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posted on December 2nd, 2003 at 09:17 AM
Another blonde joke
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes
upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second
team looks up and says,
"Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
:bounce
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
squizy
A.k.a.: Paul
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posted on December 2nd, 2003 at 12:29 PM
Ok...a sexist blonde joke.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings?
To hook their ankles into.
Sorry....
Squiz....
tracash242
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posted on December 2nd, 2003 at 05:40 PM
three blonds walked into a BAR,,,,,,,,,,you think one of them would of seen it......
Menangler
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posted on December 2nd, 2003 at 08:56 PM
Why do blondes have clear lunch boxes,
So they can tell if they are going to, or coming home from work.
FAHRVERGNUGEN;
Description of a pleasurable sensation,
Experienced when a car and it's driver are in mutual harmony, A unique driving experience, Pleasure, Satisfaction,
A feeling experienced by Volkswagen Drivers.
Hbbear
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posted on December 3rd, 2003 at 02:07 PM
Funny......Sick but Funny!
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno never found the head."
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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posted on December 3rd, 2003 at 08:09 PM
hahaha okay then
what time does michael jackson go to bed???
when the big hand is on the little hand :P
zac_smits
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posted on December 3rd, 2003 at 08:21 PM
It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space.
A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".
did you hear michael released a clothing line?
if it's successful he's apparently going to get into boys pants...
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
okay....enough of the jackson jokes. now we move onto baby jokes!
Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.
Q: What is charred black and smells really bad?
A1: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
A2: A baby in the fireplace.
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!
Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.
Last few...
Q1: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A. A blender!!!
Q: How do you get them out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos
Oasis
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posted on December 4th, 2003 at 11:07 AM
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
A: Drives home.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on December 7th, 2003 at 11:51 AM
Anyone wanna buy a plane?
A market survey
>
> The following was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
> Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The
> company, of course, does not have a sense of humor and made the web
> department take it down immediately, and, for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note
at
> the end is worth a read too...
>
> McDonnell Douglas Survey:
>
> Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to
> protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
> warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
> required, but the information will help us to develop new products that
best
> meet your needs and desires.
>
> 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_]
> Classified [_] Other
>
> First Name: ............................................ Initial: Last
> Name:.............................................. Password:
> .............................. (max. 8 char) Code
>
> Name:..............................................
> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
>
> 2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15
Eagle
> [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
>
> 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20......./......./......
>
> 4. Serial Number:........................................
>
> 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift
/
> aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail
> order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified
>
> 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you
> have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display
> [_]Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political
lobbying
> by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one
>
> 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision
> to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
>
> [_] Style/appearance [_] Speed/maneuverability [_] Price /value [_]
> Comfort/convenience [_] Kickback/bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_]
> McDonnell Douglas reputation [_]Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom
> politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>
> 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_]North
> America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe[_]Iraq
> [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia/Far East
> [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_]Iraq
>
> 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase
> in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD
Player
> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_]Nuclear
> Weapon
>
> 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all
that
> apply [_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral[_]
> Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive/Tribal
>
> 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit
spending
> [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_]
> Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check
>
> 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary
> [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric
> billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student
>
> 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
> interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
on
> a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating/sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running
> /jogging [_] Propaganda/misinformation [_] Destabilization/overthrow
> [_]Defaulting on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market /
smuggling
> [_] Collectibles/collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_]
> Interrogation/torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions
> [_]Espionage/reconnaissance [_] Fashion/clothing [_] Border disputes
> [_]Mutually Assured Destruction
>
> Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
> will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
> better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
> special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
> mysterious consortia.
>
> As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
> brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
>
> Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL
> DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department, Military Aerospace Division
>
> IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
addressee(s)
> named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or
> unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
> humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
> recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
> authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating
> social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its
correct
> context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal
or
> grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
> transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
> borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of
> the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message
> revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert
Notice
> from M! icrosoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around you and your computer, you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your
pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on December 7th, 2003 at 03:39 PM
hahah i like the last one
Oasis
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posted on December 9th, 2003 at 11:51 PM
> > Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to
>get
> > married.... They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
>they
> > pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man
>behind
> > the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".
> >
> >
> > Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
> > Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> > Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
> > Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> > Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
> > Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
> > Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
> > Disease?"
> > Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> > Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
> > Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask, is there something I
>can
> > help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate
>your
> > store as our Bridal Gift Registry."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on December 9th, 2003 at 11:52 PM
>NUN'S KISS
>A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
>stop staring at her.
>She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
>you but I don't want to offend you."
>
>She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
>and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
>just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
>that I would find offensive."
>
>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
>be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
>
>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
>too!
>
>"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills
>his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
>"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
>
>"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
>and I'm Jewish."
>
>The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
>party."
>
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
jenz58
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posted on December 10th, 2003 at 12:07 AM
Just received on of my son's mass emails...OMG...He's still alive....:bounce:thumb
In Honour of Stupid People
>In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
>stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
>
>On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
>(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
>
>On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
>Details
>inside. (the shoplifter special)?
>
>On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
>would be how???....)
>
>On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
>it's
>"just" a suggestion).
>
>On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
>down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
>
>On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
>(...and you thought????...)
>
>++++++ On packaging for a Rowenta Iron -- "Do not iron clothes on
>++++++body."
>(but wouldn't this save me more time)? +++++++
>
>On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
>machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
>rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
>head-colds off those forklifts.)
>
>On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and..I'm taking
>this because???....)
>
>On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>(as
>opposed to...what)?
>
>On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
>(now,
>somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
>
>On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
>(talk about a news flash)
>
>On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
>eat
>nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
>
>On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
>enable
>you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>
>On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
>or
>genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
>
>
> Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
>stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even
>chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every
>once in a while
>
"All you need is trust and a little bit of pixie dust!"
...so I don't loose the links to my rides again hehehe
Hbbear
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posted on December 10th, 2003 at 08:31 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
Oasis
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posted on December 11th, 2003 at 01:59 AM
Not rude because they're real horses
Melbourne Cup Field
>In lane 1. Passionate Lady
>In lane 2. Bare Belly
>In lane 3. Silk Panties
>In lane 4. Conscience
>In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
>In lane 6. Clean Sheets
>In lane 7. Thighs
>In lane 8. Big Dick
>In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
>In lane 10. Merry Cherry
>
>
>AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
>Conscience is left behind at the gate.
>Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
>Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
>Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
>Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
>
>
>AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
>It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
>Big Dick is pushing in.
>Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady
>and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under
>terrific pressure from Big Dick.
>
>AT THE STRETCH:
>Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
>Bare Belly is making a final push.
>Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
>
>AT THE FINISH:
>It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and
>Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
>It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final
>thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens...
>Heavy Bosom pulls up.. and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
>
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on December 17th, 2003 at 12:36 AM
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know
which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news.
One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't f@#k her."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on December 17th, 2003 at 12:51 AM
Actual English Subtitles Used in Hong Kong Films:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
15. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
16. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
18. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the
dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
19. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on
some ass of the giant lizard person.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on December 17th, 2003 at 12:57 AM
The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns
about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS). Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western
Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept
out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and boiler
suits.
A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like Thailand or China, because all you've got to worry about there
is SARS, and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."
The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 500 lives in only six months, which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only kills
around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly effects only darkies what speak foreign, whereas SARS has made at least one English
person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered much more serious. The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions,
with many high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the
need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic
issues, and that simply would not do. Anyone who appears to be exhibiting symptoms of SLOPS should be dragged into the street by their genitals and
shot.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
HotRodMatt
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posted on December 18th, 2003 at 01:04 PM
How many list members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb.
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now an to start it all over again.
HotRodMatt
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posted on December 18th, 2003 at 01:06 PM
Q. What's the differece between Michael Jackson and greyhounds?
A. Greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Jay_1965vw
A.k.a.: Jay
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posted on December 21st, 2003 at 10:13 PM
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along... And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
==============================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
==============================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
============================= =
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
do not have to sit with Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the
person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There
will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
==============================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F$%&ing Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F$%&ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
==============================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on December 22nd, 2003 at 12:11 PM
Expressions For High Stress Days
(any day you require the 'services' of centrelink)
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fucking people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
Oasis
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posted on January 10th, 2004 at 08:58 PM
Subject: A FEW FUNNY JOKES
> MOOD RING
> >My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
> >other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
> >When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
> >leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead.
> >Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
> >
> >
> >WOMEN'S HUMOUR
> >My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
> >"This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went
> >out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
> >couldn't get back in.
> >
> >A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to
> >make you the happiest woman in the world."
> >The woman says, "I'll miss you."
> >
> >Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> >A: A rumour
> >
> >He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
> >love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
> >
> >He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> >
> >She said That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I
> >sit
> >on the sofa and fart.
> >
> >He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
> >you?
> >
> >
> >She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.
> >
> >Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
> >A:45 minutes
> >
> >Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> >A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> >
> >Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
> >A:They can't stand criticism.
> >
> >Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
> >and
> >good looking?
> >A:Because those men already have boyfriends.
> >
> >Q:What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> >A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> >driving.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on January 14th, 2004 at 01:05 AM
Friends don't let friends
>take home ugly men
>Women's restroom
>Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
>
>
>
>
>
>Beauty is only a light switch away.
>Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
>
>
>
>
>
>If life is a waste of time,
>and time is a waste of life,
>then let's all get wasted together
>and have the time of our lives.
>Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
>
>
>
>
>
>Remember, it's not,
>"How high are you?"
>it's
>"Hi, how are you?"
>Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
>
>
>
>
>
>Fighting for peace is like
>screwing for virginity.
>The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
>
>
>
>
>
>No matter how good she looks,
>some other guy is sick and tired
>of putting up with her shit.
>Men's Room
>Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
>
>
>
>
>
>At the feast of ego
>everyone leaves hungry.
>Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
>
>
>
>
>
>It's hard to make a comeback
>when you haven't been anywhere.
>Written in the dust
>on the back of a bus,
>Wickenburg, AZ
>
>
>
>
>
>Make love, not war.
>-Hell, do both
>GET MARRIED!
>Women's restroom
>The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>If voting could really change things,
>it would be illegal.
>Revolution Books
>New York, New York.
>
>
>
>
>
>If pro is opposite of con,
>then what is the opposite of progress?
>Congress!
>Men's restroom
>House of Representatives, Washington, DC
>
>
>
>
>
>Express Lane:
>Five beers or less
>Sign over one of the urinals
>Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>You're too good for him.
>Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
>Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
>
>
>
>
>
>No wonder you always go home alone.
>Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
>Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
>
>
>and my favourite, and most realistic one ~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
>If it has tires or testicles,
>you're going to have trouble with it.
>Women's restroom
>Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on January 14th, 2004 at 01:07 AM
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
>perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
>nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind,"
>and refers him to a psychiatrist.
>
>After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
>to how you could possible be cured. So, finally, the psyichiatrist, at his
>wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.
>
>The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
>flame, and immediately there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
>witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing. but you can only use it once
>a year. All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as
>you wish." The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
>over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234"
>and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year."
>
>The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
>good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123": and just like
>that,he gets an erection.
>
>His wife turns over and says sleepily, "What did you say "123" for??????
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Da Wiz
Officially Full-On Dubber
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posted on January 14th, 2004 at 04:42 PM
DOn't know if you've had this one - but i thought it was a crack up
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes
Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to
prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start
cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000
of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global
broadcast
media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he
asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected
sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the
80,000
girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER
CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
"Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump
to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
:bounce
¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.-> Keepin' it Real !!
Oasis
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posted on January 14th, 2004 at 05:10 PM
That's a bloody ripper....
A little old Jewish lady's husband dies so she rings the local newspaper to place an ad in the obituary section... "How much does it cost to
place an ad for my departed husband?" she asks.
"Well it's $5 per word, and there's a minimum of 5 words per ad." replies the receptionist.
"OK then, I'd like to place an ad that says, 'GOLDSTEIN DEAD'".
"Excuse me madam, but you still have another 3 words for no extra cost.." says the receptionist.
Mrs Goldstein thinks about it for a minute and says, "OK then, make it 'GOLDSTEIN DEAD,VOLVO FOR SALE.'"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
DoNkEy
A.k.a.: James
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posted on January 14th, 2004 at 09:54 PM
Support Mental Health!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR
I"LL KILL YOU!
zac_smits
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[_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral[_]
I"LL KILL YOU!