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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:24 PM
The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100.'
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.
One hundred.'
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:26 PM
The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'
'So, when do I start?'
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:31 PM
Corey the wanker
.
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:41 PM
.
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:44 PM
Guess who's partying in Narre Warren....
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:47 PM
And it gets better!! (or worse...)
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:52 PM
A old lady goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are
always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they
didn't smell and are silent'.
The doctor says 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back, 'Doctor,' she says, 'I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink
terribly.
''Good', the doctor said. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing'.
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 02:56 PM
Queensland Country Petrol Station
A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled
in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free
sex.
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him
the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won twice last week."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on January 27th, 2008 at 03:01 PM
I Owe My Mother So Much...........
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11 My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
Kruizin Kol
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Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where
millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Arse Tomorrow" .
Kruizin Kol
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posted on January 29th, 2008 at 10:22 AM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift ?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
San Diego Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you
$100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diegowhen suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands With the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here ?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over-- so now we're going to SeaWorld.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on January 29th, 2008 at 10:23 AM
TAKE IT OFF
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good
in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week!!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:33 AM
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at
the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:38 AM
A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that"*
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:41 AM
An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their wedding night.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He told the clerk that it was their honeymoon, and that they wanted a very nice room.
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"
The Amish fellow thought about it a minute, and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:42 AM
TEXAS SEX
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy. 'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your
hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:45 AM
6 truths of life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. all idiots, after reading the first truth try it
3. The first truth is a lie
4. you're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. you soon will forward this to another idiot
6. there's still a stupid smile on your face
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:46 AM
Q: How many women in MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that
the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able
to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of
God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!
I'm sorry. What was the question?
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:51 AM
1. You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert
Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.
2. You know that Burger King doesn't exist. It's Hungry Jacks.
3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it's even fake.
4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger
5. You know that "stubbies" are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan" or "geezer" is a random idiot, someone in trouble
is in "strife" and you're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.
4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko,
speedo, righto etc.
5. You know that some ppl pronounce "Australia" like "Strayla" and that's ok.
6. You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere... no matter where you actually are.
7. You know that while we call our friends 'mates', we don't use terms like 'shiela' and 'shrimp on the barbie', contrary to popular belief.
8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer because it tastes like sh*t. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
9. You know that if a man has s*x with another man, he's a homos*xual, and (until recently), a criminal in Tasmania
10. You resent people who succeed over others- everyone should do the same thing, so we all get a "fair go"; a kind of 'American-dream' in
reverse. This is why we actively like not liking Americans.
11. You've seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriel's Wedding, The Castle, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and
maybe even Wolf Creek.
12. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian... Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russle Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle
MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, ACDC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe...
13. One word: Skippy.
14. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just f'ing rock.
15. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases (remote Aboriginal communities are a different matter)
16. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you don't count 1788).
17. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and farenheit will ever offer
18. You drive on the left-hand side of the road.
19. If you're a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. 'Hit and runs' just aren't
cricket. Because aussies stick together.
20. You think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as
racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy.
21. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent, and for some bizzare reason, think
that they invented pavlova. Bastards. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting
rivalry between our two nations.
22. You know that you can't eat Fantales alone... Otherwise who will you play the 'Who am I...' game with when you're reading the wrapper?
23. You know that Sydney should be the capital because Canberra is a hole.
24. You know that Americans think we're all Steve Irwin clones. And crickey, they couldn't be more wrong.
25. You know that Lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.
26. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
27. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread... and actually grow to like it. You've also squeeze
Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
28. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good ol' Johnny Howard
29. You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay isn't).
30. You have the ability to compress several words into one - ie 'g'day' and 'd'reckn?'. This allows more space for profanities.
31. You've ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bl**dy' in front of it when you REALLY
mean it.
32. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
33. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.
34. You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
35. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can't imagine your childhood without it.
36. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still don't know what "girt" means. And you're ok with that.
37. You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a tim tam.
38. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the 'one bounce, one hand' rule always applies.
39. You know that we are home to the just about all of the world's deadliest of animals. That's why if anybody messes with us we'll get some funnel
webs on their ass*s.
40. You see people walking bare-foot on the sidewalk and don't scorn.... because you're doing it too.
41. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.
42. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.
43. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, "she'll be right, mate".
44. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of goon... but you can't remember.
45. You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
46. You've ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL
47. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.
48. You know how to slip, slop, slap like it's nobody's business.
49. You've heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as 'un-Australian', and that's enough to make us sit down and
shut up.
50. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alchohol. God bless the queen and her 4-day birthday.
And right now you feel bl**dy awesome!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:53 AM
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" Says the son
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree??" says the daughter.
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 10:55 AM
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 11:12 AM
You know you're from the Latrobe Valley when:
You can tell the difference between the smell of dog crap and a paper mill.
Salt and pepper shakers remind you of home.
You know at least 3 people who work at at one of the power stations.
The definition of a good Friday night consists of pizza, a box of paddle pops and the Kay Street roundabout.
Growing up, you had all the free batteries, stationary, torches, raincoats, and random stuff you could ever need because your dad worked at the SEC.
You owned a pair of Adidas snap pants purchased at Karls Mega Sports in the late 90s.
The annual power station/industry Christmas party was a hot ticket.
All the wafer-thin local paper's articles are entirely written by the same third-year journalism student at Monash Gippsland.
Maccas carpark isn't next to destination, it's a destination itself.
Each of the towns spend all of their energy squabbling amongst themselves.
Every Valleyite who isn't from Traralgon, bitches about it [but secretly wishes they lived there too].
Every single person aged between 15 and 30 has owned at least one pair of Rip Curl trackie pants.
The epitome of driving style is a HSV clubsport in a controversial colour (preferably on salary sacrifice from the power station) and European cars
are viewed with suspicion.
You refer to Melbourne (or other) as 'home' or 'the big smoke' and the Valley as 'home home' or 'the sticks'.
Everyone you meet is thoroughly convinced that the government is to blame for every shortcoming in their lives.
You see tractors driving on the highway.
You can't sleep sometimes cause of the sound of the power station letting off steam is too loud.
You've wagged school and the only place to go was Mid Valley!
Your (underage) Friday night consists of: staking out bottle shops for someone over 18 to buy you alcohol, drinking at the Maccas car park or
somewhere on the move as the cops are driving around the streets, then going into Angels/Inferno underage rages covered with deodorant to 'mask the
alcohol smell'.
A night out anywhere begs the question: What's a guestlist?!
The bushfires make everything smell NICER.
You have your regular hangout/ dancing spot in Saloon/Inferno. And you pretty much know every person there.
You here people from Moe or Morwell arguing about whose town is better... when they're both pretty much the same.
You're sure to make it a point that you're from Newborough, not Moe.
You feel like you're trapped in an ultra bad episode of Kath and Kim. I once heard a conversation outside "Stockland" (says it all) with these
women discussing how 'Chadstone', was the biggest shopping centre in the 'atmosphere'.
You walk past someone in an aisle of Safeway and they are wearing exactly the same flanny you just walked past hanging up on display.
You believe that people from Morwell and Moe die and go to heaven so think they've gone to Traralgon.
You go to Cargo for a 'classy' night out; if you want to get pissed of ya tits you go to the Saloon/Inferno; if you want to root fifteen guys before
you even get in you go to Ryan's; and if you want your face punched in you head to Moe and go to the Tav'!
You argue with a fellow 'citizen' over whether Traralgon or Morwell is better. Hello, it's the Valley.
You and your friends have gone on 2am road trips to THAT cemetery in the Haunted Hills.
You think that just because Traralgon now has Nandos and Gloria Jeans that it is now "cosmopolitan" and so far ahead of Morwell or Moe.
You still remember how the "Guess who's been to Mid Valley" song went.
There's a a new store open up at MidValley and every man and his dog is either lining up for a job or has been waiting out the front of the store
since 6am that morning for it to open. (Can I please take everyone back to when Big W opened up?)
The only places to take your kids to on the weekend are: " Morwell ten pin bowling!", "The cinemas!", "MacDonalds!" or "Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Oh! the
plaster fun house!" (Is that place still even there?)
You look out your window at 1:30 in the morning and instead of stars, all you can see in the sky is thick brown clouds of smoke.
You go down the street and see a drugged out mother with dirty face bubbas tagging behind her, screaming abuse at some other derro so everyone within
hearing distance knows what the fights about.
You think it's impressive that the Plaza has an escalator.
You can always name at least 1 person who is in the baby section of the Express.
You spend half your day on the highway between Morwell and Churchill because some dickhead is doing 60 and there is noway to overtake.
You 'browse' shops like Cactus Black or Karls Mega Sports but you go 'shopping' at Chaddy.
You can't wait to check out the new Red Rooster, just the same as you were hanging out to go to the new KFC for the first time last year.
You absolutely, positively, under no circumstances support Morwell attempting to move in on the Saturday night entertainment market.
Every time someone asks you the time you think of Mid Valley Mark.
You have moved to Melbourne / Gold Coast / London, or you're planning to.
You still refer to Channel Ten as "Channel 8".
Your idea of going to a ski resort is tobogganing down Mt. St. Gwinear on a plastic garbage bag (or maybe a boogie-board if you're a rich
Traralgonite).
You go to Maccas on McHappy day and the people serving you are the police and local scouts.
To go the "quick" way from Morwell to Traralgon, by taking the 'Highway' still means changing speed-limit about 20 times.
People have a quick chuckle when you tell them where your from, only to find out they come from a shithole like Lang Lang!
To describe where you live to someone who doesn't know the area, you say only two words "Jaidyn Leskie" and they go "Ohhhh, yeahhhh."
You go to find a postcard of your hometown and find one with "Hello from Morwell" on it and a picture of Melbourne on it. Niceness by association.
In the '80s, you remember Mid Valley having that weird sunken-in bit in the middle and picking at cigarette butts stuck in the cracks of those ugly
orangey brown tiles inside. People could still smoke indoors!
And a quick joke:
Q. What's the definition of confusion?
A. Fathers day in Moe.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on February 1st, 2008 at 12:14 PM
You gotta love Robin Williams......Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'
1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo,
Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines They don't want
us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be
gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more
cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will
require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go
somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,
cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if
anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make
a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is
ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,
'you want a piece of me?' '
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in Arabic....
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Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 03:53 PM
Handy Hints:
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first
place..
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and
ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate
your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it
may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other
in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
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posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 03:54 PM
ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
the f*ck alone.
2. it’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a car payment.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their
shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it may have been well worth it.
10. Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.
11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine' asked the solicitor?
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what would you say?'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 03:57 PM
Children Writing About The Sea:
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under
the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again
because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
Kruizin Kol
Joel
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From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He
was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.
The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be faulty`
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:18 PM
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone . . .
Its Called ....... therapy.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
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posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:20 PM
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the F@ck Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so
you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of
the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the F@ck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT
much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and
peace to this crazy world.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
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posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:21 PM
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'
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