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posted on September 10th, 2004 at 12:36 AM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* a half-gallon of 2% milk
* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon
She was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied: "Cause you're ugly."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 12th, 2004 at 02:55 AM
Some of my favourites:
Actual metaphors from High School exams:
1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
5. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in
the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
13. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
16. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.
17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
19. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
20. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword
21. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
22. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
23. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he's none too experienced either.
On their wedding night she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My dalling' he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you belly flighten. I plomise you I give you anyting you want, I do anyting ... jus anyting you
want ...- you say...whatchou want?" he says trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for her response. She eventually replies shyly and unsurely "I want num' 69"
More thoughtful silence ... this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ... "You want ... Beef wif Bloccoli?"
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 16th, 2004 at 12:47 AM
Scam Warning!
I hate these hoax warnings, but this one is important!!!
Please send this to everyone on your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a
survey and ask you to show them your bum, do not show them your bum.
This is a scam; They only want to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 18th, 2004 at 01:05 AM
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
> It could not only
> dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any
> good bartender --
> engage in appropriate conversation.
>
> A man enters the bar, orders a drink. The robot
> serves him a perfectly
> prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man replies, "150."
>
> And the robot proceeds to make conversation about
> Quantum physics,
> string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
>
> The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is
> really cool." He
> decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar,
> turns around, and
> comes back in for another drink.
>
> Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him,
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man responds, "100."
>
> And immediately the robot starts talking, but this
> time, about football,
> NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, etc.
>
> Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides
> to give the robot
> one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him
> and asks, "What's
> your IQ?"
>
> The man replies, "50."
>
> And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush
> again?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on September 18th, 2004 at 02:14 AM
hahahaha classic!!!
MOB: 0423890217
Oasis
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posted on September 20th, 2004 at 01:50 AM
Eye me hearties.....
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on September 20th, 2004 at 07:51 PM
Basic rules for driving in Sydney.
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Sydney Driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave any distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you
in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
9. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Sydney is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to the RTA, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
11. It is traditional in Sydney to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
14. Remember that the goal of every Sydney driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
15. Real Sydney women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
16. Real Sydney men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural
selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
18. There is a common held belief in Sydney that highspeed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the
slipstream of the car in front.
19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.
20. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find
a detour around Mt Druit, Lakemba, Punchbowl and Cabramatta.
21. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
22. It's O.K when driving in Sydney's Western suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out
"arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged 5 litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on September 21st, 2004 at 06:41 PM
Scientific Fact...
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to
get a little practice in before the final exams.
He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and,
to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise,
music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops.
Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as
he pulls the cork back out again.
They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?", replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 21st, 2004 at 06:50 PM
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands." Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?" "Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she
whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the
ladies room."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 23rd, 2004 at 02:01 AM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the
locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 24th, 2004 at 11:37 AM
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
> > told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the
> > man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
> > The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
> >
> > The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some moron
> > out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was
> > finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right
> > behind him, so he added,
> >
> > "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
> >
> > The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
> > manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got
> > yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
> > with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
> > we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
> > The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
> > "You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
> > The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."
> >
> > "My wife is from New Zealand!!"
> >
> > The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
kombikim
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posted on September 24th, 2004 at 11:45 AM
THE SPOON:
(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he, too, had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked: "Why the
spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can ! reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon after enjoying my soup, and, yes, he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon the
next time I go into the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked our waiter: "Excuse
me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in
the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39%."
"After you get it out," I inquired, "how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
[Edited on 24-9-2004 by kombikim]
Please, I need drivers side window regulator (winder mechanism) for my '54
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posted on September 25th, 2004 at 02:24 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they have set-up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Tonto replies "Me see millions of stars". "What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute and replies
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies playing host to billions of stars and planets. Astrologically, it tells me
that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately 3:15 AM. Theologically, it is evident the Lord is all powerful and as small
insignificant beings, we pale in his presence. Meteorologically, we are in for a clear and beautiful day tomorrow with a light easterly breeze in the
morning. What it tell you Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, looking at Tonto in amazement, then says: "Tonto you f*ckwit. It tells ME that someone has stolen our
tent!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 26th, 2004 at 01:24 PM
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names – a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of acetaminophen is known as naproxen, amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxaflopin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix
and of course ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. The additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a
good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name Mount ‘n Do.
The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent
on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer’s research. It is believed that by 2030, there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 27th, 2004 at 02:26 PM
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many
years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
zac_smits
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posted on September 28th, 2004 at 04:24 AM
hahaha..here's my input..
>An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into
>
>a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Cascade Draught,
>
>and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
>
>other.
>
>At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
>
>place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
>
>He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
>
>because she is short of funds she agrees.
>
>The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Cascade Draught and after
>
>showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will
>
>sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only
>
>too happy to agree.
>
>This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a
>
>Cascade Draught and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him
>
>some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him,
>
>
>so she goes over and sits next to him.
>
>She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
>
>"Melbourne".
>
>"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
>
>"Glen Iris" he replies.
>
>"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
>
>" Cameo Street " he replies.
>
>"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"
>
>He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
>
>"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still
>
>live there!"
>
>"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you".
>
>HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
MOB: 0423890217
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posted on October 4th, 2004 at 08:42 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack,
a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, he promised himself a vacation after the next big score. Then he clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is
watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just
trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," >replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar
laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 5th, 2004 at 04:32 AM
interesting facts....
if you place a single drop of alcohol on a scorpion it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
a rat will last for longer without water than a camel.
umm, i forget the rest now...
zac
EDIT: NEW JOKE!
> THE EULOGY
>
> She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
> She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
>
> Again she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
> Again, her husband died.
>
> Alas, she finally died.
>
> Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The
> Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally
together."
>
> One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
> means her first, second or third husband?"
>
> The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
>
[Edited on 5-10-2004 by zac_smits]
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posted on October 6th, 2004 at 10:31 AM
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas
thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 6th, 2004 at 10:39 AM
Very funny pics:
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"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on October 7th, 2004 at 03:23 AM
only in america hey...
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zac_smits
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posted on October 10th, 2004 at 06:33 AM
Larry rode the city bus to work.
Everyday he would see nuns riding the bus to a convent downtown. He thought that one nun in particular was cute, but knew he would never get a chance
to do anything about it since nuns took a oath to be pure.
One day as the nuns exited the bus at there stop downtown Larry made a comment to the bus driver.
"Wow I would love to sleep with her."
Bob the bus driver replied, "Well there is a way."
Larry was curious to hear.
"Every full moon that nun goes to the graveyard and prays for peoples souls. If you were to dress up in a white robe and a wig with long blonde hair
you could say you are God and she would do anything you say. As a matter of fact there is supposed to be a full moon tonight!" The bus driver
explained.
Larry thought it was a great idea and greatly thanked the Bob as he made his way off the bus.
That night Larry drove to the graveyard to see if the nun was there. There was a thick mist in the graveyard with the moon shining up in the sky, and
next to a tombstone Larry saw the nun praying. Larry was so excited he put on the white robe and blonde wig, and ran out the car.
He walked up silently and hide behind a tree. He listened the the nun pray. After she had said Amen, Larry came out from behind the tree to make
himself visable to the nun.
The nun saw him and with a suprised voice said, "My Lord?"
Larry replied in a deep voice, "Yes my child."
The nun quickly fell to her nees," Your servant is at your will."
"You shall have sex with me," Larry said.
"Yes my Lord, but only anal for I want to keep the oath I have made" the nun answered.
Larry excited nodded his head.
She bent over and Larry went to work.
As he finished the nun asked, "Is that all my Lord"
Larry laughed and pulled of the robe and wig to reveal himself.
"HAH! I'M LARRY THE GUY FROM THE BUS!"
The nun then pulled of her clothes to reveal herself
HAH! I'M BOB THE BUS DRIVER!"
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zac_smits
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posted on October 10th, 2004 at 06:39 AM
Linda and Carl hav ebeen married for 50 years. They have had there ups and downs but in the end they have made it through.
To celebrate their 50th anniversary they thought it would be a great idea to go back to the old dinner where they had their first date.
As they were seated at the dinner they were congradulated by everyone for accomplishment
A police officer happened to be sitting in the next booth over to Linda and Carl.
As Linda and Carl's meal progressed so did there conversation.
Carl asked Linda, "Remember when we used to have sex on the fence right behind here?"
Linda bashfully nodded yes.
"Wouldn't it be great to go back there and do it again? For old-times sakes."
"Oh Carl" Linda replied
The police officer had heard their whole conversation and could hardly control himself from laughing. As the couple left the dinner the police officer
thought to himself he had to see this, so he followed them out and behind the dinner.
The police officer peeked around the corner of the building to see what was going on. He saw the old lady facing the fence as she pulled down her
knickers and the old man standing behind her pulling down his draws.
The police officer thought to himself he had better keep a watch out so nobody would walk in on them.
As he watched he saw the old lady grab the fence as the old man grabed her waist and went to work.
The Officer was amazed and how hard and fast the old man was going.
It continued non-stop for about 1 hr.
Finally the old women and old man fell to the floor. They laid there on the floor lifeless for a while, then slowly got up and put back on there
clothes.
The police officer had to ask what was the old mans secret was.
As the old couple walked away the Police Officer approached Carl and shook his hand. "Sir may I asked what is your secret? I mean after 50 years what
did you do to go that hard and last so long?"
The old man looked up at him exhausted and said, " 50 years ago that was not an electric fence!"
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zac_smits
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posted on October 10th, 2004 at 06:44 AM
oh this one is just classic!!!
Hev ewe got a keewee iksunt?
Have you spent years trying but ultimately failing to understand what New
Zealanders are saying? By following these easy steps you too can hold a
conversation with a New Zealander. Tip - you'll need to sound these out
either in your mind or aloud. What you hear and what it really means:
FOR BIST EFICT RID THESE OUT ALOUD!!!
Milburn ........................Capital of Victoria
Peck ..........................I'm packing a suitcase
Pissed aside .................. Chemical which terminates insects
Pigs .......................... Hang out washing with
Pump .......................... To act as agent for prostitute
Pug .......................... Large animal
Nin tin dough ................. Computer game
Munner stroney .................A kind of soup
Min ........................... Male of the species
Mess Kara ..................... eye makeup
Mckennock ..................... person who fixes cars
Mere........................... Mayor
Leather ........................foam produced from soap
Lift .......................... To leave
Kiri Pecker ....................Famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps...................Potato chips
Key tongue .....................ex OZ Prime Minister
Ken's...........................Cairns
Jumbo...........................pet name for Jimmy Connors (tennis player)
Jungle bills ...................Xmas carol
Inner me .......................enemy
Guess ..........................Vapour
Fush........................... marine creatures
Fitter cheney.................. type of pasta
Ever cardeau ..................Avocado
Fear hear...................... blonde
Ear.............................mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks................... exercise at the gym
Duffy cult......................not easy
Bug hut ....................... popular recording
Bun button ................... .been bitten - by insect
Amejen ........................ Visualise
BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the billy"
BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria" "E-Jupp "and Libinon
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff
GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves.
SENDELS: Thongs, open shoes
COLOUR: Terminator, murderer.
CUSS: Pursing & thun metting of lups
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".
FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with
"ruggertony"
And finally after a recent rugby international between our 2 nations some
wag had written on the stadium wall "Australia Sucks". The following day
though this had been amended to show the full score. "Australia Sucks -
New Zealand Nul"
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zac_smits
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posted on October 11th, 2004 at 09:54 PM
Onestone
> >
> >
> >>
> >>
> >> > > There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so
> >> > > named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and
> >> > > asked everyone not to call him Onestone!
> >> > >
> >> > > After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
> >> > > said,
> >> > >
> >> > > "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word
> >> > > got
> >> around
> >> > > and nobody called him that any more.
> >> > >
> >> > > Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
> >
> >> > > morning, Onestone..."
> >> > >
> >> > > He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
> >> > > he
> >> made
> >> > > love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
> >> > > next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got
> >> > > around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years
> >> > > went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
> >
> >> > > named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
> >> > > many years.
> >> > >
> >> > > Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
> >> > > saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,
> >> > > Onestone..."
> >> > >
> >> > > Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
> >> > > love
> >> to
> >> > > her all day, made love to her all ! night, made love to her all
> >> > > the
> >> next
> >> > > day, made love
> >> > > to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is
> >> > > the moral of this story?
> >> > > Think about it ..
> >> > > And the moral is .
> >> > > ''...You can't kill two birds with one stone. :-)
> >> > >
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
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posted on October 12th, 2004 at 08:33 AM
LMAO!!! :thumb:thumb:thumb
Kruizin Kol
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posted on October 13th, 2004 at 01:29 AM
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......................
