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posted on October 24th, 2004 at 07:51 PM


.

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posted on October 24th, 2004 at 07:52 PM


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posted on October 24th, 2004 at 08:42 PM


A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000, or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense, and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here - and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance....."




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posted on October 25th, 2004 at 05:01 PM


the future of petrol prices
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v353/barls80/WhoSaysT5.jpg




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posted on October 25th, 2004 at 07:11 PM


oasisi - hahahahahaha



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posted on October 27th, 2004 at 08:42 PM


hahah no this one is classic!!!

"A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road,and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."




The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
"




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posted on October 27th, 2004 at 08:58 PM


okay..

here's a link to download a letter of complaint that was sent to telstra... just got it sent to me by my mum.. quality stuff guys...

http://s11.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=AE5C1CE9BB165FE438CD95272EBD7BE5 

zac




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posted on November 2nd, 2004 at 07:21 AM


geez!! all the way back on page 4.

here's one for ya all...

http://img2.exs.cx/img2/4404/Themalebrainrelaxing.jpg




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posted on November 2nd, 2004 at 07:50 AM


http://loud-noises.com/Forumstuff/hititjackblackanim.gif

http://loud-noises.com/Forumstuff/mrbean.gif

http://lostbytes.net/zig/macro_hitlerjoke.gif

http://www.uniqueautosports.com/nick/boratdance124.gif

:D




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posted on November 3rd, 2004 at 09:49 AM


hahaha

--------------------------------------------------
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
> For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
> For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
> For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
> For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth
control!
>
>
>
> 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom
> house about 4 inches deep.
>
> 2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it
with
> roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
>
> 3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
> restaurant.
>
> 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
> strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and
> Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,

> to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
>
> 5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using
> the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
> before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
>
> 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit

> by a ceiling fan.
>
> 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's
> already too late.
>
> 8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
>
> 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a

> 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
>
> 10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a

> 4-year old.
>
> 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
>
> 12. Super glue is forever.
>
> 13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still
> can't walk on water.
>
> 14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
>
> 15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials
show
> they do.
>
> 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
>
> 17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very
> expensive to remove.
>
> 18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
>
> 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
> not like ovens.
>
> 20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20
minutes.
>
> 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
>
>
> 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
>
> 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
>
> 24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amassing thing.
>
> 25. True story: One day the infant school teacher was reading the
> story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of
> the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building
> materials
for
> his home. She read," ..And so the pig went up to the man with the
> wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have
> some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked

> the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy
> raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy xxxxx! A talking
pig!'" The
> teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake
fluid
-------------------------------------------




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posted on November 3rd, 2004 at 02:13 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by zac_smits
> 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake
fluid
-------------------------------------------

Haha, the thought had crossed my mind :)
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posted on November 3rd, 2004 at 02:39 PM


Quote:

> 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake
fluid
-------------------------------------------


tried it. didn't work. BUT! mixing 2 parts chlorine and 3 parts antifreeze work much better! cause I just did it.




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posted on November 3rd, 2004 at 05:48 PM


hahahha!



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posted on November 5th, 2004 at 12:16 AM


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"




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posted on November 5th, 2004 at 12:21 AM


BLONDE GUY gets home early from work and hears strange noises
> coming from the bedroom.
>
> He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating
> and panting.
>
> "What's up?" says BLONDE GUY.
>
> "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
>
> BLONDE GUY rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
> dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says:
>
> "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's
> got no clothes on!"
>
> The BLONDE GUY slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
> bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
> Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on
> the wardrobe floor.
>
> "You rotten bastard," says the BLONDE GUY, "my wife's having a
> heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"




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posted on November 5th, 2004 at 02:21 AM


haha wasn't that one posted a few days ago???



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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 09:13 PM


.

Error
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some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 09:15 PM


.

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some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 09:16 PM


.

[Edited on 7-11-2004 by buzzbug]

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some people are like slinky's
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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 09:17 PM


.

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some people are like slinky's
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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 09:19 PM


.

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some people are like slinky's
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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 09:20 PM


.

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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 11:31 PM


Having a Bad Day ? Read on.....


Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out
section of a forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on
his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but
from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a
fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving
off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking
to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in
the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip
bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby
in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the
crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly
large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the
paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the
Attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the
motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at
the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He
went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his
legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his
trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once
again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.
She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped,
dropping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining
stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view,
a killer whale ate them both.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Still having bad day?

A wife came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?




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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 11:49 PM


A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's
Twenty first Birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over
to
the counter.

A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark
shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this
rod and
reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it
on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it
from the
sound
it makes.

"She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite
667
Model
rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb
Berkley
Fireline.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week
for only
$199.00.

"She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound
of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not
likely
that
the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.

He may not know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you
tell me it
was
on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the
duck
caller
is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."




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posted on November 7th, 2004 at 11:51 PM


FAMOUS CHINESE PROVERBS (and all are true)
>
> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> Man who run in front of car get tired
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> Young girl's panties next to best thing on earth.
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.




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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 12:02 AM


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
>day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife
> replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
>to men...
>
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"





> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
>and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me
>to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
>made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!
>




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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 12:11 AM


A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
> > told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the
> > man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
> > The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
> >
> > The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some moron
> > out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was
> > finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right
> > behind him, so he added,
> >
> > "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
> >
> > The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
> > manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got
> > yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
> > with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
> > we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
> > The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
> > "You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
> > The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."
> >
> > "My wife is from New Zealand!!"
> >
> > The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"




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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 06:04 AM


mahahahahaha

good laughs for ma sunday night!!

thanks guys!




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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 09:24 AM


FLAT STOMACH

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."




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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 09:26 AM


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said....




Kruizin Kol
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