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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 09:35 AM
hahahaha
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KruizinKombi
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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 10:14 AM
THE LOTTO TICKET!
One night the wife comes home form work with a spectacular
diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there was barely
enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"
Kruizin Kol
zac_smits
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posted on November 8th, 2004 at 10:19 AM
hahaha i love this stuff!!!
(and yes i have nothing better to do at 12.18am on a monday
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posted on November 9th, 2004 at 11:27 AM
about the bleach and brake fluid - mix 25 parts fertiliser to 1 part diesel and 1 detonator - hehehe...
early 60s beetle for sale - ex bush basher - spares - $100 or offers
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posted on November 9th, 2004 at 12:26 PM
once you mix that, run like the clappers
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on November 9th, 2004 at 12:29 PM
Yeah ANFO. it's well known. Works well too.:thumb
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on November 9th, 2004 at 01:08 PM
and cheap as chips
early 60s beetle for sale - ex bush basher - spares - $100 or offers
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posted on November 9th, 2004 at 01:48 PM
Nudist Colony
> > >>>>
> > >>>> An older man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first
day
> > >>>> there he took off his clothes and wandered around. A gorgeous
petite
> > >>>> blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and said,
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "Did you call for me?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The man replied
> > >>>> "No; what do you mean?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>> She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
> > >>>> that if
> > >>>> you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led
> > >>>> him to
> > >>>> the
> > >>>> side of the swimming pool, lay down on a towel, eagerly pulled him
> > >>>> to her
> > >>>> and happily let him have his way with her.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Afterwards, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
> > >>>> He entered
> > >>>> the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within minutes a huge
> > >>>> hairy man
> > >>>> lumbered out of the steam room toward him and asked
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "Did you call for me?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "No; what do you mean?" said the newcomer.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you
> > >>>> fart, it
> > >>>> implies that
> > >>>> you called for me." The huge man then spun him around, bent him
> > >>>> over a bench
> > >>>> and had his way with him.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was
> > >>>> greeted
> > >>>> by the smiling naked receptionist,
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "May I help you?" she said."
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The man said, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
> > >>>> and you
> > >>>> can keep the $500 membership fee."
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "But sir," she replied, "you've only been here for a few hours.
> > >>>> You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities yet.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The man replied, "Listen Miss, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
> > >>>> erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day - I'm out of
here!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on November 9th, 2004 at 05:10 PM
two blokes are camping in africa. one bloke goes to do a crap in the bush. soon he is running back, screaming his head off. the other bloke goes
'what happened?'
the man says 'there's an elephant in the bush and he raped me.'
the second bloke has a look and says 'nope, sorry mate, elephants don't have dicks that big, they only have tiny little things. it wasn't an
elephant'
the first bloke says.....
......
......
'yeah but he fingered me first.'
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posted on November 9th, 2004 at 06:51 PM
a woman goes running into a police station yelling "I've been graped, I've been graped"
The young constable says "don't you mean raped?"
the woman replies "No there was a bunch of them!"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on November 10th, 2004 at 07:54 AM
Did you hear Eminem has collaborated with Cockney singing duo Chas 'n' Dave for his next single?
It's called: "Knees up, Mother F***ker"
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posted on November 10th, 2004 at 01:41 PM
President Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her: "How do you run an efficient government? Any tips you can give me?"
And the Queen says: "Well, the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns, and replies: "Well, how do I know the people around me are really intelligent or not?"
The Queen takes a little sip of tea, and says: "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them a riddle". Then the Queen pushes the button on her intercom and
says: "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
So Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiles at Tony and says: "Tony, answer me this, would you? Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother, and it's not your
sister. Who is it?"
Without hesitating, Tony Blair says: "Well, that would be me."
The Queen smiles and says: "Very good, thank you!"
So, back at the White House, Bush is a bit puzzled. So, he asks to speak with Donald Rumsfeld: "Hey Don, answer this for me, would ya? Your mother
and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister... who is it?
Donald Rumsfeld frowns and says: "Gee, I'm not sure... let me get back to you." So, Donald Rumsfeld goes to all advisors, and asks everyone he can,
but no one can answer it for him.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room, and he recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. So Don shouts over to him: "Hey Colin... can you
answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not you sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powel flushes, and yells back: "Hey, that's easy... it's me!"
Donald Rumsfeld smiles and yells: "Thanks!"
So, Donald Rumsfeld goes back into the Oval Office and tells Bush: "Hey, I finally figured out the answer to that riddle! It's Colin Powell!"
Bush gets up, and angrily stomps over to Donald Rumsfeld. Bush yells right in Don's face: "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!
Please, I need drivers side window regulator (winder mechanism) for my '54
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posted on November 11th, 2004 at 09:05 AM
Did you ever realize that deer = time and money. This came to me through two of my friends. The first and more obvious is that of the hunter. This
person spends hundreds on equipment and then hours in the woods waiting for the deer to come and be slaughter. Once a deer is destroyed it must be
preserved and such, all costing money and taking large amounts of people's time. The second reason is that another friend parked his car. A deer then
proceeded to walk up to his car and along the hood, damaging the front of the car. The repairs took a week of his car time and a decent amount of
money. Therefore deer = time and money.
Now then since it has already been established that girls = time and money it can then be assumed that girls = deer. With this in mind we go back to
the first example for deer and realize that deer also = hunted. Thus we can reach the conclusion that girls = hunted. Then, with the final leap of
reasoning we realize that deer are overpopulated and need there numbers reduced so it is obvious to me that we should take out every other girl and
shoot them, skin them, and mount there heads as trophys.
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posted on November 13th, 2004 at 05:20 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by zac_smits
Did you ever realize that deer = time and money. This came to me through two of my friends. The first and more obvious is that of the hunter. This
person spends hundreds on equipment and then hours in the woods waiting for the deer to come and be slaughter. Once a deer is destroyed it must be
preserved and such, all costing money and taking large amounts of people's time. The second reason is that another friend parked his car. A deer then
proceeded to walk up to his car and along the hood, damaging the front of the car. The repairs took a week of his car time and a decent amount of
money. Therefore deer = time and money.
Now then since it has already been established that girls = time and money it can then be assumed that girls = deer. With this in mind we go back to
the first example for deer and realize that deer also = hunted. Thus we can reach the conclusion that girls = hunted. Then, with the final leap of
reasoning we realize that deer are overpopulated and need there numbers reduced so it is obvious to me that we should take out every other girl and
shoot them, skin them, and mount there heads as trophys.
At last, some sensible logic...
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on November 13th, 2004 at 05:22 PM
Do you know who the most popular guy in the nudist colony is? It's the one that can carry 2 cups of tea and 6 donuts in one go...
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on November 14th, 2004 at 12:53 AM
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went
unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on November 14th, 2004 at 01:06 AM
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell,
"You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one
day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He said, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to
move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's
finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.
He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought tomyself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I
noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 867-5309 and yelling, "You're jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the
jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass
said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro is parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he
got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my
life!
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on November 14th, 2004 at 01:10 AM
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do
here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "we take off all our clothes off and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read,
"Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the samething"
Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque
set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque
and it said,
" Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on November 14th, 2004 at 01:13 AM
Confession
Sins
Bless me Father, for I have
sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy
Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast
lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend
church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides
over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on November 14th, 2004 at 01:17 AM
Lost in the forest.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
zac_smits
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posted on November 14th, 2004 at 02:25 AM
hahahahaha nice guys!
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posted on November 17th, 2004 at 09:16 AM
okay..here's my contribution...
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking
by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35
ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
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posted on November 17th, 2004 at 09:24 AM
okay one more...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up,
bitch!"
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posted on November 18th, 2004 at 03:16 PM
xmas present for blondes
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on November 18th, 2004 at 03:43 PM
you could probably market that amazer!
there has to be someone out there stupid enough.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on November 18th, 2004 at 04:24 PM
I would buy one for my folks ... they would probably try and use it to
...GOLD!
¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.-> Keepin' it Real !!
Oasis
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posted on November 19th, 2004 at 03:07 PM
Cow Tail
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and
he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and
lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this
look like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on November 21st, 2004 at 10:06 AM
This one needs a picture!
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart, made of red roses. When
the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It
was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the
man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?" "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
gynaecologist".
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 25th, 2004 at 10:15 AM
Boobs vs. Penises
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't .... there are all kinds of breasts... depending on a woman's
age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an
oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree in
January."
"A Christmas tree, Mum?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on December 3rd, 2004 at 01:24 AM
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when
the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for
child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just
give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
