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posted on February 23rd, 2004 at 12:04 PM
women
A WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of BusinessWeek.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of PlayGirl, and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I
noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but
my husband refused to come shopping with me so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the
hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
AND THE BEST YET.........
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The Sales Girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He
answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says,
confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?" He answers, "You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came
back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it’s soooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
amazer
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posted on February 23rd, 2004 at 12:23 PM
pretty bad one
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince
Could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was
allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire
eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and
say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years
without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him.
So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to
the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her
hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty
ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:
...
...
...
Well, guess what she said .........
...
...
...come on, guess what could she have said???
...
...
...
well, she said..............
"Pardon?"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
KruizinKombi
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posted on February 23rd, 2004 at 01:25 PM
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 23rd, 2004 at 02:07 PM
I will finally join in here -
I LOVE SYDNEY BECAUSE:
You can make over $100,000 per year and still can't afford a house.
You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the
drivers have never seen it either.
You order organic fruit and vegetables online, but eat out every night
anyway.
You spend more money on your coffee machine than on your washing Machine.
You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour
and beach views and European appliances; and spend a total of forty hours
a week there, of which thirty seven are spent sleeping.
You contemplate calling a taxi from your home to where you managed to
park your car the night before.
You spend thirty minutes in a traffic jam next to a car that has more
power going to its speakers than its wheels.
You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or
home address.
You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe
under lock and key... but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.
Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he emigrated to Australia.
Your co-worker tells you he/she has eight body piercings but none is
visible.
You can't remember... is dope illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a
sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion on where your coffee beans are grown, and
can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between
yoga,conversational Italian or building your own website.
A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus and
you don't notice.
You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born
in Sydney.
Your hairdresser is straight; your plumber is gay, and your Avon lady is
a drag queen.
Futue te ipsum!!!
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posted on February 24th, 2004 at 10:13 AM
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says,
"Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor.
Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says,
"In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my
private parts so they declared me disabled; it doesn't affect my ability
to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good
news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours
are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says,
"If working hours are from 8 to 4,
why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything
but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point
of your coming in for that.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on February 24th, 2004 at 01:28 PM
NUN'S KISS
>A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
>stop staring at her.
>She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
>you but I don't want to offend you."
>
>She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
>and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
>just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
>that I would find offensive."
>
>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
>be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
>
>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
>too!
>
>"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills
>his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
>"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
>
>"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
>and I'm Jewish."
>
>The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
>party."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 24th, 2004 at 01:30 PM
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to
>get
> > married.... They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
>they
> > pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man
>behind
> > the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".
> >
> >
> > Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
> > Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> > Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
> > Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> > Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> > Pharmacist: "Of course."
> > Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
> > Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
> > Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
> > Disease?"
> > Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> > Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
> > Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask, is there something I
>can
> > help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate
>your
> > store as our Bridal Gift Registry."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 24th, 2004 at 01:33 PM
I Can't remember if I posted this one already...
Actual English Subtitles Used in Hong Kong Films
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
15. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
16. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
18. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the
dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
19. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on
some ass of the giant lizard person.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 24th, 2004 at 01:41 PM
Happy new Year
> > This will get me some hate mail from the girls but here goes....
> > The opportunity you have been waiting for (boys)
> > As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you
> > can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 fellas who are just as virile
> > as you.
> > INSTRUCTIONS;
> > Anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't
> > forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the
> top
> > of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you
will
> > receive 823,542 women through the post.
> > Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
> > 0.5 miss worlds
> > 2.5 models
> > 463 wild nymph*s
> > 3,234 good-looking nympho's
> > 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
> > 40,198 bi-sexual women
> > In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
> > inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And,
> > best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those
> > that
> > come back to you.
> > DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
> > One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of
> > 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing
> > gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
> > accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international
> > supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend
> > moved
> > out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain
> > letter.)
> > While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place
> > above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital
suffering
> > from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
> > YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
> > This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
> > sex life.
> > No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about
> > trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her.
> > No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant
> > surprises like marriage or engagement.
> > Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best
> > friends.
> > PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum
> > cleaner.
> > PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
> > they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon
> > undertake.
> >
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 24th, 2004 at 03:01 PM
7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human;it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of
a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are
some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael , He's
a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher, She's dead.
"A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood
doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only
ONE.God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples.
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
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posted on February 26th, 2004 at 11:49 PM
1-2-3-4
>After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
>perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
>nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind,"
>and refers him to a psychiatrist.
>
>After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
>to how you could possible be cured. So, finally, the psyichiatrist, at his
>wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.
>
>The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
>flame, and immediately there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
>witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing. but you can only use it once
>a year. All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as
>you wish." The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
>over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234"
>and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year."
>
>The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
>good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123": and just like
>that,he gets an erection.
>
>His wife turns over and says sleepily, "What did you say "123" for??????
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 27th, 2004 at 10:43 AM
Another Blonde Joke
**No Offence Intended To Fellow Blonde AussieVeeDubbers**
Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58PM.
He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will
jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very
upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here
is your money."
Homer replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
:bounce
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
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posted on February 27th, 2004 at 10:48 AM
One More!
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He struggles again to ask, nurse, "Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says,
"there's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, ARE, MY, TEST, RESULTS, BACK?"
:P
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
KruizinKombi
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posted on February 28th, 2004 at 11:51 AM
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and
Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician
rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had
two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishman replies angrily, "You
idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy
with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A young Irish brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the
doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and
screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No,
I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why,
that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you ******, it's
twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 2 other female friends, In addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3
beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going
to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the
back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death
with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of
the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he
said he didn't have one!"
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he
looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you
keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 28th, 2004 at 01:10 PM
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it
with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the
next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all
Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after
His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini"..................Blessed be
Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the
Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed
man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could
also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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Mood: Peachy!
posted on March 1st, 2004 at 04:54 PM
A married couple are driving along when they see a
wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the
wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the
car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold.
What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
*****************************
One morning while she was making breakfast, the local
fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on
the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we
could get rid of your girdles."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled
herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and
grabbed him by the balls. Maintaining a vice grip she
whispered in ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up
we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the
pool man and your brother."
******************************
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of
Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the
purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts,
"What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver
and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks
cheekily."
"Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife
responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice
if you came second for a change!".
******************************
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down
in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next
to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this
is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if
ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it
just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See,
I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde
with the most massive breasts in the world was there.
So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to
Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh'...........
So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast
table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But
accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
******************************
A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to
get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on
the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans
over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
******************************
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
****************************
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile
phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her:
"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's
f***ing hundreds of them!"
***********************************
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached
a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Beer and women with big tits."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
buzzbug
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posted on March 1st, 2004 at 06:09 PM
DONT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED.
ONCE AGAIN, DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED.
Q) Whats worse than being attacked by two sharks?
A) Being raped by four bulldogs.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
amazer
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posted on March 1st, 2004 at 06:23 PM
My name is DANIEL NDLOVU the elder son of Mr. ANSELAM NDLOVU of Zimbabwe. This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact address. I
got your address from the South African trade centre in Johannesburg.
During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supports of our President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white owned farms to his
party members and his followers, he ordered all white farmers to surrender all their farms to his party members and his followers.
My father is one of the best farmers in our country and because he did not support Mugabe’s ideas, Mugabe’s supporters invaded my father’s farm
and burnt everything in the farm, killing my father and made away with a lot of items in my fathers farm.
Before his death my father had deposited with one of the Security Company in Johannesburg South Africa the sum of US$16.2m (sixteen Million two
hundred thousand United States Dollars). After the death of my father, we decided to move to the republic of South Africa where he had deposited the
money in the Security Company as valuables.
So I decided to contact overseas firm and companies that will assist me to move this money out of South Africa because as asylum seekers we are not
allowed to operate any bank account within South Africa. We have agreed to offer you 20% of the total sum for your assistance. 5% will be mapped out
for any expenses that may be incurred in the course of this transaction and 75% will be for me and my family to invest in your country.
All I want you to do is to furnish me with your entire personal and fax numbers for easy communication. You can contact me on the above telephone and
fax numbers. Note that this transaction is 100% risk free and absolutely confidential.
Thanks and God bless
DANIEL NDLOVU
On replying kindly give me your private telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.
Woohoo im rich. $3,240,000 must be christmas :rudolf :tree
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
baybuscamperkid
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posted on March 1st, 2004 at 08:22 PM
hehe. love the one about the kids
"The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael , He's
a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher, She's dead."
where did you get it? cos i actually know a kid who said exactly that back at primary school!
Reimagined/Recycled/Upcycled Cool
KruizinKombi
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posted on March 2nd, 2004 at 08:14 AM
Ryan, Birchall emailed that one to me, cause he's too lazy to edit it and post it himself!!
[Edited on 1-3-2004 by KruizinKombi]
Kruizin Kol
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posted on March 3rd, 2004 at 12:21 AM
Someone just emailed me this not so funny joke, but it's probably appropriate for here:
My first car was a VW. It stalled in Bondi Junction one day and wouldn't restart. I opened the bonnet to see what the problem was. No
wonder it wouldn't go: no motor! Just then someone in another VW pulled up beside me and asked if I needed help. I said: "Yes! My car
stopped because it lost its engine. I just checked under the bonnet and it is gone!" The other driver said: "It is your lucky day. I just
bought my VW last week, and yesterday I opened the boot. Would you believe, it got a spare motor in it?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Hbbear
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posted on March 3rd, 2004 at 01:51 AM
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't
you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."
(SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
Oasis
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posted on March 5th, 2004 at 12:27 AM
September 1st
Just got transferred with work and moved into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love
it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun
everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat
shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate
this stupid place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the
car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2
layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so
my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough
for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What
kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? Ya kiddin me!!!!
[Edited on 4-3-2004 by KruizinKombi]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on March 8th, 2004 at 09:11 PM
Mmm....
I'm Sorry I dont Speak Hat.......
Oasis
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posted on March 16th, 2004 at 12:55 AM
I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.
I finished the book by the time I reached my house.
I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, and said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my
hair?"........
"The f ..... g funeral director," she said.
[Edited on 15-3-2004 by Oasis]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on March 23rd, 2004 at 09:58 PM
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not
having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"So up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the
women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to
your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
[Edited on 25-3-2004 by Oasis]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
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posted on March 24th, 2004 at 07:59 AM
LMAO!!!!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on March 25th, 2004 at 05:20 PM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway entrance.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small
sign next to the door which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The
nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
habit, holding a tin cup. This nun tells him to, "Please place $50 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He takes $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Hbbear
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posted on March 26th, 2004 at 01:49 PM
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,
he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
zac_smits
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