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posted on August 14th, 2004 at 05:18 PM
This is why you should never let the girls go out on the town.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use
them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day
one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have to stop. My wife came home with no panties."
"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her bum that said "From all of us at The Fire Station. We will
never forget you! "
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 17th, 2004 at 10:39 AM
Getting Old....
At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully "and thank God we can all still drive."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 18th, 2004 at 12:59 PM
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a
little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts
fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the
girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: 'Brave
New Yorker saves the life of little girl!'
"The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh, then it will say in
newspapers in the morning: The policeman answers, 'Brave American saves life of little girl!'”
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers says: ‘Islamic extremist terrorist kills
innocent American dog’.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 18th, 2004 at 01:23 PM
BAPTIST COWBOY
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three bottles of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a bottle goes flat after
I open it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two bottles. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Longview and I had to quit drinking ........ Hasn't affected my brothers though...
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
helterskelter400
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posted on August 18th, 2004 at 04:43 PM
hope it aint been done before. its a goodie.
The Dilemma
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life..
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.. I would stay behind And wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then
drive off with the old friend for some beers.
amazer
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posted on August 18th, 2004 at 05:38 PM
pushing the boundaries
.
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Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on August 19th, 2004 at 11:13 AM
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
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posted on August 20th, 2004 at 11:41 AM
Life has now been explained.
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so
that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the
ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house
and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 20th, 2004 at 08:10 PM
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on August 21st, 2004 at 01:46 AM
well......
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"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
kombikim
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posted on August 24th, 2004 at 03:03 PM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
> was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
> though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little
> girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
> reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
> impossible.
> The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The
> teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
> "Then you ask him".
> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
> were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
> the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused
> and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat,
> or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
> and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy
> Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us
> how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little
> boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
> the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
> of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked
> at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,
> Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
> and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl
> thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come
> ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
> The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
> persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
> nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
> Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
> voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's
> dead."
> A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
> make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
> blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
> "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
> the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
> shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
> school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The
> nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
> watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
> table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
> note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Please, I need drivers side window regulator (winder mechanism) for my '54
Boozer
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posted on August 25th, 2004 at 11:29 AM
Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".
The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried
that shit with me!"
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
buzzbug
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posted on August 25th, 2004 at 09:33 PM
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for
it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on August 25th, 2004 at 09:40 PM
1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.
3) Tyres -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on August 26th, 2004 at 12:21 AM
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Alex Holzl
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posted on August 26th, 2004 at 12:27 AM
HAHAHAHAHA
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posted on August 27th, 2004 at 11:36 AM
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he
> comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even
> better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
> absolute mint condition.
>
> He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
> condition for 10 years.
>
> "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the
> bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
> protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
>
> That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
> Naturally, they take the bike there.
>
> But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to
> tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we
> don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has
to
> do the dishes."
>
> "No problem," he says. And in they go.
>
> Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
> huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of
> dishes.
>
> Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.
>
> They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
> progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans
over
> and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her
> breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her
> clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front
> of her parents.
>
> His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
> mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
>
> He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the
> mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
> way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
> dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
>
> All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe
> remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
>
> Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
that's
> enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
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posted on August 27th, 2004 at 12:17 PM
LMAO!!! :thumb:thumb:thumb
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 27th, 2004 at 03:09 PM
A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit
down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas
pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,
but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been
snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!”
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This
time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on August 27th, 2004 at 03:12 PM
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm
thinking that it should be a Kingdom"
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "again, to be a Principality you have to be
a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not
an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on August 27th, 2004 at 03:15 PM
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel,
and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came
around the corner.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just
lining up for some.
"Wow, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the
line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to
Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 28th, 2004 at 02:28 AM
Subject: Affair's
The First Affair : A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped
into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been
having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife
glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The Second Affair: There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for
the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went
to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her
a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair: A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or
cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part
he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's penis. He stuffed his prize into a
briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened up his briefcase. ! "Oh my God!" his wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the
corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue." What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even
later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair: A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?" exclaimed the man. He couldn't believe it. He glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with
chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the man. 4
cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where 's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs,
with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair: Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must
confess." There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace,
Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now relax and let
the poison work"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 28th, 2004 at 02:30 AM
"Nice country....":P
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 30th, 2004 at 11:43 PM
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?”
Mama answered, "Not yet."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 31st, 2004 at 09:59 AM
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 7th, 2004 at 10:56 AM
Why Men Are Just Happier People -
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your
nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
[Edited on 7-9-2004 by Oasis]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 7th, 2004 at 08:14 PM
Husbands, Wives and Other Stuff
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!!!
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her
husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive. She lived
for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the fucking wall!"
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. and MOST
important....
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Most married couples mainly argue about two things, sex and money, So agree the price before you start.
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
“Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in th passenger
seat that made me suspicious"
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking
Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an
unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake it’s twenty to two in the fucking morning!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 10th, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Subject: Accident, great loss, tragedy defined by Mr G.W. Bush
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher
asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy. Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."
"No", said Bush, "that would be an accident."
Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr and Mrs Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would
be tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 10th, 2004 at 12:33 AM
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three
black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator
of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for
nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In
fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men
in a contemporary society". After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really
about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert thathan the curator of the Gallery?", asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted
it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went
home for lunch."
