A.k.a.: Col
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posted on November 21st, 2007 at 09:06 AM
A crusty old man walks into a synagogue and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this f@cking congregation."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, goddam it. I said I want to join this f@cking congregation"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the rabbi's study to inform him of her situation.The rabbi agrees that the secretary doesn't have to
listen to such profanity. They both return to her office and the rabbi asks the old man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no goddamn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million in the f@cking lottery and I want to join this f@cking synagogue to get rid
of some of this f@cking money."
"I see," said the rabbi. "And this b!tch is giving you a hard time?"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:17 PM
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies..."I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you,"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
About everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:23 PM
Dear Alcohol
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
Christmas holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2
a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me
during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why, at 3am do you suggest that I eat a taco with chilli sauce along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chilli cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic
eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be
in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever).
The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions.
And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:25 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:28 PM
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?*
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.*
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?*
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time....'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:30 PM
These are clearly called "Brave Man" Jokes coz the guy who wrote them had to be BRAVE to actually write them!!! Either that or he is an eternal
bachelor .... OR GAY!!!! Or, ALL 3!!! lol ... One thing's for sure, he's clearly NOT married or in a relationship, coz if he was you'd be reading
he Obituary at the end of the e-mail!!! lol ... he he he ... Boys, no doubt you'll enjoy these!!
Must confess, some of them even made me laugh a little, lol.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a n1pple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:32 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer'.
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual
predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom
they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that
'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the
female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can dis cuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here: Beer Demo
DON'T SAY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WARNED !!!
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:36 PM
& Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
& Law of the Workshop - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of the Telephone - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
& Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every
time).
& Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.
& Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
& Law of Coffee - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Rugs/Carpets - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness
and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Location - No matter where you go, there you are.
& Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Law of Silence - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Law of Availability - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it (this one is true every time).
& Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an
appointment and you'll stay sick.
& Assembly Law - Identical parts, aren't.
& Cole's Law - Thinly sliced cabbage.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 17th, 2007 at 08:39 PM
Self Examination
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Fuuuuucking homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your
ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are an arse thrashing Gaylord. A straight man only
sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep…. homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you are a mincer. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've
put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be
handing out free arse passes. They don't have enough memory to remember all of that crap. A real man only has enough memory to remember types of
beer, engine capacities, their favourite sports teams players, and the names of porn stars. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are fond of a bit of bum bum fun.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer
8. If you have a girls name, or a name that could be mistaken for a girls name, like Kelly, Pat, Kym, or Terry, then you probably like to play the
pink piccolo
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on December 19th, 2007 at 09:10 AM
Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Chirac!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This
is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Mayo, Ireland. I am ringing you to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you and your
country.'
'Well, Paddy,' Chirac replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!'
Chirac paused, 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army, waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again, 'Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' !
'And what equipment would that be, Paddy?' Chirac asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Chirac sighs, amused, 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy, 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Chirac, the war's still on! We've managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us, as well!'
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Wow!' says Paddy, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac, I'm sorry to inform you that we've had to call off the war.'
'Really? I'm sorry to hear that,' says Chirac. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there's no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners'!
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on December 19th, 2007 at 09:13 AM
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked about using one
of the pills.
The son said' I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive'.
'How much?' asked Grandpa.
$ 10.00 a pill,' answered the son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa,'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.'
'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma'
Kruizin Kol
Joel
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Now containing 100% E-Wang
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Member Is Offline
>> LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
> >> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
> >> they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.>>
> >>
> >> Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
> >> travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to>>
> >> Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.>>
> >>
> >> The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
> >> computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.>
> >>
> >> However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
> >> without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
> >>
> >> Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston ... A widow had just returned home from
> >> her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory
> >> after suffering a heart attack.
> >>
> >> The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives
> >> and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
> >>
> >> The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
> >> then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
> >>
> >& gt; To: My Loving Wife
> >>
> >> Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
> >>
> >> Subject: I have Arrived!
> >>
> >> Dearest Love:
> >>
> >> I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
> >> and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones.
> >>
> >> I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
> >> been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you
> >> then.
> >>
> >> Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
> >>
> >> PS .. Sure is freaking hot down here
Joel
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Now containing 100% E-Wang
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, " how
do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 10:24 AM
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every
minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in
his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?', he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your
leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?', asked the young man.
'Sure will,' said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!', said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?', asked the younger man.
'You bet it will', said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!', said the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?', asked the young man.
'No', said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as
much.'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 10:25 AM
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the
first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search
continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and
according to union rules, she's next.'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 10:30 AM
After Sydney not wanting to offend other cultures by putting up Xmas lights.
After hearing that the State of South Australia changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face
covered.
This prompted this editorial written by an Australian citizen. Published in an Australian newspaper.
Quote:
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It !
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have
experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.
However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our
patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to
Australia.
However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.
This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have
our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.
This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our
society, learn the language!
"In God We Trust" is our National Motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and
women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.
If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from.
This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you
take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,
"THE RIGHT TO LEAVE"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 10:32 AM
For those who are stressed and need a break away from the day to day hustle and bustle; how about a beach holiday in China ???
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Kruizin Kol
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 10:53 AM
One rainy night in Melbourne, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Punt Road", answered the woman.
"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 10:55 AM
SEVEN KINDS OF SEX:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you & your partner usually have sex only in the
bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But it's not enough to live on
Kruizin Kol
amazeer
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 12:41 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by KruizinKombi
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It !
How lucky we are that the Australians didnt say that in 1770.
modulus
A.k.a.: Peter Hill
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posted on January 15th, 2008 at 04:11 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by KruizinKombi
This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have
our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.
... and our own queen, who was originally from the German line, but married a guy from the Greek side of things...
Quote:
"In God We Trust" is our National Motto.
I must have been out of the room when that happened.
Quote:
This is not some Christian,[...] slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, [...]
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on January 17th, 2008 at 04:30 PM
Yeah sorry guys, I didn't write it, and had second thoughts about posting it, because I knew it would offend somebody if they took it seriously and
wanted to get on their soap box, but since when did we ever take any of these things seriously?
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real
pains in the ass are permanent.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!
Kruizin Kol
donn
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posted on January 19th, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital. .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients.
I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said,
"What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . "
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues
this improvement,
Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said,
"From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend !"
"Neither!
I AM Sarah Finkel in 302!
Nobody here tells me a fuckin thing !
I dream of a day when a chicken can cross a road without being asked for it's motive!
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:16 PM
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during
sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in
the forehead.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:18 PM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the
time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, 'I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?'
The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark.'
The instructor went on to say, 'I gave you the extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe.'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:19 PM
Two Aboriginals are riding along Oxley Road in the Kimberley on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to
see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in his truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will
take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to
leave.
'Hey mate?' they say 'C?mon? gissa pucken lift brudda ? jus? up dat road a phew K?s eh?'.
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Aboriginal asks the driver if he?ll take them if they can actually manage to fit themselves into the back and he finally agrees. They manage to
squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really
late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies "Aboriginal Eggs". The
policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio
and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a truck here carrying 20,000 Aboriginal Eggs - 2 have hatched
and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already!!!"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:21 PM
Irish Maths Test
An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to draw three trees.
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Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:23 PM
'What's this?' the boss asked.
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' said the Irishman.
'Fair enough,' said the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'
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