A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 02:29 PM
Funny Emails
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think... until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal
people.
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on
a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County
Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from
lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit
was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the checkout operator threatened to call the
police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him lying dead in front of the store. Paramedics
removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it
fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who
used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off
his lips,teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said
I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released soon from the Hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone a fraction of an inch to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and
Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10
inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had
Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a
local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy
to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr.
Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr.Pernicky,
there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly
halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and
saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins,
seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly
driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon
moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts
dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
[Edited on 9-9-2003 by KruizinKombi]
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 02:31 PM
Letter Home
Dear Mum
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.
We are okay.
Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down,
that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the bonnet.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.
All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the kids were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink
because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great.
You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now.
We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.
Don't worry about anything we are fine.
Love, Timothy
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 02:38 PM
An Eyeful a day keeps the doctor away
Newspaper Article: by Jonathan Hayter
Staring at women's breasts is good for men's health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.
Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.
A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower
pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.
Dr. Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of
a well endowed female is roughly e1uivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.
"There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.
"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.
"We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 02:41 PM
Cheese Scones
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones
wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here,spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could
almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"F--k off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 02:41 PM
3 Bears
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been
eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen And yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was
Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the
coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and
put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold
early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn
table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter
box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided
to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen
with your grumpy presence, listen good, I'm only going to say this one more
time."
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F--KING PORRIDGE YET !!"
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 02:45 PM
The New Iraq
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Kruizin Kol
baybuscamperkid
Compulsive Aussie Vee Dubber
prince of insufficient light, ruler of heck
Posts: 4316
Threads: 335
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: transported
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 06:34 PM
very good. my favourite Darwin award is the guys who, upon finding an old mine in an old building, decided to shoot at it to see if it was still
live...
Reimagined/Recycled/Upcycled Cool
amazer
Bishop of Volkswagenism
kombi pilot
Posts: 3187
Threads: 308
Registered: August 26th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Wollongong
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Peachy!
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 07:29 PM
My favourite is one from Queensland where 2 guys after walking 20 kms down the road with a jerry can of fuel, one of them sparked up his lighter so
they could see where to pour the fuel in.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
Boozer
Custom Title Time!
Demented But Determined
Posts: 1999
Threads: 129
Registered: December 30th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Redland Bay, Brisbane
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: What the crap?
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 09:16 PM
I like the one where a romainian guy wanted to make fireworks for new years eve and tried to open a sixty year old German stick grenade with a chainsaw to get the explosives out.:o
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
Boozer
Custom Title Time!
Demented But Determined
Posts: 1999
Threads: 129
Registered: December 30th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Redland Bay, Brisbane
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: What the crap?
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 09:22 PM
A friend sent this to me as a warning about firecrackers and if people are holding them and say "Hey watch this!".
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to
the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In
complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum
straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me
from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a
rocket. "However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up
before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to
sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra,
missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing
the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the rows of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people
in the row behind them and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased
logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo,
"Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my
mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should
come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe
of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited
the mouthpiece burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his
shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale,
as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the
trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The morale of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the low brass section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
Boozer
Custom Title Time!
Demented But Determined
Posts: 1999
Threads: 129
Registered: December 30th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Redland Bay, Brisbane
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: What the crap?
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 09:24 PM
By the way I have tons of these stories form all over the net.
This is a transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the USS Missouri, we are a large warship of the US navy. Divert your course NOW.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. :o
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 27th, 2003 at 10:47 PM
LMAO!!! :thumb:thumb:thumb
Kruizin Kol
Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
Posts: 1806
Threads: 77
Registered: July 5th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Cammeray, Sydney
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Deep
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 12:26 AM
You might like these...
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't
forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor
Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20 . Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
Custom Title Time!
Going alone...
Posts: 1806
Threads: 77
Registered: July 5th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Cammeray, Sydney
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Deep
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 12:31 AM
For us lovers of German cars...
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part
of the negotiations, it was conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known
as Euro English (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be
replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing"th" by
"z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing"th" by
"z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
fish
Wolfsburg Wizard
Posts: 584
Threads: 32
Registered: April 3rd, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: sunshine coast qld
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: just cruisin
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 05:28 AM
all pertty funny eh!!! still laughing about the guys in the pick up. duh!!!
Drink and drive your a bloody idiot!!! make it home you'r a legend !!!!
kOMBI KARMA
Officially Full-On Dubber
Posts: 276
Threads: 27
Registered: May 9th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: feral
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 07:32 AM
just one
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Stanley
Compulsive Aussie Vee Dubber
I guess the reward is in the doing of it
Posts: 4523
Threads: 270
Registered: March 13th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Karalee...near Ipswich Qld
Theme: UltimaBB Psyche Grey
Mood: caught a bolt of lightning cursed the day I let it go
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:25 AM
You know you're living in 2003 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more,
except to send you jokes from the net.
15. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9
16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9 (Bet
you all did!?)
buzzbug
A.k.a.: Mr X
Custom Title Time!
Praise the lowered
Posts: 1992
Threads: 182
Registered: March 7th, 2003
Member Is Offline
Location: Sunshine Coast
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: low and slow in nowra NSW.
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 12:57 PM
fbi top 12
FBI TOP 12 DEATHS OF THE YEAR Every year the
FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious
Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts
out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
1 - Alan Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a
20-inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's
strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of
fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alan's anus
until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed
the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road
with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was
hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old
daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner.
Young Samantha. Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should,
and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as
he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed.
Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't
realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the
same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend
he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance
was met with double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends'
father
had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
5-Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his
rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with
a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent .
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the
troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped
out in front f them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop
up fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target.
She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers
stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by brother Michael
because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his
sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times
with the broken aerial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist
Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair
with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted
Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly
radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. A lthough she
suffered many symptoms, including total air loss, skin welts,
blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by
loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).
The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,
forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing.. Several
persons heard the explosion some up to 14 kilometres away. No traces of
the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-meter deep crater, and 500m
of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the
early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for
years had a mounted F4 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would
fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.
Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff 's officers
about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a
notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss
Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What
Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she
walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees,
killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie,
Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend,
Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a
double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side,
God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to
downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was
deceased.
12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian
after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their
parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense
of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck
back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas.
He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry
for fighting, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar,
the house, and himself in the process
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 07:29 PM
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've
been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Thanks 11CAB
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:03 PM
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to
her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
exclaimed:"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would
expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the
next room.The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now
get on your
> knees". She did."Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ... take out ....." he said.She reached in and
grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well ... go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth
closer to it and while holding it close to her lips,tentatively said........... "Hello. Mom, can you hear me?
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:10 PM
>Calling In Sick...
>
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had
a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel
up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem,
but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is
dead. Come reset it."You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I
am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my
circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body tocontort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained
monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape,
I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Kruizin Kol
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
Minister of Volkswagenism
Posts: 1922
Threads: 238
Registered: September 1st, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Toronto - Westlakes NSW
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Enlightened.
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:11 PM
Some out of my Archive
Most sent by Lee. Thanks Mate
> This sounds about right:
> Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% ?
> We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
> How about achieving 103%?
> Here's a little
> math that might prove helpful.
>
> What makes life 100% ?
> If:
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
> Then:
> H A R D W O R K
> 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
>
> K N O W L E D G E
> 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
>
> But,
>
> A T T I T U D E
> 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
>
> And,
>
> B U L L S H I T
> 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
>
> So, it stands to reason that hard work and
> knowledge will get you close,
> attitude will get you there,
> but bullshit will put you over the top.
>
> And look how far ass kissing will take you.
> A S S K I S S I N G
> 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7= 127 %
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
Minister of Volkswagenism
Posts: 1922
Threads: 238
Registered: September 1st, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Toronto - Westlakes NSW
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Enlightened.
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:13 PM
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully
in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General
Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for
forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the
terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said,
"I believe that forgiving them is God's function.
Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:21 PM
History Lesson
WHO IS JACK SCHITT???
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins,
Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to
hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you've been up to.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:23 PM
Barry Logan
Jamul (pronounced Ha' mool), CA 91935
_______________________________________________________________
April 4, 2000
Dear Tom and Ray (a.k.a., click and clack),
I respectfully ask you to withdraw the VW bus from the ten-worst-cars-of-the-millennium list.
To condemn to ignominy the VW bus that you claim is among the worst cars of the millennium, without (by your own admission) actually having owned one,
is a betrayal of the American notion of justice.
While it is true that the bus is slow, has a pathetic heater, has terrible cross-wind stability and is often held together by flower stickers, those
are just superficial characteristics that miss completely the transcendent nature of this wonderful machine.
It's true that a bus needs 100 pounds of tools and spare parts in its cargo inventory for even a trip to the grocery store (fortunately, thanks
to Carl Franz, even a *complete idiot* can fix one); And it is true that I was unemployed for ten years because I had to stay home to fix my bus, but
in doing so I (along with many other bus owners) overcame all the petty objections mentioned above.
Anti-sway bars were added eliminating the crosswind instability problems, I built a high-performance 100MPH motor that made sailing up the mountain
passes of the West, in the fast lane, possible. A gas-fired heater keeps everyone toasty in the winter when we drive to the Sequoia redwoods to visit
them with a mantle of snow.
Don't know about Boston, but there are still a plethora of buses roaming around the West. Many are used as daily drivers with hundreds of
thousands of miles on them. Their owners love them. How could it be put in the same company with the others on the list?
You deserve our love, pity and compassion for your ignorance and obvious deficiency of life experience. Poor brothers, worked on the bus as a piece of
broken machinery, but never had the opportunity of having a peak experience* in one, as I have so many times on road trips of epic proportions.
My buses have traveled from Alaska to Central America; from California to New York and Florida, by back road, off-road, county road, blue highway, and
scenic byway, intimately exploring the world with family, friends and lovers. Happy trips, adventures, and learning experiences. The ambiance of the
bus itself lends some ineffable quality to each journey that makes a road trip in one, an extra-ordinary experience.
If the bus could talk, it would regale you with endless stories of torturous-mountain crossings, deserted tropical beaches, ancient ruins, warm
nights, Vicious hail, Florida panthers, scarlet macaws, fresh pineapple, smoking volcanoes, hidden oases, cave paintings, gourmet meals made in
Guadalcanal conditions, the smell of a thousand campfires, crimson skies at dawn and dusk, the burden of kayaks and mountain bikes, the joy of
touching grey whales, new friends made, and old friends reunited.
If you had experienced just one of the myriad nights of passionate romance spent with the most wondrous women on Earth, sunroof pulled back revealing
a canopy of stars blazing through a clear desert night, you would speak of the bus with reverence and not derision. Their essence, wisdom, beauty,
excitement and love continue to suffuse the carapace of the bus and animate it with an energy that infects all those who travel in it.
I am reminded of a time when I was hitchhiking and was picked up by a VW bus in Oregon. The side doors swung open, inside was a collection of other
hitchhikers traveling the road less taken. I was received into an instant community of strangers* who fell into rapturous rapport. People were
communicating their hopes, dreams and visions of the future, instead the timid, anxious and cruel fears that one is so likely to hear today, when one
picks up a stranger on the road.
After 27 years and more that one half million miles of VW bus ownership, The essence of all these experiences is palpable, and surrounds me as I
continue to journey down the road in my bus.
If, as the saying goes in California, *you are what you drive*, then having the bus on the ten-worst list devalues the lives of so many of us who feel
that the bus has been an immeasurable and wonderful part of our existence over the years.
Do you know that bus owners wave at each other as they pass? We are a society of people who share a tradition, a common experience. People who
understand that the quintessential of this thing called life, is the journey itself and not the destination. (Arriving somewhere an hour ahead of the
bus, wisked there in air conditioned 85MPH comfort, misses the point entirely).
What a long strange trip it's been.
Peace,
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:34 PM
Old Couple
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a
couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out
the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the
old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to
sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were
used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you
are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth".
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:38 PM
The Oath
I am a Volkswagen owner and solemnly swear to:
-Make sure that valves are adjusted by myself each and every 3000 miles or 3 months whichever comes first.
-Change the oil, myself, every 3000 miles or every 3 months whichever comes first.
-I will occasionally thumb my nose at the various 'quickie' oil/lube places when I pass them by.
-Never lug or race the engine on uphills or downhills.
-Lay awake at night thinking about what that noise was when I drove home from work today.
-Always include something about VWs in almost every conversation with my SO [Significant Other].
-Take the ribbing, cussing and screaming that my SO gives me for the previously mentioned act.
-For at least 30 minutes a week I will lay on my back underneath my VW talking to it and myself and con- template future maintenance and modification
for it.
-Make sure that my greasy garage cloths are kept separate from the rest of the laundry.
-Have at least 3 manuals devoted to my VWs model year.
-Keep my greasy 'mitts' off of my SO's clean towels.
-Be damn sure to wear my 'car working' clothes and not my good ones when I proceed to do any work on my car.
-I will keep a set of 'car working' clothes or coveralls in my VW at all times for emergency repair work.
-I will keep a tube or tub of hand cleaner in my VW at all times.
-That the top ten items on my Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary list are VW related.
-Make sure that any gifts I buy my SO are not VW related.
-At least 3 of my shirts and hats have some kind of VW emblem on them.
-I know all of the VW FLAPS [Friendly Local Auto Parts Store] in town and have memorized all of their phone numbers.
-Own a torque wrench and understand how to use it.
-Keep a record book of my VWs maintenance history.
-Show that record book to everyone that comes over as if were pictures of a brand new baby.
-Explain to my SO that my VW is my baby.
-Learn to recite in your head your VWs entire maintenance schedule so you can do it while brushing your teeth.
-Know that there is no such thing as 'borrowing oil'.
-Know exactly how many miles you have left to drive before you run out of gas.
-Have all the necessary parts and tools ready for when you break down.
-Know all the phone numbers you need to call if you can't fix it.
-Learn how to sleep in my VW.
-Learn how to push my VW.
-Learn how to drive my VW with a broken clutch cable.
-Learn to keep a spare clutch cable in my VW.
-Make sure the top 5 numbers on all my phone lists are VW related.
-My desk at work has VW related items on it.
-Make sure that when anyone at my work has a problem with their VW, I am the first person they call.
-Be the only one to add or take any fluids to or from my VW.
-And finally, understand that I am a VW nut and not everyone can comprehend this... ability... and cannot understand why I eat, drink, breath, stink
and sleep Volkswagens. I can only accept that I do and therefore, will act and behave accordingly...
So (please) help me God.
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Seriously Obsessed Cyber Dubber
Posts: 3493
Threads: 104
Registered: August 25th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Gippsland, Victoria
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Indifferent
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:42 PM
MCDONALDS JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him
because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Kruizin Kol
Boozer
Custom Title Time!
Demented But Determined
Posts: 1999
Threads: 129
Registered: December 30th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Redland Bay, Brisbane
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: What the crap?
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:51 PM
Bad Day at the Office
1998 Urban Legend
The sister of the deceased in Scuba Divers and Forest Fires shows us his last email message to her.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints.
When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than poison ivy
under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass
crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the
surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got
on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on
your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
Original source: forwarded email in August 1999
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
Boozer
Custom Title Time!
Demented But Determined
Posts: 1999
Threads: 129
Registered: December 30th, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Redland Bay, Brisbane
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: What the crap?
posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:52 PM
Bees 1, Humans 0
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(23 September 2002, Brazil) A farm keeper from São Paulo decided to remove a beehive from his orange tree. He didn't know exactly how to proceed,
but he knew the hive should be burned, and he knew bees sting. So he protected his head with a plastic bag sealed tightly around his neck, grabbed a
torch, and went off to fight the bees.
His worried wife went to look for him a few hours later, and found him dead. However, it wasn't the bees that killed him. The plastic bag had
protected him from smoke, stingers, and... oxygen! He had forgotten to put breathing holes in the bag.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
stick grenade with a chainsaw to get the explosives out.:o
father
