A.k.a.: Mr indestructible
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posted on November 12th, 2008 at 12:31 PM
tools
Ladies and Gents,
Thought you could all relate to at least half a dozen points.
I know I did,
Regards
Barls
Anyone with a shed will relate to these....
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket
you've been searching for.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper bar.
10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the
name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you are
trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not holding the knife.
25. ANGLE GRINDER: Designed for the purpose of seeing your own living bone as it begins to dry and scab over.
26. CHAINSAW: A machine that checks whether you have enough band aids in the medicine box, and guarantees that you don't.
27. TOOLBOX: A container for every possible tool known to mankind, except the one you are looking for.
27a. CRESCENT/SHIFTER: Tool that replaces the tool required under rule 27, and rounds off anything not previously rounded off.
28. FILE: For filing flats onto all objects that had flat surfaces before being rounded. Laws of physics guarantee that new flat surface is smaller
and weaker than previously rounded flat surface.
29. COLD CHISEL: Tool of last resort, used for trying to turn remainder of protruding round bolt head, usually resulting in bolt head joining the one
redistributed by rule 2.
30. BEER: Solves all problems created by previous 29 rules.
31. the f@#kit tool: a usually expensive tool close to hand that flies across the shed while u scream F@#KIT!! at the top of your lungs... Usually the
next tool you need
A.k.a.: The Smashed Repairer
Insano Dub Head
in the garage...
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posted on November 12th, 2008 at 04:02 PM
Hilarious and so true at times!
My favourites would be 2, 3, 14, 16 (used in setting timing on a type 3), 18 (buy the brightest energy saver bulb you can find - they can handle
knocks and drops!), 27 (happens to me every time!), and 30 (also happens to me every time!!)
.
matt
A.k.a.: Choco
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posted on November 12th, 2008 at 05:21 PM
that is so true
grumble
Son of Jim - Creator of Good
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posted on November 12th, 2008 at 06:12 PM
Not hard to see that you have been in my workshop,just by the bits and pieces found all over the place after being distributed by drill,grinder angle
grinder,cold chisel and the list goes on,fortunately you rarely use the oxy. But No 30 fixes it all.
barls
A.k.a.: Mr indestructible
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posted on November 12th, 2008 at 06:15 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by grumble
Not hard to see that you have been in my workshop,just by the bits and pieces found all over the place after being distributed by drill,grinder angle
grinder,cold chisel and the list goes on,fortunately you rarely use the oxy. But No 30 fixes it all.
hang on i think ive got pics of you doing most of these somewhere so id keep quiet.
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posted on November 12th, 2008 at 08:13 PM
no: 31 is my personal favourite - the F%#@it tool - usually have to collect it from my neighbor's yard
[size=3]IF I'M GOING TO HELL, I'M GOING IN A VW BEETLE[/size]
My Family's Swiss VW Buggy Legacy --------> CLICK
HERE
Menangler
A.k.a.: Dave Becker
Custom Title Time!
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posted on November 12th, 2008 at 08:31 PM
Safety Goggles,
Those things that live on the shelf next to the bench grinder that you put on after being hit very close to the eye with a piece of wire wheel.
FAHRVERGNUGEN;
Description of a pleasurable sensation,
Experienced when a car and it's driver are in mutual harmony, A unique driving experience, Pleasure, Satisfaction,
A feeling experienced by Volkswagen Drivers.
