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posted on September 2nd, 2003 at 05:43 PM
When our son was young we had to go out of town. Our
station wagon was overheating so we borrowed my
sister's Mercedes. While traveling our son entertained
himself with all the Mercedes' buttons. He asked why
we didn't have a car like this. I answered him by
saying that in this life you either have children and
a station wagon or no children and a Mercedes. Months
later, the subject of the birds and the bees came up
and I asked my son if he understood what happens when
egg and sperm unite. His answer: "There goes your
Mercedes."
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on September 4th, 2003 at 05:33 PM
Hey, I've got no kids, and I'm still driving a kombi!!!
This next one has been around the traps a bit. I got it from Jen, who got it from Tazz, and I think Jay and Shani have had it too....
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups.
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of a small country
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas
How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
Leave in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound
Look at manly physique in the mirror
Admire size of knob and scratch your ass
Get in the shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap
Shampoo hair
Make shampoo mohawk
Pee
Rinse off and get out of the shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on the floor
Admire knob size in mirror again
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on September 4th, 2003 at 05:34 PM
One from Thook:
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment".
The husband replies "your eyesight's f*ckin' spot on".
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on September 4th, 2003 at 05:36 PM
Another one from Thook (she has way too much time on her handS!!!)
This girl walks into a chemist's shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by
having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman." So
she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Kruizin Kol
Tazz
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posted on September 5th, 2003 at 06:19 PM
Just a pick
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
A.k.a.: Warren Way
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posted on September 9th, 2003 at 12:38 AM
Aussies...
recieved this in an e-mail.....
We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from
New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but divided into many States. First, there's
Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is
the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, café latte, grand final day and big
horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is
that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. It's
mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to
keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels
as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had
the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula
One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the
last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there
in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and
dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of
our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly
over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect
the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in
joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party, albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes
and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're
whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no
worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national
attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's
about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league
and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the
biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst
dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an
ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security
guards or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.... Stand proud
Aussies....We shoot, we root, we vote.
We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. even though we might seem a
racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel
better for it.
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posted on September 9th, 2003 at 02:28 AM
Normally i dont give a toss,but after reading that i feel dam proud to be an aussie,ADVANCE AUSTRALIA SQUARE,
Bugged Again
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posted on September 9th, 2003 at 07:58 AM
No mention of teh Kiwis that make up about half the population???
KruizinKombi
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posted on September 9th, 2003 at 08:46 AM
I like it Tazz. :thumb
This is a good one, I heard it a while ago, and now it arrives in my email. Thanks Thook...
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......................
"Go get your mother."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 9th, 2003 at 09:04 AM
yeah the New Zealanders were mentioned, theres too many it said :thumb
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This stirring piece of web site literature shows the true genius that is Australia … where else can a man drink 52 cans of the gold brew while
flying at high altitude and still beat the poms at cricket!!!!
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posted on September 10th, 2003 at 06:07 PM
Another darwin award... not from an email but from the local news.
A 23 yr old dapto man is in hospital in stable condition. He was left with serious wounds to his genitals and nearby regions when fireworks went off
between his buttocks.
:o
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
zac_smits
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posted on September 10th, 2003 at 08:16 PM
ooooooooooooo
poor guy. u wouldn't wish that one on anywone.
what was he doing with the fireworks between his buttocks anyway???:O:O
amazer
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posted on September 11th, 2003 at 12:07 PM
I dunno. he's from dapto. Probably trying to smoke it. Did you see the south park episode where they... ate and pooped in reverse? maybe he
thought it was a true story.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
-----------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
---------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
-------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
-------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------
P: DAME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
-------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
-----------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
-----------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
-----------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
-------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
-----------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
Tazz
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posted on September 11th, 2003 at 12:54 PM
Little Mary was in the garden filling up a hole with dirt,
when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you doing there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully without looking up. "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,
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posted on September 11th, 2003 at 01:03 PM
aww tazz that's an old one
still trying to catch up with the times are you?
Boozer
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posted on September 11th, 2003 at 04:25 PM
love the aircraft one!:thumb
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
jenz58
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posted on September 11th, 2003 at 07:44 PM
I sent out that 'What's wrong' pic
My daughter messaged me to say it was 'NASTY' lol
Jay sent me one in return that made me jump even higher:o
She'd received both in the same morning, spooky:alien
Oasis
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posted on September 13th, 2003 at 03:03 AM
Mother Teresa dies and goes to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into
Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell
enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says, "God, I am
grateful
to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led, but here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and
in
the other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand...."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says: "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
MARRIAGE (PART1)
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
The table unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with My old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are My
rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether
you're here or not."
MARRIAGE (PART II)
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th Wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you A headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At
Last.'"
MARRIAGE (PART III)
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated Husband
says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is So proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" In
spite of
her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as
well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
MARRIAGE (PART V)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and
asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket
before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
MARRIAGE (PART VI)
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, And recommended that she engage in
sexual activity three times A week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband That his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on
Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of
golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the drunk's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.
Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct; but how on earth did
you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
[Edited on 15-9-2003 by Oasis]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
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posted on September 15th, 2003 at 03:24 PM
Another one from Thook:
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chiefs surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She
enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dickhead, for the last time, I said, "Bring Posse!"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 15th, 2003 at 03:28 PM
hey, i know you are online so please get back to me...
I just read that whole loan ranger thing and didn't get the end of it.
I hate having to explain jokes to people but.
what was the horse sposed to bring??
Posse?????? whats that???????
Now i sound like a loser
KruizinKombi
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posted on September 15th, 2003 at 03:31 PM
LMAO @ purple!!! (sorry, couldn't help myself!!)
Posse: (n) a group of people summoned by a sheriff to assist in keeping the peace (The Concise English Dictionary)
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 15th, 2003 at 03:43 PM
ok,
so what made the horse bring back the blonde and the brunette??
I know i am a dickhead.
By the way,
I am not blonde
just naturally stupid!
KruizinKombi
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posted on September 15th, 2003 at 06:14 PM
Hahaha, too funny!!!
He had to whisper "Bring Posse" to Silver, but Silver thought he said "Bring Pussy"
posted on September 2nd, 2003 at 05:43 PM
