Look at that...it's about the major frauds at the moment...
zac
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posted on April 2nd, 2004 at 08:49 AM
Snappy Answers
When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer.
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The
kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The
agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard
clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F***
you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....
Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Boozer
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posted on April 2nd, 2004 at 08:50 AM
one of my favourites.:thumbI LIKE MONKEYS
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They
kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds
and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda'
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I
had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them
every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He
couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but
I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys
Boozer
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posted on April 2nd, 2004 at 08:51 AM
Funny Questions
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
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posted on April 2nd, 2004 at 08:52 AM
How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Hbbear
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posted on April 2nd, 2004 at 01:18 PM
To Everyone
We are all united as friends on this forum through the love of VW's.....so to all my friends here:
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
Oasis
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posted on April 6th, 2004 at 01:57 AM
There are two nuns riding bicycles down the road in Belgium. One nun says, "I don't normally come this way", and the other says, "Don't worry,
It's just the cobblestones".
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on April 6th, 2004 at 11:47 AM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year
ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean
that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what
his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year
the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
:thumb
¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.-> Keepin' it Real !!
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posted on April 6th, 2004 at 11:49 AM
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband
with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't
think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days,
the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we
wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would
always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face
inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the
children, the same child always faced the same direction.
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman.
His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply
known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the
lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisher-
man said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to
make a living from the sea."
They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a
three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the
fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three
months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone
man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her
husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling
boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just
barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more
than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves
without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish
started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side
of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either
of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish
that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible,
horrible* fish!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"
:cussing:cussing:cussing:cussing:cussing
¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.-> Keepin' it Real !!
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posted on April 6th, 2004 at 09:01 PM
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next
day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately,
there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor
but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he
discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a
message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due
to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older
husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and
fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival
tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.......
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on April 8th, 2004 at 03:51 PM
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the Colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person....
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!" The
ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on
your knee."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on April 14th, 2004 at 06:55 PM
A horse walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a scotch. The amazed bartender gives him the scotch. The horse drinks it, and leaves. The
bartender calls his friend, a circuss mannager, and tells him about the horse. The next day the horse comes in the bar, and orders a beer. The circuss
manager is sitting at the bar two. After the horse finishes his beer the circuss manager says "Mr Horse, I have a buisness proposition for you!".
"Really", says the horse, "Lets hear it!". "Id like you to come work in my circuss!". "A circuss? that large tenet with all the animals?" the
horse asks. "Yes". "But I dont get it", the surprised horse contines,"What dose circuss need with a software engineer?!"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
Oasis
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posted on April 17th, 2004 at 01:21 PM
This was written by a black guy in Texas:
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folk's ???
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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posted on April 22nd, 2004 at 09:30 AM
I havent had a good one in ages. ah hem
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer,
save me, save me!!!" The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit,
lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life..." Then a couple days later
they're playing again and this time the chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says,
"Help me Help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!" So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you." The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells
the chicken, "Grab onto my dick." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the chickens' life.
So whats the moral of the story???
If you have a dick the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
amazer
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posted on April 24th, 2004 at 12:54 AM
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy?; Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied "Don't worry just follow me.
" He went into the pub where he immediately ordered
two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whiskey. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in; We haven't
got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausagethrough my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said "How do you
think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
Oasis
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posted on April 29th, 2004 at 01:43 PM
A Mother enters her daughters bedroom and sees a letter on the bed.
The worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped
with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all
his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that
Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his
trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it
for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure and for
Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mum, I'm l5 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Some day I'll visit you so you can know your grandchildren.
Love Your Daughter,
Judith
P.S. Mum, it's not true, I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to
show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report
card that's in my desk drawer..... I love you Mum.......
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 4th, 2004 at 11:32 AM
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that
he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American
thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40
cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on May 5th, 2004 at 06:06 AM
now that's my kind of joke oasis!!!
okay..here's an entry from the dirtiest joke of 1999...
> There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park
> one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
>
> The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother
> hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes."
>
> The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys
> having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?"
> And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making
> cakes."
>
> The next day the girl says to her mother"Mommy, you and Daddy
> were making cakes in the living room last night,eh?"
> Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > >>> > She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
>
That's all from me today.
Peace out.
Oasis
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posted on May 6th, 2004 at 12:15 AM
anti terrorism
hehe Zac...
AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES. SO
THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBOURHOOD
TERRORISTS. CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT. ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN
FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW
SUPPORT FOR ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN. AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR
ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT. THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS
ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
GOD BLESS AUSTRALIA.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on May 6th, 2004 at 03:30 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon
his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath,he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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posted on May 6th, 2004 at 03:50 PM
HEHEHE MWAHAHA
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a
rest. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael! Look what I have made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God,"and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe
is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent
of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while
South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel impressed by God's work, then he pointed to a small part of land and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Sydney, the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful beaches, rivers, ridges and an exquisite coastline. The
people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard
working,and
high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as the best example of the human species.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said There will be BALANCE!?"
God replied wisely, "That's why I made Melbourne."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on May 7th, 2004 at 11:00 AM
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.) Winky 2
We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
kombikim
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posted on May 7th, 2004 at 11:13 AM
Olympics update
Preparations for Athens are going well
[Edited on 7-5-2004 by kombikim]
[Edited on 7-5-2004 by kombikim]
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Please, I need drivers side window regulator (winder mechanism) for my '54
amazer
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posted on May 7th, 2004 at 11:30 AM
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would
plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told
him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought
came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of
horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on May 7th, 2004 at 11:51 AM
LMAO!!!!!
What a lovely story...
This is truly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at
such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c%nts at Bunnings ever bring us the fu@king gyprock"
[Edited on 7-5-2004 by KruizinKombi]
Kruizin Kol
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posted on May 12th, 2004 at 03:14 PM
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on
the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this
to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make
hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 12th, 2004 at 03:20 PM
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman
finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat
jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 12th, 2004 at 04:38 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
> >> affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> >> At a recent computer conference Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> >> computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had
> >> kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
> >> all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
> >> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
> >> a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like
> >> Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
> >> characteristics (and I just love this part):
> >> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
> >> twice a day.
> >>
> >> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
> >> you would have to buy a new car.
> >>
> >>
> >> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
> >> no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road,
> >> close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen
> >> the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would
> >> simply accept this.
> >>
> >>
> >> 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left
> >> turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
> >> which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
> >>
> >>
> >> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
> >> sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -
> >> but would run on only five percent of the roads.
> >>
> >>
> >> 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
> >> lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
> >> Illegal Operation" warning light.
> >>
> >>
> >> 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
> >> deploying.
> >>
> >>
> >> 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
> >> would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
> >> simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
> >> hold of the radio antenna.
> >>
> >>
> >> 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers
> >> would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of
> >> the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
> >>
> >>
> >> 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
> >> engine off.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 19th, 2004 at 01:22 AM
Some actual sports commentator's comments:
THE England World Cup game :
The England goalkeeper, David Seaman was having a great game and
dominating the penalty area, prompting commentator Martin Tyler to say: "Seaman is all over the box!"
SANDY Roberts was hosting some an event on Channel 7 when he introduced the incumbent Miss Australia, Cynthia Dick as Cynthia Cock! Amid raucous
laughter from the live audience & despite barely being able to contain his own laughter, good old Sandy desperately sought to recover the
situation by exclaiming "you must get Cock quite a lot!"
MICHAEL Buerk , watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold
out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Super bikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a
hard on now."
CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on Good Morning: "She was practising fastest finger by herself in bed last
night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just
tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away.
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
posted on April 2nd, 2004 at 01:18 PM
