| [ Total Views: 443 | Total Replies: 3 | Thread Id: 23768 ] |
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 KOM123
Custom Title Time!
Smiling Assassin
Posts: 1164
Threads: 121
Registered: August 26th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Sydney
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Always cheery!
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| posted on June 2nd, 2004 at 12:46 AM |
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Oil Change Instructions
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000 kms since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
Oil Change $55.00
Coffee $2.50
Total $57.50
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for
$95.00.
2) Stop by Liqourland and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.
9) Give up and use pliers.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheelie bin
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Sunday: Skip mowing lawn and taking kids to footy because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to Liqourland buy b eer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
fuel.
29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug
and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin swearing fit.
34) Throw stupid pliers.
35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August (2002)
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $95.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $60.00.
Total-- $4230.00
But hey! - at least you know the job was done and you know the job was done right!!!
[Edited on 1-6-2004 by KOM123]
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rustybus
Commited Dubber
Posts: 67
Threads: 5
Registered: January 18th, 2004
Member Is Offline
Location: sunny, ballarat
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: cruising
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| posted on June 2nd, 2004 at 06:38 PM |
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gee, a bottle shop that accepts cheques, thats asking for trouble!!!
[Edited on 2-6-2004 by rustybus]
DRINK UP AND BE JOLLY
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lulu94
A.k.a.: Danielle
Wolfsburg Wizard
Posts: 449
Threads: 50
Registered: December 27th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Alice Springs
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: What!! 2 more(hehe i draged ryan over to the dark side)
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| posted on June 2nd, 2004 at 11:50 PM |
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lmfao i love it, especially since ryan is a mechanic and does home jobs slightly like this. well with alot of swearing and throwing of tools.
Danielle :thumb
1968 pearl white beetle:kiss
1600 engine 
soon to be supercharged 
1970 and 72 Squarebacks 70 soon to be rotor powered |
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~air fooled~
Custom Title Time!
two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
Posts: 1429
Threads: 96
Registered: March 11th, 2004
Member Is Offline
Location: QUEENSLANDER!
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: so far..away..
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| posted on June 3rd, 2004 at 04:26 PM |
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drink enough grog and you forget the pain and money. true and tried method................:P |
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Cruzin in a Golf
Wolfsburg Wizard
Posts: 406
Threads: 23
Registered: October 13th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Bendigo, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Crazy!
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| posted on June 3rd, 2004 at 10:38 PM |
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hmmm i think i will let the mechanic do it for me, just not ryan!! But no that was a good laugh, and reminds me of odd jobs that i have done to the
car, i just control that temper and stay away from grog, dont want to get my car impound nor my license lost.
"I choose to Cruze VW Golf Mk1 Style!!!"
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Midlife crisis
Veteran Volks Folk
Nartispuddlejumper, Bureau of Toxicity
Posts: 2282
Threads: 160
Registered: May 17th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Logan city south of Brisbane
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Wornout and Toxic
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| posted on June 4th, 2004 at 11:51 AM |
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very good sounds like me but with out the beer
If you can't laugh at yourself you can't laugh at anyone else! Because life is to short not to LAUGH
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