| [ Total Views: 1139 | Total Replies: 35 | Thread Id: 4633 ] |
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 Grey 57
A.k.a.: Dean
Son of Jim - Creator of Good
Old Grey Cruiser
Posts: 2937
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Location: Phillip Island
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| posted on March 22nd, 2003 at 11:21 PM |
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Time for a Joke
On the way home from the dyno day.
Speeding Ticket
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, hepulled me
over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can
get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."
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Grey 57
A.k.a.: Dean
Son of Jim - Creator of Good
Old Grey Cruiser
Posts: 2937
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Registered: August 25th, 2002
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Location: Phillip Island
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: (OoVoO) (OVO).
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| posted on March 22nd, 2003 at 11:33 PM |
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too serious heres another
Teenage Daughters
Three men were talking about their teenage daughters:
The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked".
The second says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was
really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet
of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis".
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 06:40 AM |
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I really like the first one. 
Kruizin Kol
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 vw54
Super Administrator
Always Waiting 4 Friday
Posts: 16723
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Location: Sunny Sydney
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 08:18 AM |
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DEan
Oldies but there still goodies...
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The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
Minister of Volkswagenism
Posts: 1922
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Location: Toronto - Westlakes NSW
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 posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 09:03 AM |
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Little Johnny.
Yeah I had the funniest lesson the other day.
We were doing show and tell and little Johnny said he has somthing to tell this day so I allowed him up in front of the class.
He walked up to me and asked for a whiteboard marker, which I gave him and he proceeded to put a dot on the whiteboard behind me. I moved aside and
ask what it was. He said to me and the class, "It's a period Sir" to which I replied "I know that, what importance does it have
here today?" He thought for a while and said "Well I don't really know Sir but this morning my sister said she was missing one. Dad
left home, Mum collapsed and the neighbour shot himself".
[Edited on 22-3-2003 by The_Bronze.]
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
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The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
Minister of Volkswagenism
Posts: 1922
Threads: 238
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Location: Toronto - Westlakes NSW
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Mood: Enlightened.
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 09:07 AM |
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"Teachers are agents of Mass Instruction on the war on error."
Old staff room saying.
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
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Talk Torque.
Casual Dubber
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 12:03 PM |
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Nother joke
What is the nearest thing to silver?
The Lone Rangers balls!!!!!!!!!!!!
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silver
Veteran Volks Folk
Dangerous when poked
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 01:31 PM |
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I take offence to that
Keeping it real !
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silver
Veteran Volks Folk
Dangerous when poked
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 01:42 PM |
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After little lunch one day the teacher asked little Johnny what did you do at little lunch Johnny?
I played in the sand pit! said johnny,good boy said the teacher now if you can write sand on the blackboard i will give you a biscuit , Johnny did
this and got his biscuit..then the teacher asked Sally,Sally what did you do at little lunch? Iplayed with Johnny in the sand box! she said ,good said
the teacher now if you can write box on the blackboard i will give you a biscuit ,which she did and got her biscuit.next the teacher asked Mustafa,
what did you do at little lunch Mustafa?i went to play in the sand box but Johnny and Sally threw sand at me! he said. Oh dear said the teacher that
is blatant racial discrimination , and Mustafa, if you can write blatant racial discrimination on the blackboard i will give you a biscuit
Keeping it real !
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Flying VW
Wolfsburg Wizard
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 04:57 PM |
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There was two Nun's driving down the road together and they accidently cut of a Commodore driver.
At the next set of Traffic Lights the man in the Commodore started banging on the roof of the Nuns car, and yelling I'm gunna kill you F...ing
Sluts get out and fight me..
So one Nun said to the other
"Quick show him your Cross"
So she turned to him and yelled
"IM VERY CROSS SO PISS OFF YOU DICK HEAD"
P.S
It's better when you say it |
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buzzbug
A.k.a.: Mr X
Custom Title Time!
Praise the lowered
Posts: 1992
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Mood: low and slow in nowra NSW.
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 08:42 PM |
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Army Joke
Three RSM's were standing on a sand dune just outside of Baghdad surveying all the troops in action when the Brittish RSM made comment that his
troops were the most couragous there was. To show this he called up one of his Private soilders and ordered him to storm a full Iraqui bunker with
nothing more than an unloaded rifle and a bayonet. At the word go the young soilder made a dash for the bunker, crawling under barbed wire dodgeing
land mines and into the bunker that he successfully overran. Not to be outdone the American RSM called up one of his young Private soilders and
ordered him to do the same as the Brittish soilder, but to go one better he ordered the private to jump out of a C130 from 2000ft without a parachute
first and then storm the bunker next to the one that the Brittish private had just stormed. As the order was given the American Private got on a C130
and at 2000ft jumped out and landed perfectly, ran though the barbed wire around all the land mines and stormed the second bunker. As impressive as
this was the Australian RSM said that his men were more couragious then both the yank and the poms men. At this point the Australian RSM called over
one of his young diggers who had been watching this compitition going on. The young digger stood to attention infront of the RSM as he was given the
order to do exactly what the American soilder had just done, the young digger promtly turned to the RSM and told him to f**k off and marched away. At
this point the Australian RSM turned to the Brit and the Yank and said now that is couragious.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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bluebus
Seriously Crusin Dubber
Posts: 150
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| posted on March 23rd, 2003 at 11:17 PM |
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Sister Theresa was in the convent, talking to her grade 3 class about careers.
"So Mary, what would you like to be when you grow up?"
"A nurse, Sister."
"That's lovely Mary. How about you Patrick?"
"When I grow up I want to be a fireman."
"How very brave Patrick. And what about you Katy?"
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Theresa is horrified, and faints.
When she comes to, she marches Katy off to see the Mother Superior.
"Tell Mother Superior the shameful thing you said in class!"
"I said when I grow up, I want to be a prostitute."
Sister Theresa looks dreadfully embarrassed.
"Oh, thanks heavens for that, I thought you said a Protestant!"
66 Beetle & 66 Austin 1800... makes for a very stylish footpath  |
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Phil74Camper
Son of Jim - Creator of Good
Head in the Clouds
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| posted on March 24th, 2003 at 12:46 PM |
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The news report said that the elite Irish anti-terrorist squad had today raided the city branch of Grace Brothers.
They were given a tip that Bed Linen was hiding on the third floor.
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Grey 57
A.k.a.: Dean
Son of Jim - Creator of Good
Old Grey Cruiser
Posts: 2937
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Location: Phillip Island
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: (OoVoO) (OVO).
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| posted on March 24th, 2003 at 06:51 PM |
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Sofa
A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
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XXX-1.8T
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Posts: 3113
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| posted on March 24th, 2003 at 09:35 PM |
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Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5
years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out
of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American
Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of
his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for
5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like
a weenie dog."
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XXX-1.8T
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Posts: 3113
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| posted on March 24th, 2003 at 09:44 PM |
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This Is the king Of Blonde Jokes
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a
very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
given that you are blind -that you should know five things....
1. -The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. -The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. -I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. -The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. -The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, > shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
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| posted on March 24th, 2003 at 10:56 PM |
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Gee I wish I could tell a joke but I'm absolutely useless at 1. remembering them, and then, 2. telling them. Hate it when I start and then
can't remember the end. Don't even go there anymore, not that I did anyway. I embarrass myself enough as it is best of times:eek
Hmm, hate it when some (not all) jokes fly straight over my head and I'm not even blonde:jesus
Keep it up guys
Comedy festival starts in Melbourne next week. This can warm us up:bounce |
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Grey 57
A.k.a.: Dean
Son of Jim - Creator of Good
Old Grey Cruiser
Posts: 2937
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| posted on March 25th, 2003 at 09:05 PM |
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Hearing Story
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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fatboy
Wolfsburg Wizard
Disciple of Kol
Posts: 603
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Location: Belgrave Victoria
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| posted on March 25th, 2003 at 09:10 PM |
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Oh,,OK,,,If you insist.
:beer
" Captain Picard, why are there no Indians on the Enterprise ? Don't you need IT Support ? "
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Tazzielittle
Posts:
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Registered: January 1st, 1970
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| posted on March 25th, 2003 at 09:34 PM |
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Two nuns were quietly sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.
Suddenly a flasher runs up and opens his coat.
The two nuns look at each other then one has a stroke.
The other couldn't reach!
[Edited on 25-3-2003 by Tazzielittle] |
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70AutoStik
Insano Dub Head
Posts: 730
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| posted on March 25th, 2003 at 10:00 PM |
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OK, if they're going to be that bad, I'll share this one for everyone who doesn't read Street Machine:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, who's name plate identifies her as Patricia Whack. So he says "Mrs Whack, I'd like
to borrow $30,000."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief. She asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay
because he knows the bank manager.
She asks if he has anything for collateral. The frog says "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an
inch tall.
Very confused, Patti goes to see the manager. She explains, "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to
borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this,
anyway?"
The manager looks calmly at her and says "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
Stone."
I didn't say it was a good one...
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Tazzielittle
Posts:
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 08:57 PM |
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David Copperfield was performing in Vegas one night and he was asking if anyone in the audience could do magic tricks....
One young fellow put his hand up and said that he could do something magic...
So David invites him up and asks him to perform his trick....
The young fellow said that he would need an assistant for this trick and asks if Claudia Schiffer was around....
David said she was backstage and rushed her out..
The young fellow started prancing around with Claudia as they do to get the audience in the mood... then all of a sudden he bends her over and starts
to ummmmmm...... do the deed!
David is furious! and starts yelling this is no trick!
The young fellow replies....
NO!
But its MAGIC!!!!!
:bounce:bounce:bounce |
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Grey 57
A.k.a.: Dean
Son of Jim - Creator of Good
Old Grey Cruiser
Posts: 2937
Threads: 355
Registered: August 25th, 2002
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Location: Phillip Island
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: (OoVoO) (OVO).
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:09 PM |
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Cannibals
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other one and says, "does this taste funny to you?".
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Tazzielittle
Posts:
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:20 PM |
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One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her
and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'." |
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
Posts: 9121
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Location: croydon, melbourne
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:24 PM |
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Hey they've been coming thick and fast tonight guys |
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Tazzielittle
Posts:
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 posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:25 PM |
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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a
long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the
three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man
since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But
during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man
wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large
rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have
much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it
that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to
the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a
large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
:o:o:o:o |
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
Posts: 9121
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:32 PM |
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Horse Raffle
The Casey twins had stumbled across a dead horse.
'What shall we do with it?' asked Michael.
'Let's raffle it,' said Joseph. '£2 a ticket, limited sale of 200 tickets.'
'But what happens when the winner finds out it's dead?' reasoned Michael.
'Sure, we'll give him his money back!' was the reply. |
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
Posts: 9121
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Registered: August 26th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: croydon, melbourne
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Cruisy
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:33 PM |
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Great fishing spot
The Maguire twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.
'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future
reference.'
'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.
'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!' |
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
Posts: 9121
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Location: croydon, melbourne
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:34 PM |
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Just had to get in on the act:bounce:bounce:bounce |
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Miss Piggy
Commited Dubber
Posts: 58
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| posted on March 26th, 2003 at 09:43 PM |
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With airlines strapped for cash, you might end up seeing a couple of changes the next time you decide to fly.
Below, you'll learn the traits of a "no frills" airline! These days you can fly cheaply, but let's hope airlines don't go
this far! Thanks, and enjoy the jokes! -- Alex
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A
"NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...
13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once!"
3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!
2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!
and last but not least...
1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
:bounce:bounce:bounce:bounce
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