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posted on May 19th, 2004 at 01:31 AM
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on May 19th, 2004 at 01:42 AM
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section
>and Mick says to Paddy,"Dats Dem".
>The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
>"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere",
>says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag".
>The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
>They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300
>foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the
>four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the
>cliff.
>Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down
>for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!'
>As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock
>Dat, budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."
>A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the petshop and
>he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.
>He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other
>hand Seamus
>is carrying a gun.
>"Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the
>cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and
>blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is
>another
>'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
>Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting
>noider..."
>After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the petshop and
>walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out
>of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
>Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit
>his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, fockin'
>hengliding."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on May 21st, 2004 at 12:17 AM
TOP OXYMORONS
Happily Married
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on May 21st, 2004 at 12:39 AM
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to
your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
[Edited on 20-5-2004 by Oasis]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 21st, 2004 at 01:47 AM
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................................49
Adventurous.....................................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.............................................No tits
Average looking...............................Has a face like a horse's ass
Beautiful...........................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
Educated.........................................Was screwed by all the guys at her University
Emotionally Secure..........................On medication, mainly downers
Feminist...........................................Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit........................................Junkie
Friendship first.................................Former slut
Fun.................................................Annoying
Gentle.............................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
New-Age.......................................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................................No BJ's on first date
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................................Sloppy drunk
Poet..............................................Depressive
Professional...................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social............................................Talks too long and too loud.
Cuddly...........................................Fat
Voluptuous....................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate............................Stalker
Widow..........................................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Maybe
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = But you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good film on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MENS ENGLISH
1. Yes = Yes
2. No = No
4. I am hungry = I am hungry
5. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
6. I am tired = I am tired
7. Nice dress = Nice t1ts
8. I love you = Let's have sex
9. I am bored = Let's have sex
10. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
11. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
13. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
14. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
16. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
17. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person - because I'd like to have sex with you.
18. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Da Wiz
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posted on May 21st, 2004 at 03:32 PM
Romantic Valentines Verses...
If you get stuck - try some of these:
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line:
"Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed."
"I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I met your brother."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head."
"Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face"
"Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not"
"I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face"
"I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!"
"My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life"
"I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming"
"My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way"
"My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
"What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime"
¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.-> Keepin' it Real !!
helterskelter400
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posted on May 25th, 2004 at 05:41 PM
a few doing the work email rounds
Adult Fairy Tales
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by
2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and
goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella
shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a
pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
_______________________________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to
me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have
sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground
and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed
to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
zac_smits
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posted on May 26th, 2004 at 05:17 AM
Here's Your Sign
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That
way you wouldn't rely on them. Would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see
your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
there was a Ridgeways truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and
says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a
week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his
boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the
ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving
up.
Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was
a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want
you
to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they
bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".
Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a gas station. The
attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, Nope. I was driving around and
those other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,
then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could
have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you
know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I
couldn't
get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a
local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning.
OK no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign until he
asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at
him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm
delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said
"Are
you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. "Here's your
sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends.
The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
helterskelter400
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posted on May 27th, 2004 at 06:21 PM
another goodie...
_____________________________________________________________
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the
jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with excited anticipation
she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out of her bum.
Oasis
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posted on June 3rd, 2004 at 01:05 AM
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to cut, cut, cut, make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall
off by itself! You save money ."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on June 3rd, 2004 at 06:56 AM
Cactus Lovers
A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection
Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week.
An avid cactus fan, the man bought a one-metre high, rare and
expensive cactus there.
On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined
for 3 months.
He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over
time it grew to about 2 meters. One evening while
watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a
light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave another spray and it shivered again.
He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state
gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? etc.
Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your family in the house?"
The bloke answered yes.
The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front
nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 20
minutes.
Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance
came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said.
A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space
suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a
flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down.
After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood
smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched.
Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the
bloke's shoulder. "What the hell's going on? he says.
"Let me show you" says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and
picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of
two hand spans.
The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of
cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full
size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes
and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it,
dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop.
The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be
vacated and fumigated:police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.
And here's what one of the bastards looks like sitting on a full size
dinner plate
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posted on June 4th, 2004 at 12:29 AM
i haven't posted on here in a while...
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Boozer
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posted on June 4th, 2004 at 12:33 AM
hmmmm....i suddenly don't feel like turkey for the rest of my life...
Sorry Boozer, no nudity allowed....
[Edited on 3-6-2004 by KruizinKombi]
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
Boozer
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posted on June 4th, 2004 at 12:36 AM
yikes!
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Boozer
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posted on June 4th, 2004 at 12:37 AM
this sums up my life...he he he...pancake...
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Boozer
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posted on June 4th, 2004 at 12:46 AM
beware...they're more dangerous than they look...and they can move really, really fast...sometimes...
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Oasis
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posted on June 4th, 2004 at 01:24 AM
Subject: Re: What do women really want?
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long he could
answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out
the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to
death.
The question was: "What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's
end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he
spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the
Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunch backed and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises etc.
He had never run across such a repu gnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question:
"What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and
anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch
put her worst manners on display and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had
happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when
she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self
and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he
want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel
question!
Gawain began to think of his predicament- during the day a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an
old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful
woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read on until you've made your
own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing
this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had
respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly.
Underneath it all, she's still a witch and don't you forget it.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on June 11th, 2004 at 12:12 AM
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my
available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS3x Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have
no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I
wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before
uninstalling itself.
Any ideas?
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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Going alone...
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posted on June 14th, 2004 at 08:26 AM
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.
Take celibacy, this can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors:
Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Bill and Mary listened
to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men,
"Can you each name and describe your wife's
favourite flower."
Bill leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"Self-raising, isn't it?"
And thus began Bill's life of celibacy.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on June 15th, 2004 at 05:41 PM
A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Twenty first Birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs
one and goes over to the counter. A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you
need to know about it from the sound it makes.
"She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley
Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $199.00.
"She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes
it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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Going alone...
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posted on June 17th, 2004 at 02:02 AM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his
phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make
sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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Going alone...
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posted on June 17th, 2004 at 05:55 PM
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the
park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note....
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
karmannghia60
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Karmann Ghia Sucker
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posted on June 21st, 2004 at 10:20 AM
Another management lesson
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and
functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the
Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole
spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just
sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
karmannghia60
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posted on June 21st, 2004 at 10:22 AM
Management message about Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please
see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all
the S. H. I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). All Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you
are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent you
this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T
[Edited on 21-6-2004 by karmannghia60]
Bami
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posted on June 21st, 2004 at 10:59 AM
LOL can I knick that one for my works newsletter
~Bami
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on June 21st, 2004 at 11:02 AM
Sorry, just have to put this one in Funny Emails...
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on June 22nd, 2004 at 08:08 AM
AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.
SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBOURHOOD
TERRORISTS.
CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.
ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY
TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AUSTRALIAN WOMEN.
AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT. THE AUSTRALIAN
GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
GOD BLESS AUSTRALIA.
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on June 22nd, 2004 at 08:19 AM
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief
they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people
left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"
