN RATIFIED, NOR A TREATY THAT I THOUGHT MADE SENSE FOR THE COUNTRY." - ON THE KYOTO ACCORD, APRIL 24, 2001
"IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR FOLKS TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN THERE'S MORE TRADE, THERE'S MORE COMMERCE." -AT THE SUMMIT OF THE AMERICAS IN QUEBEC CITY, APRIL 21, 2001
"NEITHER IN FRENCH NOR IN ENGLISH NOR IN MEXICAN." - DECLINING TO TAKE REPORTERS' QUESTIONS DURING A PHOTO OP WITH CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER JEAN CHRETIEN, APRIL 21, 2001
"THIS ADMINISTRATION IS DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO END THE STALEMATE IN AN EFFICIENT WAY. WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS TO BRING THE SOLUTION TO AN END." -APRIL 10, 2001
"IT WOULD BE HELPFUL IF WE OPENED UP ANWR (ARCTIC NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE). I THINK IT'S A MISTAKE NOT TO. AND I WOULD URGE YOU ALL TO TRAVEL UP THERE AND TAKE A LOOK AT IT, AND YOU CAN MAKE THE DETERMINATION AS TO HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT COUNTRY IS." - AT A WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE, MARCH 29, 2001
"I'VE COINED NEW WORDS, LIKE, MISUNDERSTANDING AND HISPANICALLY." -SPEAKING AT THE RADIO & TELEVISION CORRESPONDENTS DINNER, MARCH 29, 2001
"A LOT OF TIMES IN THE RHETORIC, PEOPLE FORGET THE FACTS. AND THE FACTS ARE THAT THOUSANDS OF SMALL BUSINESSES - HISPANICALLY OWNED OR OTHERWISE - PAY TAXES AT THE HIGHEST MARGINAL RATE." -SPEAKING TO THE HISPANIC CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, MARCH 19, 2001
"I DO THINK WE NEED FOR A TROOP TO BE ABLE TO HOUSE HIS FAMILY. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF BUILDING MORALE IN THE MILITARY." -SPEAKING AT TYNDALL AIR FORCE BASE IN FLORIDA, MARCH 12, 2001
"I SUSPECT THAT HAD MY DAD NOT BEEN PRESIDENT, HE'D BE ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS: HOW'D YOUR MEETING GO WITH SO-AND-SO? … HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU STOOD UP IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE FOR THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS-STATE OF THE BUDGET ADDRESS, WHATEVER YOU CALL IT." -IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE WASHINGTON POST, MARCH 9, 2001
"ANN AND I WILL CARRY OUT THIS EQUIVOCAL MESSAGE TO THE WORLD: MARKETS MUST BE OPEN." AT THE SWEARING-IN CEREMONY FOR SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE ANN VENEMAN, MARCH 2, 2001
PLAN PLAYS DOWN AN UNPRECEDENTED AMOUNT OF OUR NATIONAL DEBT." -IN HIS BUDGET ADDRESS TO CONGRESS, FEB. 27, 2001
"I HAVE SAID THAT THE SANCTION REGIME IS LIKE SWISS CHEESE - THAT MEANT THAT THEY WEREN'T VERY EFFECTIVE." -DURING A WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE, FEB. 22, 2001
"YOU TEACH A CHILD TO READ, AND HE OR HER WILL BE ABLE TO PASS A LITERACY TEST.'' -FEB. 21, 2001
"IT'S GOOD TO SEE SO MANY FRIENDS HERE IN THE ROSE GARDEN. THIS IS OUR FIRST EVENT IN THIS BEAUTIFUL SPOT, AND IT'S APPROPRIATE WE TALK ABOUT POLICY THAT WILL AFFECT PEOPLE'S LIVES IN A POSITIVE WAY IN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PART OF OUR NATIONAL - REALLY, OUR NATIONAL PARK SYSTEM, MY GUESS IS YOU WOULD WANT TO CALL IT."-FEB. 8, 2001
"WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT AIDS INSIDE OUR WHITE HOUSE - MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT." -FEB. 7, 2001
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS LEGACIES. AT LEAST, THERE IS A LEGACY, BUT I'LL NEVER SEE IT." -SPEAKING TO CATHOLIC LEADERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, JAN. 31, 2001
"I APPRECIATE THAT QUESTION BECAUSE I, IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, HAD HEARD A LOT OF DISCUSSION ABOUT A FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE ERODING THE IMPORTANT BRIDGE BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE.", SPEAKING TO REPORTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 29, 2001
"I AM MINDFUL NOT ONLY OF PRESERVING EXECUTIVE POWERS FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR PREDECESSORS AS WELL." -WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 29, 2001
"REDEFINING THE ROLE OF THE UNITED STATES FROM ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE TO ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE FROM PEACEKEEPERS IS GOING TO BE AN ASSIGNMENT." -JAN. 2001
"I'M HOPEFUL. I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF AMBITION IN WASHINGTON, OBVIOUSLY. BUT I HOPE THE AMBITIOUS REALIZE THAT THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED WITH SUCCESS AS OPPOSED TO FAILURE." -JAN. 2001
"THE CALIFORNIA CRUNCH REALLY IS THE RESULT OF NOT ENOUGH POWER-GENERATING PLANTS AND THEN NOT ENOUGH POWER TO POWER THE POWER OF GENERATING PLANTS." -JAN. 2001
"SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE ANTHONY GETS A GOOD MEAL - ANTONIO." -GEORGE W. BUSH, ON LAURA BUSH INVITING JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA TO DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE, JAN. 2001
WE MUST ALL HEAR THE UNIVERSAL CALL TO LIKE YOUR NEIGHBOR JUST LIKE YOU LIKE TO BE LIKED YOURSELF.
I HAVE A DIFFERENT VISION OF LEADERSHIP. A LEADERSHIP IS SOMEONE WHO BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER.
I MEAN, THERE NEEDS TO BE A WHOLESALE EFFORT AGAINST RACIAL PROFILING, WHICH IS ILLITERATE CHILDREN.
LEADERSHIP TO ME MEANS DUTY, HONOR, COUNTRY. IT MEANS CHARACTER, AND IT MEANS LISTENING FROM TIME TO TIME.
IN MY SENTENCES I GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
ONE OF THE COMMON DENOMINATORS I HAVE FOUND IS THAT EXPECTATIONS RISE ABOVE THAT WHICH IS EXPECTED.
THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IS NOT TO BE GOVERNOR, OR FIRST LADY IN MY CASE.
THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THE SYSTEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE LIKE ME.
WE ARE READY FOR ANY UNFORESEEN EVENT WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN.
THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM.
I APPRECIATE THAT QUESTION BECAUSE I, IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, HAD HEARD A LOT OF DISCUSSION ABOUT A FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE ERODING THE IMPORTANT BRIDGE BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE.
FOR EVERY FATAL SHOOTING, THERE WERE ROUGHLY THREE NON-FATAL SHOOTINGS. AND, FOLKS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE IN AMERICA. IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE. AND WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
THIS ADMINISTRATION IS DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO END THE STALEMATE IN AN EFFICIENT WAY. WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS TO BRING THE SOLUTION TO AN END.
ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT BOOKS IS SOMETIMES THERE ARE SOME FANTASTIC PICTURES.
I MENTIONED EARLY ON THAT I RECOGNIZE THERE ARE HURDLES, AND WE'RE GOING TO ACHIEVE THOSE HURDLES. [1/22/2003]
PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY VERY WEIRD CAN GET INTO SENSITIVE POSITIONS AND HAVE A TREMENDOUS IMPACT ON HISTORY.
THE ADMINISTRATION I'LL BRING IS A GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE FOCUSED ON WHAT'S BEST FOR AMERICA, HONEST MEN AND WOMEN, DECENT MEN AND WOMEN, WOMEN WHO WILL SEE SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY AS A GREAT PRIVILEGE AND WHO WILL NOT STAIN THE HOUSE.
IT'S CLEARLY A BUDGET. IT'S GOT A LOT OF NUMBERS IN IT.
I UNDERSTAND SMALL BUSINESS GROWTH. I WAS ONE.
HE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. HE CAN'T TAKE THE HIGH HORSE AND THEN CLAIM THE LOW ROAD.
RARELY IS THE QUESTION ASKED: IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?
WILL THE HIGHWAYS ON THE INTERNET BECOME MORE FEW?
WE CANNOT LET TERRORISTS HOLD THIS NATION HOSTILE OR HOLD OUR ALLIES HOSTILE.
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING IN TENNESSEE -- I KNOW IT'S IN TEXAS, PROBABLY IN TENNESSEE...THAT SAYS, FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON...SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME...YOU CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN. [9/17/2002]
AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS, I HAVE SET HIGH STANDARDS FOR OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS, AND I HAVE MET THOSE STANDARDS.
OUR NATION MUST COME TOGETHER TO UNITE.
"A LOW VOTER TURNOUT IS AN INDICATION OF FEWER PEOPLE GOING TO THE POLLS."
"I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS IN THE FUTURE."
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
"IF WE DON'T SUCCEED, WE RUN THE RISK OF FAILURE."
"MY BROTHER JEB HAS ASSURED ME THE STATE OF FLORIDA."
"IF YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED OF THE POLITICS OF CYNICISM AND POLLS AND PRINCIPLES, COME AND JOIN THIS CAMPAIGN."
"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST EDUCATED AMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY."
"I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO PUT FOOD ON YOUR FAMILY."
"WHEN I WAS COMING UP, IT WAS A DANGEROUS WORLD, AND YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHO THEY WERE. IT WAS US VS. THEM, AND IT WAS CLEAR WHO THEM WAS. TODAY, WE ARE NOT SO SURE WHO THE THEY ARE, BUT WE KNOW THEY'RE THERE."
AN OPENLY KNOWN HOMOSEXUAL IS SOMEBODY WHO PROBABLY WOULDN'T SHARE MY PHILOSOPHY."
"GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE; GUNS ARE DESIGNED AND MANUFACTURED FOR THE PURPOSE OF ENABLING PEOPLE TO USE THE GUNS TO KILL PEOPLE."
"I THINK WHAT'S GETTING LOST IN THIS WHOLE DEBATE IS THIS: TAKING DRUGS IS WRONG." W'S ANSWER TO WHAT THE PRESIDENT SHOULD DO ABOUT HIGH PRESCRIPTION DRUG PRICES IN THE USA
"I THINK IT'S FINE, AS LONG AS IT'S CHRISTIAN PRAYERS. ANYTHING ELSE IS UN-AMERICAN."
-GEORGE W. BUSH [HIS THOUGHTS ON PRAYING AT SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAMES]
"WE CAN'T LET THIS CHILD COME UNDER THE SWAY OF AN ISOLATIONIST, TYRANNICAL STATE LED BY A SELF-OBSESSED SOCIOPATH. BY ALL MEANS, SEND HIM BACK TO CUBA."
"THEY MISUNDERESTIMATED ME."
"WE'RE ENJOYING SLUGGISH TIMES, AND NOT ENJOYING THEM VERY MUCH."
"I'VE GOT A RECORD, A RECORD THAT IS CONSERVATIVE AND A RECORD THAT IS COMPASSIONATED."
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM."
"MR. VICE PRESIDENT, IN ALL DUE RESPECT, IT IS-I'M NOT SURE 80 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE GET THE DEATH TAX. I KNOW THIS: 100 PERCENT WILL GET IT IF I'M THE PRESIDENT."
"I HAVE OPINIONS OF MY OWN -- STRONG OPINIONS --BUT I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE WITH THEM.
"OUR PRIORITIES IS OUR FAITH."
"KEEP GOOD RELATIONS WITH THE GRECIANS."
HE [BUSH] RECALLED THE LAST TIME HE WAS IN FLORIDA, ON THE MORNING OF SEPT. 11, AND WHAT WENT THROUGH HIS MIND WHEN THE FIRST PLANE HIT NEW YORK'S WORLD TRADE CENTER: "I USED TO FLY MYSELF, AND I SAID, 'WELL, THERE'S ONE TERRIBLE PILOT.'"
--ASSOCIATED PRESS, DEC. 4, 2001
"I DON'T THINK THAT WITCHCRAFT IS A RELIGION. I WISH THE MILITARY WOULD RETHINK THIS DECISION." - TO ABC NEWS, JUNE 1999, REGARDING FT. HOOD'S DECISION TO ALLOW WICCAN RITUALS
"I AM MINDFUL NOT ONLY OF PRESERVING EXECUTIVE POWERS FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR PREDECESSORS AS WELL." - JAN. 29, 2001
"MY PRO-LIFE POSITION IS I BELIEVE THERE'S LIFE. IT'S NOT NECESSARILY BASED IN RELIGION. I THINK THERE'S A LIFE THERE, THEREFORE THE NOTION OF LIFE, LIBERTY AND PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS." - JAN. 23, 2001
"REDEFINING THE ROLE OF THE UNITED STATES FROM ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE TO ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE FROM PEACEKEEPERS IS GOING TO BE AN ASSIGNMENT." - JAN. 14, 2001
"THE CALIFORNIA CRUNCH REALLY IS THE RESULT OF NOT ENOUGH POWER-GENERATING PLANTS AND THEN NOT ENOUGH POWER TO POWER THE POWER OF GENERATING PLANTS." - JAN. 14, 2001
"I HOPE THE AMBITIOUS REALIZE THAT THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED WITH SUCCESS AS OPPOSED TO FAILURE." - JAN. 18, 2001
"SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE ANTHONY GETS A GOOD MEAL-ANTONIO."-ON LAURA BUSH INVITING JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA TO DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE. - JAN. 14, 2001
"I AM MINDFUL OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH. I ASSURED ALL FOUR OF THESE LEADERS THAT I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, AND THAT DIFFERENCE IS THEY PASS THE LAWS AND I EXECUTE THEM." - DEC. 18, 2000
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM." - NOV. 2, 2000
"I MEAN, THERE NEEDS TO BE A WHOLESALE EFFORT AGAINST RACIAL PROFILING, WHICH IS ILLITERATE CHILDREN." - OCT. 11, 2000
"I DO KNOW I'M READY FOR THE JOB. AND, IF NOT, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GOES." - AUG. 21, 2000
"I KNOW THE HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY." - SEP. 29, 2000
"I WILL HAVE A FOREIGN-HANDED FOREIGN POLICY." - SEP. 27, 2000
"I THINK WE OUGHT TO RAISE THE AGE AT WHICH JUVENILES CAN HAVE A GUN."
"FAMILIES IS WHERE OUR NATION FINDS HOPE, WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAM." - OCT. 18, 2000
"THE WOMAN WHO KNEW THAT I HAD DYSLEXIA--I NEVER INTERVIEWED HER." - SEPT. 15, 2000
"WE CANNOT LET TERRIERS AND ROGUE NATIONS HOLD THIS NATION HOSTILE" - SEP. 9, 2000
"IF MOST OF THE BREAKS GO TO WEALTHY PEOPLE IT'S BECAUSE MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO PAY TAXES ARE WEALTHY."
"I DON'T NEED TO BE SUBLIMINABABLE" - SEP. 12, 2000
"FAMILIES IS WHERE OUR NATION FINDS HOPE, WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAM." -GEORGE W. BUSH, IN OCT.. 2000
"I CALL UPON ALL NATIONS TO DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STOP THESE TERRORIST KILLERS. THANK YOU. NOW WATCH THIS DRIVE."
--AUGUST 4, 2002, ON VIOLENCE IN THE MIDDLE EAST... AND HIS GOLF GAME
"I KNOW THAT HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY." --GEORGE W. BUSH, SEPT. 29, 2000
George W Bush's Resume
BUSH SR.
"IT'S NO EXAGGERATION TO SAY THAT THE UNDECIDEDS COULD GO ONE WAY OR ANOTHER."
"IF IGNORANCE GOES TO FORTY DOLLARS A BARREL, I WANT DRILLING RIGHTS TO GEORGE BUSH'S HEAD." -JIM HIGHTOWER, FORMER TEXAS COMMISSIONER OF AGRICULTURE, REFERRING TO THE ELDER BUSH
I'M CONSERVATIVE, BUT I'M NOT A NUT ABOUT IT.
"FOR SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS I'VE WORKED ALONGSIDE PRESIDENT REAGAN. WE'VE HAD TRIUMPHS. MADE SOME MISTAKES. WE'VE HAD SOME SEX...UH...SETBACKS."
-GEORGE H.W. BUSH IN 1988
"WHEN I NEED A LITTLE ADVICE ABOUT SADDAM HUSSEIN, I TURN TO COUNTRY MUSIC." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1991
" "YOU CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF YOU DON'T HAVE FAITH. REMEMBER LINCOLN, GOING TO HIS KNEES IN TIMES OF TRIAL AND THE CIVIL WAR AND ALL THAT STUFF. YOU CAN'T BE. AND WE ARE BLESSED. SO DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR - DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA."
--1/15/92
"HIGH TECH IS POTENT, PRECISE, AND IN THE END, UNBEATABLE. THE TRUTH IS, IT REMINDS A LOT OF PEOPLE OF THE WAY I PITCH HORSESHOES. WOULD YOU BELIEVE SOME OF THE PEOPLE? WOULD YOU BELIEVE OUR DOG? LOOK, I WANT TO GIVE THE HIGH-FIVE SYMBOL TO HIGH TECH." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1989
"IF A FROG HAD WINGS, HE WOULDN'T HIT HIS TAIL ON THE GROUND. TOO HYPOTHETICAL." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1992
"TO KIND OF SUDDENLY TRY TO GET MY HAIR COLORED, AND DANCE UP AND DOWN IN A MINISKIRT OR DO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, SHOW THAT I'VE GOT A LOT OF JAZZ OUT THERE AND DROP A BUNCH OF ONE-LINERS, I'M RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES...I KIND OF THINK I'M A SCINTILLATING KIND OF FELLOW." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1988
"PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO DO THAT"IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT CARIBOU, TAKE A LOOK AT THE ARGUMENTS THAT WERE USED ABOUT THE PIPELINE. THEY'D SAY THE CARIBOU WOULD BE EXTINCT. YOU'VE GOT TO SHAKE THEM AWAY WITH A STICK. THEY'RE ALL MAKING LOVE LYING UP AGAINST THE PIPELINE AND YOU GOT THOUSANDS OF CARIBOU UP THERE." --GEORGE BUSH SR., SPEAKING ABOUT THE ALASKAN PIPELINE, OCT. 31, 1991 WHICH I'VE JUST SAID I'M NOT GOING TO DO, BECAUSE YOU'RE BURNING UP TIME. THE METER IS RUNNING THROUGH THE SAND ON YOU, AND I AM NOW FILIBUSTERING." --GEORGE BUSH SR., APRIL 20, 1989
"FLUENCY IN ENGLISH IS SOMETHING THAT I'M OFTEN NOT ACCUSED OF." --GEORGE BUSH SR., JUNE 6, 1989
"I'VE BEEN TALKING THE SAME WAY FOR YEARS, SO IT CAN'T BE THAT SERIOUS." --GEORGE BUSH SR., AUG. 7, 1988
DAN
"WELCOME TO PRESIDENT BUSH, MRS. BUSH, AND MY FELLOW ASTRONAUTS."
"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST-EDUCATED AMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD." 9/21/88
"WE HAVE A FIRM COMMITMENT TO NATO, WE ARE A 'PART' OF NATO. WE HAVE A FIRM COMMITMENT TO EUROPE. WE ARE A 'PART' OF EUROPE."
"THE HOLOCAUST WAS AN OBSCENE PERIOD IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY. I MEAN IN THIS CENTURY'S HISTORY. BUT WE ALL LIVED IN THIS CENTURY. I DIDN'T LIVE IN THIS CENTURY." 15/9/88
"QUITE FRANKLY, TEACHERS ARE THE ONLY PROFESSION THAT TEACH OUR CHILDREN." 18/9/90
"WE EXPECT THE SALVADOREAN OFFICIALS TO WORK TOWARDS THE EXTREMINATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS."
DAN QUAYLE.
"WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO HAVE LOST ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND AT ALL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." -- SPEAKING TO THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD."
"YOU ALL LOOK LIKE HAPPY CAMPERS TO ME. HAPPY CAMPERS YOU ARE, HAPPY CAMPERS YOU HAVE BEEN, AND, AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, HAPPY CAMPERS YOU WILL ALWAYS BE." -- TO THE AMERICAN SAMOANS
"I BELIEVE WE ARE ON AN IRREVERSIBLE TREND TOWARD MORE FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY - BUT THAT COULD CHANGE."
"IF WE DO NOT SUCCEED, THEN WE RUN THE RISK OF FAILURE." -- QUOTED IN THE PHOENIX REPUBLICAN FORUM, MARCH 1990
"VERBOSITY LEADS TO UNCLEAR, INARTICULATE THINGS."
"I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGEMENTS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGEMENTS IN THE FUTURE."
"I STAND BY ALL THE MISSTATEMENTS THAT I'VE MADE."
"THE OTHER DAY [THE PRESIDENT] SAID, I KNOW YOU'VE HAD SOME ROUGH TIMES, AND I WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL SHOW THE NATION WHAT FAITH THAT I HAVE IN YOU, IN YOUR MATURITY AND SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY. (HE PAUSED, THEN SAID) WOULD YOU LIKE A PUPPY?" -- (LA TIMES 5/21/89)
"MY FRIENDS, NO MATTER HOW ROUGH THE ROAD MAY BE, WE CAN AND WE WILL, NEVER, NEVER SURRENDER TO WHAT IS RIGHT." -- IN A SPEECH TO THE CHRISTIAN COALITION
"I DESERVE RESPECT FOR THE THINGS I DID NOT DO."
"I FEEL THAT THIS [1981] IS MY FIRST YEAR, THAT NEXT YEAR IS AN ELECTION YEAR, THAT THE THIRD YEAR IS THE MID POINT AND THAT THE FOURTH YEAR IS THE LAST CHANCE I'LL HAVE TO MAKE A RECORD SINCE THE LAST TWO YEARS, I'LL BE A CANDIDATE AGAIN. EVERYTHING I DO IN THOSE LAST TWO YEARS WILL BE POSTURING FOR THE ELECTION. BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT."
"THIS PRESIDENT IS GOING TO LEAD US OUT OF THIS RECOVERY." -- AT A CAMPAIGN STOP IN CALIFORNIA AND AND THEN AT CA STATE UNIVERSITY, FRESNO (THE QUAYLE QUARTERLY, SPRING/SUMMER 1992)
"WE ARE READY FOR ANY UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY."
"[THE U.S. VICTORY IN GULF WAR WAS A] STIRRING VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF AGGRESSION."
"THE BEST THING ABOUT RAIN FORESTS IS THEY NEVER SUFFER FROM DROUGHT."
"THE GLOBAL IMPORTANCE OF THE MIDDLE EAST IS THAT IT KEEPS THE NEAR EAST AND THE FAR EAST FROM ENCROACHING ON EACH OTHER."
"OUR PARTY HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF FOOLING THE PUBLIC BY CALLING TAX INCREASES 'REVENUE ENHANCEMENT.' NOT SO. NO ONE WAS FOOLED."
"PEOPLE ARE NOT HOMELESS IF THEY'RE SLEEPING IN THE STREETS OF THEIR OWN HOMETOWNS."
"REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF ABANDONING THE POOR. IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND. THEY NEVER VOTE FOR US."
"BANK FAILURES ARE CAUSED BY DEPOSITORS WHO DON'T DEPOSIT ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER LOSSES DUE TO MISMANAGEMENT."
"AIR TRAVEL EFFICIENCY WOULD IMPROVE IF MORE TRAVELERS STARTED GOING TO LESS POPULAR PLACES."
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA, I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY." 5/9/90
"HAWAII IS A UNIQUE STATE. IT IS A SMALL STATE. IT IS A STATE THAT IS BY ITSELF. IT IS A --IT IS DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER 49 STATES. WELL, ALL STATES ARE DIFFERENT, BUT IT'S GOT A PARTICULARLY UNIQUE SITUATION."
-DAN QUALYE
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
-BOB DOLE
"I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE DEFICIT. IT IS BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF ITSELF." -RONALD REAGAN
"WELL, I LEARNED A LOT....I WENT DOWN TO (LATIN AMERICA) TO FIND OUT FROM THEM AND (LEARN) THEIR VIEWS. YOU'D BE SURPRISED. THEY'RE ALL INDIVIDUAL COUNTRIES" -RONALD
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER.
"I THINK GAY MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN." -ARNOLD
"THE C**K ISN'T A MUSCLE SO IT DOESN'T GROW IN RELATION TO THE SHOULDERS, SAY, OR THE PECTORALS. YOU CAN'T MAKE IT BIGGER THROUGH EXERCISE, THAT'S FOR SURE." -ARNOLD
"THE PUBLIC DOESN'T CARE ABOUT FIGURES." -ARNOLD
"NIXON WAS ALWAYS BEING ATTACKED SEXUALLY. IT WAS ALWAYS SAID THAT HE WAS A FAG AND THAT HE HAD NO SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HIS WIFE FOR 15 YEARS AND THAT WAS WHY HE LIKED POWER. AND HITLER HAD ONLY ONE BALL, AND THAT WAS WHY HE WANTED TO CONQUER THE WORLD." - ARNOLD
KruizinKombi ·
One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000.
Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?”
The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.
The old lady said to him: “Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”.
“No problem” said the president.
That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.
The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them.
“Of course please do!”, said the president, given the fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”
The lady, smiling, started to do so..
The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady “What is he doing?”
She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 AM today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in the palm of my hands!”
Oasis ·
Irish Toast
> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
> of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at
> the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his
> wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
> She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
> beside me wife."
> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street
> corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
> other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself you know.
> He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep,
> and
> the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
>
amazer ·
This is a translation of a letter which claims to be copy of
a letter sent by a young Croatian man to the Croatian
Secretary of Defense to avoid military service. An
extraordinary piece of reasoning, worthy of attention of
anyone interested in logic, genealogy and other related
matters.
Dear Minister of Defense,
Please allow me to explain my situation in a hope that you
will be Able to resolve my case.
I am expecting to get the call to serve in the Croatian Army.
I am 23 and I married a 47 year old widow who has a 26 year
old daughter. Her daughter subsequently married my father. By
marrying my wife's daughter, my father became my son-in-law.
In the same time, my wife is a mother-in-law of my father,
and her daughter is now also my step-mother.
In September my wife and I got a son. Clearly this child is a
brother of my father's wife, and thus a brother-in-law of my
father. In the same time, my son is also my uncle because he
is a brother of my step-mother.
In October my father's wife got a son as well. This child is
now also My brother because he is a son of my father. But I
am the step-father of My wife's daughter and also a brother
of her son whose father is also my father. Thus, my father's
son is also my step-grand son because he is a son of my
wife's daughter. Consequently, I am a brother of my own step-
grandson, so I am also my own step-grand father.
However, according to the law, not more then two consecutive
Generations of fathers and sons (grand-father, father, son)
can be called for military duty simultaneously, so I should
be relieved from the Military duty.
Thank you for your understanding.
theverybigtallman ·
haha amazer. it remind me of this...
> > Many years ago
> > when I was twenty three,
> > I got married to a widow
> > who was pretty as could be
> >
> > this widow had a daughter
> > Who had hair of red.
> > My father fell in love with her.
> > And soon the pair were wed.
> >
> > This made my dad my son-in law
> > And changed my very life.
> > My daughter was my mother,
> > For she was my fathers wife.
> >
> > To complicate matters worse
> > Although it brought me joy,
> > I soon became the father
> > Of a bouncing baby boy.
> >
> > My little baby then became
> > A brother-in-law to dad.
> > And so became my uncle,
> > Though it made me very sad.
> >
> > For if he was my uncle,
> > Then that also made him brother
> > To the widows's grown up daughter
> > Who of course, was my step mother.
> >
> > Father's wife then had a son,
> > Who kept them on the run.
> > And he became my grandson,
> > For he was my daughter's son.
> >
> > My wife is now my mother's mum
> > And it surely makes me blue.
> > Because, although she is my wife,
> > She is my grandma too.
> >
> > If my wife is my grandmother,
> > Then I am her grandchild.
> > And every time I think of it,
> > It simply drives me wild.
> >
> > For now I have become
> > The strangest case you ever saw.
> > As the husband of my grandmother,
> > I am my own grandpa!
does this actually work?
amazer ·
Both tales remind me very much of my inlaws family. They are so mixed up that I cant even explain it without a pen and paper and then theres so many lines it looks like a bowl of spaghetti. Its my favourite tale to tell when drunk, takes many drink coasters put together.
Yours is actually a song. Not sure if he is original artist, but I have a version by Ray Stevens. The last bit...
I'm my own Grandpa
I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny I know
but it really is so
oh my own grandpa
repeats till fade.
Oasis ·
Subject: Inventions
Arthur Davidson the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to His Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it,
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
buzzbug ·
So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm
bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poo"
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
and the best one .
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ......
You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."
buzzbug ·
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
buzzbug ·
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
buzzbug ·
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
buzzbug ·
Funny IRC conversation.......
Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly
we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there,
and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
buzzbug ·
I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
buzzbug ·
once upon a midnight dreary, while i porn surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
buzzbug ·
so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
whatd u think they'd say?
something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
buzzbug ·
I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
It said my password wasn't long enough. 🙁
buzzbug ·
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
amazer ·
If you've been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that's just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse.
Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: "In addition to freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so they can drive around in 'sport utility' vehicles the size of minor planets."
And don't let any so-called "economists" try to tell you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do. Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in foreign units called "kilometers," plus they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the "franc," the "lira" and the "doubloon." So in fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they are paying.
But here in the U.S. we are definitely getting messed over, and the question is: What are we going to do about it? Step one, of course, is to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They
have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we'd probably win several hundred billion dollars.
But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this problem, we must understand how the oil business works. Like most Americans, you probably think that gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Haha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from tanks located UNDER the gas station.
These tanks are connected to underground pipelines, which carry large oil tankers filled with oil from the Middle East. But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the first place? To answer that question, we must go back millions of years, to an era that geologists call the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the Earth, eating everything that stood in their path, except for broccoli, which they hated.
And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway asteroid, believed by scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late Orson Welles, slammed into the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad luck all happened to be standing right where it landed. The massive impact turned the dinosaurs, via a process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in turn was gradually covered by a layer of people who hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed.
For many years, the Middle East was content to supply the United States with as much oil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices. But then the major oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait and Texas -- got all snotty and formed an organization called OPEC, which stands for "North Atlantic Treaty Organization." In the 1970s, OPEC decided to raise prices, and soon the United States was caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era. It was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or wedding reception without being ordered onto the dance floor to learn "The Hustle."
At the same time, we also had an oil crisis, which was caused by the fact that every motorist in the United States was determined to keep his or her automobile gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as your gas gauge dropped from "Full" to "Fifteen-sixteenths," you'd rush to a gas station and get in a huge line with hundreds of other motorists who also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot of people, including me, saved on heating oil by buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to
transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room filled with kerosene fumes. Buying gas and dancing "The Hustle" with people who smelled like kerosene: That was the '70s
So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time we got rid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the same fuel economy as the Pentagon. Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation?
Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, "Jurassic Park" and
"Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot." Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if he is available, Michael Moore.
If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication dosage, then write to your congressperson. Do it now! That way you'll be busy when I siphon your tank.
Oasis ·
A guy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the
dentist says, "That tooth has to come out.
I'm going to give you a
Shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The guy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I hate needles and having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The guy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple
of days.
I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water,
"Here,"he says. "Take this pill."
The guy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The guy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"
No," replies the dentist,
"but it will give you something to hold on
to while I pull the tooth."
Oasis ·
Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that
she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking
that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out his old
Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss
the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,she
called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the
heart would be on a woman. The doctor told her that her heart would
be just below her left breast. Later that night, Mildred was
admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Oasis ·
NOAH 2005
>
> In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was
> now living in
> Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has
> become wicked and
> over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before
> me. Build another
> Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
> few good humans."
>
> He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six
> months to build the
> Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40
> days and 40 nights".
>
> Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
> weeping in his
> yard.... but no ark.
>
> "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
> Where is the Ark?"
>
> "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have
> changed.
>
> I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with
> the inspector about the need
> for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that
> I've violated the neighbourhood
> zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
> exceeding the height limitations.
>
> We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
>
> Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be
> posted for the
> future costs of moving power lines and other
> overhead obstructions,
> to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
>
> I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but
> they would hear
> nothing of it.
>
> Getting the wood was another problem.
> There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to
> save the spotted owl.
> I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
> needed the wood to
> save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering
> the animals,
> I got sued by an animal rights group.
>
> They insisted that I was confining wild animals
> against their will.
>
> As well, they argued the accommodation was too
> restrictive and it was
> cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
> confined space.
> Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
> until they'd
> conducted an environmental impact study on your
> proposed flood.
> I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
> Human Rights
> Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to
> hire for my building crew.
>
> Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons.
> They insist I have to hire only Union
> workers with Ark building experience. To make
> matters worse, the Tax Office seized all
> my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country
> illegally with endangered species.
>
> So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten
> years for me to finish this Ark."
>
> Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
> and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
>
> Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean,
> You're not going to destroy the world?".
>
> "No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
Special Air Service ·
buzzbug wrote:I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
It said my password wasn't long enough. 🙁
Had you tried "Brendans Penis" you would have had no problems.
Oasis ·
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The oyster shucker shucks between fits.
Oasis ·
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year and decided to get married. There
was only one thing bothering me- her beautiful younger
sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two,wore very tight miniskirts
and
went bra-less. One day she called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she
had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn' t overcome. She said she
wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister. Of
course I was totally shocked and couldn' t say a word. She said I'm
going
upstairs to my bedroom now, and if you want one last wild fling,come up
and join me. I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top
she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for
a moment,and then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door
to my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me
and said We're so happy that you' ve passed our little test. We couldn'
t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Oasis ·
What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman??
The bad marksman shoots and shoots and never hits....
Oasis ·
No nipples.........
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, thedoctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find noproblems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor.
"I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "How many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called .."
"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"
amazer ·
*groan* gee thats bad
fetid_swamp ·
to resurect this all time great topic...
one of my all time favs... and it came from Hbbear many pages earlier...
SICK BUT GOOD....
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno never found the head."
zac_smits ·
ahh yeh..that's a classic..you can never forget that one..
zac_smits ·
Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average desser tportion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamiclaw, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!
zac_smits ·
GOD LOVES BLONDES ANYWAY
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate and she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if Idon't get some money, I'm going to lose my house, as well.
Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car, as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays.
"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time, so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with me on this... Buy a ticket."
Da Wiz ·
For those that need to learn how to dance... bust-a-move...
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
zac_smits ·
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
zac_smits ·
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!
zac_smits ·
Here's another one.
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
************************************************
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is
written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call husband to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand break
Oasis ·
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful!
Ready?
Begin....
You're in Florida...
In Miami, to be exact...
There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
This is a flood of major proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some are disappearing under the water. Nature is showing all its destructive fury.
You see a man in the water! He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly, you know who it is.......... it's George W Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever.
You have two options.
You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life.
You can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
Now, here's the question, (please give an honest answer).
|
|
|
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white ?
buzzbug ·
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!
It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him.
Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel.
The car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve.
Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town.
Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other...
"Look Mick, that's the as*h*le that got in the car when we were pushing it!"
zac_smits ·
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
zac_smits ·
zac_smits ·
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep,
dickhead."
The man returns: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
zac_smits ·
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink ? - Hu Flung Dung?
zac_smits ·
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he aproaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
56astro ·
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read ..
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the suglyisters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
amazer ·
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd
given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
buzzbug ·
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose."I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining,of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
to which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Oasis ·
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
_____
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
_____
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
_____
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
_____
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
_____
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
_____
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
_____
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
_____
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
_____
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
_____
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a ride!
buzzbug ·
how many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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wanna ride bikes?
zac_smits ·
A school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, " Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're sh*tting the bed ! ! !"
Oasis ·
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
> were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
> deep end.
>
> He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
>in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to
>his room.
>
> When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
> immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now
>considered Edna to be mentally stable.
>
> She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The
> good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
> rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient,
> you displayed sound mindedness.
>
> The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
> bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
> but he's dead.
>
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
> can I go home?
Oasis ·
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either
bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is
your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"Drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't fuck him."
zac_smits ·
Anger Management Solution No.1
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take itout on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an arsehole!" and hung up
I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with
an idea.
I called Arsehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34, Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works .
Oasis ·
You've probably seen this before.. john Cleese's letter to the US Government:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
jonjon86 ·
This stuff is great.
It will keep me going for days
Thanks guys and galls
Oasis ·
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And whats your wish, genie?” the husband said.
"Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? Thats amazing."
Oasis ·
YOUR NEW WORKPLACE AGREEMENT
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Death Clause
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if you can show that your death will not affect productivity.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustration's, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Oasis ·
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated; "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that
got 1,000 miles to the gallon!!!"
________________________________
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with
the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day!
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart
it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would
simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Oasis ·
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."
No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down, again.
Then came "Manic depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and
Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business
slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and sit down.
Would you like a coffee before we start?"
"Yes please, 2 sugars"
When she brought the coffee in, she asked blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too...you can really spread out!"
"Bath? Living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
She said.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus and this one was done on the lawn."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your
um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?
Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Oasis ·
Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
> >out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get
> >back into the dating world. Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but
> >doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I
> >have someone
for
> >you to meet."
> >
> >Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after
> >dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
> >mountains.
> >
> >Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands
nude
> >except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his
> >birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She
> >replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
> >but down there I
am
> >still in mourning."
> >
> >The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with
> >the
black
> >panties on and he is in his birthday suit... except that he has a
> >black condom over his erection.
> >
> >She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?"
> >
> >He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Oasis ·
New Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love
Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels
compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to
the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Oasis ·
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he
spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I will inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his
stepmother!
Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned
to his wife and asked, "What?"
Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me
to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a
mouse?"
Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, besides, it is in the Bible that the man
should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I don't believe that... show
me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
crewcabconnection ·
bump - it's still all funny
Oasis ·
Some days I hate being married.
While watching cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life
and death.
I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw it out the window and then
poured all my beer down the sink.
Oasis ·
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says:
" I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
wezley ·
A guy goes to visit a zoo,
but there was only a dog there,
it was a shitzu
Oasis ·
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "Why did you say that to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."
Oasis ·
A few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Oasis ·
Preparing to endorse a check, a proctologist pulls a rectal thermometer out of his
shirt pocket and tried to write with it. He looks up at the teller, pauses
for a moment, then realizing his mistake, says "Well, that's great...just
great... some asshole's got my pen."
Oasis ·
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour..........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
2xCondoms..................To be sure, to be sure
Oasis ·
Actual call centre conversations!!!!!
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to inquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
Oasis ·
I hate these hoax warnings, but this one is important!!!
Please send this to everyone on your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and say they are conducting a
survey and ask you to show them your bum, do not show them your bum.
This is a scam; They only want to see your bum.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
Oasis ·
Ah yes, Politics...
Oasis ·
A guy is sitting at the bar next to a lady.
The lady says "if you can guess my weight I will let you have sex with me".
The guys says "139 kilos you fat ugly mole",
The lady says , "ok, that’s close enough".
Oasis ·
>George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the
>devil has been waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says
>the devil.
>
>"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have
>to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three
>people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
>but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
>
>George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
>
>The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
>pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
>over and over.
>
>Such was his fate in hell; "No!" George said. "I don't think
>so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day."
>
>The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
>sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
>time after time after time.
>
>"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
>agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
>
>The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
>naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
>staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
>what she does best.
>
>George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
>"Yeah, I can handle this. The devil smiled and said; "Monica, you're
>free to go."
Oasis ·
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room only if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW,WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist..
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes and he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Men Never Listen!!!
KruizinKombi ·
CUSTOMER CREDIT CARD SERVICE
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service Charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to ANZ:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . .the part about her being dead?"
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69."
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Oasis ·
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:_You can stay single and be miserable, _or get married and wish you were dead.___At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,_"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" _"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:_"Husband Wanted". _Next day she received a hundred letters._They all said the same thing:_"You can have mine."___When a woman steals your husband,_there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.___A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished _.__A little boy asked his father, _"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"_Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."____A young son asked,_"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa _a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"_Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,_"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, _and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.____If you want your spouse to listen and_pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ___First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" _Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
" A Woman's Prayer:_Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death " ____AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!! ___Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. __So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." __The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
Oasis ·
>3-year-old Reese:
>"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
>Harold is His name.
>Amen."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A little boy was overheard praying:
>"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
>I'm having a real good time like I am."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>After the christening of his baby brother in
church,
>Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
>His father asked him three times what was wrong.
>Finally, the boy replied,
>"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
>and I wanted to stay with you guys."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
>the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
>She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
>Finally, she decided to go solo.
>I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
>right up to the end of the prayer:
>"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
>"but deliver us from E-mail.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>One particular four-year-old prayed,
>"And forgive us our trash baskets
>as we forgive those who put
trash in our baskets."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
>were on the way to church service,
>"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
>One bright little girl replied,
>"Because people are sleeping."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
>brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
>Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
>Finally, his big sister had had enough.
>"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
>"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
>Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
>"See those two men standing by the door?
>They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and
Ryan 3.
>The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
>Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
>"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
>'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
>Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
>"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A father was at the beach with his children
>when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
>grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
>where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
>"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
>"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
>The boy thought a moment and then said,
>"Did God throw him back down?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A wife invited some people to dinner.
>At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said,
>"Would you like to say the blessing?"
>"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
>"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
>The daughter bowed her head and said,
>"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Oasis ·
Very bloody funny
This is going around NY at the moment.
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in
the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever
want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or
anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had
WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.
I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, and I can
even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't
handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I
feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world
looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are
songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed.
I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that
you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping hat this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role
in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and
weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that,
and you would be correct.
I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your
friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there
is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you
to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could
have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of
my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.
Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses
are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes
peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus for work today, I
can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping
against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please
don't cut me off, I really don't
think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with
a load of whites is "a stupid thing";
Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar
wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that
morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent
removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him"
somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less
if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.
Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags
and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to
actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
person, they just think you're the average run of the mill
Cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child
porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some
B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's
seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the
taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the
Men's room.
The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the
young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last
Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it
happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you
do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching
sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
Oasis ·
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly
neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So
you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to
the woman. The
woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands
it back to the man
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
Oasis ·
Super 14 Quotes of the year - released for the finals weekend
"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Scott Hamilton
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Andy Ellis on University
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up
in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Robbie deans
Chris Jack on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit
to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
- Robbie Deans on Rueben Thorne
Kevin Senio, on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same,
just darker."
Robby Deans talking about Caleb Ralph "I told him, 'Son, what is it
with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'Robbie, I don't know and I don't care.'
Dan Carter when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season,
whichever comes first."
"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old , who turned 22 a few weeks ago"
(Murray Mexted)
"Robbie has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(Dan Carter)
"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run
of play."
(Murray Mexted)
"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they
scored."
(Phil Waugh)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Andy Ellis)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was
identical."
(Dan Carter)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Dan Carter)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of
them serious."
(Doc Mayhew)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again."
(Robby Deans)
"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but
there are none better."
(Murray Mexted)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat."
(Ewan McKenzie)
Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your
autobiography?"
Chris Jack: "On what ?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Murray Mexted)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the
air for even longer."
(Murray Mexted)
Oasis ·
Oldie but a goodie....
CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
> Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real
>
> sick.
>
> Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
>
>
>
> The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
>feel
> like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
>everything
> better and I go to work. You try that."
>
>
>
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
>feel
> great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."
mountainbug ·
A guy walks into a doctors surgery, and said, one morning a feel like a wig wam, the next i feel ilke a tee pee... Doctors response.. I think your to tents
Oasis ·
Subject: Why lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer
In a small Southern town during a trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand, sophisticated, elderly lady. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones...do you know me?".
She responded, "Why, yes I know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. Frankly, you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you very well".
Stunned and not knowing what else to do, the lawyer then pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you also know the defense attorney?".
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's a lazy bigot and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state! Not to mention that he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them being YOUR wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney's face blazed with red and he ducked his head in shame. At that point, the noble judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you two bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt!".
dak002 ·
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided
it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went
out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would
really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I
would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his
glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Joel ·
Stick Man Humour
-Joel
Oasis ·
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. Hecrawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looksto be
an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie. She is wearing an AUSTRALIAN
TAXATION OFFICE badge and a
dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her
pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a ATO auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my
wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." **POOF***
He is turned into a tampon!!
And, the moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Oasis ·
DUB74L LMAO!!
Oasis ·
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
buzzbug ·
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any
f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking
beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Oasis ·
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains
to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led
to
another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out
into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Several days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods
to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out
next
week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
he
claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him
And we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
his
hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent
the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was
in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out
of
him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on
it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Oasis ·
BLACK ROBBERS - True Story
>>>>By far the best email I've read so far.... For anyone who didn't
>>>>see David
>>>>Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story)
>>>>On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
>>>>quarters
>>>>at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
>>>>with her
>>>>husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash
>>>>the
>>>>quarters in her room.
>>>>"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband
>>>>and
>>>>carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about
>>>>to
>>>>walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both
>>>>were
>>>>black.
>>>>One of them was tall...very tall....and intimidating figure. The
>>>>woman
>>>>froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her
>>>>next
>>>>thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
>>>>gentlemen,
>>>>but racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered
>>>>and
>>>>ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but, gosh, they had
>>>>to know
>>>>what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
>>>>elevator was all too obvious now.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
>>>>mighty
>>>>effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
>>>>followed
>>>>with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
>>>>contact, she
>>>>turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they
>>>>closed. A
>>>>second passed, and the another second, and then another.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
>>>>God,
>>>>she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
>>>>plummeted.
>>>>Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,
>>>>"Hit the
>>>>floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of
>>>>quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on
>>>>the
>>>>elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She
>>>>heard
>>>>one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
>>>>floor
>>>>you're going to, we'll push the button."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
>>>>He was
>>>>trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her
>>>>head and
>>>>looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.
>>>>Confused, she
>>>>struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the
>>>>floor,"
>>>>said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
>>>>elevator
>>>>button for our floor.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke
>>>>genially. He
>>>>bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
>>>>laughing. The
>>>>woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She
>>>>was too
>>>>humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
>>>>words failed
>>>>her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
>>>>for
>>>>behaving as though they were going to rob you?
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the
>>>>strewn
>>>>quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at
>>>>her floor,
>>>>they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a
>>>>little
>>>>unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she mightn't make it
>>>>down the
>>>>corridor.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>At her door, they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her
>>>>room,
>>>>she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to
>>>>the
>>>>elevator.
>>>>The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and
>>>>went
>>>>downstairs for dinner with her husband.
>>>>
>>>>The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen
>>>>roses.
>>>>Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The card said:
>>>>" Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>It was signed; Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan
Oasis ·
The artist
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery in
>>Washington, D C, was staring at a portrait that had them completely
>>confused. The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men
>>sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one
>>in the middle had a pink penis.
>>
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
>>interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
>>nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
>>emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly
>>white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious
>>art critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and
>>sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary
>>society."
>>
After the curator left, an Irishman approached
the couple and said,
>>"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now
>>why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
>>gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the artist who painted
>>it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans
depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
>>
> The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Oasis ·
white rabbit
Oasis ·
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly
neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So
you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to
the woman. The
woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands
it back to the man
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
Oasis ·
It was the first day of school and a new student
named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar,
who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, in 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863"
said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more! about history than you do."
She (the teacher) heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?"
she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, in 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.
" The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, in
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, in 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, in 2001." The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh shit, we're f**ked!" And Chandrashekhar said quietly whispered,
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math's teacher."
Oasis ·
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely People, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you."Tray-up, Bitch."
Oasis ·
Doesn't anyone proof read anymore ???
HEADLINES OF 2005:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!! ]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Finally...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Oasis ·
Subject: Fw: Great news.
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breasts!
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
buzzbug ·
I hope you like this one Penguin..........
Military Language Conversion Chart
For your information!
NAVY - ARMY - AIR FORCE
Heads - Latrine - Powder Room
Rack - Bunk - Queen bed electric blanket & doona
Cafe / SCRAN Hall - Mess Hall / Mess Tent - Dining Facility
Pussers Cook - Mess Cook - Contract Chef
Brew - Coffee - Vanilla Skim Latte' with a bickie
Limers / Goffa - Cordial/Can'o'drink - Shirley Temple
W9's/Coveralls - BDUs /DPCUs - Casual Attire
Seaman - Private - Bobby / Jimmy
Chief - WO2 - Timothy / Justin
Captain / Skipper - Colone - Rupert / James
The Table(chooks) - Article 15 - Time Out
Mess/Onboard - Barracks - Self contained Apartment
Dirps/Trolleys - Underwear - Knickers
Thrown in the Brig - Put in Confinement - Grounded
W1's/ Ceremonials - Cero's -Bus Conductors Uniform
Lid / Cap - Beret/Head Gear - Optional
AFT Stores - PX (PX Trailer) - Westfields Shopping Mall
Hammered - Pissed - Oops / little tipsy.
Deployment/ Detachment - Deploy - Huh?
Runners - Athletic Shoes - Moccasin's
Die for your Country - Die for your Battle Buddy - Die for Air Conditioning
Shipmate/Oppo/Besty - Battle Buddy/digge - Honey/Babe/Pookie
Terminate / Contact - Take Out - Back on Base for Nuck Night
Boiler Boots - Jump Boots - Ugh Boots
Pussers Sandals - JC Sandals - Patent Leather Stelletos
SEAL - SAS - LIBRARIAN
Shore Patrol - MPs - Shaparone's
Oouh-Rah! - Hoo-ah! - Hip-Hip hurray! Jolly Good
Hot Packs - Rations - Al a Carte
Salute - Salute - Wave
Obstacle Course - Confidence Course - Typing Course
Parade Drill/Parade Ground - Drill Practice/Parade Field - What?
Canteen - Snack Bar - Happy meal
PFT - APFT -Smoko Ping Pong Comps
Chief Swain - RSM - OIC Cuddles
Midshipman - Cadet - Debutant
Jack Tar - AJ - RAAFY Chappy
Oasis ·
You know you're too old to gig when...
It becomes more important to find a place for your box fan, than
your amp.
You refuse to play out of tune.
Your fans have left by 10:30 PM.
All you want from groupies is a foot massage.
Your after show party is at Burger King.
You can't play more than 1 hour without taking a piss.
You use the elevator because you can sing along to most of your play
list.
You hire band mates for their values instead of their talent.
Instead of a fifth member, you want to hire a roady.
You lost the directions to the gig (which you got from Mapquest).
You need your glasses to adjust your amp.
You're thrilled to have New Year's off.
The waitress is your daughter.
You stop the set because your Ibuprofen fell behind the monitor.
Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
You no longer use a tip jar.
You refuse to play without earplugs.
Fat chicks are starting to look OK.
You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 10:30.
Your gig stool must have a back.
You're related to at least one of the band members.
You don't let anyone "sit in".
Your wife doesn't care what time you get home anymore.
During breaks you go lay down in the van.
You prefer a music stand with a light.
You sold your Les Paul because it's too heavy.
You can't get your Fender Twin Reverb out of your basement.
You can't play without a play list.
You have a contract.
Wild1 ·
What came after Napoleon's armies?
Napoleon's handies
pete wood ·
Oasis, I've been wearing earplugs during gigs for years. I find it's a good way of filtering out all those other distracting sounds....guitar, saxophone, piano, singers. 😀
BTW, this so true,
You can't get your Fender Twin Reverb out of your basement.
It takes a few years for all the youthful exercise and amphetamines to wear off, then you just can't lift the dang things anymore.
Am I the only one that just had to try it. Its mad. Attach some lego wheels and it flys outta sight....nice work.
Oasis ·
Subject: Tuesday tickle tempered with the female gender in mind lovingly
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Oasis ·
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "I need Help, I think I'm a moth!"
The doctor says, "You don't need me, you need to see a psychiatrist"
The man says, "I was on the way there but your light was on..."
Oasis ·
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
_dmb_ ·
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse"
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey this looks like yours"
...
"I don't remember much after that"
sinecure ·
Priest: "Mick, you have to give up your drinking, smoking, gambling and wicked ways"
Mick: "It's too late for me, Father"
Priest: "It's never too late, my son"
Mick: "Well then, there's no hurry, is there?"
buzzbug ·
Subject: Pilots and Maintenance crew
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the maintenance solutions recorded
(marked with an M) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.
(Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs, and for
all of us who recognise that a degree does not confer common sense, or the ability to communicate
effectively.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ..................
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Joel ·
The new partner shops
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at theentrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and theattributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely goodlooking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous andhelp with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: . Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.....
Oasis ·
Subject: Tuesday tickle tempered with the female gender in mind lovingly
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Oasis ·
>>I thought you might get a little chuckle out of this
>>>>
>>>> THE LIFE OF AN ITALIAN CHILD.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every
>>>>day for an
>>>> >entire year after a funeral.
>>>> >
>>>> >You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for
>>>>lunch was
>>>> >pronounced "sangwich."
>>>> >
>>>> >Your family dog understood Italian.
>>>> >
>>>> >Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting
>>>>your
>>>> >grandparents and extended family.
>>>> >
>>>> >You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into
>>>>50 square
>>>>feet
>>>> >of yard during a family cookout.
>>>> >
>>>> >You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat
>>>>three meals
>>>>day,
>>>> >not seven.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought killing the pig each year and having salami,
>>>>capacollo,
>>>> >pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed
>>>>ceiling was
>>>> >absolutely normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and
>>>>every
>>>>Sunday.
>>>> >
>>>> >You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price
>>>>and that
>>>>the
>>>> >price of everything was negotiable through haggling.
>>>> >
>>>> >You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the
>>>>ankles.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your mum's main hobby is cleaning.
>>>> >
>>>> >You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in
>>>>stores.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought that everyone made their own bottled tomato
>>>>sauce.
>>>> >
>>>> >You never knew what to expect when you opened the margarine,
>>>>after all
>>>>you
>>>> >thought washing out and reusing margarine containers was
>>>>normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that
>>>>matter.
>>>> >
>>>> >You ate your salad after the main course.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread
>>>>in your
>>>>left
>>>> >hand.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your grandmother never threw anything away, you thought
>>>>seeing washed
>>>> >plastic bags hanging on the clothes line was normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You learned to play scopa before you went to school.
>>>> >
>>>> >You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.
>>>> >
>>>> >All of your uncles fought in a World War.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe
>>>>or Louie.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have relatives you don't speak to.
>>>> >
>>>> >You drank wine before you were a teenager.
>>>> >
>>>> >You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the
>>>>Sopranos.
>>>> >
>>>> >You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch
>>>>of dirt
>>>>that
>>>> >didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on
>>>>plastic.
>>>> >Wait! You were sitting on plastic.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought that talking loud was normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at
>>>>all
>>>>weddings.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money
>>>>stuffed in
>>>>their
>>>> >pockets by their relatives.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family
>>>>no matter
>>>>what
>>>> >their age.
>>>> >
>>>> >There was a crucifix in every room of the house, including
>>>>the cellar.
>>>> >
>>>> >Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work.
>>>> >
>>>> >You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your
>>>>father. (oh,
>>>>and
>>>> >he has to be Italian)
>>>> >
>>>> >You know what granita is.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your Christmas tree was silver.
>>>> >
>>>> >You called pasta macaroni.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least one irrational fear or phobia that can be
>>>>attributed
>>>>to
>>>> >your mother.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your father is either a gardener, builder or mechanic.
>>>> >
>>>> >You dreaded taking out your lunch at school, you would pray
>>>>that you
Oasis ·
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store,
and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said,
"Did you see the guy that did it?" She said,
"No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said,
"No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag
over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons
to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss
in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,
when I was born the Dr. slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Go omba.
He asked if I had this before? I said yes.
He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window
and got arrested for mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear
the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook,
in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.
Oasis ·
These were on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the responses of the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattle snake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Oasis ·
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to
all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady
a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her,but down at the end
of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed " Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to
the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Paddy, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Oasis ·
THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2005:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[ That'll stop 'em. ]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!! ]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Oasis ·
First American to grasp irony!
No offence to those US people out there!
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said: "Hey, great weather."
buzzbug ·
50,000 Collingwood Fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not
stupid" Convention.
Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to all of Australia that
Collingwood Fans are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer."
Chris Tarrant gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to
the
stage.
Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Chris says, "Eighteen!".
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 50,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER
CHANCE!
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of
you
in one place and we have the Australian press and broadcast media here,
I
think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh
everyone is disheartened.
Chris starts crying and the 50,000 Collingwood Fans begin to yell and
wave
their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER
CHANCE!"
Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,
eventually
says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance.
What is two plus two?" Chris closes his eyes, and after a whole minute
eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000
Collingwood
fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and
scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Oasis ·
Surgeon General's new warning
The Centre for Disease Control have issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behaviour. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
This disease also travelled to Australia and mutated into what is known here as Jaundice E2, pronounced 'john does it too' which also makes you turn yellow and lie constantly to avoid accountability and responsibility and just do whatever you like. It is most prevalent in Canberra and the Australian Capital Territory though it has far ranging effects across the continent. It is especially dangerous to Indigenous populations, migrants, workers and treasurers.
amazeer ·
A Teacher was doing a taste test study for Lifesavers. She gave each of her first-graders the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
Red taste like, cherry
Yellow taste like, lemon
Green taste like lime
Orange taste like, orange
After the first test of the fruit flavored Lifesavers, the Teacher gave them an all new honey flavored Lifesaver. After sucking on them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. Well, She said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may call your father sometimes.
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled out..................
QUICK! everybody spit them out - they're assholes!
Bizarre ·
Aussie Computer Speak
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonalds.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
The_Bronze. ·
Subject: Good, better, best
GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot
to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the
problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted
sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his c ar speeding through an automated
radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State
Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He
replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed
his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to
start her car.
amazeer ·
I was in Coles buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
amazeer ·
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and
shouted into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled
the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F***ING
talking to, you F***ING idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly
"Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone
amazeer ·
As you may already know, famous 70's Rock Star Ted (the Sledge) Nugent owns
a large wild game ranch in Michigan and is an avid hunter.........
Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked "What
do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it?
Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it "Are you the one who killed my
brother?~"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care
about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and
can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in
that way."
Oasis ·
Subject: Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such a interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."! At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral for women: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt.
[ Edited on 30-8-2006 by Oasis ]
amazeer ·
Midlife crisis
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa
bed.
Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life
crisis ..............
Wild1 ·
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is
produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body
to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head
before it starves to
death!
(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a
hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to
its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping
the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality
over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than
left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Oasis ·
ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and
AFL stands for Australian Football League
Does the following apply to the ARL OR AFL?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse,
7 have been arrested for fraud,
19 have been accused of writing bad checks,
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses,
3 have done time for assault,
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad
credit,
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last
year,
Can you guess which organization this is?
Neither, it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN
FEDERAL PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA!
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of
new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in
line.
ColumBUS ·
>>... geez, I'm not breaking this one!
>>
>>A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid
>>schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send
>>this e-mail to 9 of your Friends
>>
>>INSTRUCTIONS.
>>
>>Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget
>>some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the
>>top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list,
>>and you will receive
>>823,542 women through the post.
>>
>>Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
>>
>>0.5 Miss Worlds
>>
>>2.5 Models
>>
>>463 Wild nymphos
>>
>>3,234 Good-looking nymphos
>>
>>20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
>>
>>40,198 Bi-sexual women.
>>
>>In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
>>inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And,
>>best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of
>>those that come back at you.
>>
>>DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
>>
>>One bloke for example who sent a letter to only 5 instead of 9 of
>>his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing
>>gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
>>accusatorial _expression on her face. On the same day, the
>>international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off
>>his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom
>>he had not sent the chain letter).
>>
>>While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place
>>above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital
>>suffering from exhaustion.
>>
>>Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
>>
>>YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL. This is a unique opportunity to
>>achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no
>>lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest
>>women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant
>>surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send
>>this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
>>
>>P.S. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum
>>cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use
>>it.
>>
>>P.P.S. - This chain letter can also be copied to women you know so
>>that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure they may
>>soon undertake.
Oasis ·
If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, his point of view may tickle you a bit. He is a famous and erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
To say the least, his mind sees things differently than most of us.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
8 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
10 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
11 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
13 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
14 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
15 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
16 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
17 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
20 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
22 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
24 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
25 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
26 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
27 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
28 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
Oasis ·
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from
Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputy's expense.
Deputy says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the
deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap
out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
amazeer ·
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-Kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-U-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through every channel every 5 minutes
amazeer ·
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and
the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My god!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
Oasis ·
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with
us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was
a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck,"
so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking
Chihuahua?!"
amazeer ·
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to
good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone
stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!
====================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???" They Walk among us!!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the
call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!!!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving". They Walk Among Us!!!!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They
Walk Among Us!!!!!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among
Us!!!!!!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head
is turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane
arrived yet?".. They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to
eat 6 pieces.
buzzbug ·
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.....
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence....
"Well, stop f**king doing it then.......!"
Oasis ·
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
ColumBUS ·
a Girls Diary VS Boys Diary...
GIRL:
Dear Diary;
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem to be himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't dollow me up, but later he did, and I was suprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think he was going to leave me, and that he had found somebody else.
I cried myself to sleep...
BOY:
Dear Diary;
Wallabies lost to New Zealand.
Had sex though.
Oasis ·
The 90 year old:
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...I have an
18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella
instead of this gun by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went
"bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "Well, of course, somebody else shot the beaver."
To which the doctor replied "My point exactly".
amazeer ·
A guy with one black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black
eyes - mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy replies, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue
twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this
gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts was there. So,
instead of saying I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I
accidentally said, I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh, so she
socked me a good one."
"Wow!" the first guy replied. "This is unbelievable. Mine was a
tongue twister too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to
say to my wife, please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey. But I
accidentally said, you've ruined my life you evil bitch!"
71EJVan ·
An Oldie but a goodie!
A Matter of Sex
possibly by Dave Barry
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts. They have a pretty good time. A few nights later, he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gosh, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Wow, six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward.... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a crummy garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Oh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to care about me, a person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl, romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty! I'll take their warranty and stick it....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have said ... Oh, I feel so...." She breaks down sobbing.
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight; I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine asks.
"No!" says Roger. He's glad he finally knows the correct answer.
"It's just that ... that ... I need some more time," Elaine says.
There is a long pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she asks.
"What way?" asks Roger.
"That way, about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn. Roger, in the meantime, gets back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure that there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with Elaine's brother, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Bill, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Oasis ·
That is f'n brilliant.
Oasis ·
An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.
The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the
typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.
But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two
wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.
The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his wishes.
With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to
his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before
> >> smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan
> >> thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given
> >> he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the
> >> wip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully
> >> endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
> >>
> >> The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under
> >> his breath about a bullshit penalty.
> >>
> >> "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40."
> >> There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan
are
> >> a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong
> >> fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany
> >> 2006.
> >>
> >> The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration -
> >> obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.
> >>
> >> The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.
> >> "Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.
Oasis ·
Old Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's is going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money-back.
Oasis ·
"There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't."
Oasis ·
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Oasis ·
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or Mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Joel ·
Oil Change instructions for women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
Oasis ·
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
____________ ___
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ ________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________ _________ _________ _________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
____________ ___ ______ _________ __
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________ _________ _________ _________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________ _________ _________ _________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sur e enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Oasis ·
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
he lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua ? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua ?
Oasis ·
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
*The first surgeon says:*
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
*The second responds: *
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color
coded."
*The third surgeon says:*
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is
in alphabetical order."
*The fourth surgeon chimes in:*
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over."
*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:*
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's
no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and
the ass are interchangeable."
Oasis ·
When I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home! I'll have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton you shirt".
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on you chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I get home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.
Oasis ·
The Bath Tub Test: It doesn't hurt to take a good, hard look at yourself from time to time, and this little test should help get you started.
During a visit to a local mental asylum, a visitor Asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be Institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub and then offer a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket to the Patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Oasis ·
A Queensland cow cockie was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.
The driver, a bloke in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bolle sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs,
"Why not?"
The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right." says the farmer.
"Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.
"Hey," muses the grazier, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?"
The man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.
"Wow! That's correct! But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle.
Now, give me back my bloody dog."
Oasis ·
Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape
a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh sh** t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Oasis ·
Afghani Women
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?
The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation said "Land mines."
Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.
Oasis ·
Slide Under The Table
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway
Majorly Busted
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"
Oasis ·
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
The disease is contracted through very dangerous and high-risk
behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced
"gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after
having been screwed for the past four years. Naturalists and
epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease
originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
buzzbug ·
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard..
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Oasis ·
Fantastic Buzz....
The Dangers Of Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties every now and then - just social thinking.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her Mum's.
I began to think on the job.
I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzy and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with my Manager. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as University lecturers, and University lecturers don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the car park with the ABC on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a Poster caught my eye, "Is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Border Security: Australia's Front Line." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed .... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I made the final step, and joined the Liberal Party.
Oasis ·
One Day In Faluijiah
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he
yelled back that George Bush is a good-for-nothing, illiterate, red neck,
turkey fucker!
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited
lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Condoleezza Rice!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us"
Oasis ·
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he
receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a
Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasised his disability, so
he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he
received another parcel:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.
The man is furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his
wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really
rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from
the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your back side and go as a
toffee apple
Oasis ·
Two guys in a bar
Two buddies, Hank and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Hank says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a
bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My
God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t o slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he
had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry
sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants too"
Joel ·
Teacher: "So, the 4 of you missed our test this morning because your car had a flat tyre. Is this correct?
Chester: "Yes, Mam. We had every intention of getting here in time for the test."
Teacher: "Ok, you can take the test right now. Please sit 2 rows apart and answer this one question: 'Which tyre was flat?'"
Oasis ·
A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow
afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another blonde was involved in a serious crash, there's
blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's
lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just
have to shout Warren, YER DINNER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW and
they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the blonde girl... "I just use their surnames"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
amazeer ·
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs
some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table
and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he
sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats
everything in sight, sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The
guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass
that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Oasis ·
If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of
2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington , D.C. , is 80.6 per 100,000 for the
same period.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in
the U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in
the nation, than you are in Iraq .
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington .
Oasis ·
As a teacher, Ms. Jones was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?", she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me & my twelve brothers & sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late & we put mince pies by the back door & hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed & wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys".
"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, me & my sister also go to Church with Mum & Dad and we sing carols & we get home ever so late. We put cookies & milk by the chimney & we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus', Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Oasis ·
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against
a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe..
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid
you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Joel ·
You know your a redneck when
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally: An East Texas couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and neither of them could speak Spanish.
IrishNorman ·
DUB74L wrote:You know your a redneck when
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally: An East Texas couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and neither of them could speak Spanish.
number 3 is just disturbing... :P
Joel ·
everything about rednecks is disturbing
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states
that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith........ the midget."
-Joel
Oasis ·
Amazing Italian
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in
the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off
on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing
his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his
pants
and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The
crowd
went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the
show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know
something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch
from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be".
Twokombies ·
An American decided to write a book
about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way
across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone
he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC,
Philadelphia, Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to
AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first
church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time
the sign under it read "40 cents per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest
about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've
seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it
is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per
call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered,
"You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!
Oasis ·
Very good :-)
Oasis ·
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted
with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "Me"
Oasis ·
He sits at the drums and the band leader says, "Can you play a samba pattern with your bass drum?"
The drummer obliges with a boob b boom samba pattern. The leader then asks "can you add a Mozambique cowbell pattern along with that with your right
hand?"
The drummer thinks "I can do that, no problem" and obliges, giving it his best Steve Gadd possible. He is then told, "Now add a 2-3 clave with your
left foot on hihat" ..The drummer's struggling a little but gets it happening . Next he hears "Now add a cascara pattern on the snare with your
left hand." Years of studying Gary Chester and listening to world music finally come to fruition and the relieved drummer finds he can play the
whole pattern with no problem.
Pleased with himself, he asks the band leader "So, do I get the job?
"No " says the bandleader "that's why we fired the last guy!!"
buzzbug ·
The priest in a small Irish village so loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant.
Has any body seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"..............
Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant.
What I really really mean is,
Has anybody seen MY cock?" ...............
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
buzzbug ·
Aussie generosity .
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Vietnam .
Two million Vietnamese have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The European community (except France ) is sending money.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Vietnamese.
God Bless Our Aussie generosity.
KruizinKombi ·
A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbour. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbour as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, your'e bringing it back!
"Actually no" said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Muslim over there." :-)
Poor "Little" Osama
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.
There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing! in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. !
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you up here. What did you think I said?"
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich
Golf Funnies
*** A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
______________
*** A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
______________
*** A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
______________
*** A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8--iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8--iron and puts his ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7--iron and dribbles the ball a few yards.
The young man says,"I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
______________
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
"We call it hitting 3"
______________
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5--iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know...five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
Two missionaries in Papua New Guinea get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
*****Heard on a Flight *****
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Whad’ya Get?
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What did he get?" "Fifteen years for theft."
Thoughts on Life
This was erroneously attributed to Andy Rooney. Nonetheless, it is worthwhile reading
1. My Thoughts on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
2. My Thoughts on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
3. My Thoughts on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
4. My Thoughts on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
5. My Thoughts on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
My Thoughts on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the love." BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the infectious disease clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
How to Get A Good Night Sleep
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "
Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
The End Is Near!
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
More Travel Funnies
1. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
2. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these stupid planes have numbers on them.
3. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
4. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
5. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted," Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Joel ·
Subject: australia is so dry that !!
>> Its sooooo dry in most of Australia that:.
>>> HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.
>>> If the England cricket team wasn't touring we'd never see ducks.
>>> The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
>>> We're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke
>>> You're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
>>> The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.
>>> Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.
>>> I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
>>> We are having to hand feed the rocking horse.
>>> Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard lie, it
was so they could walk to Australia.
>>> Everyone is now an expert - because you can't find anyone who is wet
behind the ears.
>>> All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.
>>> I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
>>> All the Baptists have become Anglicans.
>>> When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring her
around.
>>> I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
>>> All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.
>>> Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.
Oasis ·
Bill Clinton:
This comes from a black comedian on a Canadian TV show:
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now, Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this
week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he
is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's
finest leaders: integrity, vision and truthfulness.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the
truth that best suits me , the whole truth, as I want it to be and
nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes
KruizinKombi ·
I know we don't usually post pictures in this thread, but this one was too good to re-type. If this was in Australia, I'd ring him and see how far I could squeeze the price down - a potential bargain in the making! 😀
[ Edited on 20-2-2007 by KruizinKombi ]
Oasis ·
New Words for 2007
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking cr@p.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and
Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the cr@p out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -
needless
paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSH!T.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McSh!t with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in
your
bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
Got 4 buttocks.
Oasis ·
Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him,
"tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the
driveway, and took the box into the house.
She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors
buzzbug ·
Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer
the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and
demonstrated this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.
The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On
the Road Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.
Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great
awesome songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great
Stone's hits.
But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but
luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.
I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"
Guess what !!
Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ...."
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*
Oasis ·
Subject: Dentist
>>
>> A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
>> They get along so well that they decide to go to the
>> girl's place.
>> A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
>> washes his hands.
>> He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands
>> again.
>> The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be
>> a dentist."
>> The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure
>> that out?"
>> "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
>> One thing led to another and they make love.
>> After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a
>> good dentist."
>> The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a
>> good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
>> "Didn't feel a thing!"
>>
Oasis ·
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure
He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married. .
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was
a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there
was work to do.
AMEN
Oasis ·
DON'T TEASE OLD LADIES
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
----------------------------------------------
My first job was working in an orange juice factory ,but i got canned...couldnt concentrate.
Then i worked in the woods as a lumberjack , but i couldnt hack it, so they gave me the axe. next i tried working in a muffler factory ,but it was too exhausting .
I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway i sliced it , I couldnt cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician , but eventually i found i wasnt noteworthy enough .
Next was a job in a shoe factory ,i tried but i just didnt fit in .
I became a professional fisherman but discovered that i couldnt survive on my net income.
So then i got a job in a workout centre ,but they said i wasnt fit for the job .
Finally i got a job as a historian until i realized there was no future in it .
amazeer ·
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men develop female characteristics.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
rose ·
1.
I don't understand. After our last child was born, my wife told me we had
to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up
anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, get stuffed, that's what the beer was for!"
2.
While I was watching a football game last weekend, my wife and I got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some stupid machine and
taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
It's really tough being married to a smartarse......
[ Edited on 14-3-2007 by rose ]
KruizinKombi ·
THE 1ST AFFAIR: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary - we had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
THE 2ND AFFAIR: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
THE 3RD AFFAIR: A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
THE 4TH AFFAIR: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing."
THE 5TH AFFAIR: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
THE 6TH AFFAIR: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
amazeer ·
Q. Two Warilla-ites jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a Warilla girl use as protection during sex
A. A Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a Warilla Boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Warilla-ite cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a Warilla girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from Warilla on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Warilla quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Warilla Blokes in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. What do you say to a Warilla-ite with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.
Oasis ·
THE OBEDIENT WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my
money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
after
life with me." And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her
heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket
with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with
her, she
came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,"
Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him
that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account
and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Oasis ·
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
____________ ___
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ ________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________ _________ _________ _________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
____________ ___ ______ _________ __
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elder ly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________ _________ _________ _________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________ _________ _________ _________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
An swering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sur e enou gh, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US !!!
Oasis ·
New Right to Counsel for accused persons, amendments to take effect
immediately
NEW RIGHTS TO COUNSEL FOR ACCUSED PERSONS:
I am arresting you for_____________________(read the charge directly from the Criminal Code
It is my duty to inform you that you have the right to retain and instruct counsel without delay. You have the right to telephone any lawyer you wish. You also have the right to free advice from a Legal Aid Lawyer @ 1-800-265-0451.
It is my duty to ask you if you are feeling depressed about your current arrest. 1-800-265-0452 is a toll free number which will put you in contact with a duty psychologist for personal crisis counselling.
It is also my duty to ask you if all is well with your family and your pets at home. 1-800-265-0453 is a toll free number that will put you in touch with a duty veterinarian for free advice in relation to the health of your pets.
It is also my duty to ask how your vehicle is running? I have a list of reasonably priced mechanics who will inspect your vehicle at your convenience.
It is also my duty to ask if you are hungry at this time? If so, I will purchase something to eat for you at a restaurant of your choice because your welfare is my highest priority.
It is my duty to inform you that 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number that will put you in contact with an Information Hotline for free advice on any matter that you might be concerned with at this time.
It is also my duty to inform you that this arrest will be considered unlawful by the courts. 1-800-265-0455 is a toll free number that will put you in contact with the Police Complaints Commission. If you are not satisfied with the action taken by the Police Complaints Commission you have the right to contact the Human Rights Commission.
You should be aware that if you contact either of these Commissions while you are in custody or detention, you may be asked to prepare, and present a brief report which details how you have been subjected to racist, sexist, and homophobic behaviour on the part of Police and Correctional staff.
Do you understand? Do you wish to call a lawyer, psychologist, veterinarian, mechanic, Information Hotline, BC Police Complaints Commission, near relative, or other interested party?
and finally.................................
Do you wish to drive the police cruiser to the Jail yourself?
amazeer ·
Years ago Randy and Max were out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Max says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Randy continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
amazeer ·
This will make your heart melt!!!
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
amazeer ·
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, awhile back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
amazeer ·
scary thing is that it could easily be a true story.
Oasis ·
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.
Oasis ·
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they' re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Oasis ·
careful what you wish for
A man comes into a restruant wih a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
> > >
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
> > >
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment
> > >
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
> > >
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches
into his pocket and pays with exact change.
> > >
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the
waitress.
> > >
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
> > >
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62."
> > >
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
> > >
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
> > >
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
> > >
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.
> > >
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
> > >
"That's brilliant!" says the
waitress. "Most people would ask for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as
you live!"
> > >
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
> > >
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
> >
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."
Oasis ·
There are always two ways to look at everything,
I guess.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think
a person could go on celebrating that long?"
rose ·
ian.mezz ·
Oasis ·
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded.
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two English men and one English woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry and
have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because
it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman
will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do,
how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why
didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them
all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of
freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Oasis ·
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.
2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.
3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.
4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women do not know each other.
KruizinKombi ·
Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... And what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... After all, she stuck by me durin' the drought.
KruizinKombi ·
Subject: WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
*WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST? *
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." *
The Nun fainted.
KruizinKombi ·
s*x in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrat*r! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."
KruizinKombi ·
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
KruizinKombi ·
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.............................................
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!
KruizinKombi ·
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WAbutton. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
KruizinKombi ·
The Hormone Guide: Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some wine.
KruizinKombi ·
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
KruizinKombi ·
A man decides to take up golf, so joins a club, and is escorted out onto the fairway by the resident pro teacher.
Well, what should I do?", asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the Club way too hard." *
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP! - - - the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your
hands..."
KruizinKombi ·
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words 'race car,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time or 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything!
KruizinKombi ·
Worth the read be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening, customer service, being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to ANZ:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ:
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure."
(fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
ANZ: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ: "That might help."
Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery,
1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
KruizinKombi ·
Larry gets home late one night.
His wife, Linda, says: "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned.
"What kind of tattoo did You Get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would a financial planner/accountant get a Hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
Well, one: I like to watch my money grow..
Two: once in a While I like to play with my money.
Three: I like how money feels in My Hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.
KruizinKombi ·
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
**"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. " -- Oscar Wilde
*"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill *Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
*"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde*
*Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"*
KruizinKombi ·
For Sale:
Oasis ·
Europe Raises Security Levels
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Oasis ·
Bear Warning
>The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and
>fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in
the field.
>
>They advise that campers wear noisy little bells on their clothing so
as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.
>
>They also advise campers to carry pepper spray with them in case of an
>encounter with a bear.
>
>It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
>
>Campers should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear dung.
>
>Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel
fur.
>
>Grizzly bear dung is larger and has little bells in it and smells like
>pepper spray.
Oasis ·
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things
people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
Oasis ·
careful what you wish for
A man comes into a restruant wih a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
> > >
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
> > >
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment
> > >
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
> > >
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches
into his pocket and pays with exact change.
> > >
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the
waitress.
> > >
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
> > >
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62."
> > >
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
> > >
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
> > >
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
> > >
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.
> > >
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
> > >
"That's brilliant!" says the
waitress. "Most people would ask for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as
you live!"
> > >
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
> > >
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
> >
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."
Oasis ·
As a teacher, Ms. Jones was very curious about how
> each of her students
> celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick
> Murphy. "Tell me
> Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?", she
> asked.
>
> Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me &
> my twelve bro thers &
> sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns,
> then we come home
> very
> late & we put mince pies by the back door & hang up
> our stockings. Then
> all excited we go to bed & wait for Father Christmas
> to come with all
> our
> toys".
>
> "Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown
> what do you do at
> Christmas?"
>
> "Well, Ms. Jones, me & my sister also go to
Church
> with Mum & Dad and we
> sing carols & we get home ever so late. We put
> cookies & milk by the
>
chimney & we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep,
> waiting for Santa
> Claus to bring our presents."
>
> Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and
> not wanting to leave
> him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac
> Cohen, what do you do
> at Christmas?"
>
> Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.
> Dad comes home from
> the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then
> we drive to his toy
> factory. When we get inside, we look at all the
> empty shelves and begin
> to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we
> all go to the
> Bahamas."
Oasis ·
Its getting ugly
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by AOL & Dell customer service reps."
Oasis ·
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up..
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why yes, Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
Oasis ·
The Prodigal Daughters Return!
>>
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
>>father cursed her.
>>
>>Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
>>line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
>>thru?
>>
>>The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
>>
>>"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
>>this family."
>>
>>"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
>>coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for
>>$5 million."
>>
>>"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling
>>new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
>>membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation
>>for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
>>and...."
>>
>>Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
>>
>>Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
>>
>>"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
>>Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
Oasis ·
BROTHEL
>
>The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed,
>good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
>
>"May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
>"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer
>someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
>Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
>$5,000
>a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and
>gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left.
>
>The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to
see
>Valerie. Valerie explained that no
one had ever come back two nights
in a
>row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was
still
$5,000.
>
>Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
>upstairs. After an hour, he left.
>
>The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
>that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
>
>After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man
replied,
"South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South
Carolina." "I
>know," the man said. "Your father
died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
>
>The moral of the
story is that three things in life are certain:
>1. Death
>2. Taxes
>3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
Oasis ·
A recent survey revealed the average American walks 900 miles per year.
Another survey revealed the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.
Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.
Oasis ·
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
KruizinKombi ·
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 Months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, ursing,crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can'tmarry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fxxx her again."
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 Months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, ursing,crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can'tmarry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fxxx her again."
KruizinKombi ·
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kelvin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Kelvin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Kelvin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Kelvin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Kelvin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Wull," said Kelvin, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
KruizinKombi ·
NATAL CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report
KruizinKombi ·
Over the past few weeks I have received many funny images/jokes and have
emailed them to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour.
Unfortunately, I seemed to have upset a few people and received criticism
for being sexist and shallow.
So, from now on I am only E-mailing pictures of old monuments, nature and
other cultural sights which are educational for your mind.
Here is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Toulouse , France
KruizinKombi ·
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
KruizinKombi ·
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
KruizinKombi ·
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until ... suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
KruizinKombi ·
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"*
Grey 57 ·
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
KruizinKombi ·
A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here".
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
"WOW!!! .....that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "get your own f**king blanket!".
There was a stunned silence.
Then he farted.
KruizinKombi ·
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.
He whispered back, 'I found the remote.'
KruizinKombi ·
Tandem Story
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" reportedly offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
As*h@le.
(Gary)
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one
KruizinKombi ·
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ........."Don't you have a vase?
KruizinKombi ·
(I can relate to this!!! 🤪)
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.
KruizinKombi ·
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 Months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, ursing,crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can'tmarry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fxxx her again."
KruizinKombi ·
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist
Church Ladies' Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she
Forgot about it until the last Minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and
After rummaging through cabinets she found an angel
Food cake mix and quickly made it. While drying her
Hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up
For Scout camp. But, when Alice took the cake from the
Oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was
Horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no
Time bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so
Want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
Community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for
Something to build up the center of the cake Alice
Found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper She
Plunked it in and then covered it with icing Not only
Did the finished product look beautiful, it looked
Perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
Church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
Instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
Opened at 9:30, and to buy this cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
The attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself
Everyone would know! What would they think of her?
She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.
That night Alice was laying awake in bed thinking
About people pointing their fingers at her and talking
About her behind her back.
The next day Alice promised herself that she would
Try not to think about the cake and she would attend
The fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a
Friend of a friend and try to have a good time there.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess
Was a real snob who more than once had looked down
Her nose at Alice because Alice was a single parent
And not from one of the founding families of
Tuscaloosa.
Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a
Believable excuse to stay away. The meal was elegant,
The company was definitely upper crust Old South...To
Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented
For dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
It being brought in. She started out of her chair to
Rush to the hostess and tell her all about it, but
Before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
Said, "What a beautiful cake!"
"Thank you", said the snobby hostess, "I baked it
Myself!"
Alice sat back and smiled, "GOD IS GOOD"
bugeyedbabe ·
Atheist in Trouble
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
KruizinKombi ·
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." he said with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
KruizinKombi ·
LITTLE FLAB !!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response... so she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in place, she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
KruizinKombi ·
A boss wondered why Glen, one of his most valued employees, had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of their main properties, he dialled Glen's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.... "hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "no".
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I speak with her?"
Again, the small voice whispered, "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A Helicopter", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again whispering, the child answered,
"The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me"!
KruizinKombi ·
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!"
"By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay!
KruizinKombi ·
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
KruizinKombi ·
*_Moose story;_*
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board - he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Grey 57 ·
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!
Grey 57 ·
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not bad eh?!
amazeer ·
Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Barry Dawson's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Barry Dawson.
Barry Dawson can speak Braille.
When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Barry Dawson doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.
Barry Dawson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Barry Dawson once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Barry Dawson is the only man ! to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Barry Dawson once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Barry Dawson once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Barry Dawson won by 5.
Barry Dawson once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When Barry Dawson has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Barry Dawson, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Barry Dawson ordered a Big Mac at Red Rooster, and got one.
It takes Barry Dawson 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Barry Dawson doesn't believe in New Zealand.
Barry Dawson can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Barry Dawson ! recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of Australian women lost their virginity to Barry Dawson. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Barry Dawson invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn.
One day Barry Dawson walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
When Barry Dawson plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Barry Dawson qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Barry Dawson.
Barry Dawson counted to infinity - twice.
When Barry Dawson does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Barry Dawson hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Barry Dawson gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Barry Dawson can slam a revolving door.
Barry Dawson's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Superman owns a pair of Barry Dawson pyjamas.
Barry Dawson owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Barry Dawson doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Once a cobra bit Barry Dawson's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Barry Dawson divides by zero.
Barry Dawson is always on top during sex because Barry Dawson never fucks up.
Barry Dawson once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
The only time Barry Dawson was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.