An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard.
TOURIST: Hello.
JEWISH MAN: Hello.
TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.
JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.
TOURIST What's a Mohel?
JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.
TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those clocks in the window?!
JEWISH MAN: So what would you suggest I have in my window?

Scene - A bar.
Time - Late afternoon.

(Englishman) - Uh, Gentleman, do you recognise that man over there?
(Aussie) - Which one?
(Englishman) - Over there in the robes with the long hair and beard.
(Irishman) - I know that chap. That's Jesus.
(Aussie) - Are you for real mate?
(Irishman) - Sure am lad.
(Englishman) - Bartender. See that man over there. I want to shout him a beer.
(Bartended) - No worries.

* Jesus acknowledges the gesture and drinks the beer down *

(Irishman) - Bartender. Give him another. My shout this time. Make it a Guinness.
(Bartender) - Sure thing.

* Jesus acknowledges the gesture and drinks the beer down *

(Aussie) - Poor bastard look stuffed. Give him a third on me.
(Bartender) - Ok. Coming right up.

* A short time later Jesus stands and approcaches the three man across the bar.
(Jesus) - Thankyou my sons. Your generosity will be rewarded.
* He raises his hand and waves a cross above the Englishman. With that he sits up straight and bounds around the bar revitialised.
(Englishman) - Hey, my arthritis and gout have gone. I'm a new man.

* He raises his hand and waves a cross above the Irishman. With that he looks down at the bulge growing below his belt.
(Irishman) - Oy there, look at that. Me willies gettin wiggly. I'm prime gents. no way my wifes gonna leave me now.

* He raises his hand and waves part of a cross above the Aussie before he jumps up off his stool and knocks Jesus to the ground. Perplexed Jeses stands up unhurt but shaken.
(Aussie) - Piss off mate, do your hocus pocus somewhere else, I'm on compo.

The Bronze.

Two fish in a tank




One turns to the other and says




I'll man the gun if you drive :P

This pic has been around the web a few times. Crackes me up everytime I see it.

:o The Bronze. :o

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell again-right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

The Bronze.

I like this one...

"My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box!"

"She can't shear either, but you should see her crutch!"

You pack of loons, great stuff.

Hey I loved the nails heheheh

Scottsmen don't wear jocks under their kilt :o

Looks like the guy holding the flag is trying not to crack up

How embarassing!!!!

For those who don't know me. I love to take the piss out of Skodas. It's pretty easy.

Why do skodas have a rear wash wipe ?
.....To remove the flies that crash into them.

How do you double the value of a skoda?
Chuck a penny into it.

There is a big competition at my local pub the first prize is a scoda,
........the second prize is two skodas !

How do you double the value of a Skoda ?
Fill the tank !

What do you call a Skoda with a sun roof ?
A skip!

Why does a Skoda have a double rear window heater ?
To keep everyones hands warm when they are pushing it !

What do you call a skoda with a ladder on the roof ?
A wheelbarrow !

The Bronze.

My dad used to have a Skoda when I was a kid, long, long ago

Seats were so hard, like sitting on a plank. My sister and I used to duck down when we stopped on a hill 'cos the car would always roll back (maybe it was my dad's hand brack starts?) So embarrassing :o

Bad memories, the fam still talk about it hehehe