Posts: 2869
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Registered: December 29th, 2003
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Location: Tasmainac, Launceston, 7212
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posted on April 1st, 2004 at 07:20 PM
The New Employee Handbook
-THIS IS YOUR NEW EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK:
DRESS CODE
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600.00 Gucci
Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.
>If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
>If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore
you do not need a raise.
SICK DAY
>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If
>you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
>This is no excuse for missing work.There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers.Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements.In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon.We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a
strict three minute time limit in the stalls.At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open and a picture will be taken.After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
>they can look healthy.Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.Fat people get five
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation,
and input should be directed elsewhere.
LMAO
Andy
They laugh because You are different, You laugh because They are all the same.
