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posted on January 30th, 2005 at 10:07 AM
that's classic...
hahaha, imagine the old bag sticking it up them...
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HotRodMatt
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 07:04 PM
100 Lies from the Movies
* All things explode when they crash.
* When the whole group is in danger, the best thing to do is split up.
* Opening and closing the shaving cupboard makes a killer appear behind you.
* Judges are black.
* When two people on a first date start a sentence at the same time, they then start apologising at the same time, then crack up laughing.
* News reports about murder cases always mention the name of the cop heading the investigation, along with details of his/her last big arrest.
* You can find anything or anyone on the Internet.
* All cars are always unlocked.
* People always turn off the television immediately the news item that concerns them is finished.
* Before you die, your murderer would like to tell you a story.
* Husbands don’t immediately understand what their wives mean when they say, “I’m pregnant”.
* It is still possible to win a fight after being repeatedly punched and kicked in the head for several minutes.
* The President of the United States’ surname is President.
* Loudmouths always die first.
* Prostitutes have hearts of gold.
* Jails are full of wise old owls.
* If you and some girl share a mutual disrespect, look out – one day you’ll wake up in each other’s bodies!
* Heroes say something poignant before they die.
* Villains just scream their tits off.
* All drug dealers have ponytails.
* You can jump through a plate-glass window without getting a scratch.
* When you hear a suspicious noise in the house, the best thing to do is shout out the name of the person you hope that it is.
* If there is no answer, shout out the name again, adding: “…is that you?”
* Binoculars frame things in black figure-eight.
* Press photographers get the best shots by huddling together, holding their cameras high above their heads and snapping wildly.
* Serial killers are geniuses.
* All gay guys are great blokes.
* Evil bastards have an endless supply of employees willing to be shot dead for nothing.
* All men and women who initially hate each other end up falling in love.
* Every nightclub features at least one punter wearing a leather cap.
* Female murderers were all abused as children.
* Airplanes only crash behind clusters of trees.
* The third message on your answering machine is always the important one.
* A killer will always keep newspaper clippings of his crimes taped to his bedroom wall.
* Helicopter pilots are always corruptible.
* Kids arrive at the breakfast table just as Dad’s leaving for work.
* All shopping bags contain a breadstick.
* If you’re being chased and choose to hide somewhere, your pursuer will always pause very near to your hiding place, look one way, then another,
then keep running.
* A soldier will die shortly after showing fellow soldiers a photograph of his sweetheart.
* When you run out of bullets, you might as well throw the gun away.
* If you’re a cop, rest assured you’ll be assigned a partner with whom you are completely incompatible.
* Ten-year-old kids are the best computer hackers.
* The first symptom of radiation poisoning is mutation into a creature.
* When wimps drink whisky, they cough, look at the glass and gasp: “What is this stuff?!”
* The late appearance of a sweetheart in the crowd of any sporting event will always inspire the hero towards an unbelievable comeback.
* Meteors make an evil rumbling noise when travelling through space.
* If a man and woman are being chased, the woman will fall over and be unable to continue unless the man picks her up and leads her by the upper arm,
whereupon they will return to an adequate speed.
* American Indians never laughed.
* Unless Kevin Costner was somehow making a dickhead of himself.
* The guy who owns the fruit cart will always wave madly at a runaway car, leaping out of the road just in time before it totals his cart.
* Women always stand with their backs towards men during an argument.
* The school bimbo chews bubble gum.
* Bombs are best disarmed a few seconds before detonation.
* The best way to ensure a detective solves the case is to suspend him.
* Aircraft on the take-off runway often find it difficult to outrun a chasing car.
* Bartenders don’t need to know what sort of beer you want.
* During swordfights, it is a good idea to jump up on a table behind you, or back your way up a staircase.
* All toilets have a window leading out onto the street, for purposes of escape.
* When attempting to break down a door, don’t be discouraged when the first and second shoulder-charges fail to deliver results, because the third
surely will.
* There will be no jokes in the future.
* When searching for a someone in a factory or warehouse, it is a good idea to creep backwards slowly with your gun drawn.
* When a thoroughly evil thug has a pretty woman tied up on a bed in her underwear, he will be content to run the nub of his gun along her cheek.
* If caught near an explosion, simply outrun or out-dive the cloud of smoke and flame and you’ll be fine.
* The best way to get over a hangover is to stagger around holding an ice pack to your head.
* It is a good idea to leave the bad guy’s gun a few inches from his hand after you’ve ‘finally killed’ him.
* If something’s “not bad”, it’s also “not bad at all”.
* When crossing a swinging suspension bridge of wood and rope, the rotting plank will only break when the girl steps on it.
* If you need to make a call but don’t know the number, just pick up the phone – “operator” is standing by waiting or your instructions.
* If the phone goes dead during the call, hammer the receiver up and down with your finger several times then say, “Operator?”
* Then hammer again several more times and say, more emphatically this time, “Operator!”
* Then hang up.
* Struggling artists, students and single mums all have great apartments in New York.
* Alcoholics, washed-up cops and divorced men have shitty ones.
* Kids don’t get smacked.
* Mum makes breakfast for everyone, even though nobody ever has time for more than a bite of toast or a gulp of coffee.
* If the bad guy knocks your sword out of your hand, don’t worry – he’ll just smile while holding the tip of his sword at your throat, giving
you time to think of something.
* If you’re running to an elevator and the doors close, press your body up against them and bang with the palms of your hands.
* When on foot and being pursued by a bad guy in a car, stay running in the middle of the road.
* Underage drinkers are the targets of choice for deranged killers.
* No cars in the 20s, 30s or 40s carried any signs of damage whatsoever.
* When someone is sacked or resigns from a job, they always leave their desk carrying an enormous cardboard box full of crap.
* The disturbed wife or mother of a murdered person is always welcome to walk into the detective’s office with a new theory, even when the case has
been closed for years.
* If there is a nun on your flight, cancel your ticket and get the next one.
* A cup of coffee will sober you up in seconds.
* It was all a dream.
* After keeping his cool so well that nobody even suspected he was the killer, the killer will suddenly become a wide-eyed madman with a maniacal grin
the moment the hero stumbles upon the truth.
* Putting on a doctor’s coat in a hospital is a good way to go unnoticed.
* The best way to get sex off a prostitute or stripper who isn’t interested is to let her know what a cheap slut you think she is.
* There is always a parking space directly outside the place where you want to go.
* If you’re involved in a car chase, watch out or the two workmen carrying a big sheet of glass.
* The first time you have sex with her you will both have simultaneous orgasms.
* When shooting at someone impervious to bullets – superman, robots, etc – pull a confused face and look down at your gun as if there is something
wrong with it.
* Girls always fight by pulling hair, falling to the ground and rolling over twice.
* The show on TV is a black-and-white western.
* A soldier who comments on what a nice little town it is, adding “Too bad there’s a war going on”, will announce his intention to return one
day and be shot by a sniper shortly afterwards.
* Schoolteachers are always interrupted mid-sentence by the bell.
* A divorced man has a basketball hoop in the middle of his apartment.
* All marines in WWII were issues with stockings to bribe Italian village girls with.
* All apartments in Paris have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
* Ben Stiller is the only man who has ever masturbated.
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 07:05 PM
100 Lies from Porno
* Women wear high heels to bed
* Men are never impotent
* Sexual congress only takes place in apartments that are sparsely furnished
* It is sexy for a man to keep his socks on
* When a man is pleasuring a woman, ten seconds work is more than satisfactory
* When a woman is attracted to a man she lets him know by cupping her hand over the crotch of the man’s trousers and smiling seductively
* Bodily fluids fly in slow motion
* Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged jerks
* Women moan uncontrollably when performing acts of sole benefit to the man
* Women always orgasm when men do
* Sex will always get a girl out of a speeding fine
* People in the 70s couldn’t have sex unless there was a wild guitar solo happening
* Those breasts are real
* The director’s an artist
* Men say “Oh, Yeah!” an awful lot
* At the conclusion of a threesome, the men involved will always ‘high five’ each other
* And the woman isn’t disgusted
* The oldest, fattest, ugliest man in the film is actually a porn actor and not the film’s financier
* Lesbians love it when a guy bursts in on them
* Women hitchhike in high heels and bikinis
* Asian men don’t exist
* Woman outnumber men by about 10 to one
* And the same ten men are having all the sex
* If a man stumbles across a guy and his girlfriend going for it in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash him to death if he silently joins in too.
* There’s a plot
* All men are circumcised
* All women have a tattoo somewhere
* No animals were hurt during the making of the film
* People don’t kiss
* Or say “I love you”
* A man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle, limp-wristed slap on the buttocks
* It is perfectly normal to wear sunglasses the whole time
* Job interviews are orgies
* Nurses are prostitutes
* Henry VIII wore a Rolex watch
* When a complete stranger asks a sunbathing woman if she’d like him to rub suntan oil into her buttocks, she doesn’t tell him to get lost
* In fact, she has sex with him
* Baldness is neither here nor there
* Scrotums are attractive
* Calling a woman “bitch” won’t get you thrown out of bed
* Men are always considerate
* French maids are hot for it
* So are babysitters
* Professional models have sex with professional photographers at the end of every photo session
* When your girlfriend busts you with her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily annoyed before merrily joining in
* ‘Wife’ is shorthand for ‘bitch’
* ‘Husband’ is shorthand for ‘bastard’
* The horse knew what was happening
* Black people only ever have sex with white people
* Nobody has sex with the lights out
* Women never have headaches
* Or periods
* When a musician has sex with a groupie, he brings his whole band with him
* The chicken was enjoying itself
* Nobody ever asks anyone’s name before, during or after sex
* When standing, no matter what act is being performed, a man will always have one hand proudly upon his hip
* There is absolutely nothing uncomfortable at all about anal sex
* All secretaries wear glasses and have their hair tied up in a bun
* But can’t have sex until they take the glasses off and let their hair out
* Dictation is a form of foreplay
* When making love to a woman, men invariably cock one leg up, placing a foot on the ground near the woman’s ear as if mounting an invisible
horse
* Security guards get sex all the time
* The eel made a tasty meal afterwards
* Women don’t wear underpants
* Men love it when a women snarls at him as she refers to her “pussy”
* Ron Jeremy is a good bloke
* When a woman is doing something thee man find’s particularly enjoyable, it’s important for the man to constantly remind her to keep doing it
* Virgins have orgasms the first time
* Woman are hairless down there
* Nobody has venereal disease
* When a woman kneels facing west and a man stands facing east, straddling her buttocks and bouncing up and down like some kid on a space hopper, what
we have here is a comfortable, rewarding and popular sexual position
* That was the girl’s hand, not the director’s
* All lesbians are gorgeous
* All gorgeous women are bisexual
* No men are bisexual
* Men go deaf during sex, and need to be constantly reminded by their partner that she is enjoying what is happening, eg: “You like that?”
“Yeah!” Huh?” “Yeah!” Yeah?” “Yeah!” “Huh?” “Yeah!”
* People only have sex with each other once
* The word “no” doesn’t exist in the English language
* Women often go to a mechanic’s garage looking for partners
* Housewives wear lingerie during the day
* And have sex with all door-to-door salesmen
* All teenagers wear sandshoes with white socks and have their hair in pigtails
* Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find out what’s inside
* The man’s facial expressions are an important part of the movie
* So were the chicken’s
* The soundtrack was important enough to be translated from German to English
* Women who get rescued immediately have sex the rescuer(s)
* Men don’t masturbate
* All women are noisy
* Who always have orgasms
* Men don’t have to beg
* Because women want it more than they do
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 07:05 PM
100 Lies from TV Ads
* Fat kids are the funniest characters.
* Only old people make phone calls during the cheap-rate periods.
* Single parents can pick up at McDonalds.
* People have to close their eyes after taking a sip of coffee.
* Only Italians make spaghetti.
* Only Indians make curry.
* Women don't drink beer.
* Chinese can't speak English.
* Aborigines don't exist.
* Girls play tennis, waterski and laugh a lot when having their periods.
* Disposable razors worth a dollar each are designed using space-age technology.
* Your baby is important to corporations.
* Your baby is important to anyone but yourself.
* Really sexy girls with big breasts are waiting for you to call them now.
* All people who buy cars have kids.
* Four-wheel drive vehicles don't go unless someone is playing the mouth organ.
* Children always hug teddy bears when witnessing domestic violence.
* People with good bodies sleep only in white sheets.
* Ignorant people find out about good deals through comparatively well-adjusted workmates.
* Every Australian dreams of owning a house.
* When you get that house, your wife will smile and hug you on the front lawn while a happy real estate agent replaces the ‘For Sale’ sign with
one that says ‘Sold!’
* A bloke will always wipe his brow with his forearm after drinking beer from a can.
* Bank tellers are happy.
* Butchers are fat.
* The mature voice-over guy is both familiar with and excited about all of the bands on the CD.
* Railway employees are never of ethnic origin. Female executives all wear glasses.
* Male models stop off for drinks in outback pubs.
* Skateboard riding leads to Coke drinking.
* Milk pours in slow motion.
* Housewives are alarmed when their washing comes out clean.
* Chewing gum is somehow good for you.
* The Vegas Elvis was the only Elvis.
* Priscilla Presley's beauty secret is soap.
* Linda Evangelista eats pizza.
* Pawn shops are jovial joints.
* Voice-over guys can't help but laugh when announcing an up-coming comedy show.
* ‘To approved customers’ is not an important point.
* Tests have proved something or other.
* Celebrities care about the starving children of Africa.
* Alcohol means good times, dancing and no vomiting.
* Drunk people either die in car accidents or get picked up by The Salvos.
* Models have orgasms when they eat chocolate and ice-cream.
* Camera crews hear about couples who've had good luck with banks, and thus go around to their homes for impromptu interviews.
* The opinions of morons emerging from cinemas are of great value.
* Basketball players are wise.
* People keep walking in front of the camera these days.
* Food or drink is not consumed by fat people.
* And only people who are already fit go to gymnasiums.
* Insecticide is amusing.
* Toilet paper and your arse have nothing to do with each other.
* Neither do tampons and vaginas.
* You obviously need a new TV.
* Stocks are limited.
* Your helpless family is relying on you to choose the right tyre or they will all die.
* Girls always win at the races.
* Make-up is only worn by supermodels.
* Madness and insanity are desirable qualities in some retailers.
* Chefs are up in arms about the increased quality of packet food.
* All letters are mentally read in the voice of the sender.
* All environmentally-safe products make dolphins swim merrily about.
* All Mexicans wear sombreros, have moustaches, are quite stupid and eat nothing but corn chips.
* All American Indians go off the warpath if some form of confectionery turns up.
* All burglars wear black.
* And look left and right before running at the sound of an alarm.
* It's the jeans that make a girl's arse look nice, not her arse.
* Same with bras.
* A male hitch-hiker will always get picked up by a young woman.
* Especially if he's got a guitar.
* A young female hitch-hiker will always get picked up by a truckie who is a top bloke.
* When the last biscuit is eaten, an unhappy hand always fumbles blindly over the empty plate.
* And when a packet or container is empty, some sad-faced dickhead has to turn it upside down and shake it before he's sure.
* You can exist for thirty comfortable years after one shopping trip to a petrol station.
* When men wear brand-new clothes, they have to put their hands in their pockets.
* Come mothers’ and fathers’ day, Grandma and Grandpa are still alive.
* In the future, everything is white and nobody laughs.
* All Japanese people are intelligent and wear suits.
* Condoms are hilarious.
* All neighbours are friendly.
* Lottery winners throw their money in the air.
* Supermarkets are never crowded.
* When you buy something you are actually saving money.
* People only die in car accidents.
* People don't have sex.
* People don't masturbate.
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 08:05 PM
Heard on the radio the other day. a group of men where fishing and caught a small fish, 1 man said as a joke that he would eat the fish alive, he
placed the fish in his mouth as his mates laughed, the fish squirmed and lodged it's self in his wind pipe resulting in the man chocking to death.
:o
Getting over
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
zac_smits
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 08:49 PM
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other
guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex
with. It's the male perspective thing.
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 08:54 PM
Helping the Pope With His Holy Crossword
A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing
crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help."
Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer
and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 08:57 PM
Split Up The Middle
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days
later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used
her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good
time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up
the middle."
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posted on February 1st, 2005 at 09:07 PM
Murphy's Laws of Combat
* If the enemy is in range, so are you
Incoming fire has the right of way
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire
There is always a way
That way is always mined
Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo
What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank
Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at
If orders can be misunderstood they will be
The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud
Mine fields are not neutral
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict
The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack
If your attack is going well, it's an ambush
Never draw fire, it irritates those around you
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder
Friendly fire isn't
Never stand when you can sit
Never sit when you can lie down
Never stay awake when you can sleep
A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake
Whenever you are low on ammo, you can never hit anything
The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired
Interchangeable parts are not
The item you need is always in short supply
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of it's operator
No combat ready group ever passes inspection
No inspection ready group ever survives combat
Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps
Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together
If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both
Tracers work both ways
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire
The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it
Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms
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penguin
A.k.a.: Chris
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posted on February 4th, 2005 at 08:01 PM
Intuition:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk,
a carton of eggs,
2 litres of orange juice,
a head of lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes,
a 500g jar of coffee,
and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
'Ah, whatever................'
Oasis
Custom Title Time!
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posted on February 22nd, 2005 at 09:23 PM
Engagement Photo
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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posted on February 25th, 2005 at 03:24 PM
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine ...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching
my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
The teacher answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH,
is four."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
amazer
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posted on February 25th, 2005 at 03:25 PM
A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on February 25th, 2005 at 03:25 PM
IF MICROSOFT MANUFACTURED VEHICLES
Sales Brochure
Introducing the new Microsoft a-trust series, with a 6 cylinder V-tec engine,
enchanced fuel system, and CB radio. CD player now comes as standard with all
models.
-----
You are impressed with the salesman's talk on the new vehicle and go ahead
with the purchase. You later discover many problems with the vehicle.
The fuel inlet pipe is of triangular shape as opposed to the conventional
circular type. You can only fill your car up at Microsoft or Microsoft
approved petrol stations. You take the car to a non-oem mechanic (Linux gas
systems) and have the car converted to gas, so you can use both gas and
petrol. You find yourself saving both time and money through use of the gas
system, but occasionally need to use petrol.
Vehicle maintanance is free, so when you find a problem you simply take the
car to your local Microsoft dealer, and they fix the problem on the spot.
However when you get the car back, the non-oem Alpine CD player has been
removed from your dash and replaced with an inferior Microsoft CD player. All
the CD's in your dash compartment have been replaced by Microsoft CD's that
only work inside Microsoft CD players.
Non Microsoft mechanics have found it difficult to work on your car because
their socket sets don't fit over the unusual shaped Microsoft bolts present
all over the car. The mechanics have to buy a Microsoft socket set, which are
expensive and require changing every month.
When you first purchase the car and start the motor, the internal computer
makes you enter a 32 digit registration code, and make you agree that you
won't try to take any part of the car apart. In addition you also agree to
give the manufacturer regular feedback as to the operation of the vehicle. You
have to agree to do this, otherwise the car won't work. When you first start
the car, it automatically drives you to your local Microsoft car wash for
cleaning. Normally you have already arrived at the car wash before you get the
opportunity to tell the vehicle you don't want to go to the car wash.
When you first purchase the car, you notice you don't like the factory CD
player. You travel to your nearest car audio installer and have an Alpine mp3
CD player deck installed. When you go to drive away, the car computer says:
"You don't have a Microsoft CD player installed, would you like to travel to
your local Microsoft dealer to have a Microsoft CD player installed for free?"
You politely decline.
You have been driving the car for many months now, and then Microsoft announce
a defect in the central locking system, in which an intruder can gain entry to
the vehicle by inserting any key into the lock 16 times. Inserting the key 17
times causes the internal computer a buffer overrun error. The intruder then
inserts a key one more time which causes the locks to open. You take your car
to the local Microsoft dealer and they fix the problem. When you get the car
back, the Alpine CD player has been changed with a Microsoft CD player, (The
Alpine CD player has been left in the boot with wires hanging out off it) the
gas conversion kit has been removed, and when you go to start the car it
automatically drives you (out of your way) to the nearest Microsoft car wash.
Once again you have already arrived at the car wash before you get the
opportunity to tell the vehicle you don't want to go to the car wash.
The car comes equiped with a CB radio (Citizen band communiation radio). You
decide that you don't need the CB radio (because you have a mobile phone) and
personally remove it, then go to place it in the boot next to the Alpine car
stereo with wires hanging off it. You go to use the car the next day and the
CB radio is back in its place, not only is it switched on and ready to use,
people are trying to contact you on it. After reading through the user manual,
you realise that removal of the CB radio requires 3 separate jumpers on the
radio circuit to be unplugged, which requires the unit to be taken apart. In
frustration you give up trying to remove the CB radio. You are starting to get
annoyed with this car and are considering trading it in for a different
model.
A few weeks pass, and Microsoft announces that there is a flaw with the CB
radio that allows people to gain entry to your car by saying certain types of
words over the radio frequency. You take the car to your local Microsoft
dealer and they replace the CB radio with a bulkier version that has been
rivoted in and is even harder to remove. You tell you Microsoft serviceman
that you don't even need a CB radio, and he just laughs at you and sais "The
onboard computer requires the CB radio to be present in order for the car to
function, and _anyway_ our managers havn't given us the tools or instructions
on how to remove them, however if you want to upgrade to a better CB radio for
only $59.95 we can offer you a better quality product" You politely decline.
A few weeks down the track, you realise that the car is automatically driving
itself to the local Microsoft garage for regular service in the middle of the
night. You appear even more annoyed than before, this is the last straw and
you decide to get rid of the vehicle. You go to advertise the car in the local
paper. The only person that rings you are solicitors from Microsoft informing
you that selling the vehicle is a violation of the end-user agreement that you
signed upon receiving the vehicle. In a state of frustration you take the
vehicle out to the bush, and after taking the alpine CD player and Linux gas
tank out, you torch the dam thing. You walk home and feel relaxed that you
don't have to worry about looking after a Microsoft vehicle again.
The day passes and you wake up in your house to find a brand new Microsoft
a-trust vehicle in your driveway just like the one you torched the previous
day. The CD player is stock standard and people are still trying to contact
you over the CB radio.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on February 25th, 2005 at 03:26 PM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping
Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said,
"I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking utterly confused and simply stated,
"Who or what's Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on February 25th, 2005 at 03:26 PM
MOWING THE LAWN
Peter is relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade sipping a beer and
listening to the radio. As he chills out, his wife struggles with a manual
mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
Peter's next-door-neighbour sees the woman battling with the mower and shouts
across the fence "You pathetic excuse for a man," he yells "sitting there
sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody
well hung."
"I am" Peter shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
HotRodMatt
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posted on February 25th, 2005 at 09:15 PM
Top one Oasis....
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking dejected and said, "Who the fuck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
amazer
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posted on March 3rd, 2005 at 10:21 AM
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on March 7th, 2005 at 11:27 PM
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself that the traffic seemed worse than
usual.
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on
fire.
He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts won't help anyone
except his wealthy friends.
So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
President Bush given the Indian name of "WALKING EAGLE"
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his
future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed
"YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers".
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to
select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on March 10th, 2005 at 04:22 PM
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
Dave.............
..............you're a vet".
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on March 10th, 2005 at 04:31 PM
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil. 10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny Personal trainer. 10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo,
condition, blow dry. 2.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe. 12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained
17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full
length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler. 7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bends over a lot displaying their growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day;
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lsbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
Oasis
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posted on March 10th, 2005 at 11:17 PM
Happy International women's day!
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they used to communicate with other computers are incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling... this gets better!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if ! you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
E
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posted on March 11th, 2005 at 12:05 AM
so much to read...kill me....
Reality leaves alot to the Imagination
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posted on March 11th, 2005 at 02:16 PM
ur wish...is my command..
:vader
dubless. And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house???
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posted on March 26th, 2005 at 12:56 AM
A gypsy woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have 2 green marks down here on the top of my thighs. What is it?" The doctor asks the gypsy,
"Do you have a boyfriend?" She replies, "Yes." The doctor says, "Tell your boyfriend that his ear-rings aren't real gold.."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on April 15th, 2005 at 10:02 AM
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
You're laughing, aren't you?!?!
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on April 15th, 2005 at 10:03 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He
takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to sit down and relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,
"...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on April 15th, 2005 at 10:16 AM
How they will elect the new pope
.
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Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on April 15th, 2005 at 10:24 AM
Occupational descriptions
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J.
Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on April 15th, 2005 at 10:33 AM
BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST
And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house??? 