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posted on December 16th, 2004 at 04:15 AM
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that
if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or
I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly
up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned
during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his
ear, you don't mess with him."
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zac_smits
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posted on December 16th, 2004 at 04:24 AM
The Firefighter
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Stanley
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I guess the reward is in the doing of it
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posted on December 16th, 2004 at 06:53 AM
Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk.
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent to me ."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Heck! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk........
Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."
Oasis
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posted on December 19th, 2004 at 01:09 AM
>
> On a poster at Kencom:
> ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
>
> One of the Mathare buildings:
> MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
>
> A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
> DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
>
> Sign in Japanese public bath:
> FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
>
> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
> GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
> BED.
>
> Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
> THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
> THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
>
> Hotel elevator, Paris:
> PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
>
> Hotel, Yugoslavia:
> THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
> CHAMBERMAID.
>
> Hotel, Japan:
> YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
>
> Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
> NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS
> OF ASCENSION.
>
> In an East African newspaper:
> A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
> THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
>
> Sign in men's toilet room in Japan:
> TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
>
> Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
> WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
> MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
> TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
>
> Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
> COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
> PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
>
> Cocktail lounge, Norway:
> LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
>
> At a Budapest zoo:
> PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
> TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
>
> Doctors office, Rome:
> SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>
> Hotel, Acapulco:
> THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
>
> In a Nairobi restaurant:
> CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
>
> On an Athi River highway:
> TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
>
> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
> OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
>
> In a Tokyo bar:
> SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
>
> In a Bangkok temple:
> IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
>
> Hotel, Vienna:
> IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
>
> A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
> IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
> OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
> TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
>
> Hotel, Zurich:
> BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
> IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
> PURPOSE.
>
> An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
> TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
>
> A laundry in Rome:
> LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
> TIME.
>
> The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
> GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
>
> Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
> WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
>
> On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
> IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT
>
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on December 20th, 2004 at 01:36 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she
might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the
house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's
dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced ! by
all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to
her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
zac_smits
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posted on December 21st, 2004 at 03:24 AM
hahahah
^^typical blonde!!
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penguin
A.k.a.: Chris
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ackkkkkk thhhhhpt!
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posted on December 21st, 2004 at 11:54 AM
For Christmas little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said; 'Son, we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother has just lost her job.
There is just no way we can afford it'.
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. He asked, 'Son, where are you going?’
Little Patrick told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too.’
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself over Christmas with an $80,000 mortgage to pay and no f***ing bike or job.'
'Ah, whatever................'
theverybigtallman
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posted on December 21st, 2004 at 07:01 PM
hehe penguin very good
early 60s beetle for sale - ex bush basher - spares - $100 or offers
amazer
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:20 AM
FUNNY POEM ENDINGS (may have been posted before)
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed
2. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.
4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Dang, I'm good at telling lies!
8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life
9. I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
10. My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
11. My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
amazer
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:27 AM
TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The biscuits I'd nibbled, the champagne I'd taste.
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese.
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt.
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend all Summer disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a biscuit-not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot scones, or cake, or fruit pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to laugh, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
amazer
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:28 AM
AUSSIE LOVE POEM
AUSSIE LOVE POEM
OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
YOUR A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
AND WHEN I SAY UR GORGEOUS
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD
SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
I DON'T MIND A BIT OF FLAB
IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY
THERE'S SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB
SO YOUR BELLY ISN'T FLAT NO MORE
I TELL YA, I DON'T CARE
SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA
I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE
NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE
HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS
THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY
BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST
IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW
I NEVER TELL YA LIES
I THINK ITS VERY SEXY
THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS
I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE
NOW THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD
AS I WAS EVER GONNA GET
NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE
ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR
NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTY'S ON
AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER!
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
amazer
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:33 AM
Happy Jappy
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on
the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers. "Harro," says the jappy chappy.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet," replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I tol you" says the Japanese man.
"Mate," says the dustman, "you're misunderstanding me. Where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK, OK!" says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
Hbbear
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:36 AM
A stranger was seated next to Tommy on the plane.
The stranger turned to the boy and said,"Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass
.. the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
amazer
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:40 AM
aussie culture
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage
sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have
very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not
be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the
development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
18. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for
it.
20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe
we've tipped 10 per cent.
22. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back
to the car, you are not trying.
23. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is
acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
24. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
25. A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
26. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
27. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
28. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
29. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
30. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
is "being made on my mobile".
31. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
32. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
Hbbear
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:41 AM
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open
on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
Winter is here.........Footy is here........now where is my beer.........
amazer
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posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:53 AM
secrets of a happy marriage
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday.
We sleep in separate beds - hers in Sydney, mine in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread-maker. When she said that she had too
many gadgets but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.
Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right - I just didn't know that her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months - I don't like to interrupt her.
The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".
In the beginning,- God created the earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then, neither God nor man
has rested.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
Oasis
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posted on December 30th, 2004 at 10:07 PM
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" "Yes, I served two
>tours in
Vietnam." "Good, that counts in your favour.
Do you have any service-related disabilities?" "I am 100% disabled.
A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled, it
doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, can hire you right now! Our
working hours are 8 to 4.
Come on in about 10,and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around
and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on December 31st, 2004 at 01:04 AM
I'm part French but I still thought this was funny...
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
> behind me."
> --- General George S. Patton
>
>
> "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
> accordion."
> --Norman Schwartzkopf
>
>
> "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
> ---- Marge Simpson
>
>
> "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
> ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
> "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
> ---Rush Limbaugh,
>
>
> "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
> sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
> --- Regis Philbin
>
>
> "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
> 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
> face for it."
> ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
>
>
> "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates
> America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
> "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't
> help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the
> Germans out of France!"
> --Jay Leno
>
>
> "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris
> under a German flag."
> --David Letterman
>
>
> How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
> One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
>
>
> Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
>
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on December 31st, 2004 at 01:08 AM
puns (I'm not sure if I posted this earlier...)
> > .1. Two vultures board an airplane; each carries two dead raccoons. The
> > stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
> > carrion allowed per passenger."
> > >
> > 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
> > became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
> > never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the
> > lesser of two weevils."
> > >
> > 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but, when they lit a fire
> in
> > the craft, it sank, proving once again that: you can't have your kayak
and
> > heat it, too.
> > >
> > 4. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up
to
> > the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> > >
> > 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root
> > canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
> > >
> > 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in
> > the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
> hour,
> > the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?"
> > one asked, as they moved off.
> > "Because," the manager replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
> > open foyer."
> > >
> > 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain;
> > they name him "Juan."
> > Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
> > receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had
> a
> > picture of Ahmal.
> > Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
> > Ahmal."
> > >
> > 8. A group of friars were behind on their grocery payments, so they
opened
> > up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
> flowers
> > from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
> was
> > unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
> > He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
> rival
> > florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town
> to
> > "persuade" them to close.
> > Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
> they
> > didn't close up shop.
> > Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can
> > prevent florist friars.
> > >
> > 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
> > produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
> little,
> > which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
> > breath. This made him ... what?
> > A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
> > >
> > 10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to
> friends,
> > with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 4th, 2005 at 10:03 AM
Eight Words With Two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
amazer
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posted on January 4th, 2005 at 10:07 AM
Divinely Blonde
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win
the lottery.”
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please
just let me win this once.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
“Sweetheart, work with me on it this time,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on January 22nd, 2005 at 01:11 AM
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all
promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month,
a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 22nd, 2005 at 11:28 PM
The pickle packing factory.
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to
dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he
would never have peace of mind.
Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early. His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully
confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been
fired from his job.
Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. Looking
up she said, "Yossel, I don't understand. What happened with the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 23rd, 2005 at 01:52 AM
There are three types of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 24th, 2005 at 08:01 PM
This is sad and funny:
Definitions of a nation entwine myth and reality. But what if there is more than one meaning to the words or phrases we use to define ourselves?
Warwick McFadyen offers some alternative meanings for the experience of being Australian.
ABORIGINES: the first home owners. Their life expectancy is 20 years less than that of other Australians. Few non-Aborigines would see this at
first-hand, however, because few have anything to do with them. Their life and culture is a mystery to most, which is why at first they were killed
with bullets and strong beliefs and now are the subject of praise in art galleries and of pusillanimity in relating to them as equals.
ABC: the national broadcaster, continually boxed around the ears by the hand that feeds it.
ADELAIDE: as befits the city of churches, it is still aspiring.
ALLIES: a group, most commonly of countries and businessmen, in which the common denominator of all is the vested interest of each.
ANZAC: one leg of the tripod - the others being "mateship" and "fair go" - on which the national camera sits and takes snapshots of the country's
soul. Is dragged out more and more frequently to be used for advertising shots.
APOLOGY: Once simple in meaning (to wit, "I'm sorry such and such occurred"), it now has taken on more shades of meaning than a rainbow caught in a
shredding machine.
ARTS: a minor sport played by both elite and amateur athletes, most of whom are unknown to the public.
ASSIMILATION: a three-stage process: 1. absorption; 2. conversion; 3. resemblance. Most often referred to in an ethnic sense and generally thought to
be a good thing except when race riots occur. Then it's a bad thing and, looking back, should never have been attempted.
AUSTRALIAN NATIVES: plants, animals and humans indigenous to this continent, the survival of many of them being threatened.
AUSTRALIAN RULES: a game played among various tribes, the aim being for one tribe to kick a ball through tall sticks more times than the other tribe.
BACK OF BEYOND: a mythical region out of reach of city dwellers. From this great nothingness long shadows are cast to the coastline.
BASTARD: a term of endearment, a term of rage, a term of disgust. To a lesser extent, a term of illegitimacy.
BATTLER: the perfect specimen of Australiana. Displays attributes admired but not envied, such as poverty, working-class background and the tendency
to go up against circumstances beyond his or her control.
BEACH: the yellow ribbon that wraps the nation in an ill-founded sense of equality
BILL OF RIGHTS: unnecessary for the citizenry who, because they enjoy unrivalled sunshine, surf and sport, are deemed already to have the good life.
BONDI: Australia seen from space.
BRADMAN: Sir Donald. A Test batsman who fell 0.06 short of perfection.
BRISBANE: the country town that grew up to become Brisbane.
BRONZED AUSSIE: the ideal man or woman, until skin cancer kicks in.
CANBERRA: the national capital, home to politicians and media. Once was a sheep paddock. Still is.
CELEBRITY: the hollow vessel on the sea of mediocrity. Andy Warhol was wrong about how long each vessel would stay float: 15 minutes now seems like an
eternity.
COMMONWEALTH: a $100 concept for a $10 reality, which owes its existence to the common link of fealty to a distant monarch. A rare example of a
non-sequitur contained within one word.
CONSTITUTION: a document unknown to most Australians.
CONVICT: the first settler who, transported for stealing a sheep, helped to build a nation that lived off its back. The convict strain, once denied,
is now celebrated.
CRICKET: a game between two tribes, in which one tries to hit three sticks with a ball while the other tribe tries to hit the ball away from said
sticks with another stick.
CRINGE: the crumpled cardigan at the bottom of the cupboard.
CULTURE: the cupboard, the inside of which is perceived differently by whoever opens its doors. Australia has many cultures: there's the footy
cupboard, the beach cupboard, the low cupboard and the high cupboard.
DARWIN: too far away to matter (see also Perth). A feeling reciprocated by its residents towards the rest of the country.
DESERT: three-quarters of the continent. Sometimes invoked as a metaphor for the state of public debate.
DIGGER: once a man, now a myth.
DINbGO: a dog, nothing more nor less.
DROVER'S DOG: the real leader of a mob of sheep.
DOWN UNDER: a more accurate definition of the perception of Australia from abroad than most imagine.
ELECTIONS: the process by which the great unwashed are promised a bar of soap every three years if they will vote for the giver of said soap.
Characterised in Australia by battles between the party of purity and the party of cleanliness.
ELITE: this being an egalitarian society there are, of course, none known by this term, except for the sports elite, the cultural elite and the class
elite. The members of these groups can be identified by their ability to cross-pollinate with each other.
EUREKA: the place where the Southern Cross fell to earth.
FAIR GO: a pillar of granite in the coruscating air of Australian speech. A fair go is the ultimate Australian ideal. At least that's the belief. In
reality the fair go works on a sliding scale - the more you have, the fairer the go you will get.
FIRST FLEET: eleven ships, 780 thieves, a couple of hundred sailors and marines. Its arrival at Sydney Cove is sometimes described as the founding of
a nation, but see also "Gallipoli".
FLAG: as symbols go, it's unsurpassable. Australians have fought for their flag, marched under it, competed for it, performed for it, even sacrificed
themselves for it. And that's just the one with the gloved kangaroo on it.
FOREIGN AID: a reflex action when the hammer of a natural disaster in the Third World hits the reposing knee of the First World.
GALLIPOLI: once a region of geography, now a region of iconography. Referred to as the birthplace of the nation for the way in which our soldiers
faced death.
GIRT: quite possibly the stupidest word to appear in any country's national anthem. It doesn't roll off the tongue and doesn't inspire emotion. It
clunks. It also is possibly the only word in the world that, while sung countless times, is never spoken.
GOVERNOR-GENERAL: neither a governor nor a general, the G-G is the old school tie that binds the country to its colonial past. Worn around the neck of
the body politic.
HERO: falls into several categories: Sports hero - who, by playing in a chosen field, wins!
National hero - who, by actions in any field, wins!
Tragic hero - who by actions in any field, loses in an approved way.
Child hero - who by actions in any field wins or loses, in an approved way.
HOBART: last Australian city before the South Pole.
HOME: every man and woman's castle, also known as the Great Australian Dream. It is not to be confused with the Great American Dream, which is to
become rich and famous beyond one's wildest dreams. The dream home is both a real estate agent's cliche and a state of mind.
ICON: anything that has lasted longer than 30 days in the public eye. After such time it then qualifies for the status of legend. An icon may be flesh
or stone, but the bloodless variety will never know how much we love it.
IDEAL: the space between two actions or two thoughts. It can be left open or filled. There are several categories.
Political ideal: The easiest one to throw away. A political ideal is best served to the public in small doses, the better to be absorbed into the
system.
Social ideal: The heartbreaker. Based on the premise that all people care about their fellow human beings. Often sinks under the weight of its own
expectations.
Ethical ideal: In its purest form, the holy grail of human behaviour. Rarely sighted. However, in condensed forms it may survive mixed with a twist of
forlorn pragmatism.
Universal ideal: Extinct.
IDOL: if only everyone could be one.
INTEREST RATES: the most-watched thermometer in the nation. Once in the realm of science fiction as a form of crowd control, it has become, like
numerous sci-fi visions, a reality. Higher rates are considered a threat to our entire way of life, and that being so, the thermometer is rightly
regarded as the measure of all things.
JACKAROO: the shortened form of an exclamation from one farmhand to another as in "Strewth Jack, a roo just jumped into the sheep dip." The initial
observation has transmogrified into a description of anyone who worked with animals west of the Great Divide.
KANGAROO: hopping epitome of the nation. With the emu, props up the national coat of arms. Boxer, friend, pest and dinner.
KELLY, NED: the giant of our sleep, the great symbol of us against them, the outsider who lives within us. The armoured man we hanged then worshipped.
LABOUR: the part of life's equation that, if you are on the lower rungs of the ladder, neither adds up to fairness nor equals just rewards.
LABOR PARTY: a garment in search of a brand.
LACONIC: the ability to give an air of deep thought by saying nothing.
LAND RIGHTS: principle of land ownership that changes meaning according to who is invoking it.
LEFT-WING: that side of the playing field on which the bones of utopians lie scattered. Rapidly becoming archaic in meaning, although it is still used
as a term of disgust in certain quarters, without having to be qualified.
LIBERAL: with a small "l" is a pejorative term to describe those who are ignorant of the world of commerce and place too much hope in the ideas of
dead philosophers.
LIBERAL PARTY: a grouping of men and women who believe in sitting at the right hand of God and mammon.
LITERATURE: a minority sport. A few world-class players occasionally elevate the game in the public's eyes before it recedes again to club fixtures.
LOSING: we don't like it, but when it happens it happens heroically, especially in international arenas.
LUCKY COUNTRY: the coin that broke the bank. Lands differently for each person who tosses it.
MATE: the redemption principle at work: that is, if only we were all mates the sins of the world could be forgiven.
MATESHIP: the second leg of the tripod (see Anzac); the relationship between two or more people in which the good of one is the good of all.
MELBOURNE: the world's most liveable city, inhabited by the world's most enthusiastic and magnanimous sports fans, and by the world's greatest
lovers of culture. Lives by a bay.
MELBOURNE CUP: the horse race that stops a nation, seriously.
MULTICULTURALISM: the theory that one street may contain 20 different nationalities, all calling each other mate.
NATIONAL ANTHEM: its paucity in embracing the spirit of the people is matched by its melodic shortcomings. A cow has more song in its moo.
OPERA: another minority sport. Dresses beyond its means.
OUTBACK: the eternal horizon, the unknown arc of the mind, the shimmering heat haze, the necklace of stars. All the city is not.
PARLIAMENT: the beer hall of democracy, in which the biggest drinkers are those most intoxicated by power.
PERTH: Inhabitants see the rest of Australia as a distant blur called the Eastern States.
PHAR LAP: an adopted son who became the country's greatest hero. Struck down in his prime.
POETRY: yet another minority sport, never to be shown on television and never to be known by anything but "I love a sunburnt country" and something
about a man from Snowy River.
POVERTY: there are three types: intellectual, moral and bread and butter. In each case marked by going to the cupboard and finding it bare.
PROMISE: once a measure of integrity, a promise is now divided politically into core and non-core, presumably to mask the contempt for the people
expressed in bare-faced lies.
QUARTER-ACRE: once the geographical marker to the Great Australian Dream. Now subdivided into smaller allotments without gardens.
RECONCILIATION: the shining star in the night sky that everyone can see but few realise has already died, even though its light still travels to us.
REFUGEE: member of a criminal class, always guilty until proven innocent. Not one of us.
RELIGION: otherwise known as sport and gambling. Australia is the only country to have taken secularity to a higher plane.
REPUBLIC: the pair of shoes many admire but none can be bothered wearing.
RIGHT-WING: the unerring belief that all things were sculpted from the same rock, and hence should have the same face - the eyes of my God, the
complexion from my sun, the tongue from my culture.
SPORT: life and death, love and hate, the major league of human endeavour and reward.
STOLEN GENERATION: stern morality's theft of childhood.
SUBURBIA: a forest of brick and tile, under which spreading canopy the creatures of the forest hunt and play.
SYDNEY: the opposite of Melbourne. Lives by the sea.
SWAGMAN: decamped a long time ago, which is probably just as well for jolly he would not be now.
TERRA AUSTRALIS: the very old Australia and the very new Australia.
TERRA NULLIUS: the doctrine of an occupying force for whom the occupied equalled zero. And, as every school child knows, nothing times anything still
equals nothing.
TREATIES: we don't like them unless they deliver trade benefits or a big brother's protection.
TWO-UP: alleged national past-time actually practised once a year, for old times' sake.
UNDERDOG: everyone's favourite, minted from the same material as battler.
ULURU: a very large attempt at reconciliation.
VANQUISHED: (see Aborigines)
WALTZING MATILDA: the national anthem you have when you're not having a national anthem. Loved as the Australian symbol of all that is scallywaggish
in the national spirit.
WHITE AUSTRALIA: the policy of racist exclusion we had when we were young. We're older now.
WORLD STAGE: the podium on which we might perform one day, when we're a little bigger.
XENOPHOBIA: we don't have any phobias.
YARRALUMLA: a rest home for tired beliefs and principles.
ZAC: the little coin that didn't stand a chance.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 24th, 2005 at 08:17 PM
A FIFTY-SOMETHING WOMAN WAS AT HOME HAPPILY JUMPING ON HER BED AND
SQUEALING WITH DELIGHT.
HER HUSBAND WATCHES HER FOR A WHILE AND ASKS, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW
RIDICULOUS YOU LOOK? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
THE WOMAN CONTINUES TO BOUNCE ON THE BED AND SAYS, "I DON'T CARE. JUST
CAME
FROM HAVING A MAMMOGRAM AND THE DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE THE BREASTS OF AN 18
YEAR-OLD."
THE HUSBAND SAID, "WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT YOUR 56 YEAR OLD ARSE?"
YOUR NAME NEVER CAME UP," SHE REPLIED.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 24th, 2005 at 08:18 PM
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
l
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 24th, 2005 at 08:20 PM
Subject: life sux
>
>
> "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
>
> I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get
> at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life
> cycle is all backwards.
>
> You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old
> age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, go collect all your
> super.
>
> Then when you start work you get a gold watch on your first day.
> You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
> retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High
> School.
>
> You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
> responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
> you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating,
> spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!"
>
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 30th, 2005 at 01:03 AM
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:
1) The woman goes to the shops.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the
situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
Posts: 1806
Threads: 77
Registered: July 5th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Cammeray, Sydney
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Mood: Deep
posted on January 30th, 2005 at 01:17 AM
The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
-------------------------------------------------------
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/s he must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose
from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year .
Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)
posted on December 24th, 2004 at 08:41 AM