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posted on October 28th, 2003 at 06:43 PM


ahahahaha:D:thumb:thumb



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posted on October 31st, 2003 at 01:14 AM


A policeman in Ireland knocks on Mrs O'Malley's door. When she answers He asks, "Excuse me, are you the wife of Paddy O'Malley ?"
She replies, "Yes I am."
"Well I'm sorry to inform you, but your husband has just died down at the brewery. He drowned in a vat of Guinness."
"Oh my God!!" she said. "Was it a quick death?"
"Oh no Mrs O'Malley, he got out 3 times to pee..."




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posted on October 31st, 2003 at 02:04 AM


:D



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posted on October 31st, 2003 at 11:49 AM


one I heard on TV this morning.

3 men died just before christmas and met up before St Peter at the holy gates.

St Peter asked that they all bring something along in keeping with the spirit of christmas.

The first man pulled out his lighter, sparked it up and waved it around.
"Its a candle." he said.
St Peter opened the gate and he walked in.

err. cant remember what number 2 had.
St Peter opened the gate and let him walk in.

The third man steps up to peter and pulls out some sexy lace knickers.
"whats this?" asked Peter.
The third man replied, "they're carol's"




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posted on October 31st, 2003 at 04:08 PM


Funny signs:

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

------------------------------------------------------

A guy dies and meets St Peter at the gates of heaven. He says to Peter, "I've just died and wouldn't mind going into heaven." Peter says, "Well I can't just let you in. What have you done to deserve entering heaven?" He replies, "Last Tuesday I gave $5 to the Smith Family." St Peter retorts, "What! Is that all you've done? You can't get into Heaven for that."
"Oh Wait... I also gave $5 to Unicef a month ago."
"Come on mate.." says Peter, "That's pathetic."
Wait.... I also gave $5 to the Red Cross yesterday!"
"Is that all?" Peter replied. "Yep, said the man."
St Peter says, "You wait here, and I'll go in and have a word with the boss and see what he says."
5 minutes later Jesus walks out, walks up to the man, puts his hand out and says, "Here's ya fifteen bucks back, now piss off..."




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posted on November 3rd, 2003 at 10:48 AM


http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/dirty_baby.swf 



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posted on November 3rd, 2003 at 04:35 PM


Love the irish beer one!:D
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posted on November 3rd, 2003 at 08:13 PM


Hahahahaha dirty baby:D



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posted on November 3rd, 2003 at 09:58 PM


Like many people, I've heard this one before. It's an oldie, but a goodie, kinda like Birchall :P:D


A young man goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the
job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc&
you get the idea?"

"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast so I told him he was going need a boat so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampax for his wife and I said, "Well, as you're not doin anything this weekend, you might as well go fishing."




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biggrin.gif posted on November 4th, 2003 at 10:24 AM
Hope this Hasn't been on Before


Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank
robbery on March 2.


Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
security system got under way immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash
& valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the
bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one
pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes
contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.


The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...



:puke




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biggrin.gif posted on November 4th, 2003 at 12:06 PM
Another One


It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided
only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the
day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates
and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you
died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife
was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her
with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t
find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live
on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge
by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started
hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the
refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of
the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since
it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

”Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing
aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle
and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy
dropped a refrigerator on me.”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could
really start to enjoy this job.

”Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

”OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....”




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posted on November 7th, 2003 at 10:29 AM
The jokes are getting sicker everyday


A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year, they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NYC and then out West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally, the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each
and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged, but with no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trails of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach, but only found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."




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posted on November 10th, 2003 at 11:15 AM
Another One


Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “For God’s sake, you asshole.. it’s ten past three in the fuckin’ morning!”
:D




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posted on November 13th, 2003 at 04:11 PM


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started!" Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."




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posted on November 13th, 2003 at 04:17 PM


My neighbour is looking for a good home for their dog because his wife said the dog makes her nervous when it stares at her when she is changing. She wants it out of the house. If you or anyone you know might be in the market, let me know. It's seriously an AWESOME dog... a doberman mix.. check out the photo

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posted on November 14th, 2003 at 01:09 AM


There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.












He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.


If you got this wrong...please go dig a hole and hide.




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posted on November 14th, 2003 at 01:18 AM


Two blondes on either side of a river. One yells across, "How do you get to the other side?".
The other blonde yells back, "You ARE on the other side..."




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posted on November 14th, 2003 at 01:24 AM


A blonde gets on a horse and says, giddy-up horsie. The horse starts moving slowly at first and the blonde is squealing with delight. As the horse gradually increases speed the blonde starts to get a little scared, panics and lets go of the reins. The horse increases it's speed a little more and the blonde is now trembling and leans down and grabs the horse around the neck. After a minute she falls around under the horse still holding onto the neck with one stiletto still in the stirrups. She can't hold on much longer and eventually lets go of the horse screaming with one leg still attached to the horse. At this stage the Woolworths manager walks over and unplugs the horse from the powerpoint.



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posted on November 14th, 2003 at 07:39 AM


Hehehe :thumb



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posted on November 14th, 2003 at 01:03 PM
A LETTER FROM AN OREGON FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was
restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m. but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to
mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer
you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their
food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are
long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell
him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at
home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and
Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big
as a chipmunks head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you,
like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They
come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get
to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at
home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan
from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm
only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds
dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your ever-lovin' daughter,

Gail




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posted on November 18th, 2003 at 09:49 AM
GHOST STORY


This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door -- only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the
driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy scared to near death had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps
when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."




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posted on November 18th, 2003 at 09:55 AM
A childs view on childbirth


Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a torchlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."




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posted on November 20th, 2003 at 12:18 AM


Amazer, your signature reminded me of a muso's joke... How does a musician make a million dollars?

A. He starts with 2 million.




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posted on November 20th, 2003 at 05:35 PM


I've often looked at your sig, but I have got no idea at all what it means :D



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posted on November 20th, 2003 at 05:52 PM


http://tlf.cx/dearpenis.swf 

rated M




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posted on November 20th, 2003 at 07:15 PM


Hope this isn't somewhere back in the archives...

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a Lavatory cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping offices) After the test, the manager says: You will be paid $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.

Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: Sure! I would have been a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft!

Morals of the story:
The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

Get e-mail, if you want to be a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft.

If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a lavatory cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.




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posted on November 22nd, 2003 at 12:36 PM
For All you Musos out there...


And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him.
"Noah, awake and heed my words!"
And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band. For the earth will be
visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and
forty nights of Awards Banquets.
And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."
And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader".
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"
And the Lord did smite him, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor".
Ask not why!"
 
And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader
play?"
And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether
he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the
Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off
Tempos wrong, and to enquire as to whether Overtime will happen,
and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any
instrument,thou must always have another player of that instrument on the
band, just to be safe."
And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"
And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and
Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and
to delay all payments.
Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create
Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves, therefore."
And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange
and Mysterious.
What more shall I do?
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section.
First, find me Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer
possess."
And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An
Electronic Kit? Congas?"
And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying, "Second-guess me not, my
servant.
 
First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he
playeth a Fill
(and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place,
sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. And second,
he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will
lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing.
And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things:
including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with
the Bass Player."
And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?"
And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player.
And he shall be Bored. That is all."
And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
 
"Next shall be the Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty
fingers, and he shall play Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may
name the Chord, and he will not be helpful.
Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out
New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."
And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"
 
"Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player.
And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. Also
shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been
damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels.
For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be
making the Big Shekels.
And the Guitarist's tux shall be the Rattiest of all the Band."
And Noah did say, "It shall be done."
 
And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. First shall be the
Saxophones.
And they shall be Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in
every song,
yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break,
and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when 'In The Mood'
is called.
 
Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take
everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know
nothing.
And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made
about him, for he will have a Beeper,as well as a Day Job, and he will be
the first to be Cut from the Band."
And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"
 
"Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach
Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that
their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain.
And their job shall be to wear Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all
Ballads, and to
occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume and the Intonation,
and to impede the Swing."
And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?"
 
And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. And they shall be
Three,
one a Male, and two Females. And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock,
with the Rock 'n' Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo,
and also shall he play The Harmonica.
And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White.
And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco.
And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs.
But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male,
and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form.
And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of
Equipment.
And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why."
And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."
And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not
every musician can fulfillthese requirements. And though we have
No Work yet, a Committment must be secured from All.
And while you're at it, start looking for Deps."
And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."
And it was.
 
 
 
 




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posted on November 22nd, 2003 at 12:45 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by amazer
I've often looked at your sig, but I have got no idea at all what it means :D


It's the double meaning, from the joke: There are two lesbians in a bath. One says, "Where's the soap", and the other replies, "It certainly does..."
i.e. It wears out the soap (not that there's anything wrong with that)




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posted on November 22nd, 2003 at 01:13 PM


oooooooooooh. It still took a long long time for me to get it. Im just too naive and innocent.



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posted on November 24th, 2003 at 10:22 AM


As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.




some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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