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 zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on December 6th, 2004 at 07:34 AM |
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1. The bigger the hat , the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage
sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a good bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
14. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
15. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
16. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for
it).
17. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
not trying.
18. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
19. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the
fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
20. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the Motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
21. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
22. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test: a) Mowing a sloping lawn (at least
20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB (Beer) while watching the cricket. b) If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to
pass yourself off as an Aussie.
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on December 6th, 2004 at 07:56 AM |
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Algebra for Everyday Life
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it
goes.
Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits
of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that:
1.The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2.The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on December 6th, 2004 at 09:18 AM |
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Shrewd Investment
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new
Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on December 6th, 2004 at 09:21 AM |
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New Improved Lawnmowers
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating
grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
[Edited on 5-12-2004 by zac_smits]
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
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| posted on December 7th, 2004 at 05:51 PM |
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A letter from the British Home Office to the people of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end
your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "inte rspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When
you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is underst andable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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Stanley
Compulsive Aussie Vee Dubber
I guess the reward is in the doing of it
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| posted on December 8th, 2004 at 06:50 AM |
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
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| posted on December 8th, 2004 at 03:00 PM |
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Q: How do you make a duck play soul music?
A: Put him in the oven till his Bill Withers.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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 barls
A.k.a.: Mr indestructible
Super Administrator
Causer of Chaos and Mayhem
Posts: 9469
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Mood: indestructible? and listening to the voices
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| posted on December 9th, 2004 at 04:12 PM |
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook
It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag
9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds
5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
kombi pilot
Posts: 3187
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Mood: Peachy!
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| posted on December 10th, 2004 at 11:00 AM |
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Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time...so you don't have to
Hang in there, retirement is only twenty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, and Avoid Disappointment.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
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| posted on December 10th, 2004 at 11:09 AM |
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mahaha
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
kombi pilot
Posts: 3187
Threads: 308
Registered: August 26th, 2002
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Location: Wollongong
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Peachy!
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| posted on December 10th, 2004 at 11:38 AM |
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good for getting into tight spaces, such as spark plugs behind your IDA manifolds, etc
| Error |
| Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments. |
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Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
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| posted on December 10th, 2004 at 11:43 AM |
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heh..i look at that site as well..some damn funny pics on there 
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
kombi pilot
Posts: 3187
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Registered: August 26th, 2002
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Location: Wollongong
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| posted on December 10th, 2004 at 11:48 AM |
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i dont look at the pictures... I just read the articles :blush
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
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| posted on December 10th, 2004 at 11:50 AM |
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articles???
what articles???
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
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| posted on December 11th, 2004 at 08:48 AM |
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WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
HE. " Can I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
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| posted on December 11th, 2004 at 09:05 AM |
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My Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the
City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
"But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the
wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around
Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the
wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my
wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at
night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the
morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for
my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now
it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a
man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
Joke 4:
Restroom Poetry
The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms
(fill in the blanks using your imagination):
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to ****
But I'm out of paper
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And **** my pants!
Some people come here to take a ****,
I came here to leave one.
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to **** and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bull**** on the walls...
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to **** out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you.
(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
(Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine)
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
MOB: 0423890217
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
Posts: 1806
Threads: 77
Registered: July 5th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Cammeray, Sydney
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Deep
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| posted on December 12th, 2004 at 01:13 AM |
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An elderly man in Auckland calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to
> > ruin your day, but I have to tell you that you mother and I are
> > divorcing, forty five years of misery is enough."
> >
> > "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
> >
> > "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
> > "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
> > call your sister in Brisbane and tell her" and he hangs up.
> >
> > Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
> > heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
> >
> > She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
> > getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
> > calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
> > don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
> >
> > The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife, "OK he says,
> > they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
Posts: 1806
Threads: 77
Registered: July 5th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Cammeray, Sydney
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Deep
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| posted on December 12th, 2004 at 01:43 AM |
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Dear Friends.
>
>I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
>this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some
>goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.
>
>I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
>but we had a little problem.
>
>The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling
>with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the
>8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for
>doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying,
>4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in
>a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
>
>On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
>reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and
>some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for
>the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit
>together and bring you the things you want.
>
>This year I suggest you get your asses down to K-Mart before
>everything is gone.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Santa Claus
[Edited on 11-12-2004 by Oasis]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
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| posted on December 12th, 2004 at 01:52 AM |
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hahaha nice
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
Threads: 67
Registered: January 29th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Hating Exams
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| posted on December 12th, 2004 at 10:56 PM |
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Yes I am an Aussie!
Here's a little Christmas cheer for all from the Australian Bureau of Statistics
*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.
*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
and finally:
*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing
out) while throwing up into the toilet.
YEP! its great to be Australian!
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
Posts: 9121
Threads: 230
Registered: August 26th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: croydon, melbourne
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Cruisy
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| posted on December 12th, 2004 at 11:01 PM |
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Well that's very cheery news ... not :jesus
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ColumBUS
A.k.a.: The Liquid Chef
Wolfsburg Elder
Hail To The Bus Driver!
Posts: 3601
Threads: 164
Registered: September 12th, 2004
Member Is Offline
Location: Sydney CBD... Sydney!
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Euro - Trashed
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| posted on December 13th, 2004 at 06:46 AM |
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class act fellas keep it up
merry christmas!
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
Threads: 67
Registered: January 29th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Hating Exams
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| posted on December 13th, 2004 at 07:10 AM |
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http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/stfu.swf
slow it down and you can see that it's a collins dictionary :P
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
Threads: 67
Registered: January 29th, 2003
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Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
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| posted on December 13th, 2004 at 08:13 AM |
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nice chainsaw!!
http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/video/ultimatechainsaw.asf
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
Threads: 67
Registered: January 29th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Hating Exams
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| posted on December 13th, 2004 at 11:47 PM |
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The Operation..
The Operation
2.2mb
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
Posts: 1806
Threads: 77
Registered: July 5th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Cammeray, Sydney
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Deep
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| posted on December 15th, 2004 at 10:14 AM |
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Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my
hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had
used a firewall, and once it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
Posts: 9121
Threads: 230
Registered: August 26th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: croydon, melbourne
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Cruisy
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| posted on December 15th, 2004 at 10:24 AM |
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lol that a good one 
..... so it was a cyber conception .....not an immaculate conception....What does that make the son....the son of Bill Gates? :jesus
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
Posts: 1806
Threads: 77
Registered: July 5th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Cammeray, Sydney
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Deep
|
| posted on December 15th, 2004 at 10:27 AM |
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His Dad might have been a Unix......
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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jenz58
Scirocco Rare
Postal Menace
Posts: 9121
Threads: 230
Registered: August 26th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: croydon, melbourne
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Cruisy
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| posted on December 15th, 2004 at 10:28 AM |
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hahaha dat even better!!
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
Wolfsburg Elder
Coolest Person Ever!
Posts: 3634
Threads: 67
Registered: January 29th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Hating Exams
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| posted on December 16th, 2004 at 03:59 AM |
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^^
geeks :P
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