| [ Total Views: 197700 | Total Replies: 1223 | Thread Id: 24728 ] |
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 amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 15th, 2003 at 06:44 PM |
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| Quote: | Originally
posted by KruizinKombi
This one is from Jenz58:
To the engineer in all of us.
Subject: Qantas Mechanics
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Gee Kol thats a good one. havent heard that before! :P
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 15th, 2003 at 06:59 PM |
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Heres another one that you can repeat in 6 posts  Tis a bit rude but got
sent to me through a long chain of female addresses so...
If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg.
you only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up, your life aint that bad.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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| posted on September 15th, 2003 at 06:59 PM |
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Hmmm, I get too many of these things to figure out which one I've done before...
Kruizin Kol
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
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| posted on September 15th, 2003 at 07:35 PM |
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Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
`
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in
Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore,
Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another" --George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
`
""Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
`
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
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| posted on September 16th, 2003 at 04:07 PM |
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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 16th, 2003 at 06:49 PM |
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That is assuming that you are already an established reader and have the cognitive ability to cope with the Close Technique. 
Kruizin Kol
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 16th, 2003 at 11:54 PM |
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I can read that. But I've been reading birchallspeak for a couple of years now.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 18th, 2003 at 08:35 AM |
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Another one from Thook (One day she'll start posting them here instead of filling up my inbox!!):
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know
when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card
today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Kruizin Kol
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 18th, 2003 at 10:23 AM |
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THE PERKS OF BEING OLD
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not
amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write Post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do
both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN...... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
(Amen!)
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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Midlife crisis
Veteran Volks Folk
Nartispuddlejumper, Bureau of Toxicity
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| posted on September 18th, 2003 at 11:32 AM |
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joke
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If you can't laugh at yourself you can't laugh at anyone else! Because life is to short not to LAUGH
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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| posted on September 18th, 2003 at 07:45 PM |
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LOL!!! 
I've seen it before, but it's still funny!!!:thumb
Kruizin Kol
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 21st, 2003 at 03:09 PM |
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar
that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical
instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man,
calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing
better than Jimmy Hendrix.The guitar owner pays up the £50.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet.
This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The
trumpet-owner coughs up the £50. Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some
bagpipes on the table.
The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs
Off with a confused look.
Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 21st, 2003 at 03:13 PM |
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THINGS TO DO AT KMART (or similiar) WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay-away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose or scratch yourself.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling knives in the kitchen department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on September 21st, 2003 at 11:09 PM |
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hey those r good. i'm gunna use those ones for sure
zac
MOB: 0423890217
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Boozer
Custom Title Time!
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| posted on September 22nd, 2003 at 03:33 PM |
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very funny.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on September 24th, 2003 at 08:23 PM |
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> As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
> the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
>
> Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
> Judith
> Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination".
>
> Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
> right? Is the captain a woman?"
>
> When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
> understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
>
> "Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."
>
> "My God," said Joe. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
> know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
>
> "That's another thing sir," said the attendant. "We no longer call it
> the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
>
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Boozer
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| posted on September 24th, 2003 at 08:26 PM |
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THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on September 24th, 2003 at 08:33 PM |
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I found nemo!!!
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MOB: 0423890217
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on September 24th, 2003 at 09:14 PM |
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What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am good in
bed. Come home with me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's good in bed. You
should go home with him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm good in bed. Come over to my
place." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your
tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the
way, I'm good in bed. Wanna come home with me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"Take me home..I know you're good in bed..." ...That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm good in
bed. Let's go...!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's
Customer Feedback
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Thook
Casual Dubber
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 12:41 PM |
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I get heaps of emails daily.....but being the non forum god like the rest of you, I have no idea how to post them on here....maybe I'll get
Graham to show me one day....but till then .....I'll keep sending them to you Col...:kiss
<a href="http://www.klubvw.aunz.org/">
<img border="0" src="http://home.iprimus.com.au/noh20/KlubVW%20Bay-side%20Flyersmall.jpg" width="115"
height="54"></a> |
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 01:38 PM |
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Brian wanted to buy a Volkswagen. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful ’60 Ghia with a for sale sign on it.
The car seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 40 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it,
and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 40 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the car is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the
chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Brian a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the car there. But just before they enter the house she stops
him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person
who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Brian is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In
the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and,
sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Brian decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girl. No one says a word. So he reaches over
and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right
there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no
one says a word.
He looks at her mum. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with
her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfiend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Brian remembers his car, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:
"Alright, enough already, I'll do the dishes!"
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:04 PM |
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I get some funny emails, but so does my wife. Here's some of the pics that were in a recent one....
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Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
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Location: Gippsland, Victoria
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:05 PM |
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.
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Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:06 PM |
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Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:07 PM |
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Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:09 PM |
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Interesting place, I bet...
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Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:14 PM |
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Virus Alert
Another email from Thooky....
* CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
* VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
* LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
* RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
* MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
* OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
* DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
* ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
* TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down.
* DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
* PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
* ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be back.
* LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:15 PM |
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Thooky again....
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And another pic....
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Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:18 PM |
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Kruizin Kol
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
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| posted on September 25th, 2003 at 05:21 PM |
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A pic from Thook:
Kruizin Kol
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