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posted on April 15th, 2005 at 10:39 AM
HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married.
She put a want ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me,
and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door,
there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you---you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eye ebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
With a smirk the old man said, " Rang the doorbell didn't I?"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on April 17th, 2005 at 01:53 AM
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
>perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
>nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind,"
>and refers him to a psychiatrist.
>
>After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
>to how you could possible be cured. So, finally, the psyichiatrist, at his
>wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.
>
>The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
>flame, and immediately there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
>witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing. but you can only use it once
>a year. All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as
>you wish." The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
>over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234"
>and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year."
>
>The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
>good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123": and just like
>that,he gets an erection.
>
>His wife turns over and says sleepily, "What did you say "123" for??????
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on April 17th, 2005 at 02:12 AM
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi, Bob. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for
a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company, an electric utility, loyally for over
30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
turbines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the turbine balanced, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge turbine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular spot of the turbine and said, "This is where your problem is add some weight at this spot " The weight was added and the
turbine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000
from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing
where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Whitty
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posted on April 18th, 2005 at 10:19 PM
A quick fairytale
A man loved a woman and asked her to marry him.
She said no.
And he lived happily ever after.
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posted on April 18th, 2005 at 10:39 PM
^^rofl!!
MOB: 0423890217
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posted on April 19th, 2005 at 10:49 AM
a blonde and a brunette are in grade 3. who has the bigger tits?
the blonde. she's 23.
early 60s beetle for sale - ex bush basher - spares - $100 or offers
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posted on April 19th, 2005 at 11:01 AM
ROFL!!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on April 19th, 2005 at 09:18 PM
> Subject: FW: Science Question
>
>
>
> The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
> class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times
> its size when stimulated?"
>
> No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and
> said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question
> like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will
> go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
>
> With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
>
> Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
> "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
> stimulated?"
>
> Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those
> around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
>
> The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
>
> class, "Anybody?"
>
> Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and
> said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size
> when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
>
> Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
> Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have
> three things to say:
> 1.You have a dirty mind
> 2.You didn't read your homework, and
> 3.One day you are going to be very, very
> disappointed."
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posted on April 20th, 2005 at 06:33 PM
disregarding that child abuse is very wrong...
and the man himself is very very wrong...
very absurd looking...
very freaky...
> > > Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
> > > A: Because they aren't his!
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
> > > A: Get out of my sun!
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
> > > A: Throw him a buoy!
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
> > > A: He thought it was a delivery service.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
> > > A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
> > > A: Several children have fingered him.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
> > > A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael
> >Jackson?
> > > A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small
> > > children. The other is used to hold groceries.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
> > > A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
> > > A. Michael Jackson's hand.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
> > > every night?
> > > A. Hanson.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
> > > A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
> > > A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
> > > A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
> > > A: Two 5 year olds.
> > >
> > >
> > > Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
> > > Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
> > > Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
> > > Janet: No, just a pizza and video
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
> > > A: Michael Jackson
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
> > > A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
> > > A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
> > >
> > >
> > > The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson:
> > > If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says
> >he'll > have no choice but to make him a priest.
> > >
> > >
> > > FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house:
> > > They found class A drugs in his kitchen,
> > > Class B drugs in his living room and
> > > Class 5C in his bedroom.
> > >
> > >
> > > Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
> > > baby son.
> > > The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can
> > > have sex?"
> > > "I'd wait until he's at least 14," the doctor replies.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on April 29th, 2005 at 09:29 AM
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they
wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens
her lips and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says,
"That, sir, is the difference between an private and Medicare."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on May 4th, 2005 at 09:39 PM
> > A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
> > funeral. A huge
> > heart
> > covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
> > the service.
> > Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
> > casket rolled
> > inside.
> > The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
> > beautiful heart
> > forever.
> > At that point, one of the mourners burst into
> > laughter. When all
> > eyes
> > stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just
> > thinking of my own
> > funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
> >
> >
> >
> > That's when the proctologist fainted!
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
bajachris88
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posted on May 4th, 2005 at 09:54 PM
That YEARS WINNER you put up (the one about the Metallica concert and leaves in rectum etc), i heard that one before. That is a true story (believe it
or not), pretty shocking/scary and funny at the same time. Just shows you the results of:
STUPIDITY + ALCOHOL + ROCK 'N' ROLL, but its all good.
good post KruizinKombi.
(ô_!_/ô) (ô_!_/ô)
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posted on May 4th, 2005 at 10:03 PM
Q. why does micheal jackson like twenty-eight year olds?
A. Because theres twenty of them
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posted on May 9th, 2005 at 01:06 PM
A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for
the loan officer.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for
two weeks and needs
to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind
of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new
Mercedes. The car is
parked on the street in front of the bank, she has
the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the
car as collateral
for the loan. The bank's president and its officers
all enjoy a good
laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as
collateral
against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Mercedes into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two
weeks later, the
blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to
$15.41.
The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to
have had your
business and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that
you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is why you
would bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I
park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when
I return?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 11th, 2005 at 12:55 PM
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied
Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he
gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something
very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000
square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons....What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing
as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a
shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him, and he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 11th, 2005 at 01:07 PM
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
>Smart man + smart woman = romance
>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>
>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>
>SHOPPING MATH
>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
>
>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
>HAPPINESS
>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
>her at all.
>
>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
>
>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>A woman has the last word in any argument.
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
>same thing to them at funerals.
>
>SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW
>CAN HANDLE IT.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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posted on May 12th, 2005 at 02:33 PM
CROWS
Three male crows are flying over head when one spots a dove.
He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a
few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been
loved!" The crows continue on. A little later the second bird sees a
lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few
minutes later, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been
sparked!" The crows continue on. A little later the third one sees a
duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a
few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes
out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"
I bet you thought the duck would have said something else...
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on May 12th, 2005 at 03:15 PM
This is perhaps why the world is in grave danger of destruction:
‘Bushisms’
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. - John Stuart Mill.
"A RESULTS-ORIENTED ADMINISTRATION… WILL MAKE AMERICA WHAT WE WANT IT TO BE-A LITERATE COUNTRY AND A HOPEFULLER COUNTRY."-WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN.
11, 2001
"I WOULD HAVE TO ASK THE QUESTIONER. I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO ASK THE QUESTIONERS THE QUESTION THEY'VE BEEN QUESTIONING. AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 8,
2001
"I DO REMAIN CONFIDENT IN LINDA. SHE'LL MAKE A FINE LABOR SECRETARY. FROM WHAT I'VE READ IN THE PRESS ACCOUNTS, SHE'S PERFECTLY
QUALIFIED."-AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 8, 2001
"SHE IS A MEMBER OF A LABOR UNION AT ONE POINT."
ANNOUNCING HIS NOMINATION OF LINDA CHAVEZ AS SECRETARY OF LABOR. AUSTIN, TEXAS, JAN. 2, 2001
"NATURAL GAS IS HEMISPHERIC. I LIKE TO CALL IT HEMISPHERIC IN NATURE BECAUSE IT IS A PRODUCT THAT WE CAN FIND IN OUR NEIGHBORHOODS."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, DEC. 20, 2000
"I AM MINDFUL OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH. I ASSURED ALL FOUR OF THESE LEADERS THAT I KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE, AND THAT DIFFERENCE IS THEY PASS THE LAWS AND I EXECUTE THEM." WASHINGTON, D.C., DEC. 18, 2000
"THE GREAT THING ABOUT AMERICA IS EVERYBODY SHOULD VOTE."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, DEC. 8, 2000
"I KNEW IT MIGHT PUT HIM IN AN AWKWARD POSITION THAT WE HAD A DISCUSSION BEFORE FINALITY HAS FINALLY HAPPENED IN THIS PRESIDENTIAL RACE."
DESCRIBING A PHONE CALL TO SEN. JOHN BREAUX. CRAWFORD, TEXAS, DEC. 2, 2000
"THE LEGISLATURE'S JOB IS TO WRITE LAW. IT'S THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH'S JOB TO INTERPRET LAW."
AUSTIN, TEXAS, NOV. 22, 2000
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM."
ST. CHARLES, MO., NOV. 2, 2000
"STATES SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENACT REASONABLE LAWS AND RESTRICTIONS PARTICULARLY TO END THE INHUMANE PRACTICE OF ENDING A LIFE THAT OTHERWISE
COULD LIVE."
-CLEVELAND, JUNE 29, 2000
"UNFAIRLY BUT TRUTHFULLY, OUR PARTY HAS BEEN TAGGED AS BEING AGAINST THINGS... ANTI-IMMIGRANT, FOR EXAMPLE. AND WE'RE NOT A PARTY OF
ANTI-IMMIGRANTS. QUITE THE OPPOSITE. WE'RE A PARTY THAT WELCOMES PEOPLE."
-CAMPAIGNING IN CLEVELAND, JULY 1, 2000
" I DO NOT BELIEVE WE'VE PUT A GUILTY... I MEAN INNOCENT PERSON TO DEATH IN THE STATE OF TEXAS."
-ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, NPR, JUNE 16, 2000
"I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT THE IDEAL WORLD, CHRIS. I'VE READ- I UNDERSTAND REALITY. IF YOU'RE ASKING ME AS THE PRESIDENT, WOULD I UNDERSTAND REALITY, I
DO."
-ON ABORTION, HARDBALL, MSNBC; MAY 31, 2000
"THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THE SYSTEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE LIKE ME."
-ON THE COMING SOCIAL SECURITY CRISIS; WILTON, CONN.; JUNE 9, 2000
BUSH: "FIRST OF ALL, CINCO DE MAYO IS NOT THE INDEPENDENCE DAY. THAT'S DIECISEIS DE SEPTIEMBRE, AND ..." MATTHEWS: "WHAT'S THAT IN ENGLISH?"
BUSH: "FIFTEENTH OF SEPTEMBER." (DIECISEIS DE SEPTIEMBRE = SEPT. 16)
-HARDBALL, MSNBC, MAY 31, 2000
"ACTUALLY, I...THIS MAY SOUND A LITTLE WEST TEXAN TO YOU, BUT I LIKE IT. WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT...WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, AND WHEN HE'S
TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, ALL OF US ARE TALKING ABOUT ME."
--HARDBALL, MSNBC, MAY 31, 2000
"HE HAS CERTAINLY EARNED A REPUTATION AS A FANTASTIC MAYOR, BECAUSE THE RESULTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. I MEAN, NEW YORK'S A SAFER PLACE FOR HIM TO
BE."
-ON RUDY GIULIANI, THE EDGE WITH PAULA ZAHN, MAY 18, 2000
"THE FACT THAT HE RELIES ON FACTS...SAYS THINGS THAT ARE NOT FACTUAL...ARE GOING TO UNDERMINE HIS CAMPAIGN."
-NEW YORK TIMES, MARCH 4, 2000
"I THINK WE AGREE, THE PAST IS OVER."
-ON HIS MEETING WITH JOHN MCCAIN, DALLAS MORNING NEWS, MAY 10, 2000
"IT'S CLEARLY A BUDGET. IT'S GOT A LOT OF NUMBERS IN IT."
-REUTERS, MAY 5, 2000
GOV. BUSH: " I TALKED TO MY LITTLE BROTHER, JEB...I HAVEN'T TOLD THIS TO MANY PEOPLE. BUT HE'S THE GOVERNOR OF...I SHOULDN'T CALL HIM MY LITTLE
BROTHER...MY BROTHER, JEB, THE GREAT GOVERNOR OF TEXAS." JIM LEHRER: "FLORIDA." GOV. BUSH: "FLORIDA. THE STATE OF THE FLORIDA."
-THE NEWSHOUR WITH JIM LEHRER, APRIL 27, 2000
"I WAS RAISED IN THE WEST. THE WEST OF TEXAS. IT'S PRETTY CLOSE TO CALIFORNIA. IN MORE WAYS THAN WASHINGTON, D.C., IS CLOSE TO CALIFORNIA."
-IN LOS ANGELES AS QUOTED BY THE LOS ANGELES TIMES, APRIL 8, 2000
"OTHER REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES MAY RETORT TO PERSONAL ATTACKS AND NEGATIVE ADS."
-FUND-RAISING LETTER FROM GEORGE W. BUSH, QUOTED IN THE WASHINGTON POST, MARCH 24, 2000
"PEOPLE MAKE SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT TO SAY ALL THE TIME. I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE; I DON'T READ WHAT'S HANDED TO ME. PEOPLE SAY, 'HERE, HERE'S YOUR
SPEECH, OR HERE'S AN IDEA FOR A SPEECH.' THEY'RE CHANGED. TRUST ME."
-INTERVIEW WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES, MARCH 15, 2000
"IT'S EVOLUTIONARY, GOING FROM GOVERNOR TO PRESIDENT, AND THIS IS A SIGNIFICANT STEP, TO BE ABLE TO VOTE FOR YOURSELF ON THE BALLOT, AND I'LL BE
ABLE TO DO SO NEXT FALL, I HOPE."
-INTERVIEW WITH THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, MARCH 8, 2000
"IT IS NOT REAGANESQUE TO SUPPORT A TAX PLAN THAT IS CLINTON IN NATURE."
-LOS ANGELES, FEB. 23, 2000
"I UNDERSTAND SMALL BUSINESS GROWTH. I WAS ONE."
-NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, FEB. 19, 2000
"THE SENATOR HAS GOT TO UNDERSTAND IF HE'S GOING TO HAVE...HE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. HE CAN'T TAKE THE HIGH HORSE AND THEN CLAIM THE LOW
ROAD."
-TO REPORTERS IN FLORENCE, S.C., FEB. 17, 2000
"IF YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED OF THE POLITICS OF CYNICISM AND POLLS AND PRINCIPLES, COME AND JOIN THIS CAMPAIGN."
-HILTON HEAD, S.C., FEB. 16, 2000
"HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T MEASURE IF YOU HAVE A SYSTEM THAT SIMPLY SUCKLES KIDS THROUGH?"
-EXPLAINING THE NEED FOR EDUCATIONAL ACCOUNTABILITY IN BEAUFORT, S.C., FEB. 16, 2000
"WE OUGHT TO MAKE THE PIE HIGHER."
-SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE, FEB. 15, 2000
"I'VE CHANGED MY STYLE SOMEWHAT, AS YOU KNOW. I'M LESS...I PONTIFICATE LESS, ALTHOUGH IT MAY BE HARD TO TELL IT FROM THIS SHOW. AND I'M MORE
INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE."
-SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE, FEB. 15, 2000
"I THINK WE NEED NOT ONLY TO ELIMINATE THE TOLLBOOTH TO THE MIDDLE CLASS, I THINK WE SHOULD KNOCK DOWN THE TOLLBOOTH."
-NASHUA, N.H., AS QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, FEB. 1, 2000
"THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IS NOT TO BE GOVERNOR, OR FIRST LADY IN MY CASE."
-PELLA, IOWA, AS QUOTED BY THE SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS, JAN. 30, 2000
"WILL THE HIGHWAYS ON THE INTERNET BECOME MORE FEW?"
-CONCORD, N.H., JAN. 29, 2000
"THIS IS PRESERVATION MONTH. I APPRECIATE PRESERVATION. IT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT. YOU GOTTA PRESERVE."
-SPEAKING DURING "PERSEVERENCE MONTH" AT FAIRGROUNDS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN NASHUA, N.H. AS QUOTED IN THE LOS ANGELES TIMES, JAN. 28, 2000
"I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO PUT FOOD ON YOUR FAMILY."
-GREATER NASHUA, N.H., CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, JAN. 27, 2000
"WHAT I AM AGAINST IS QUOTAS. I AM AGAINST HARD QUOTAS, QUOTAS THEY BASICALLY DELINEATE BASED UPON WHATEVER. HOWEVER THEY DELINEATE, QUOTAS, I THINK
VULCANIZE SOCIETY. SO I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT FITS INTO WHAT EVERYBODY
ELSE IS SAYING, THEIR RELATIVE POSITIONS, BUT THAT'S MY POSITION."
-THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE, JAN. 21, 2000
"WHEN I WAS COMING UP, IT WAS A DANGEROUS WORLD, AND YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHO THEY WERE. IT WAS US VS. THEM, AND IT WAS CLEAR WHO THEM WAS. TODAY, WE ARE
NOT SO SURE WHO THE THEY ARE, BUT WE KNOW THEY'RE THERE."
-IOWA WESTERN COMMUNITY COLLEGE, JAN 21, 2000
"THE ADMINISTRATION I'LL BRING IS A GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE FOCUSED ON WHAT'S BEST FOR AMERICA, HONEST MEN AND WOMEN, DECENT MEN AND WOMEN,
WOMEN WHO WILL SEE SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY AS A GREAT PRIVILEGE AND WHO WILL
NOT STAIN THE HOUSE."
-DES MOINES REGISTER DEBATE, IOWA, JAN. 15, 2000
"THIS IS STILL A DANGEROUS WORLD. IT'S A WORLD OF MADMEN AND UNCERTAINTY AND POTENTIAL MENTAL LOSSES."
-AT A SOUTH CAROLINA OYSTER ROAST, AS QUOTED IN THE FINANCIAL TIMES, JAN. 14, 2000
"WE MUST ALL HEAR THE UNIVERSAL CALL TO LIKE YOUR NEIGHBOR JUST LIKE YOU LIKE TO BE LIKED YOURSELF."
"RARELY IS THE QUESTION ASKED: IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?"
-FLORENCE, S.C., JAN. 11, 2000
"GOV. BUSH WILL NOT STAND FOR THE SUBSIDATION OF FAILURE."
-FLORENCE, S.C., JAN. 11, 2000
"THE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS, HOW MANY HANDS HAVE I SHAKED?"
IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, OCT. 23, 1999
"I DON'T REMEMBER DEBATES. I DON'T THINK WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME DEBATING IT.. MAYBE WE DID, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER."
-ON DISCUSSIONS OF THE VIETNAM WAR WHEN HE WAS AN UNDERGRADUATE AT YALE, WASHINGTON POST, JULY 27, 1999
"IT WAS JUST INEBRIATING WHAT MIDLAND WAS ALL ABOUT THEN."
-FROM A 1994 INTERVIEW, AS QUOTED IN FIRST SON BY BILL MINUTAGLIO
"I THINK ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T THINK I'M SMART ENOUGH TO HANDLE THE JOB IS UNDERESTIMATING."
-U.S. NEWS & WORLD REPORT, APRIL 3, 2000
"ANYWAY, I'M SO THANKFUL, AND SO GRACIOUS - I'M GRACIOUS THAT MY BROTHER JEB IS CONCERNED ABOUT THE HEMISPHERE AS WELL." JUNE 4, 2001
"SO ON BEHALF OF A WELL-OILED UNIT OF PEOPLE WHO CAME TOGETHER TO SERVE SOMETHING GREATER THAN THEMSELVES, CONGRATULATIONS." IN REMARKS TO THE
UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM, THE 2001 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, MAY 31, 2001
"FOR EVERY FATAL SHOOTING, THERE WERE ROUGHLY THREE NON-FATAL SHOOTINGS. AND, FOLKS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE IN AMERICA. IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE. AND
WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." -MAY 14
"THERE'S NO QUESTION THAT THE MINUTE I GOT ELECTED, THE STORM CLOUDS ON THE HORIZON WERE GETTING NEARLY DIRECTLY OVERHEAD." - MAY 11, 2001
"BUT I ALSO MADE IT CLEAR TO (VLADIMIR PUTIN) THAT IT'S IMPORTANT TO THINK BEYOND THE OLD DAYS OF WHEN WE HAD THE CONCEPT THAT IF WE BLEW EACH OTHER
UP, THE WORLD WOULD BE SAFE." - MAY 1, 2001
"FIRST, WE WOULD NOT ACCEPT A TREATY THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN RATIFIED, NOR A TREATY THAT I THOUGHT MADE SENSE FOR THE COUNTRY." - ON THE KYOTO
ACCORD, APRIL 24, 2001
"IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR FOLKS TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN THERE'S MORE TRADE, THERE'S MORE COMMERCE." -AT THE SUMMIT OF THE AMERICAS IN QUEBEC CITY,
APRIL 21, 2001
"NEITHER IN FRENCH NOR IN ENGLISH NOR IN MEXICAN." - DECLINING TO TAKE REPORTERS' QUESTIONS DURING A PHOTO OP WITH CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER JEAN
CHRETIEN, APRIL 21, 2001
"THIS ADMINISTRATION IS DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO END THE STALEMATE IN AN EFFICIENT WAY. WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS TO BRING THE SOLUTION TO
AN END." -APRIL 10, 2001
"IT WOULD BE HELPFUL IF WE OPENED UP ANWR (ARCTIC NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE). I THINK IT'S A MISTAKE NOT TO. AND I WOULD URGE YOU ALL TO TRAVEL UP
THERE AND TAKE A LOOK AT IT, AND YOU CAN MAKE THE DETERMINATION AS TO HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT COUNTRY IS." - AT A WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE, MARCH 29,
2001
"I'VE COINED NEW WORDS, LIKE, MISUNDERSTANDING AND HISPANICALLY." -SPEAKING AT THE RADIO & TELEVISION CORRESPONDENTS DINNER, MARCH 29, 2001
"A LOT OF TIMES IN THE RHETORIC, PEOPLE FORGET THE FACTS. AND THE FACTS ARE THAT THOUSANDS OF SMALL BUSINESSES - HISPANICALLY OWNED OR OTHERWISE -
PAY TAXES AT THE HIGHEST MARGINAL RATE." -SPEAKING TO THE HISPANIC CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, MARCH 19, 2001
"I DO THINK WE NEED FOR A TROOP TO BE ABLE TO HOUSE HIS FAMILY. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF BUILDING MORALE IN THE MILITARY." -SPEAKING AT TYNDALL
AIR FORCE BASE IN FLORIDA, MARCH 12, 2001
"I SUSPECT THAT HAD MY DAD NOT BEEN PRESIDENT, HE'D BE ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS: HOW'D YOUR MEETING GO WITH SO-AND-SO? … HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN
YOU STOOD UP IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE FOR THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS-STATE OF THE BUDGET ADDRESS, WHATEVER YOU CALL IT." -IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE
WASHINGTON POST, MARCH 9, 2001
"ANN AND I WILL CARRY OUT THIS EQUIVOCAL MESSAGE TO THE WORLD: MARKETS MUST BE OPEN." AT THE SWEARING-IN CEREMONY FOR SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE ANN
VENEMAN, MARCH 2, 2001
PLAN PLAYS DOWN AN UNPRECEDENTED AMOUNT OF OUR NATIONAL DEBT." -IN HIS BUDGET ADDRESS TO CONGRESS, FEB. 27, 2001
"I HAVE SAID THAT THE SANCTION REGIME IS LIKE SWISS CHEESE - THAT MEANT THAT THEY WEREN'T VERY EFFECTIVE." -DURING A WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE,
FEB. 22, 2001
"YOU TEACH A CHILD TO READ, AND HE OR HER WILL BE ABLE TO PASS A LITERACY TEST.'' -FEB. 21, 2001
"IT'S GOOD TO SEE SO MANY FRIENDS HERE IN THE ROSE GARDEN. THIS IS OUR FIRST EVENT IN THIS BEAUTIFUL SPOT, AND IT'S APPROPRIATE WE TALK ABOUT
POLICY THAT WILL AFFECT PEOPLE'S LIVES IN A POSITIVE WAY IN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PART OF OUR NATIONAL - REALLY, OUR NATIONAL PARK SYSTEM, MY
GUESS IS YOU WOULD WANT TO CALL IT."-FEB. 8, 2001
"WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT AIDS INSIDE OUR WHITE HOUSE - MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT." -FEB. 7, 2001
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS LEGACIES. AT LEAST, THERE IS A LEGACY, BUT I'LL NEVER SEE IT." -SPEAKING TO CATHOLIC LEADERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, JAN.
31, 2001
"I APPRECIATE THAT QUESTION BECAUSE I, IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, HAD HEARD A LOT OF DISCUSSION ABOUT A FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE ERODING THE IMPORTANT
BRIDGE BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE.", SPEAKING TO REPORTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 29, 2001
"I AM MINDFUL NOT ONLY OF PRESERVING EXECUTIVE POWERS FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR PREDECESSORS AS WELL." -WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 29, 2001
"REDEFINING THE ROLE OF THE UNITED STATES FROM ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE TO ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE FROM PEACEKEEPERS IS GOING TO BE AN
ASSIGNMENT." -JAN. 2001
"I'M HOPEFUL. I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF AMBITION IN WASHINGTON, OBVIOUSLY. BUT I HOPE THE AMBITIOUS REALIZE THAT THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED WITH
SUCCESS AS OPPOSED TO FAILURE." -JAN. 2001
"THE CALIFORNIA CRUNCH REALLY IS THE RESULT OF NOT ENOUGH POWER-GENERATING PLANTS AND THEN NOT ENOUGH POWER TO POWER THE POWER OF GENERATING
PLANTS." -JAN. 2001
"SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE ANTHONY GETS A GOOD MEAL - ANTONIO." -GEORGE W. BUSH, ON LAURA BUSH INVITING JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA TO DINNER AT
THE WHITE HOUSE, JAN. 2001
WE MUST ALL HEAR THE UNIVERSAL CALL TO LIKE YOUR NEIGHBOR JUST LIKE YOU LIKE TO BE LIKED YOURSELF.
I HAVE A DIFFERENT VISION OF LEADERSHIP. A LEADERSHIP IS SOMEONE WHO BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER.
I MEAN, THERE NEEDS TO BE A WHOLESALE EFFORT AGAINST RACIAL PROFILING, WHICH IS ILLITERATE CHILDREN.
LEADERSHIP TO ME MEANS DUTY, HONOR, COUNTRY. IT MEANS CHARACTER, AND IT MEANS LISTENING FROM TIME TO TIME.
IN MY SENTENCES I GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
ONE OF THE COMMON DENOMINATORS I HAVE FOUND IS THAT EXPECTATIONS RISE ABOVE THAT WHICH IS EXPECTED.
THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IS NOT TO BE GOVERNOR, OR FIRST LADY IN MY CASE.
THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THE SYSTEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE LIKE ME.
WE ARE READY FOR ANY UNFORESEEN EVENT WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN.
THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM.
I APPRECIATE THAT QUESTION BECAUSE I, IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, HAD HEARD A LOT OF DISCUSSION ABOUT A FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE ERODING THE IMPORTANT BRIDGE
BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE.
FOR EVERY FATAL SHOOTING, THERE WERE ROUGHLY THREE NON-FATAL SHOOTINGS. AND, FOLKS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE IN AMERICA. IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE. AND
WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
THIS ADMINISTRATION IS DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO END THE STALEMATE IN AN EFFICIENT WAY. WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS TO BRING THE SOLUTION TO AN
END.
ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT BOOKS IS SOMETIMES THERE ARE SOME FANTASTIC PICTURES.
I MENTIONED EARLY ON THAT I RECOGNIZE THERE ARE HURDLES, AND WE'RE GOING TO ACHIEVE THOSE HURDLES. [1/22/2003]
PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY VERY WEIRD CAN GET INTO SENSITIVE POSITIONS AND HAVE A TREMENDOUS IMPACT ON HISTORY.
THE ADMINISTRATION I'LL BRING IS A GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE FOCUSED ON WHAT'S BEST FOR AMERICA, HONEST MEN AND WOMEN, DECENT MEN AND WOMEN,
WOMEN WHO WILL SEE SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY AS A GREAT PRIVILEGE AND WHO WILL NOT STAIN THE HOUSE.
IT'S CLEARLY A BUDGET. IT'S GOT A LOT OF NUMBERS IN IT.
I UNDERSTAND SMALL BUSINESS GROWTH. I WAS ONE.
HE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. HE CAN'T TAKE THE HIGH HORSE AND THEN CLAIM THE LOW ROAD.
RARELY IS THE QUESTION ASKED: IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?
WILL THE HIGHWAYS ON THE INTERNET BECOME MORE FEW?
WE CANNOT LET TERRORISTS HOLD THIS NATION HOSTILE OR HOLD OUR ALLIES HOSTILE.
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING IN TENNESSEE -- I KNOW IT'S IN TEXAS, PROBABLY IN TENNESSEE...THAT SAYS, FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON...SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME...YOU
CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN. [9/17/2002]
AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS, I HAVE SET HIGH STANDARDS FOR OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS, AND I HAVE MET THOSE STANDARDS.
OUR NATION MUST COME TOGETHER TO UNITE.
"A LOW VOTER TURNOUT IS AN INDICATION OF FEWER PEOPLE GOING TO THE POLLS."
"I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS IN THE FUTURE."
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
"IF WE DON'T SUCCEED, WE RUN THE RISK OF FAILURE."
"MY BROTHER JEB HAS ASSURED ME THE STATE OF FLORIDA."
"IF YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED OF THE POLITICS OF CYNICISM AND POLLS AND PRINCIPLES, COME AND JOIN THIS CAMPAIGN."
"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST EDUCATED AMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY."
"I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO PUT FOOD ON YOUR FAMILY."
"WHEN I WAS COMING UP, IT WAS A DANGEROUS WORLD, AND YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHO THEY WERE. IT WAS US VS. THEM, AND IT WAS CLEAR WHO THEM WAS. TODAY, WE ARE
NOT SO SURE WHO THE THEY ARE, BUT WE KNOW THEY'RE THERE."
AN OPENLY KNOWN HOMOSEXUAL IS SOMEBODY WHO PROBABLY WOULDN'T SHARE MY PHILOSOPHY."
"GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE; GUNS ARE DESIGNED AND MANUFACTURED FOR THE PURPOSE OF ENABLING PEOPLE TO USE THE GUNS TO KILL PEOPLE."
"I THINK WHAT'S GETTING LOST IN THIS WHOLE DEBATE IS THIS: TAKING DRUGS IS WRONG." W'S ANSWER TO WHAT THE PRESIDENT SHOULD DO ABOUT HIGH
PRESCRIPTION DRUG PRICES IN THE USA
"I THINK IT'S FINE, AS LONG AS IT'S CHRISTIAN PRAYERS. ANYTHING ELSE IS UN-AMERICAN."
-GEORGE W. BUSH [HIS THOUGHTS ON PRAYING AT SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAMES]
"WE CAN'T LET THIS CHILD COME UNDER THE SWAY OF AN ISOLATIONIST, TYRANNICAL STATE LED BY A SELF-OBSESSED SOCIOPATH. BY ALL MEANS, SEND HIM BACK TO
CUBA."
"THEY MISUNDERESTIMATED ME."
"WE'RE ENJOYING SLUGGISH TIMES, AND NOT ENJOYING THEM VERY MUCH."
"I'VE GOT A RECORD, A RECORD THAT IS CONSERVATIVE AND A RECORD THAT IS COMPASSIONATED."
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM."
"MR. VICE PRESIDENT, IN ALL DUE RESPECT, IT IS-I'M NOT SURE 80 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE GET THE DEATH TAX. I KNOW THIS: 100 PERCENT WILL GET IT IF I'M
THE PRESIDENT."
"I HAVE OPINIONS OF MY OWN -- STRONG OPINIONS --BUT I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE WITH THEM.
"OUR PRIORITIES IS OUR FAITH."
"KEEP GOOD RELATIONS WITH THE GRECIANS."
HE [BUSH] RECALLED THE LAST TIME HE WAS IN FLORIDA, ON THE MORNING OF SEPT. 11, AND WHAT WENT THROUGH HIS MIND WHEN THE FIRST PLANE HIT NEW YORK'S
WORLD TRADE CENTER: "I USED TO FLY MYSELF, AND I SAID, 'WELL, THERE'S ONE TERRIBLE PILOT.'"
--ASSOCIATED PRESS, DEC. 4, 2001
"I DON'T THINK THAT WITCHCRAFT IS A RELIGION. I WISH THE MILITARY WOULD RETHINK THIS DECISION." - TO ABC NEWS, JUNE 1999, REGARDING FT. HOOD'S
DECISION TO ALLOW WICCAN RITUALS
"I AM MINDFUL NOT ONLY OF PRESERVING EXECUTIVE POWERS FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR PREDECESSORS AS WELL." - JAN. 29, 2001
"MY PRO-LIFE POSITION IS I BELIEVE THERE'S LIFE. IT'S NOT NECESSARILY BASED IN RELIGION. I THINK THERE'S A LIFE THERE, THEREFORE THE NOTION OF
LIFE, LIBERTY AND PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS." - JAN. 23, 2001
"REDEFINING THE ROLE OF THE UNITED STATES FROM ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE TO ENABLERS TO KEEP THE PEACE FROM PEACEKEEPERS IS GOING TO BE AN
ASSIGNMENT." - JAN. 14, 2001
"THE CALIFORNIA CRUNCH REALLY IS THE RESULT OF NOT ENOUGH POWER-GENERATING PLANTS AND THEN NOT ENOUGH POWER TO POWER THE POWER OF GENERATING
PLANTS." - JAN. 14, 2001
"I HOPE THE AMBITIOUS REALIZE THAT THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED WITH SUCCESS AS OPPOSED TO FAILURE." - JAN. 18, 2001
"SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE ANTHONY GETS A GOOD MEAL-ANTONIO."-ON LAURA BUSH INVITING JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA TO DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE. -
JAN. 14, 2001
"I AM MINDFUL OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH. I ASSURED ALL FOUR OF THESE LEADERS THAT I KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE, AND THAT DIFFERENCE IS THEY PASS THE LAWS AND I EXECUTE THEM." - DEC. 18, 2000
"THEY WANT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTROLLING SOCIAL SECURITY LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FEDERAL PROGRAM." - NOV. 2, 2000
"I MEAN, THERE NEEDS TO BE A WHOLESALE EFFORT AGAINST RACIAL PROFILING, WHICH IS ILLITERATE CHILDREN." - OCT. 11, 2000
"I DO KNOW I'M READY FOR THE JOB. AND, IF NOT, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GOES." - AUG. 21, 2000
"I KNOW THE HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY." - SEP. 29, 2000
"I WILL HAVE A FOREIGN-HANDED FOREIGN POLICY." - SEP. 27, 2000
"I THINK WE OUGHT TO RAISE THE AGE AT WHICH JUVENILES CAN HAVE A GUN."
"FAMILIES IS WHERE OUR NATION FINDS HOPE, WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAM." - OCT. 18, 2000
"THE WOMAN WHO KNEW THAT I HAD DYSLEXIA--I NEVER INTERVIEWED HER." - SEPT. 15, 2000
"WE CANNOT LET TERRIERS AND ROGUE NATIONS HOLD THIS NATION HOSTILE" - SEP. 9, 2000
"IF MOST OF THE BREAKS GO TO WEALTHY PEOPLE IT'S BECAUSE MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO PAY TAXES ARE WEALTHY."
"I DON'T NEED TO BE SUBLIMINABABLE" - SEP. 12, 2000
"FAMILIES IS WHERE OUR NATION FINDS HOPE, WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAM." -GEORGE W. BUSH, IN OCT.. 2000
"I CALL UPON ALL NATIONS TO DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STOP THESE TERRORIST KILLERS. THANK YOU. NOW WATCH THIS DRIVE."
--AUGUST 4, 2002, ON VIOLENCE IN THE MIDDLE EAST... AND HIS GOLF GAME
"I KNOW THAT HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY." --GEORGE W. BUSH, SEPT. 29, 2000
George W Bush's Resume
BUSH SR.
"IT'S NO EXAGGERATION TO SAY THAT THE UNDECIDEDS COULD GO ONE WAY OR ANOTHER."
"IF IGNORANCE GOES TO FORTY DOLLARS A BARREL, I WANT DRILLING RIGHTS TO GEORGE BUSH'S HEAD." -JIM HIGHTOWER, FORMER TEXAS COMMISSIONER OF
AGRICULTURE, REFERRING TO THE ELDER BUSH
I'M CONSERVATIVE, BUT I'M NOT A NUT ABOUT IT.
"FOR SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS I'VE WORKED ALONGSIDE PRESIDENT REAGAN. WE'VE HAD TRIUMPHS. MADE SOME MISTAKES. WE'VE HAD SOME
SEX...UH...SETBACKS."
-GEORGE H.W. BUSH IN 1988
"WHEN I NEED A LITTLE ADVICE ABOUT SADDAM HUSSEIN, I TURN TO COUNTRY MUSIC." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1991
" "YOU CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF YOU DON'T HAVE FAITH. REMEMBER LINCOLN, GOING TO HIS KNEES IN TIMES OF TRIAL AND THE CIVIL WAR
AND ALL THAT STUFF. YOU CAN'T BE. AND WE ARE BLESSED. SO DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR - DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA."
--1/15/92
"HIGH TECH IS POTENT, PRECISE, AND IN THE END, UNBEATABLE. THE TRUTH IS, IT REMINDS A LOT OF PEOPLE OF THE WAY I PITCH HORSESHOES. WOULD YOU BELIEVE
SOME OF THE PEOPLE? WOULD YOU BELIEVE OUR DOG? LOOK, I WANT TO GIVE THE HIGH-FIVE SYMBOL TO HIGH TECH." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1989
"IF A FROG HAD WINGS, HE WOULDN'T HIT HIS TAIL ON THE GROUND. TOO HYPOTHETICAL." -GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1992
"TO KIND OF SUDDENLY TRY TO GET MY HAIR COLORED, AND DANCE UP AND DOWN IN A MINISKIRT OR DO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, SHOW THAT I'VE GOT A LOT OF JAZZ
OUT THERE AND DROP A BUNCH OF ONE-LINERS, I'M RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES...I KIND OF THINK I'M A SCINTILLATING KIND OF FELLOW."
-GEORGE BUSH SR., IN 1988
"PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO DO THAT"IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT CARIBOU, TAKE A LOOK AT THE ARGUMENTS THAT WERE USED ABOUT THE PIPELINE. THEY'D SAY THE
CARIBOU WOULD BE EXTINCT. YOU'VE GOT TO SHAKE THEM AWAY WITH A STICK. THEY'RE ALL MAKING LOVE LYING UP AGAINST THE PIPELINE AND YOU GOT THOUSANDS OF
CARIBOU UP THERE." --GEORGE BUSH SR., SPEAKING ABOUT THE ALASKAN PIPELINE, OCT. 31, 1991 WHICH I'VE JUST SAID I'M NOT GOING TO DO, BECAUSE YOU'RE
BURNING UP TIME. THE METER IS RUNNING THROUGH THE SAND ON YOU, AND I AM NOW FILIBUSTERING." --GEORGE BUSH SR., APRIL 20, 1989
"FLUENCY IN ENGLISH IS SOMETHING THAT I'M OFTEN NOT ACCUSED OF." --GEORGE BUSH SR., JUNE 6, 1989
"I'VE BEEN TALKING THE SAME WAY FOR YEARS, SO IT CAN'T BE THAT SERIOUS." --GEORGE BUSH SR., AUG. 7, 1988
DAN
"WELCOME TO PRESIDENT BUSH, MRS. BUSH, AND MY FELLOW ASTRONAUTS."
"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST-EDUCATED AMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD." 9/21/88
"WE HAVE A FIRM COMMITMENT TO NATO, WE ARE A 'PART' OF NATO. WE HAVE A FIRM COMMITMENT TO EUROPE. WE ARE A 'PART' OF EUROPE."
"THE HOLOCAUST WAS AN OBSCENE PERIOD IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY. I MEAN IN THIS CENTURY'S HISTORY. BUT WE ALL LIVED IN THIS CENTURY. I DIDN'T LIVE IN
THIS CENTURY." 15/9/88
"QUITE FRANKLY, TEACHERS ARE THE ONLY PROFESSION THAT TEACH OUR CHILDREN." 18/9/90
"WE EXPECT THE SALVADOREAN OFFICIALS TO WORK TOWARDS THE EXTREMINATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS."
DAN QUAYLE.
"WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO HAVE LOST ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND AT ALL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." -- SPEAKING TO THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD."
"YOU ALL LOOK LIKE HAPPY CAMPERS TO ME. HAPPY CAMPERS YOU ARE, HAPPY CAMPERS YOU HAVE BEEN, AND, AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, HAPPY CAMPERS YOU WILL
ALWAYS BE." -- TO THE AMERICAN SAMOANS
"I BELIEVE WE ARE ON AN IRREVERSIBLE TREND TOWARD MORE FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY - BUT THAT COULD CHANGE."
"IF WE DO NOT SUCCEED, THEN WE RUN THE RISK OF FAILURE." -- QUOTED IN THE PHOENIX REPUBLICAN FORUM, MARCH 1990
"VERBOSITY LEADS TO UNCLEAR, INARTICULATE THINGS."
"I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGEMENTS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MADE GOOD JUDGEMENTS IN THE FUTURE."
"I STAND BY ALL THE MISSTATEMENTS THAT I'VE MADE."
"THE OTHER DAY [THE PRESIDENT] SAID, I KNOW YOU'VE HAD SOME ROUGH TIMES, AND I WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL SHOW THE NATION WHAT FAITH THAT I HAVE
IN YOU, IN YOUR MATURITY AND SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY. (HE PAUSED, THEN SAID) WOULD YOU LIKE A PUPPY?" -- (LA TIMES 5/21/89)
"MY FRIENDS, NO MATTER HOW ROUGH THE ROAD MAY BE, WE CAN AND WE WILL, NEVER, NEVER SURRENDER TO WHAT IS RIGHT." -- IN A SPEECH TO THE CHRISTIAN
COALITION
"I DESERVE RESPECT FOR THE THINGS I DID NOT DO."
"I FEEL THAT THIS [1981] IS MY FIRST YEAR, THAT NEXT YEAR IS AN ELECTION YEAR, THAT THE THIRD YEAR IS THE MID POINT AND THAT THE FOURTH YEAR IS THE
LAST CHANCE I'LL HAVE TO MAKE A RECORD SINCE THE LAST TWO YEARS, I'LL BE A CANDIDATE AGAIN. EVERYTHING I DO IN THOSE LAST TWO YEARS WILL BE
POSTURING FOR THE ELECTION. BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT."
"THIS PRESIDENT IS GOING TO LEAD US OUT OF THIS RECOVERY." -- AT A CAMPAIGN STOP IN CALIFORNIA AND AND THEN AT CA STATE UNIVERSITY, FRESNO (THE
QUAYLE QUARTERLY, SPRING/SUMMER 1992)
"WE ARE READY FOR ANY UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY."
"[THE U.S. VICTORY IN GULF WAR WAS A] STIRRING VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF AGGRESSION."
"THE BEST THING ABOUT RAIN FORESTS IS THEY NEVER SUFFER FROM DROUGHT."
"THE GLOBAL IMPORTANCE OF THE MIDDLE EAST IS THAT IT KEEPS THE NEAR EAST AND THE FAR EAST FROM ENCROACHING ON EACH OTHER."
"OUR PARTY HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF FOOLING THE PUBLIC BY CALLING TAX INCREASES 'REVENUE ENHANCEMENT.' NOT SO. NO ONE WAS FOOLED."
"PEOPLE ARE NOT HOMELESS IF THEY'RE SLEEPING IN THE STREETS OF THEIR OWN HOMETOWNS."
"REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF ABANDONING THE POOR. IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND. THEY NEVER VOTE FOR US."
"BANK FAILURES ARE CAUSED BY DEPOSITORS WHO DON'T DEPOSIT ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER LOSSES DUE TO MISMANAGEMENT."
"AIR TRAVEL EFFICIENCY WOULD IMPROVE IF MORE TRAVELERS STARTED GOING TO LESS POPULAR PLACES."
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE
PEOPLE."
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA, I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
"FOR NASA, SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY." 5/9/90
"HAWAII IS A UNIQUE STATE. IT IS A SMALL STATE. IT IS A STATE THAT IS BY ITSELF. IT IS A --IT IS DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER 49 STATES. WELL, ALL STATES
ARE DIFFERENT, BUT IT'S GOT A PARTICULARLY UNIQUE SITUATION."
-DAN QUALYE
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
-BOB DOLE
"I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE DEFICIT. IT IS BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF ITSELF." -RONALD REAGAN
"WELL, I LEARNED A LOT....I WENT DOWN TO (LATIN AMERICA) TO FIND OUT FROM THEM AND (LEARN) THEIR VIEWS. YOU'D BE SURPRISED. THEY'RE ALL INDIVIDUAL
COUNTRIES" -RONALD
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER.
"I THINK GAY MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN." -ARNOLD
"THE C**K ISN'T A MUSCLE SO IT DOESN'T GROW IN RELATION TO THE SHOULDERS, SAY, OR THE PECTORALS. YOU CAN'T MAKE IT BIGGER THROUGH EXERCISE,
THAT'S FOR SURE." -ARNOLD
"THE PUBLIC DOESN'T CARE ABOUT FIGURES." -ARNOLD
"NIXON WAS ALWAYS BEING ATTACKED SEXUALLY. IT WAS ALWAYS SAID THAT HE WAS A FAG AND THAT HE HAD NO SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HIS WIFE FOR 15 YEARS AND
THAT WAS WHY HE LIKED POWER. AND HITLER HAD ONLY ONE BALL, AND THAT WAS WHY HE WANTED TO CONQUER THE WORLD." - ARNOLD
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on May 13th, 2005 at 01:09 PM
One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in
order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
said $165,000.
Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which
kind of bets?”
The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.
The old lady said to him: “Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with
you”.
“No problem” said the president.
That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in
all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.
The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch
them.
“Of course please do!”, said the president, given the fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”
The lady, smiling, started to do so..
The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady “What is he doing?”
She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 AM today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of
Canada in the palm of my hands!”
Kruizin Kol
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posted on May 20th, 2005 at 12:57 PM
Irish Toast
> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
> of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at
> the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his
> wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
> She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
> beside me wife."
> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street
> corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
> other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself you know.
> He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep,
> and
> the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
>
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazer
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posted on May 31st, 2005 at 11:18 AM
This is a translation of a letter which claims to be copy of
a letter sent by a young Croatian man to the Croatian
Secretary of Defense to avoid military service. An
extraordinary piece of reasoning, worthy of attention of
anyone interested in logic, genealogy and other related
matters.
Dear Minister of Defense,
Please allow me to explain my situation in a hope that you
will be Able to resolve my case.
I am expecting to get the call to serve in the Croatian Army.
I am 23 and I married a 47 year old widow who has a 26 year
old daughter. Her daughter subsequently married my father. By
marrying my wife's daughter, my father became my son-in-law.
In the same time, my wife is a mother-in-law of my father,
and her daughter is now also my step-mother.
In September my wife and I got a son. Clearly this child is a
brother of my father's wife, and thus a brother-in-law of my
father. In the same time, my son is also my uncle because he
is a brother of my step-mother.
In October my father's wife got a son as well. This child is
now also My brother because he is a son of my father. But I
am the step-father of My wife's daughter and also a brother
of her son whose father is also my father. Thus, my father's
son is also my step-grand son because he is a son of my
wife's daughter. Consequently, I am a brother of my own step-
grandson, so I am also my own step-grand father.
However, according to the law, not more then two consecutive
Generations of fathers and sons (grand-father, father, son)
can be called for military duty simultaneously, so I should
be relieved from the Military duty.
Thank you for your understanding.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
theverybigtallman
A.k.a.: dave andrews
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posted on May 31st, 2005 at 03:56 PM
haha amazer. it remind me of this...
> > Many years ago
> > when I was twenty three,
> > I got married to a widow
> > who was pretty as could be
> >
> > this widow had a daughter
> > Who had hair of red.
> > My father fell in love with her.
> > And soon the pair were wed.
> >
> > This made my dad my son-in law
> > And changed my very life.
> > My daughter was my mother,
> > For she was my fathers wife.
> >
> > To complicate matters worse
> > Although it brought me joy,
> > I soon became the father
> > Of a bouncing baby boy.
> >
> > My little baby then became
> > A brother-in-law to dad.
> > And so became my uncle,
> > Though it made me very sad.
> >
> > For if he was my uncle,
> > Then that also made him brother
> > To the widows's grown up daughter
> > Who of course, was my step mother.
> >
> > Father's wife then had a son,
> > Who kept them on the run.
> > And he became my grandson,
> > For he was my daughter's son.
> >
> > My wife is now my mother's mum
> > And it surely makes me blue.
> > Because, although she is my wife,
> > She is my grandma too.
> >
> > If my wife is my grandmother,
> > Then I am her grandchild.
> > And every time I think of it,
> > It simply drives me wild.
> >
> > For now I have become
> > The strangest case you ever saw.
> > As the husband of my grandmother,
> > I am my own grandpa!
does this actually work?
early 60s beetle for sale - ex bush basher - spares - $100 or offers
amazer
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posted on May 31st, 2005 at 04:20 PM
Both tales remind me very much of my inlaws family. They are so mixed up that I cant even explain it without a pen and paper and then theres so many
lines it looks like a bowl of spaghetti. Its my favourite tale to tell when drunk, takes many drink coasters put together.
Yours is actually a song. Not sure if he is original artist, but I have a version by Ray Stevens. The last bit...
I'm my own Grandpa
I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny I know
but it really is so
oh my own grandpa
repeats till fade.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on June 9th, 2005 at 04:23 PM
Subject: Inventions
Arthur Davidson the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the
Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to His Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it,
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
A.k.a.: Mr X
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posted on June 30th, 2005 at 08:46 PM
So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm
bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poo"
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
and the best one .
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ......
You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 06:13 PM
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on
your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
A.k.a.: Mr X
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 06:19 PM
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that
service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the
horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said,
"I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished
having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same
frantic pace.
Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill
yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long
tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've
gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
A.k.a.: Mr X
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 07:04 PM
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a
friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a
job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you.
We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified
and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will
call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 07:08 PM
Funny IRC conversation.......
Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly
we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there,
and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
A.k.a.: Mr X
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 07:20 PM
I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
