A.k.a.: Col
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posted on May 11th, 2008 at 02:08 PM
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through
the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you,
young lady, what do you want?" the Genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the
same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex,
the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How
old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Kruizin Kol
donn
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posted on May 12th, 2008 at 05:30 PM
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
'Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned
with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner,
'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.'
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned
with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks,
'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood' the sinner replies
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.
'The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,
'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, ............ ......... ......... .
'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'
I dream of a day when a chicken can cross a road without being asked for it's motive!
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on May 12th, 2008 at 08:55 PM
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP..........
BUMP..........
BUMP..........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP..........
BUMP..........
BUMP..........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was
a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP..........
BUMP..........
BUMP..........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP..........BUMP..........
BUMP..........BUMP..........
BUMP..........BUMP..........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP..........BUMP..........BUMP..........
BUMP..........BUMP..........BUMP..........
BUMP..........BUMP..........BUMP..........
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his
comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
HOP..........
HOP..........
HOP..........
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew
off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young, terrified lad.
He grabbed for his cough mixture , spun around, and threw it
and and and
The coffin stopped
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on May 12th, 2008 at 08:56 PM
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that
same year.
Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting.
Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her!
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions
while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was damn lucky!
Error
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Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on May 12th, 2008 at 08:58 PM
An Australian ventriloquist is visiting New Zealand and walks into a small village. He sees a local sitting on his verandah patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, 'G'day Mate.
Mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this man your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and sometimes takes me to the park to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the weather.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar.'
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on May 12th, 2008 at 09:01 PM
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes & lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Kruizin Kol
amazeer
A.k.a.: Surly Duff
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posted on August 6th, 2008 at 05:11 PM
A MUST READ!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to
be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give tmyself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw
a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
amazeer
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posted on August 18th, 2008 at 07:32 PM
LIE DETECTOR!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.One day
John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that
afternoon when Tommy,Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been?Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the
table and slapped Tommy,Knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son,' said John,'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were
after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.'
answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,Knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got
up,Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.'When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to JohnAnd delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in
laughter, almost in tears and said,'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!You can't be too mad with Tommy.After all, he is your son!' With that the
robot immediately walked around to Marsha
And knocked her out of her chair.
bugeyedbabe
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posted on November 7th, 2008 at 05:15 PM
**************************
Something to make both of the sexes giggle/laugh!
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - she gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
*********************************
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL a**' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'h*rny' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging o ut of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'
dubless. And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house???
amazeer
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posted on December 23rd, 2008 at 07:25 PM
And then the fight started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
modulus
A.k.a.: Peter Hill
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posted on May 11th, 2009 at 03:32 PM
Did you hear about the cock who got a red card? Did too many fowls.
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posted on May 12th, 2009 at 02:34 PM
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Meaty-Bites dog chow for Barkley the Wonder dog at Woolies and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked
if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
and that I was starting the Meaty-Bite Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost
30 Kilogrames before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty-Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry, and since the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
a*** and a car hit us both.
volumex
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posted on May 12th, 2009 at 02:37 PM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Matt Ryan
A.k.a.: Matt Ryan
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posted on May 12th, 2009 at 09:23 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by Matt Ryan
Quote:
Originally
posted by modulus
Did you hear about the cock who got a red card? Did too many fowls.
After being dead for nearly 6 months you have to go and resurrect this thread with a dad joke???
Have a look at this: (WARNING, right at the end....is rated M 15+)
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posted on May 12th, 2009 at 09:51 PM
Nurses aren't suppose to laugh
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Gary said and proceeded
to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her
composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.
Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Gary replied.
Things went downhill from there.
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
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posted on May 13th, 2009 at 11:21 PM
Wine Flu
I had a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could
be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition
is very serious—and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine
Flu.
To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should
your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven tohelp combat this unusual type of flu].
Others are reporting a McDonald’s Happy Meal can also help in some cases.
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be irradiated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of
the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
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posted on June 9th, 2009 at 01:02 PM
A little rash - Swine Flu?
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.
Another is that you get the trotts.
But, I woke up with pig tails this morning...Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.
News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the
aporkalypse.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.
I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it’s a good thing I’m married
then, isn’t it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.
Feeling bored on the bus, train or Underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your
recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...
volumex
Officially Full-On Dubber
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posted on June 24th, 2009 at 11:47 PM
Dont know if this is a repost. Found it on another forum.
These are genuine clips from English council complaint letters - so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction..
23 This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
trickysimon
A.k.a.: Simon Azzopardi
Custom Title Time!
100km/h is only 9 seconds away
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posted on June 25th, 2009 at 08:11 AM
mengyou
A.k.a.: Mark
Commited Dubber
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posted on June 29th, 2009 at 02:25 PM
This ones a little lame.....
Three gays guys are sitting in a spa chatting. Suddenly one of them spots a slick of sperm floating on the surface. He looks at the other two and says
" Ok who farted "
amazeer
A.k.a.: Surly Duff
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on June 29th, 2009 at 03:53 PM
Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across
the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude
also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
amazeer
A.k.a.: Surly Duff
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on June 30th, 2009 at 10:33 AM
love it.
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Matt Ryan
A.k.a.: Matt Ryan
Fahrvergnugen
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posted on July 11th, 2009 at 09:47 AM
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "Well, shoot, I want to hang out with God!"
So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went over to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read
it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
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posted on July 11th, 2009 at 09:44 PM
Old, but very funny.
donn
Wolfsburg Elder
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posted on July 17th, 2009 at 03:56 PM
A man owned a small farm in Australia .
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets
triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide payed
satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
I dream of a day when a chicken can cross a road without being asked for it's motive!
amazeer
A.k.a.: Surly Duff
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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posted on September 1st, 2009 at 05:47 PM
HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN MEETINGS
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those
long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good
size.
Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will
give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competences
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast trac
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally,
stand up and shout " BULLSH*T!"
And who the helled parked the Mitsubishi "Prancer" under my
house??? 
