| [ Total Views: 197844 | Total Replies: 1223 | Thread Id: 24728 ] |
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 jenz58
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 08:16 AM |
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Hah!!! LOL
I love the old Jewish and Irish jokes:thumb
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Black_math
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 09:42 AM |
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Hehehe irish virus
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DoNkEy
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 05:19 PM |
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jenz58
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 07:39 PM |
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LOL
Why am I laughing???:jesus
Hey we're there to make life interesting for you guys:thumb
Hmm, here, there, where ever
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zac_smits
A.k.a.: Zac
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 07:49 PM |
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yeh jen. isn't it that women are the ones that create the challenges for the guys? like trying to navigate with a woman holding the map |
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pyr0
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flame-on
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 08:46 PM |
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heheheh i tried the navigating one and i just winged it after i noticed shge had the map upside down :P i did tell her it was upside down but
Founding member of the C'town Rat-Pack
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jenz58
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 09:01 PM |
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I can navigate:bounce:bounce
Really and trully:thumb
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DoNkEy
A.k.a.: James
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 11:20 PM |
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didn't want to post all these for fear of being slaughtered..but hey what the heck:P
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DoNkEy
A.k.a.: James
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 11:22 PM |
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just a note.. I have nothing against women..well excpet maybe driving skill...but thats it
//avoids evil glare//
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jenz58
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| posted on October 18th, 2003 at 11:46 PM |
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Hah!!!!!:P
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DoNkEy
A.k.a.: James
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| posted on October 19th, 2003 at 12:13 AM |
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and who would of wondered...
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Oasis
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| posted on October 19th, 2003 at 01:18 AM |
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Haha very good.... Another Irish joke...
Paddy walks up to the barman and says, "What would be the best way to get to Dublin?"
The barmen asks him "Would you be walkin' or drivin'?"
Paddy says, "I'd be drivin."
The barmen says, "THAT would be the best way to get to Dublin..."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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Oasis
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| posted on October 19th, 2003 at 01:33 AM |
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...and for Jenz, some Jewish jokes (all told to me by a jewish mate by the way)
Two jews are driving past a Catholic church and see a sign out the front that says "Convert to catholicism and earn $500." Ben says to
Hymie, "How about you go in and convert while I wait here in the traffic with the car. When you return we'll split the money." Hymie
says, "Sure, thats a great idea. I'll see you soon."
Half an hour later Hymie returns and gets in the car. Ben says, "So, How was it? How do you feel? Did everything work out ok?" Hymie says,
"yes, it was wonderful. I feel like a new man." Ben says, "Did you get the money??" to which Hymie replied, "WHAT IS IT WITH
YOU PEOPLE??"
An old Jewish man is travelling on a train across Europe and asks the gentleman next to him "could I borrow your deodorant? I'm feeling
rather uncomfortable." The man thinks that this can't hurt so he replies "certainly, here you go." A minute later the Jew sees him
combing his hair and says, "Would you mind if I borrowed your comb?" The man thinks to himself 'I suppose it can't hurt' so
he says, "Certainly sir. Here it is.." A few minutes later he starts brushing his teeth, and the Jewish man says, "Would you mind if I
borrowed your tooth brush?" This was taking it a bit too far so he said to the Jew, "I wouldn't feel comfortable lending you my tooth
brush." The Jew muttered under his breath, "Anti-Semite..."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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jenz58
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| posted on October 19th, 2003 at 08:24 AM |
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Kewl, I like the convert one
Harry Potter is clever:thumb
Does anyone else read these and find they're hearing the accent? Hmmm, especially with the Irish one
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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| posted on October 21st, 2003 at 02:14 PM |
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Another one from Thook, who still hasn't worked out how to cut and paste! :P:P:P
Sooo bad makes it almost good
Subject: The Bells
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The
Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several
applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the Armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
below. The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the Bishop sadly replied,
( scroll down )
( scroll down )
" ................ but his face rings a bell"
WAIT! there's more....
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor
armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you'll honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty." The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first
bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second
tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
(. . . Wait for it ...)
(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)
"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Kruizin Kol
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modulus
A.k.a.: Peter Hill
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| posted on October 21st, 2003 at 02:22 PM |
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Bells
LMAO!
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Black_math
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| posted on October 21st, 2003 at 08:46 PM |
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Warren from teh virgin mobiel ad's he has his own site!:thumb
http://www.hotwarren.com.au
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Black_math
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Blaupunkt
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| posted on October 21st, 2003 at 08:49 PM |
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And if you go to warrens diary you can see his dream car pictured here, yey go veedubs
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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| posted on October 23rd, 2003 at 02:59 PM |
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Another one from Thook....
LITTLE TONY ON PHILOSOPHY
A young teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one
is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY. "But that's
right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f*cking difference?" asks
the father. "That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a
piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had a tighter arse, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'
Kruizin Kol
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Oasis
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| posted on October 23rd, 2003 at 04:26 PM |
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An old Jewish woman goes to her Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I've never had an orgasm and I'm 76 years old. Do you have any
suggestions?" The Rabbi says, "As a matter of fact I do. Here's what you do. you hire a young strapping man. You lie down and your
husband lies on top of you, and while he is doing this you ask the young man to stand above the both of you with his shirt off and muscles flexed
slowly waving a towel. See if that works."
The Jewish couple agree to go home give it a try. They find a very handsome young man and take him home. The whole procedure starts and after 45
minutes the Jewish lady says "This is not working... Let's go back to the Rabbi."
"Rabbi!!! We did what you said and NOTHING Happened. Any other suggestions??"
"I have one last suggestion. Your husband and the young man swap positions. You make love to the young man and your husband stands above you and
waves a towel." She says, "I'll give it a try Rabbi, but I don't have much hope."
When they get home she lays down and makes love to the strapping young man while her old husband stands there with his shirt off waving a towel. After
3 minutes she is screaming in ecstacy after having reached her very first orgasm. When the afterglow had started to wear off, the Old jewish man walks
up to the young man and says, "Now THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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Black_math
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Blaupunkt
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| posted on October 23rd, 2003 at 07:29 PM |
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Oxymororns:P
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jenz58
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| posted on October 23rd, 2003 at 08:28 PM |
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TOP OXYMORONS
Happily Married
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works
Just in case you were wondering:thumb
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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| posted on October 23rd, 2003 at 09:58 PM |
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lmao @ "Microsoft Works"
Kruizin Kol
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jenz58
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| posted on October 23rd, 2003 at 10:39 PM |
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It's a joke isn't it!!!!
kol I loved you're last lot from Thook:thumb
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Oasis
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Going alone...
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| posted on October 24th, 2003 at 02:34 PM |
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More Oxymorons:
Fresh Frozen
Light yet filling
Virtually spotless
Military Intelligence
Friendly Fire
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
kombi pilot
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| posted on October 24th, 2003 at 04:01 PM |
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what about LPG, Liquid Petroleum Gas.
At least thats what I think it stands for.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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Oasis
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| posted on October 25th, 2003 at 11:17 PM |
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Not funny, but interesting...
TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.
Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
ANSWERS
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us
in line.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
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| posted on October 26th, 2003 at 02:55 PM |
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You guessed it, another email from Thook:
Subject: Australian justice
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the
smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was
like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said , "The Double Mint
Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I
had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly
contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I
just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!!"
Kruizin Kol
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Black_math
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Blaupunkt
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| posted on October 26th, 2003 at 04:39 PM |
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Hahaha, nice call with teh bus thing, and with hitler he also consulted with astrologists was extremly racist and not very nice person. cause
everybody knows that
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Boozer
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| posted on October 28th, 2003 at 06:12 PM |
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he he...it's funny cause it's not a VW.
http://www.angelfire.com/rebellion/boozer/images/02-april2.jpg |
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