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posted on July 12th, 2004 at 02:39 PM
Thanks Clint for these....
1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."...(Alan Minter)
2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing ! " ... (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
3. "Andrew Merhtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." ...(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." ... (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ...(Winston Bennett)
6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." ... (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." ...(Greg Norman)
8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." ...(Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." ...(Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." ...(Harry Carpenter at the
Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" ...(Metro Radio)
12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." ...(David Acfield)
13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" ...(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." ...(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh
my God! What have I just said?!!!" ...(US PGA Commentator)
16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." ...(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
17. True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So
Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ... Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so
hard!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2004 at 03:08 PM
On local news they asked Mark Gasnier what it was like to play Origin with so many of his team mates. "Its great, I loving having Trent (Barrett)
inside me".
That was on top of (no pun intended) Andrew Johns making similar comment during the game.
[Edited on 12-7-2004 by amazer]
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on July 15th, 2004 at 12:31 PM
BLIND PILOTS
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that
the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens and two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good
hands.
In the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
KruizinKombi
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posted on July 15th, 2004 at 02:13 PM
Love that one Chris!!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 16th, 2004 at 06:37 PM
Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says “You know, last
week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it
carries you back into the window”.
The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says “What? Are you insane? There’s no way that could happen!” No, it’s true” said the first guy, “let me prove it to
you”. He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the
window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second guy is astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must’ve been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!”
“No, I’ll prove it again” says the first man as he jumps.
Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the heck,” the second guy says, “I’ve seen that it works, so I’ll try it!” He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges
downwards …..his body hits the pavement with a loud “splat”
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says …
“You know, Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re pissed.”
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on July 19th, 2004 at 10:02 AM
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all
through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"
She said, “I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the
gizzards!"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 19th, 2004 at 10:05 AM
One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, grabs some beer, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat
to the truck and head down the road. Coming out of garage rain is pouring down; its like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in withthe rain,
and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in
the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 19th, 2004 at 10:35 AM
One day there was a teenage punk-rock boy who decided to go to the
> local shopping mall. He had just about the craziest hair-do you could
> imagine.
>
> His hair was spiked into chunks all over his head, and each spike
> of hair was dyed a different colour. Some were green, some were red, some
> yellow, some purple, etc.
>
> Well he sat down on a bench next to this old man, waiting for his friends
to
> show up. Every time the boy looked back at this old man, he was staring at
> him.
> The boy grew angry, because this old man had such a staring problem.
>
> So the boy stood up and said to the old man: "What's the matter, old man,
> huh?
> Never seen anybody do anything wild and crazy in their lives?"
>
> And the old man says: "Well actually, many years back, I got drunk, had
sex
> with a parrot and I was wondering if you might be my son."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 19th, 2004 at 10:37 AM
A Man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", He mumbles from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again, to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says:
"There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man finally pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice nurse, BUT are...my...test...results....back?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 20th, 2004 at 05:48 PM
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper
about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10
million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the bookkeeper where the 10 mllion dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper
signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells
the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's
when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's
temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the
underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper
signs back: "OK! You win! "The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind
the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the
attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:"He says you don't
have the balls to pull the trigger"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on July 20th, 2004 at 11:44 PM
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS
INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO
THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN,
THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED
YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS
PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU" TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK.
HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE
STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 21st, 2004 at 12:12 AM
Happened 4 times yesterday!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 21st, 2004 at 09:48 AM
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter the boy returns again and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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A.k.a.: Col
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posted on July 23rd, 2004 at 09:23 AM
A businessman sends a fax to his wife:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a
good wife.
Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".
When the husband came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same
time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also
18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".
Your Loving Wife .....................
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 23rd, 2004 at 09:25 AM
This is so sweet . . .
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 23rd, 2004 at 09:30 AM
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along..."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 23rd, 2004 at 09:31 AM
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
”I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American
flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 23rd, 2004 at 11:41 AM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single
roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 23rd, 2004 at 11:43 AM
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel.
The first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through
the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 28th, 2004 at 06:19 PM
SHE WAS SO BLONDE…
… she thought a quarterback was a refund
… she thought General Motors was in the army
… she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
… at the bottom where it said "sign here" she wrote Libra
SHE WAS SOO BLONDE…
… she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
… she sent a fax with a stamp on it
… she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
… under "education" she put "Hooked on Phonics"
SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE…
… she tripped over a cordless phone
… she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate"
… she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
… she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE…
… she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order
… she studied for a blood test
… she sold her car for gas money
… when the sign said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE…
… when she heard that 90% of crimes occurred near home, she moved
… she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
… she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
… she thought she could not use her AM radio in the evening
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 5th, 2004 at 03:55 PM
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every
year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never
get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and
not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his
tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 5th, 2004 at 04:03 PM
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Weeties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for
a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out
by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE vs. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
barls
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posted on August 12th, 2004 at 01:39 AM
Car capsita!!!
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The
Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It`sa illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."
" Vot do you mean it`z illegal?" asks the German driver.
" Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" , the Germans retort
unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5
persons."
"You can`ta pulla thata one on me!" , replies the Italian customs
agent.
" Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are
thereforea breakina da law."
The German driver replies angrily, - " You idiot! Call your supervisor
over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
" Sorry" , responds the Italian official, " he can`ta come. He`sa busy
widah 2 guys ina Fiat Uno."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 12th, 2004 at 01:45 AM
A couple go on vacation to a resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to golf at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read by the water. One
morning the husband returns after several hours of golfing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take a
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer."
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
The Officer says "have a nice day".
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 12th, 2004 at 01:48 AM
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman
finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat
jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
______________________
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on
the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this
to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make
hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
_________________________
One blonde yells across a river to another blonde, "HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"
The other blonde replies, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE..."
_________________________
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings
the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What
do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line.
________________________________________
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down
here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15 ?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love.
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face? and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years? "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have got out today
[Edited on 11-8-2004 by Oasis]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 13th, 2004 at 10:53 AM
The Ventriloquist
> > > > A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
> doing a show in a small club in Essex. With his dummy on his knee,
> > > > he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
> > > > woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
I've
> > > > heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
> > > > you can stereotype women that way? What does the Colour of a
> > > > person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's
> guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
> > > > and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a
> > > > person.... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
> > > > discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in
> > > > general...and all in the name of humour!" The ventriloquist is
> > > > embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells: "You
> > > > stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on
> your knee."
