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posted on June 22nd, 2004 at 08:19 AM
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, smoke in one hand, favourite beverage in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO - What a
Ride!
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on June 22nd, 2004 at 08:22 AM
A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three 'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of
yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on June 22nd, 2004 at 08:28 AM
BLONDE BEEMER
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very politely if he could see her drivers license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out," he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus again!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination
that consists of some "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in
the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts
tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No,
for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating to herself.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I
finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!(maybe)
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on June 22nd, 2004 at 08:33 AM
THE VALUE OF UNDIES! (from the Qld Riley Club's November 'Torque Tube'
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle.....especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment,
she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hands UP his shorts and tucked everything back in place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic however, had to
have three stitches in his head.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on June 22nd, 2004 at 08:33 AM
Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews
Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple
of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that"
"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of
Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
Kruizin Kol
zac_smits
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posted on June 23rd, 2004 at 04:19 AM
hahah
okay, one from my dad.
An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior.
Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish
samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward opening a tiny box and released the fly. He drew his
sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He
drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly
quartered. No. 3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let
out a high-pitched sound but continued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead." "Dead,
schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy; but
circumcision--that takes skill!"
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posted on June 23rd, 2004 at 09:04 AM
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million in severance pay.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Launch the Bazooka!!"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours to make some more money ... until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used his thumb and a
forefinger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE!
Last summer, down on Lake Minocqua, located in upper Wisconsin, some Illinois folks on vacation and new to boating, were having a problem. No matter
how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat to go. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much pressure
was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine idled fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
KruizinKombi
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posted on June 23rd, 2004 at 09:52 AM
LMAO!!!! Gotta love #8
Kruizin Kol
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posted on June 23rd, 2004 at 04:32 PM
hahahah that's just classic!!!
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posted on June 23rd, 2004 at 05:12 PM
my favourite is number 2
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
56astro
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posted on June 23rd, 2004 at 06:52 PM
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
VW car, VW engine ...... keepin it "real"
35MPG on 101.3kPa
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posted on June 24th, 2004 at 12:27 PM
merlin
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
amazer
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posted on June 24th, 2004 at 07:59 PM
Some groaners
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom
or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
jenz58
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posted on June 24th, 2004 at 09:36 PM
Something very funny here....439 posts & 159 views :alien
Anyone else notice....or have I had too much vino? :jesus
"All you need is trust and a little bit of pixie dust!"
...so I don't loose the links to my rides again hehehe
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posted on June 25th, 2004 at 08:28 AM
nah jenz..i dunno if it's right or not but the tomorrow ppl only has 409 posts and 2318 views..so maybe a '0' dropped off somewhere.....
zac
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posted on June 27th, 2004 at 09:38 PM
standard lines for performance appraisals
> 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
> has started to dig."
>
> 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
>
> 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
> definite won't be."
>
> 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
> in a trap."
>
> 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
>
> 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
>
> 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
> achieve them."
>
> 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
>
> 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."
>
> 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
> together."
>
> 11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
>
> 12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
>
> 13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
>
> 14. "He's been working with glue too much."
>
> 15. "He would argue with a signpost."
>
> 16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
>
> 17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
>
> 18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
> one."
>
> 19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
>
> 20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
>
> 21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
>
> 22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
> coming."
>
> 23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
> looking for it."
>
> 24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
>
> 25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
>
> 26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
>
> 27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
>
> 28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
>
> 29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
>
> 30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
KruizinKombi
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posted on June 28th, 2004 at 09:06 PM
Hey, I know people like that!!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on June 30th, 2004 at 06:48 PM
ENGINEERS JOKES
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
-----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
-----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi, Bob. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for
a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company, an electric utility, loyally for over
30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
turbines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the turbine balanced, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge turbine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular spot of the turbine and said, "This is where your problem is add some weight at this spot " The weight was added and the
turbine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000
from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing
where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
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posted on June 30th, 2004 at 10:41 PM
Guaranteed to Laugh
If you have raised kids, or gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear
to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I
suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is
a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they...um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 Hamsters .... $10
1 Cage ..... $20
1 Trip to the Vet .... $30 Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's wacker.... Priceless.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on June 30th, 2004 at 10:50 PM
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while
the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room
went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest-room?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense, " said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give
the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, " said the bartender, "would you like a drink? "
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see, " laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that
drink?"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 1st, 2004 at 06:39 AM
mahahaha i love that one. and i'm giong to be an engineer so at least i know what i'm SUPPOSED to do now!!
zac
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posted on July 1st, 2004 at 10:34 PM
Calling In Sick...
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had
a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel
up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but
one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it.” You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She
pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without consequence. I crouched down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my
circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained
monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight
up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it
that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got
your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 1st, 2004 at 10:36 PM
MCDONALDS JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he
was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 1st, 2004 at 10:36 PM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interview, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and
a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her. The man said, "You can't
be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 3rd, 2004 at 02:29 PM
THE WEDDING TEST
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years
of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had
to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could
not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she
wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just
come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of
the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said: "We are very happy that you have passed our test.We
could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 5th, 2004 at 07:25 PM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder
what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see
it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet.. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 5th, 2004 at 07:25 PM
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the Closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, Let's go
outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, That
is way more than those two things cost, I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 6th, 2004 at 04:46 AM
ahahahahahaa lmao!!!
quality sh*t kruzinkombi!!!
cheered me up a treat!!
zac
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posted on July 8th, 2004 at 02:12 AM
Australia - The Fifty First State?
By: Nikolai Stephens on: Sun 04 of Jul, 2004 [17:37]
SYDNEY, Australia 4th July. Australians are ecstatic today after their team won a nail biting victory in the reality game show, “Who Wants to be
American?” The Australian team narrowly defeated close rival the United Kingdom in the final.
“It’s a dream come true,” said Australian competitor, Jacqueline Jones. “I can’t believe we did it. We’ve worked so hard.”
The game show, which is screened in twenty-four countries across the world, pits national teams against each other in a competition to see which one
is the most American. Teams compete in a variety of activities including baseball, bull riding, a fashion parade and a quiz on general knowledge and
world affairs (the winner being the one that scores the lowest).
An Australian Government official announced today that it was “… a very pleasing result for the whole nation.” However, they also asked the
Australian public to be patient. “We’re not American yet. There are a lot of steps that will need to be taken before we can achieve that dream.
But we are on our way!” The official pointed out that the Australian government had been working towards becoming American well before the game show
victory. “We’ve been doing everything the Americans tell us to do for years now.”
Social researcher from Sydney’s Cook University, Professor Bill Harfpin, suggests that it is not surprising that Australia did so well in the
competition.
“We’ve been making the transition from independent nation to fifty-first state for some time. It’s only now that it’s getting official
recognition.” He points out that most of the content on Australian television and almost all the movies in cinemas are American. There are also more
McDonald’s restaurants per capita in Australia than anywhere in the world. “A lot of Australian teenagers would be surprised to find out that they
aren’t American already,” says Halfpin.
Australians are excitedly looking forward to the challenges ahead as they seek to become a part of the greatest nation on Earth. American football and
baseball training camps have been set up across the nation to educate Australians in these once unfamiliar pastimes. Non-American? sports such as
cricket and Australian Rules football are being phased out in schools. Some local councils have even set up special elocution clinics to teach people
how to speak correctly with an American accent.
It still may be a while off yet, but the recent victory in “Who Wants to be American?” has inspired a nation to believe that it’s a real
possibility that they may soon become the fifty-first state of America. “It’s what we all want,” said Jacqueline Jones with tears in her eyes
after the victory, “And we’re so close now. I’m just so proud that I have been able to make a contribution to the dream.”
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 8th, 2004 at 02:19 AM
I love that "Don't start that shit again....." Hehehehe!!!!!:bounce
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