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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:36 AM
This is funnier if read out aloud..
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told."Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease.
Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:40 AM
Another of Einsteins Theories:
Albert Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today. Few people know that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after the end of his first marriage in 1919.
At the time, he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if youre attracted to women with large boobs,
the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.This came to be known as...
Einsteins Theory of Relative Titty
Oh, quit groaning! I dont write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:42 AM
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least
someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do
you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and
I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it’s such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll
be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:44 AM
A Frankston girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." She says.
"Come again" says the clerk.
"No" she replies, "This time it's mayonnaise."
A Frankston girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
A Frankston girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:46 AM
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of
time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when
you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a
great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f%#k off.
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:48 AM
A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. Bending over to
get a closer look, she accidently passes gas.
Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her little
accident. Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very professional, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely
bracelet? '
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to $h1t when I tell you the price.'
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:50 AM
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Yours Sincerely,
Mr.. P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Mr P Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Yours Sincerely,
Miss. V. Gina
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:53 AM
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants
him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new
Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a
foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while
his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:54 AM
HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROMEMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY:
(I'm still laughing at the last one...)
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had '...a rat in her
privates...' which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was
revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANY ONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around
with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete
then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed
along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they
would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! -----A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around
his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic
fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still laughing!!!!
Friendship is like peeing your pants....... Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth.............
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:56 AM
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this
point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet
store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in
and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 10:58 AM
2008 RALPH Calendar
.
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:00 AM
The silent fart....
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart what do
you think I should do?'
He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:02 AM
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman
asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a
drink. He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice.'
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:05 AM
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine
against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest wo man I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge
B e careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol , caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Bill y Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:06 AM
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers: 'Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my
hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You've got Male!!
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:08 AM
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 if you
drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:10 AM
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by
millions.
But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky ."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky "statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, inTampa bay , Florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong .
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town , he was playing B aseball with a friend in the back yard. His friend hit the ball, which landed
in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky . As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky .
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
True story!!
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:12 AM
6 TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus, or occasionally pee on yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're bloody special!
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:15 AM
1.
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
2.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
3.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
4.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
5.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
6.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
7.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
8.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
9.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
10.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
11.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
12.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to 'instruction manuals'
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:24 AM
Husband and wife logic:
Husband and wife are shopping in Safeway when the man picks up a dozen VB stubbies and sticks it into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says
The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND IT'S HALF THE F*%KING PRICE'
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 AM
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:29 AM
The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, " You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down
my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late.
His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass
and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!! " and she acts like she's sound asleep!
Works Every Time!!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:31 AM
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, but he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed
the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'
Kruizin Kol
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:33 AM
John asks his Grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny' ?
Grandpa: ' Yes, but only oral ' !
John says, 'what do you mean by oral' !
Grandpa relies: 'I say F*#k you, and she says: 'Yeah, and F*#k you too !'
________________________________________________________
A man is dying of cancer.
His son asks: 'Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??'.
Answer: 'So that when I die, no one will dare to screw your mother.'
_________________________________________________________
'I am your Doctor, and I am
sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'
________________________________________________________
YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAYS NEWS: Hundreds of nuns, seen jogging in the park.
_________________________________________________________
A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table'
The man climbs into bed slowly and says:
'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'
_________________________________________________________
Question: 'what's common between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Osama Bin Laden?
'BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND'
Kruizin Kol
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:38 AM
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who
is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at
the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Always check your child's homework...
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Kruizin Kol
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 AM
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York on Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son asks.
The father says." We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 11:47 AM
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£124,237.64 pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as
well go fishing."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on May 3rd, 2008 at 12:10 PM
An Asian woman goes into a bank in Perth and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo my money, today I only get a hunat
eighty?"
The teller says very slowly, "Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you Ozzies too!"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on May 11th, 2008 at 02:06 PM
Lost in translation
The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the
Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a
sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too
many people had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin’ good" came out as "eat
your fingers off"
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means,
"Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally.
The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded
roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax
tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000
Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn’t go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male
genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they
found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside since most people can’t read.
