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posted on January 15th, 2004 at 11:15 AM
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole
life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child.
What do you think of that !!!"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says,"Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting
season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead
of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes
the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!".
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
Oasis
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posted on January 16th, 2004 at 01:35 AM
He He He!!!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
helterskelter400
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posted on January 18th, 2004 at 11:00 PM
you could run the following theme all day long!!
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket,
because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie
popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I
will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am
afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all
the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"
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posted on January 19th, 2004 at 01:09 AM
The musician's version...
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket,
because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie
popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I
will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " Here's a map of the Middle East. This country is fighting with this country, this country with this one... I want
world peace in the Middle East ."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with history of revenge and battles for oil, not to mention
the religious tension between Islam and Christianity! I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, OK, I'm getting old, and I'm a jazz guitarist, and just want a little regular gig in a small
restaurant to see out my days till I die."
The genie said, " Could I have another look at that map?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on January 19th, 2004 at 11:55 PM
oldies but goodies
i'll find some new ones to put on here if i get some more time
Hbbear
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posted on January 20th, 2004 at 12:50 PM
The Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
Hbbear
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posted on January 20th, 2004 at 02:50 PM
WARNING
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
An Ocean Grove man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his bum.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
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posted on January 21st, 2004 at 11:24 AM
An oldie but a goody...
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Unity-28
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posted on January 21st, 2004 at 11:38 AM
I thought this is funny....
Corporate Condoms
>>
>>
>>
>>Imagine if major companies from all around the world started
>>
>>producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and
>>
>>companies would probably advertise more openly.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Nike Condoms: Just do it
>>
>>
>>
>>Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
>>
>>
>>
>>Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
>>
>>
>>
>>Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
>>
>>
>>
>>Optus Condoms: Yes!
>>
>>
>>
>>KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good
>>
>>
>>
>>M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
>>
>>
>>
>>Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
>>
>>
>>
>>Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
>>
>>
>>
>>Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
>>
>>
>>
>>Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
>>
>>
>>
>>Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
>>
>>
>>
>>VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
>>
>>
>>
>>Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it...
>>
>>
>>
>>Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay
>>
>> market)
>>
>>
>>
>>Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
>>
>>
>>
>>Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
>>
>>
>>
>>Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy.
>>
>>
>>
>>McDonald's Condoms: Things that make you go hmm..........
>>
>>
>>
>>The following brands would probably not sell very well...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
>>
>>
>>
>>AFL Condoms: I'd like to see that
>>
>>
>>
>>Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year...
>>
>>
>>
>>Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
>>
>>
>>
>>TAC Condoms: Speed kills
>>
>>
>>
>>Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
>>
>>
>>
>>Bolle Condoms: Put 'em on your face
>>
>>
>>
>>Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
>>
>>
>>
>>Aussie Home Loans Condoms: We'll save you
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posted on January 28th, 2004 at 03:12 PM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize
it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a
few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He
dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"
"Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob
said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Hbbear
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posted on January 28th, 2004 at 03:23 PM
Boom Boom
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
Hbbear
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posted on January 28th, 2004 at 03:26 PM
A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So
the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came
out?" he replies
"No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
amazer
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posted on January 30th, 2004 at 12:44 PM
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest
had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized: "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of
the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird
lay
there
in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung
was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy; Not everyone who gets you
out of shit is your friend; and When you're in deep shit, it's best to
keep your mouth shut.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on January 30th, 2004 at 02:39 PM
Amazer, that's FANTASTIC.
Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light,
and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is
broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do you see
'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of
course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John
replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see
you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how
much did he charge?"
Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in
sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for
him?"
And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see Jamie Oliver written on here anywhere?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 30th, 2004 at 02:42 PM
I'm sometimes asked what does a marketing consultant do.....
Here's something that may help .
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing vs advertising."
Well, here it is:
SUPPOSE:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed," - That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,
"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"..... - That's Junk Mail.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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posted on January 30th, 2004 at 02:47 PM
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By
giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where
you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important
for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...
There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and
severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN
photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the water.
Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything
away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
him away, forever.
You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo
of your life.
So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a
Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the
world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on January 30th, 2004 at 06:04 PM
LMF@#AO! I'd take 10 rolls. They would be the only evidence of destroying a weapon of mass destruction.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on February 4th, 2004 at 08:44 PM
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who
can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10.You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important! Pay attention. It never fails. )
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Final Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of
them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
amazer
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posted on February 5th, 2004 at 09:27 AM
an oldie but goodie
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee ..
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh Dear!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!"
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm! mmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on February 7th, 2004 at 02:05 PM
Subject: Police story
>
>
>
> THE COP........THE HUSBAND, and THE WIFE.............
>
> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
> clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
>
> The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
> perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
>
> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the
> passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car
> doesn't have cruise control."
>
> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
> wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
>
> The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
> detector went off when it did."
>
> As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
> detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
> teeth, Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"
>
> The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
> your
> seat belt, sir. That 's an automatic $75 fine."
>
> The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
> it
> off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
> back pocket."
>
> The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
> your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
>
> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
> turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!"
>
> The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
> always
> talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
>
>
>
>
> WAIT FOR IT............
>
>
>
>
> WAIT FOR IT............
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Secoh
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posted on February 7th, 2004 at 02:11 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by Hbbear
WARNING
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
An Ocean Grove man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his bum.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
I thought crop circles were the work of Ceral Killers!
If it aint broke,
Make it go faster!!
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on February 7th, 2004 at 02:12 PM
LOL
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 9th, 2004 at 05:33 PM
I know you've probably all seen this, but it's still bloody good...
Your Stars for 2004
Authors Note: The original twelve zodiac constellations and dates were laid out more than 2000 years ago, reflecting the apparent path of the sun
through the sky at that point. Since then, however, the precession of the equinoxes (part of the Earth’s gyroscopic 25,800 year cycle) has resulted
in a 26° 33' westward shift of the constellations involved. The ecliptic path is therefore different now and astrological forecasting should
take this into account (they never do, and are thus wrong). This column is the first in the world to take advantage of modern astrological methods.
CAPRICORNUS - January 21 to February 18 Your life will improve once you realise what a bad driver you are. Pluto intersecting with Mercury means that
planets know a lot more about driving roundabouts than you do.
AQUARIUS - February 19 to March 12 Neptune will interfere with your personal finances this year, difficult as this is to imagine as ifs 4.306 billion
km away. You will be particularly tested when your new PORSCHE blows up and you consider buying an old VW.
PISCES - March 13 to April 16 Your career will change when you discover your boss secretly hates your guts. It would be in your best interests to
change to another brand of motor oil. Watch out for skidmarks around Uranus.
ARIES - April 17 to May 10 An eclipse on the 23rd shows that you are afraid of the dark. A change to 12-volt headlight bulbs may be on the cards. A
complete stranger may contact you when you run up their arse in the traffic.
TAURUS - May 11 to June 19 Dedicate a great deal of time and energy to your personal agenda, which includes having your Beetle serviced. Mars will
cause an unexpected failure of your VWs planet gears.
GEMINI - June 20 to July 20 You will consider fitting two Dellorto carbs to your VW. Your ignorance will show itself at a club meeting when you forget
to buy a round of drinks. When service time comes around, remember to cheek your VW's caster.
CANCER - July 21 to August 9 You may be under the influence of strong drugs this year. Be careful on tight turns as you may end up sideways. Someone
very close to you may reveal feelings of intense dislike towards your T4.
LEO - August 10 to September 13 Make sure you check terminal 58b of your headlight switch as it is bound to fail. A meteor passing through your sign
is a good indication to avoid Japanese-made Fords.
VIRGO - September 14 to October 25 It may be wise to go to the drive-in a lot more this year. More shag-pile in the back of the Kombi would also be
beneficial. It is crucial that you take better care of your gearstick.
LIBRA - October 26 to November 17 Issues for you this year include the important balance of fuel used per distance covered in burnouts. Saturn means
that you'll have problems with your VWs rings.
SCORPIOS - November 18 to November 24 The red giant star in this constellation, Antares. will have no effect on you whatsoever. However, the globular
cluster M80 will directly deflate your VWs resale value.
OPHIUCHUS - November 25 to December 15 Those born under the sign of the Snake Bearer often suffer intense feelings of displacement. There is no
solution to this other than to get more displacement.
SAGITTARIUS - December 16 to January 20 You are bitter and twisted because you've always received a combined birthday and Xmas present. Buy
another VW, you loser!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on February 10th, 2004 at 07:45 AM
Dave, you weren't paying attention, were you?
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 10th, 2004 at 02:03 PM
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................................49
Adventurous.....................................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.............................................No tits
Average looking...............................Has a face like a horse's ass
Beautiful...........................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
Educated.........................................Was screwed by all the guys at her University
Emotionally Secure..........................On medication, mainly downers
Feminist...........................................Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit........................................Junkie
Friendship first.................................Former slut
Fun.................................................Annoying
Gentle.............................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
New-Age.......................................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................................No BJ's on first date
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................................Sloppy drunk
Poet..............................................Depressive
Professional...................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social............................................Talks too long and too loud.
Cuddly...........................................Fat
Voluptuous....................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate............................Stalker
Widow..........................................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Maybe
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = But you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good film on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MENS ENGLISH
1. Yes = Yes
2. No = No
4. I am hungry = I am hungry
5. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
6. I am tired = I am tired
7. Nice dress = Nice t1ts
8. I love you = Let's have sex
9. I am bored = Let's have sex
10. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
11. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
13. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
14. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
16. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
17. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person - because I'd like to have sex with you.
18. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 10th, 2004 at 11:22 PM
Subject: Why Exercise?
It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is!
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!
You could run this over to your friends but why not just post it here.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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posted on February 11th, 2004 at 11:23 AM
Why does michael jackson like twenty eight year olds?
cos theres twenty of them.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on February 13th, 2004 at 03:19 PM
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so. Although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
POLE: It is made of concrete, brick and mortar.
LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?
POLE: No, we have a two carport.
LAWYER: I mean, What are your relations like?
POLE: All my relations in Poland.
LAWYER: Is there any infidelity or violence in your marriage?
POLE: Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.
LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, it says "Polish Remover."
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
Starbug
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posted on February 19th, 2004 at 12:23 AM
I hope i havent posted this somewhere else.
One morning grandma and grandpa get up from their seperate rooms and go to the kitchen to have their breakfast.
while eating their porridge, granma says "poppy, do you remember when we used to do this in the nude?"
granpa replies..."awh yes, them were the days" and myopically stares off into the distance.
granma gets a twinkle in her eye and says "so, you wanna get naked?" to which granpa replies "awh yeah love"
so they both go back to their seperate rooms, get nude and come back to the breakfast table.
granma is making eyes at granpa and granpa is obviously getting really excited! after a few elderly exchanges of dirty words, granma exclaims "oh
poppy! my nipples are getting hot for you!"
to which granpa replies "thats because youve got one in your porridge and the other in your tea"
*boom boom*
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posted on February 20th, 2004 at 12:34 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled
in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading
straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat
right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out
"Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual
Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a
meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African
American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's
the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are
the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent. We have, however, found that the best potential
lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and
blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be
discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends
call me Bubba."
