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posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 07:37 AM
Atheist in Trouble
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and
his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you
didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
dubless. And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house???
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posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 08:59 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." he said with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 09:03 AM
LITTLE FLAB !!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your
control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response... so she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in place, she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 09:08 AM
A boss wondered why Glen, one of his most valued employees, had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of their main
properties, he dialled Glen's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.... "hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "no".
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I speak with her?"
Again, the small voice whispered, "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A Helicopter", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again whispering, the child answered,
"The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me"!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 09:31 AM
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a
while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that
bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!"
"By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 09:34 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball
hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 09:35 AM
*_Moose story;_*
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board - he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went
down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 23rd, 2007 at 08:40 AM
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!
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posted on August 23rd, 2007 at 09:47 AM
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not bad eh?!
amazeer
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posted on August 23rd, 2007 at 10:08 AM
Barry Dawson, bloody legend
Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Barry Dawson's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Barry Dawson.
Barry Dawson can speak Braille.
When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Barry Dawson doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.
Barry Dawson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Barry Dawson once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Barry Dawson is the only man ! to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Barry Dawson once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet
tall and had learned karate.
Barry Dawson once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Barry Dawson won by 5.
Barry Dawson once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When Barry Dawson has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Barry Dawson, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Barry Dawson ordered a Big Mac at Red Rooster, and got one.
It takes Barry Dawson 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Barry Dawson doesn't believe in New Zealand.
Barry Dawson can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Barry Dawson ! recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of Australian women lost their virginity to Barry Dawson. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Barry Dawson invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn.
One day Barry Dawson walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
When Barry Dawson plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Barry Dawson qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Barry Dawson.
Barry Dawson counted to infinity - twice.
When Barry Dawson does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Barry Dawson hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Barry Dawson gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Barry Dawson can slam a revolving door.
Barry Dawson's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Superman owns a pair of Barry Dawson pyjamas.
Barry Dawson owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of
Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Barry Dawson doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Once a cobra bit Barry Dawson's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Barry Dawson divides by zero.
Barry Dawson is always on top during sex because Barry Dawson never fucks up.
Barry Dawson once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
The only time Barry Dawson was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
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amazeer
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posted on August 23rd, 2007 at 10:24 AM
Life is all about ass;
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one .....
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:48 AM
TWO IRISH ENGINEERS and a BLONDE
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few
measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.
Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:51 AM
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how they like it now !"
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:53 AM
A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty that stuttered." she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must have been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went ffff, ffff, ffff and before he could say "fu@k" the rottweiler ate him."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:54 AM
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship to turn
over and sink."
They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the
shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:55 AM
Anger Management!
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:56 AM
I OWE MY MOTHER . . .
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck ,
You're not going to the shops with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear ,
In case you're in an accident ."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
Who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
To get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
Don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
You'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
You were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:58 AM
One day, during his morning walk, John Howard drops dead. He arrives at the Pearly Gates, to be told by St Peter: "We seldom see a Liberal, so we're
not sure what to do with you." No problem, says Howard. "Just let me in, I'm a good Christian."
But St Peter tells him it's not that simple. Under God's new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, Howard must spend one day in hell and one day in heaven before
choosing where he'll live for eternity. And with that St Peter rings the bell, an elevator arrives, and down Howard goes, non-stop, to hell.
However, when the doors open Howard finds himself on a lush golf course. The sun is shining, the day is perfect, and standing in front of a beautiful
clubhouse is Bob Menzies, Billy McMahon, Billy Hughes, Joh Bjelke-Petersen, Frank and Kerry Packer, Bob Askin, Bob Santamaria, and many more. They all
run to hug him and talk about the old times they had getting rich. They play a round of golf, have a lot of laughs, dine in the club on lobster and
champagne, and are having such a good time that, before Howard realises, it's time to go.
Back in heaven, St Peter takes him inside where, for 24 hours, Howard hangs out with a bunch of ordinary, good-natured people who enjoy each other's
company, eat simply, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a broken promise or short-arse joke among them, but what
Howard notices most is that he doesn't see anybody he knows.
The day over, Howard tells St Peter: "Heaven has been delightful but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."
So back into the elevator and down he goes, only this time when the doors open he's surrounded by endless scorched earth covered with smog and filth,
while all his friends are chained together in rags and are filling black drums with toxic waste.
The Devil appears.
"I don't understand," stammers Howard. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and I ate lobster and drank champagne
with all my friends. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland and everybody is miserable!"
The Devil puts an arm around him, smiling, and says silkily: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 11:59 AM
BLACK TESTICLES
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 12:05 PM
24 things that make blokes proud of themselves...
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it
says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the
pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven.
See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you
the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 12:07 PM
BBQ RULES
BBQ season should be year round, therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's
the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 12:07 PM
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."
God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father?
We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French, too, wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit
adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?"
They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free." "We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody
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posted on September 5th, 2007 at 12:08 PM
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You not from around here, hey bro?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Cenada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us hey."
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posted on September 10th, 2007 at 10:38 AM
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and
avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit
trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
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posted on September 10th, 2007 at 10:40 AM
GRANDPA ON THE PORCH
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on
from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your willy is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well...last week I sat
out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
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posted on September 10th, 2007 at 10:45 AM
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey Parrot.
"What about his one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch flowery."
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad-minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she
buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un-fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes", complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new
pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave comes home.
"Un-fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.......how ya doin' Dave?"
Silence..........
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posted on September 10th, 2007 at 10:45 AM
Lonely Brain Cell ..
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
" Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............
"We're down here."
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posted on September 12th, 2007 at 06:01 PM
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheila O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot
attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"
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posted on September 12th, 2007 at 06:04 PM
Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a
very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the
win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself
so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and
playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego
bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations
at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"
Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"
"What? Why not?" asked Dave.
"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"
"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and swore madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."
"You b*****d!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b*****! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"
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posted on September 18th, 2007 at 03:04 PM
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
> revenge than to let him
> keep her. - > Sacha Guitry
>
> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of
> a coin; they just
> can't face each other, but still they stay together.
>
> Hemant Joshi
>
> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
> be happy. If you get
> a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
>
> Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us
> from achieving them.
> Dumas
>
> The great question... which I have not been able to
> answer... is, "What
> does a woman want?
> Sigmund Freud
>
> I had some words with my wife, and she had some
> paragraphs with me.
> Anonymous
>
> "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
> take time to go to
> a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
> dinner, soft music
> and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
> Henny Youngman
>
> "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
> two years."
> Sam Kinison
>
> "There's a way of transferring funds that is even
> faster than electronic
> banking. It's called marriage."
> James Holt McGavran
>
> "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one
> left me, and the
> second one didn't."
> Patrick Murray
>
> Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
> 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
> 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
> Nash
>
> The most effective way to remember your wife's
> birthday is to forget it
> once...
> Anonymous
>
> You know what I did before I married? Anything I
> wanted to.
> Henny Youngman
>
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
> met.
> Rodney Dangerfield
>
> A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
> wrong.
> Milton Berle
>
> Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the
> enemy.
> Anonymous
>
> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife
> wanted". Next day he
> received a hundred letters. They all said the same
> thing: "You can have
> mine."
> Anonymous
>
> First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
> Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>
And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house??? 
