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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 07:24 PM
once upon a midnight dreary, while i porn surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my
fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i
muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 07:34 PM
so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
whatd u think they'd say?
something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 07:39 PM
I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
It said my password wasn't long enough.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
buzzbug
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posted on July 4th, 2005 at 07:44 PM
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
amazer
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posted on September 16th, 2005 at 08:41 PM
This is a serious thread resurection
If you've been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that's just for Hostess
Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse.
Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: "In addition to freedom
of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so they can drive around in 'sport utility' vehicles the size of minor planets."
And don't let any so-called "economists" try to tell you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do. Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold
in foreign units called "kilometers," plus they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the "franc," the "lira" and the "doubloon."
So in fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they are paying.
But here in the U.S. we are definitely getting messed over, and the question is: What are we going to do about it? Step one, of course, is to file a
class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They
have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we'd probably win several hundred billion dollars.
But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this problem, we must understand how the oil business works. Like most Americans, you probably think
that gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Haha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from tanks located UNDER the gas station.
These tanks are connected to underground pipelines, which carry large oil tankers filled with oil from the Middle East. But how did the oil get in the
Middle East in the first place? To answer that question, we must go back millions of years, to an era that geologists call the Voracious Period, when
giant dinosaurs roamed the Earth, eating everything that stood in their path, except for broccoli, which they hated.
And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway asteroid, believed by scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late Orson Welles, slammed into
the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad luck all happened to be standing right where it landed. The massive impact turned the dinosaurs,
via a process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in turn was gradually covered by a
layer of people who hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed.
For many years, the Middle East was content to supply the United States with as much oil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices. But then the
major oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait and Texas -- got all snotty and formed an organization called OPEC, which stands for
"North Atlantic Treaty Organization." In the 1970s, OPEC decided to raise prices, and soon the United States was caught up in a serious crisis: The
Disco Era. It was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or wedding reception without being ordered onto the dance floor to learn "The Hustle."
At the same time, we also had an oil crisis, which was caused by the fact that every motorist in the United States was determined to keep his or her
automobile gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as your gas gauge dropped from "Full" to "Fifteen-sixteenths," you'd rush to a gas
station and get in a huge line with hundreds of other motorists who also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot of people, including me, saved on heating
oil by buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to
transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room filled with kerosene fumes. Buying gas and dancing "The Hustle" with people who smelled like
kerosene: That was the '70s
So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time we got rid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the
same fuel economy as the Pentagon. Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn
from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation?
Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do
this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, "Jurassic Park"
and
"Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot." Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if he is available, Michael
Moore.
If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication dosage, then write to your congressperson. Do it now! That way you'll be busy when I siphon
your tank.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on September 18th, 2005 at 05:28 PM
A guy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the
dentist says, "That tooth has to come out.
I'm going to give you a
Shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The guy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I hate needles and having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The guy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple
of days.
I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water,
"Here,"he says. "Take this pill."
The guy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The guy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"
No," replies the dentist,
"but it will give you something to hold on
to while I pull the tooth."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 18th, 2005 at 05:47 PM
Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that
she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking
that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out his old
Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss
the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,she
called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the
heart would be on a woman. The doctor told her that her heart would
be just below her left breast. Later that night, Mildred was
admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 18th, 2005 at 05:48 PM
NOAH 2005
>
> In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was
> now living in
> Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has
> become wicked and
> over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before
> me. Build another
> Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
> few good humans."
>
> He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six
> months to build the
> Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40
> days and 40 nights".
>
> Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
> weeping in his
> yard.... but no ark.
>
> "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
> Where is the Ark?"
>
> "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have
> changed.
>
> I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with
> the inspector about the need
> for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that
> I've violated the neighbourhood
> zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
> exceeding the height limitations.
>
> We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
>
> Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be
> posted for the
> future costs of moving power lines and other
> overhead obstructions,
> to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
>
> I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but
> they would hear
> nothing of it.
>
> Getting the wood was another problem.
> There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to
> save the spotted owl.
> I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
> needed the wood to
> save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering
> the animals,
> I got sued by an animal rights group.
>
> They insisted that I was confining wild animals
> against their will.
>
> As well, they argued the accommodation was too
> restrictive and it was
> cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
> confined space.
> Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
> until they'd
> conducted an environmental impact study on your
> proposed flood.
> I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
> Human Rights
> Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to
> hire for my building crew.
>
> Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons.
> They insist I have to hire only Union
> workers with Ark building experience. To make
> matters worse, the Tax Office seized all
> my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country
> illegally with endangered species.
>
> So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten
> years for me to finish this Ark."
>
> Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
> and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
>
> Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean,
> You're not going to destroy the world?".
>
> "No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 18th, 2005 at 09:39 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by buzzbug
I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
It said my password wasn't long enough.
Had you tried "Brendans Penis" you would have had no problems.
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posted on September 18th, 2005 at 10:44 PM
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The oyster shucker shucks between fits.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 26th, 2005 at 06:26 PM
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year and decided to get married. There
was only one thing bothering me- her beautiful younger
sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two,wore very tight miniskirts
and
went bra-less. One day she called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she
had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn' t overcome. She said she
wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister. Of
course I was totally shocked and couldn' t say a word. She said I'm
going
upstairs to my bedroom now, and if you want one last wild fling,come up
and join me. I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top
she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for
a moment,and then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door
to my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me
and said We're so happy that you' ve passed our little test. We couldn'
t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 26th, 2005 at 06:27 PM
What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman??
The bad marksman shoots and shoots and never hits....
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 26th, 2005 at 08:24 PM
No nipples.........
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, thedoctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find noproblems. I
did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor.
"I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "How many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called .."
"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 26th, 2005 at 08:28 PM
*groan* gee thats bad
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on September 26th, 2005 at 09:17 PM
to resurect this all time great topic...
one of my all time favs... and it came from Hbbear many pages earlier...
SICK BUT GOOD....
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno never found the head."
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posted on September 26th, 2005 at 10:27 PM
ahh yeh..that's a classic..you can never forget that one..
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posted on October 3rd, 2005 at 03:47 PM
Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very
cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the
digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees
C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average desser tportion is 6 oz, or
168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamiclaw, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the
dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036
calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It
doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a
can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37
cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an
opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and
follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!
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posted on October 3rd, 2005 at 03:47 PM
GOD LOVES BLONDES ANYWAY
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate and she decides to ask
God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if Idon't get some money, I'm going to lose my house, as well.
Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car, as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays.
"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time, so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with me on this... Buy a ticket."
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posted on October 3rd, 2005 at 04:26 PM
For those that need to learn how to dance... bust-a-move...
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posted on October 4th, 2005 at 02:34 PM
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at
the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
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posted on October 4th, 2005 at 02:35 PM
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She
said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several
of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the
master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and
garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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posted on October 4th, 2005 at 02:37 PM
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know
everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I
do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck!
Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to
Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he
tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I
were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they
catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and
waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned--
he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so
he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and
Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of
thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through
all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside
him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and
when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...
hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!
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posted on October 4th, 2005 at 08:57 PM
Here's another one.
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
************************************************
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is
written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call husband to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand break
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posted on October 5th, 2005 at 11:46 PM
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful!
Ready?
Begin....
You're in Florida...
In Miami, to be exact...
There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
This is a flood of major proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some are disappearing under the water. Nature is
showing all its destructive fury.
You see a man in the water! He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly, you know who it is.......... it's George W Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever.
You have two options.
You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life.
You can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful
men.
Now, here's the question, (please give an honest answer).
|
|
|
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white ?
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 7th, 2005 at 08:34 PM
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!
It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were scarce, and no
lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him.
Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel.
The car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.
Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how
the hand appears every time they approach a curve.
Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town.
Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible
experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other...
"Look Mick, that's the as*h*le that got in the car when we were pushing it!"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on October 8th, 2005 at 11:01 PM
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless,
and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm
farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
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posted on October 12th, 2005 at 11:40 PM
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posted on October 17th, 2005 at 11:47 AM
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep,
dickhead."
The man returns: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
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posted on October 17th, 2005 at 11:49 AM
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink ? - Hu Flung Dung?
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posted on October 17th, 2005 at 04:51 PM
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped
into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he aproaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel
like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
