An old guy… (okay, a guy about my age and not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said... "I'd try the ATM in the lobby!"

ha ha what am in saying i'm old but poor

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".

Mick was reading the paper one morning when he suddenly gasps then gets up from the table and heads out to start working on his farm.
His wife is washing the dishes and noticed him standing in the barley crop gazing at the clouds.
At lunch time shes hanging out the washing and hes doing the same in the corn crop.
in the arvo shes driven down to the front gate to get the mail and there he is in the wheat crop.
When it goes dark Mick comes in for his dinner and his wife says "What the hell were you doing out there today Mick, you stood around all day and nothing got done"
Mick responded with "Well I read the paper this morn and it said you can win the Noble Prize and a million dollars if your Outstanding In Your Field"

The 90 year old man was staying in the big city hotel, when, one night, he was woken by a knock on the door. He saw a scantily-clad young lady there, who said "I'm offering Super Sex".

The old chap replied "I'll just have the soup thanks dear".

there was an irish man an english man and a kiwi man, and not a brain cell between them!

Here's a good one, really funny............. Two Irishmen left a pub one night before closing time.

This one is courtesy of a Mr Preen...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown. They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about Five Litres.'

That one was better when it was justine beiber kidnapped.


Anyway......

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing shes already been told twice

a woman gets on a bus with her baby and the driver says god damn woman that's the ugliest baby ive ever seen ! you should be ashamed of yourself. The woman walks to the back of the bus crying all the way and a man down the back of the bus said whats wrong mam why are you so upset? she explained that the driver had said terrible mean things to her and the man said right you march right back up the front of the bus and tell that rotten mongrel driver just how you feel ! I'll hold your monkey for you.

WARNING Major Car Park SCAM !!!
While you are loading your groceries in your car you may be approached by two 18 year old bikini wearing european girls who offer to wash your car ,while they are washing your car they have their breasts falling out everywhere after they have finished they ask you to give them a ride to the next car park,once you are driving the 2 of them start giving each other oral sex in the back seat of your car then one jumps over and starts giving you oral sex while the other steals your wallet. I have had my wallet stolen six times this week . Please be careful