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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:53 PM
Bizarre Death
1994 Urban Legend
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications
of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped
from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth
floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might
not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner
to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his
wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely
missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder
charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing
habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident;
that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son
for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the
failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a
shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:54 PM
Breasts Injure Four
1999 Urban Legend
(June 1999) Four people were admitted to a hospital after a string of bizarre accidents earlier this month. Sherry was admitted with a head wound. Tim
was diagnosed with whiplash and chest contusions. Bryan suffered from torn gum tissue, and several of Pamela's fingers were bitten off.
These are the facts:
When Sherry dropped her husband off for his first day of work, she kissed him goodbye and flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure
why I did it," she said. "I didn't think anyone would see, and besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds."
Unbeknownst to her, the cab driver did see her breasts, and he lost control of his taxi. It careened over a curb and into the corner of the Johnson
Medical Building, where Pamela, a dental technician, was cleaning Bryan's gums. When the car came through the wall, Bryan bit down in shock,
severing two fingers from Pamela's righthand.
Breast-flasher Sherry was injured by masonry falling from the Johnson Medical Building.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:55 PM
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5
years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out
of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American
Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of
his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for
5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like
a weenie dog."
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:55 PM
Electric Eccentric
2002 Personal Account
It used to be, the dumbest thing I ever did was to come out of the kitchen with my hands dripping wet, and reach down to plug in a lamp. I got quite a
shock, but the lamp still works. But now there's a new "Dumbest Thing I Ever Did" story.
I was cleaning the greasy range hood over my stove, with a sponge and a bucket of dish soapy water. There I was, scrubbing away, bent partially upside
down, when my brother dropped by. He began giving me grief about the improper cleaning method I was using.
I myself was a mess of grime, and my brother sat clean and natty, not lifting a finger, so naturally I became irritated. "How else should I clean
it?!"
It turns out that his real concern was the burnt-out light bulb, across which I was sloshing soapy water. The socket was empty, and live.
"Water and electricity don't mix," he said.
I told him, dripping with sarcasm, "Yeah, THAT would be a problem if I were stupid enough to take my wet finger and stick it in the open
socket..." which were the last words I heard for five minutes.
I apparently stuck my finger right in the socket...
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:57 PM
Faulty Aim Fatal
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot,
rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are
unknown, but *may* have been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I'll make them hot, sweaty, tired, and
angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."
During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his
shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They
have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I'll fire wildly behind me
and see what happens!"
Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn’t
flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing
the chase to a sudden conclusion.
Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where
he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 08:59 PM
Frog Giggin' Accident in Arkansas
1998 Urban Legend
(1996) Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday
morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-giggin' trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older
model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into
the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on
eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated,
discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered
only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated
and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how
the accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught.
Incorrectly attributed to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, 25 July 1996. The Gazette issued a decisive statement denouncing this story as a hoax on
October 17, 1997.
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:00 PM
Gun Safety Training
2000 Darwin Award Runner-Up
Confirmed True by Darwin
/misc/index.zeebarf.html/misc/index.zeebarf.html(28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian
roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He
apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is
cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:01 PM
Historic Darwins
1994 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I embarked on the 3rd Crusade to recapture the Holy Land in the twelfth century. After spending days trudging across the
dry summer desert, his army came upon the River Saleph. In his parched state, Frederick threw caution to the wind -- instead of his heavy armor -- and
plunged into the river, whereupon he sank to the bottom and drowned.
Attila the Hun was one of the most notorious villains in history. He conquered all of Asia by 450 A.D. by destroying villages and pillaging the
countryside. This bloodthirsty man died from a nosebleed on his wedding night. After feasting and toasting his own good fortune, he was too drunk to
notice his nose, and he drowned in a snoutful of his own blood.
Tycho Brahe, a sixteenth-century Danish astronomer whose research helped Sir Isaac Newton devise the theory of gravity, died because he
didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. In that society it was considered an insult to leave the table before the banquet was over. Brahe
forgot to relieve himself before the banquet began, then exacerbated matters by imbibing too much alcohol at dinner. Too polite to ask to be excused,
he instead allowed his bladder to burst, which killed him slowly and painfully over the next eleven days.
Francis Bacon was an influential statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist in the sixteenth century. He died while stuffing snow into a chicken.
He had been struck by the notion that snow instead of salt might be used to preserve meat. To test his theory he stood outside in the snow and
attempted to stuff the bird. The chicken didn’t freeze, but Bacon did, prompting the question “Which froze first? The Bacon or the
egg?”
Jean-Baptiste Lully, a seventeenth-century composer who wrote music for the king of France, died from an overdose of “musical
enthusiasm.” While rehearsing for a concert, he became overexcited and drove his baton right through his foot. He succumbed to blood
poisoning.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:03 PM
Jet Assisted Take-Off
1995 Darwin Awards Winner
Confirmed Bogus by Darwin
/misc/index.zeebarf.html
/misc/index.zeebarf.htmlThe Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff
rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains
of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.
The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.
It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give
heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.
Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the
rocket.
The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:
The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the
location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that
speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under
full afterburners.
The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them,
blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the
cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail
and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-Dung."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:04 PM
Macho Men?
1996 Darwin Awards Winner
/misc/index.zeebarf.html/misc/index.zeebarf.htmlSome men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille
recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being
Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked
and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by
seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," je
swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:05 PM
Misadventure at the Metallica Concert
1998 Urban Legend
(1996) Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake, 24, and his friend, Ormond D. Young, 27, at a
Friday night Metallica concert.
Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20-ft
drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants
were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground, adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get
any tickets, the two decided to stay in the parking lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the them, they
hit upon the idea of scaling the 7-foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in.
They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake. They did not count on the
fact that, while it was a 7-foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23-foot drop on the other side.
Young, who weighed 255 lbs. and was quite inebriated, jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the distance before a large tree
branch broke his fall and his left forearm. He also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in great pain and had no way to
extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided to cut his shorts off and fall to the bushes below. As soon as he cut the last bit of
fabric holding him on the branch, he suddenly plummeted the rest of the way down, losing his grip on the knife. The bushes he had depended on to break
his fall were actually holly bushes, and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly
bush branch, effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 feet up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. He
was in tremendous pain.
Enter his friend Robert Uhlenake.
Uhlenake had observed the series of tumbles and realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pulling
him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Happily, despite his drunken
state, he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his drunken state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse rather
than into drive. He broke through the fence and landed on Young, killing him. Uhlenake was thrown from the truck and subsequently died of internal
injuries.
"So that's how a dead 255 lb. man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass, came to be" said Commissioner
Appleton.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:06 PM
Overkill I
1999 Urban Legend
In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood atop a sheer cliff and tied a noose around his neck.
He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last
moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Now freed from the threat of hanging, he
plunged into the sea. The dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was
taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:06 PM
Shorties: Stupid Human Tricks
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded
under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70
guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.
A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a
kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the
package and was blown away.
Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two
thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.
News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in
Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never
stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.
In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his
loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:07 PM
The Barbequed Chef
2002 Personal Account
(August 2002, Ontario, Canada) I was attempting to light my new barbecue lighter, when I discovered that my lighter -- a long stick with a click
button -- was out of fluid. I took it to the laundry room, and filled it over the water basin. I later discovered that I was using the wrong type of
fluid, but that's part of another story.
I decided to test it, figuring the flame would be at least 8" from any fuel on my hand. What I hadn't figured was the effect of the flame on
the stream of fuel leaking down to the tip of the lighter. When I clicked the button, to my astonishment, my whole hand caught on fire.
I hollered, "Oh, darn!" (Or words to that effect.) Having one's hand on fire is neither relaxing nor calming, and I must have flinched,
thereby squeezing more fuel from the container in my other hand, engulfing my already-burning hand in a ball of flames.
At this point, I dropped everything into the basin, igniting the whole shebang: the lighter, the canister of fuel, and some dust mites. I exclaimed,
"Oh, darn!" And I began to become quite concerned.
I tried to smother the flames on my hand by clapping, but just lit the other hand on fire, too. I hit the floor and tried the standard Stop Drop and
Roll technique, but that doesn't work well on a concrete floor. I eventually extinguished my hands with a nearby floor mat, thereby leaving them
free to deal with a growing concern...
The laundry basin was completely engulfed in flames. I was trapped by indecision. Should I run for a gigantic box of baking soda, or would water put
it out? That's when I made the worst decision of the day.
I cranked on the water taps over the basin.
Lighter fluid and water do not, in fact, mix. Now I had fast-moving liquid flames to deal with! Luckily, it turned out that turning the taps on full
allowed the water to "outnumber" the fire, which was eventually put out.
At that point, I made the smartest decision of all. After those 30 seconds of excitement were over, I took off my wedding ring. This served two
purposes: It did not get stuck to my finger while it swelled and blistered, and it kept the world from knowing that my wife had actually married such
an idiot!
And now to share with you an important safety tip I learned during this experience: When you do catch on fire, don't yell, "Oh, darn!"
Instead, yell, "Fire!!! HOLY S**T I'm f**king on fire!!!” This sends a clear message to your wife that all is not well.
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:10 PM
As you can see I have tons of these from all over the place, enjoy...
The Bricklayer
1998 Urban Legend
Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim.
The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor
planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be
sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had
completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached
to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the
barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."
"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground
so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of
the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only
slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this
time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel
of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."
"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you
might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for
the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in
pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
Boozer
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:11 PM
Tired Ammo
1990 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
(1990’s, United States) I heard the following at work in the gun shop. The events described below (if it’s not a legend) occurred
in the 1990’s in the southwest.
A small-time hood (about to be even smaller) broke into the home of a World War Two veteran and stole, among other things, the old G.I.'s .45
automatic pistol, which he used in battle in the 1940's. The hoodlum then reported directly to a local convenience store and proceeded to rob the
cashier while brandishing his new pistol. The cashier, no dummy, followed orders and handed over the contents of the register.
Our thug took the money and turned to leave, but suddenly decided he didn’t want to leave a witnesses… other than the security
camera, that is. He leveled the pistol at the cashier and pulled the trigger.
"CLICK!" went the gun.
At this unexpected development, the puzzled crook looked straight down the barrel of his weapon and uttered the words, "What the...?"
As it turned out, the WWII veteran had WWII vintage ammunition in his WWII vintage pistol. Priming caps over time are known to lose their
"spontaneous" nature, particularly if stored improperly, causing what is known as a hang-fire: The primer smolders into a delayed ignition.
Such was the case here.
Just as the puzzled crook had the barrel pointed squarely at his own eye, the hang-fired primer detonated, sending a half-inch chunk of lead and
associated hot combustion gases directly into the felon's skull at 900 feet per second.
The range was less than six inches.
The body could only be identified by fingerprints.
As the story was related to me, the police officer who responded to the original gun burglary was also at the scene of the armed robbery. He picked up
the .45 and verified the serial number, then returned it to the WWII veteran.
Case closed.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
Boozer
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:12 PM
Insanity Inc.
Accident Of The Day
Unfortunate Husband
This guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in
the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still
OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.
His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of
broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.
Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess
in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet. Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the
bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not
flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.
The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor
with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked
the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's
collarbone.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
Boozer
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:13 PM
this is the last one I can find, for the moment...
Wrong Time, Wrong Place
1990 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
/misc/index.zeebarf.html
/misc/index.zeebarf.html3 February 1990, Washington
A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, WA. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent
crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public
places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing
him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
KruizinKombi
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posted on July 28th, 2003 at 09:41 PM
LMAO!!! Nice collection Boozer! :thumb
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 29th, 2003 at 06:22 PM
I think I can find a few more, heres another one...
Truck Stop
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(31 March 2002, Bangladesh) Six highway robbers, who had apparently watched too many gangster movies, were caught in their own trap when they blocked
a bypass with their car at midnight. The driver of an oncoming truck carrying a cargo of cows was unable to halt his heavy vehicle in time. The truck
rolled right through the blockade, crushing the car and its scheming occupants. Five dacoits died, and the sixth was critically wounded.
A cow was also killed in the accident.
THe MC Bat Commander's motto: "Never do now, what you could do for 24 hours straight, all night, the night before."
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posted on July 29th, 2003 at 07:54 PM
not a darwin, but something that should almost have made it. my grandparents had a bit of a wasp problem, european wasps to be presise, and they
tried everything without success to get rid of them. then my grandfather hit on a novel idea.
late one night, wearing only a shirt and pants, and equipped with a 2x4 and a torch, he headed out to the hive, plugged all but one hole, so that the
wasps only had one route of escape, and shone the torch into the one remaining hole, with the intention of hitting the wasps 1 by1 as they came out.
the next morning he explained to us how because he was european and the wasps were european, that he was immune to there sting, and demonstrated this
by holding up his shirt, ful of dead wasps.
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posted on July 30th, 2003 at 11:47 AM
High School exam metaphors
1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
5. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
13. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
16. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.
17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
19. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
20. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword
21. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
22. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
23. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 15th, 2003 at 02:32 PM
Another one from Mel (Mrs 11Cab):
A rich white man in Katherine decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
aboriginal in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing,
eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my
pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the croc
and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh*t like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Kung Fu master. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Leroy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe
you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again, Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the Mother@#&%er who pushed me in the pool.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 15th, 2003 at 04:18 PM
The Luck of the Irish!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section
and Mick says to Paddy,"Dats Dem".
The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere",
says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag".
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300
foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the
four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down
for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!'
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock Dat, budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the petshop and he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.
He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus
is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the
cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and
blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another
'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting
noider..."
After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the petshop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a
chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit
his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, fockin' hengliding."
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posted on August 26th, 2003 at 12:37 AM
It was the first day of school and a new student named Huong, the
son of a Vietnamese businessman, entered year four in Australia.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Australian
history.
Who said, "Vinegar Hill!"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Huong, "Captain Henry Ross, Eureka Stockade, Ballarat, 1854." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'We shall form a Commonwealth and govern from Canberra'?"
Again, no response except from Huong: "General Sir John Monash, 1915."
said Huong.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Huong, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Vietnamese." "Who said that?"
she demanded. Huong put his hand up. "Bruce Ruxton, 1975."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Huong says,
"Paul Keating, meeting Malaysian Prime Minister Dr Mahathir, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Huong jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Gareth Evans, to Cheryl Kernot, 1999!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you." Huong frantically yells at the top
of his voice, "Peter Reith to Rear Admiral Chris Ritchie at the "children
overboard" enquiry, 2001."
The teacher fainted.
And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
and Huong said, "Ansett Australia, 2002"!!
And Another....
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be
told, he's none too experienced either. On their wedding night she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next
to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My dalling' he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you belly flighten. I plomise you I give you anyting you want, I do anyting ... jus
anyting you want ...- you say...whatchou want?" he says trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her response. She eventually replies shyly and unsurely "I want num'
69"
More thoughtful silence ... this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ... "You want ... Beef wif Bloccoli?"
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 1st, 2003 at 01:10 PM
Some funny pics I got via email:
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posted on September 1st, 2003 at 01:11 PM
For all of us Optimax buyers: :o
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posted on September 1st, 2003 at 01:12 PM
My favourite
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posted on September 1st, 2003 at 03:35 PM
The Washington Post publishes a yearly in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some recent
winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish Expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
The Post also invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
Here are some of those winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid (e.g.: "I'm a doctor..."
4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
10. Glibido: All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid dideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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posted on September 2nd, 2003 at 07:01 AM
Little Johnny's God...
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnnys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
