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posted on October 3rd, 2007 at 08:31 PM
> >> Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
> >> They bag six.
> >> As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the
> Pilot
> >> says "The plane can only take four of those."
> >> The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot
> Let
> >> us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
> >> Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However,
> even
> >> with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it
> goes
> >> and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
> >> A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
> "Any
> >> idea where we are?"
> >> "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says
> Mick.
> >>
What my garage isn't messy........Well chaos is a form of order isn't it?
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posted on October 3rd, 2007 at 08:33 PM
DISCIPLINING CHILDREN WITHOUT SMACKING
This may come in Handy for some little kids that I know............not mentioning any names.........
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What my garage isn't messy........Well chaos is a form of order isn't it?
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posted on October 3rd, 2007 at 08:34 PM
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGA !" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."
What my garage isn't messy........Well chaos is a form of order isn't it?
buzzbug
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posted on October 28th, 2007 at 02:24 PM
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on an empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"
she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those arseholes at Bunnings ever deliver the fucking Gyprock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on October 29th, 2007 at 02:52 PM
FEELING DEPRESSED?
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Samaritans.
I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if,
I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane....
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
amazeer
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posted on November 1st, 2007 at 08:03 AM
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
And of course the old classic: When the fat lady backed into the fan, it disaster.
amazeer
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posted on November 7th, 2007 at 03:21 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept
looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, When suddenly the
Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's God!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was God himself, sitting alone at a
table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! you!!! Are you God?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am God" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give God over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours God a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
God looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be God?"
God smiles and says, "Yes, I am God."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for God, this the bartender duly does.
As before, God accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're God, or what?"
God nods and says, "Yes, I am God."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for God, this he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, God leaves his seat and approaches the three Men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis
I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
God then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By
jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
God then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers.
"Back off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"
KruizinKombi
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 08:45 AM
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone
at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes, I used to..." sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since."
"Oh, for Heavens sake", says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 08:47 AM
What is Butt Dust?
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must
look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get
married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back
and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,
"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon
I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon...
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous
look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but Dust..." He would have continued
but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 08:52 AM
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
___________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
___________________________________________________
Baby Clothes:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
____________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
____________________________________________________
Dummys:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
____________________________________________________
Nappy Changing:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
____________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
____________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
____________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
____________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-ray s.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
____________________________________________________
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . .
or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 08:55 AM
Best Out of Office Auto Replies
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.
4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
7: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:
8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Jim'.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 08:58 AM
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front,
St. Peter says, 'Lisa! What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:01 AM
NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:07 AM
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, but they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea. 'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in. We haven't got any money!! 'Murphy replied, with a smile 'Don't
worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.'
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:11 AM
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school, with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no
brakes.....
If you give just a small donation of $2, we'll send you a copy of the DVD - its f**king hilarious!!!!.....
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:12 AM
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you're going straight to hell! THE DEVIL MADE ME SEND THIS.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:16 AM
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had
to have a really bad day on the day that you died.The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere
in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! the nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes
that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I
thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day, it was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Kevin Rudd." Mr. Rudd, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what
your day was like when you died." Kevin said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment
where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I
fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable
to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Kevin finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Rudd enter.
A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:18 AM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had
just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice
complimentary from the last shop, she was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her
and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because
it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be
his full time carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd
you buy?'
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:19 AM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kevin Rudd. They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse
them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:25 AM
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she is in the middle of her first run
for President as Senator for New York .... now this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just
found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice in a barely audible whisper, he asks:
"Who's calling?"
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:26 AM
I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work .....
I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, 'I'm NOT f*%#ing happy!'
So I said, 'Which f*#@ing one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started. ...
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:27 AM
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "W hat's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said,
"Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:29 AM
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer...
We'd both still be alive.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:32 AM
Subject: Maybe women read too much into men's moods!!!!
WOMAN'S DIARY
28 July 2007 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what
was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed
distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 28 July
PIES lost.
Gutted.
Had sex though.
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:35 AM
John Howard was jogging in Canberra.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to
follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Mrs Howard decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Mr
Howard realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Mrs Howard would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better
have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive
than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five bucks, you tight bastard?"
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posted on November 15th, 2007 at 09:37 AM
Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should
you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.
Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.
BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE....
You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
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posted on November 16th, 2007 at 11:36 AM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'
OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that'.
'If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.
'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie.'
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 16th, 2007 at 05:42 PM
I was feeling very depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was feeling suicidal and they got all excited and asked me if I could fly a plane.
MOB: 0423890217
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posted on November 21st, 2007 at 09:00 AM
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Kruizin Kol
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posted on November 21st, 2007 at 09:01 AM
THE PENIS STUDY
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that
the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, at a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
