A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:25 PM
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have…
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Happy Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend..
I just did .
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:28 PM
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told
her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I
am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:31 PM
.
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:36 PM
AUSSIE MANLAWS
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless model and only
when it's free. (Are you reading this English boys??)
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports' watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
I hope this clears up any confusion.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:41 PM
Women as explained by Engineers...
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:42 PM
Women as espained by Engineers... (cont'd)
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 24th, 2008 at 06:44 PM
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the
smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 25th, 2008 at 06:33 PM
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,
let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on February 25th, 2008 at 06:36 PM
Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total' says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' POOOOFF! With The blink of the
Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or
Australians can come into our precious state.' POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie engineer says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water'.........
Kruizin Kol
bugeyedbabe
Wolfsburg Elder
Wheres her VW heart on her sleeve
Posts: 3945
Threads: 64
Registered: January 8th, 2005
Member Is Offline
Location: Bicheno, TASSIE!
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: In love with a SMURF
posted on February 26th, 2008 at 06:18 AM
A Rabbi, A Hindu and a Lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse.
When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The
three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a
pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"The lawyer, anxious to get to
sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
dubless. And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house???
bugeyedbabe
Wolfsburg Elder
Wheres her VW heart on her sleeve
Posts: 3945
Threads: 64
Registered: January 8th, 2005
Member Is Offline
Location: Bicheno, TASSIE!
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: In love with a SMURF
posted on February 26th, 2008 at 06:20 AM
An Offering From the Bottom of My….
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
dubless. And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house???
bugeyedbabe
Wolfsburg Elder
Wheres her VW heart on her sleeve
Posts: 3945
Threads: 64
Registered: January 8th, 2005
Member Is Offline
Location: Bicheno, TASSIE!
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: In love with a SMURF
posted on February 26th, 2008 at 06:25 AM
Signs You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous...
-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
dubless. And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house???
Joel
Scirocco Rare
Now containing 100% E-Wang
Posts: 9368
Threads: 211
Registered: February 14th, 2006
Member Is Offline
i had to edit this one so i could put it here and not BA but u get the idea
> >>Top 10 F**Ks of all time
> >>
> >>1. "Where the f**k is all the water comming from ??"
> >>-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
> >>
> >>2. "What the f**k was that?"
> >>-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
> >>
> >>3. "Where did all those f**king Indians come from?"
> >>-- Custer, 1877
> >>
> >>4. "Any f**king idiot could understand that."
> >>-- Einstein, 1938
> >>
> >>5. "How the f**k did you work that out?"
> >>-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
> >>
> >>6. "You want what on the f**king ceiling?"
> >>-- Michelangelo, 1566
> >>
> >>7. "Where the f**k are we?"
> >>-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
> >>
> >>8. "Scattered f**king showers, my ass!"
> >>-- Noah, 4314 BC
> >>
> >>9. "Aw c'mon. Who the f**k is going to find out?"
> >>-- Bill Clinton, 1998
> >>
> >>10."Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f**king mad."
> >>-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
> >>
modulus
A.k.a.: Peter Hill
Veteran Volks Folk
Posts: 2009
Threads: 76
Registered: July 1st, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Melbourne
Theme: UltimaBB Pro White
Mood: modular
posted on March 10th, 2008 at 03:15 PM
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 09:47 AM
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's
five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough', adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the
first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she
take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mother got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque
at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those arseholes at Bunnings ever deliver the f *ckin' gyprock!.'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 09:48 AM
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR AND EVERY
YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, 'ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER.'
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, ' I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.'
A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS SAID,
'ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD, IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT
NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE.' ESTHER REPLIED, 'MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER RIDE
IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.'
THE PILOT HEARD THE COUPLE TALKING AND SAID, 'FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A
DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE, IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU; BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS.' MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED --- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS. BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE
DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, 'BY GOLLY, I DID
EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I AM
IMPRESSED!'. MORRIS REPLIED, 'WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 09:49 AM
Vet School
First-year students at Auburn University Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of
the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking
on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger." Now learn to pay attention. "Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 09:51 AM
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said the chemist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man . 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 09:52 AM
Heard this one before but it's still pretty funny.....
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the
Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'
'Oh' replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): 'What
about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.
'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi...' he went on '...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they
send us a complete prick'.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:01 AM
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow
on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too
tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:02 AM
The Perfect Password:
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a
password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So....when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife that he was keying in....
P...
E.
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:11 AM
Beware
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand,
and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any
means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase
one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your
life.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:12 AM
Quote of the week (which I'm ashamed to say, is also true for me.....)
I have a great sex life. I just wish I had someone to share it with.........
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 AM
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really root, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:18 AM
I never could read sheet music; Till now!
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:22 AM
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks
the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth
every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it
because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new
car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He
decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all
those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:24 AM
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this
he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:29 AM
Guide to Zen:
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:31 AM
CHINESE PROVERBS - Velly good !
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tyred.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch arse should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Woman who fly upside down in plane, bound to have crack up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 10 or more people and nothing will happen.
But 10 people will be laughing at these Proverbs!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:33 AM
Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP; Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man; Dum Fuk
Small Horse; Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house??? 
