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posted on November 14th, 2005 at 09:27 AM
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).
Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without
converting the spoonerisms as you read ..
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard
frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the suglyisters
without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen
swanny.
VW car, VW engine ...... keepin it "real"
35MPG on 101.3kPa
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posted on November 14th, 2005 at 09:36 AM
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd
given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Chris.... kombi pilot, oval dreamer... finisher #26971 2005 city to surf
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posted on December 19th, 2005 at 09:25 PM
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose."I think it's raining," he said to his
wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached,
the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining,of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
to which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on January 7th, 2006 at 06:00 PM
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
_____
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
_____
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
_____
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
_____
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
_____
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
_____
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
_____
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
_____
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
_____
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
_____
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a ride!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 17th, 2006 at 01:18 PM
how many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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wanna ride bikes?
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on January 20th, 2006 at 09:06 PM
A school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, " Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave
a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing
there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're sh*tting the bed ! ! !"
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posted on January 21st, 2006 at 01:21 AM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
> were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
> deep end.
>
> He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
>in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to
>his room.
>
> When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
> immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now
>considered Edna to be mentally stable.
>
> She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The
> good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
> rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient,
> you displayed sound mindedness.
>
> The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
> bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
> but he's dead.
>
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
> can I go home?
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 21st, 2006 at 01:36 AM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either
bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is
your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"Drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't fuck him."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 21st, 2006 at 10:44 AM
Anger Management Solution No.1
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take itout on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I
politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an arsehole!" and
hung up
I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back
window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole,
too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with
an idea.
I called Arsehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34, Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works .
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posted on January 21st, 2006 at 01:05 PM
You've probably seen this before.. john Cleese's letter to the US Government:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U'
is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a
girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric
with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should
be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer
will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 23rd, 2006 at 11:52 PM
This stuff is great.
It will keep me going for days
Thanks guys and galls
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posted on January 24th, 2006 at 05:50 PM
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be
very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out
for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle
lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three
wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do
you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And whats your wish, genie?” the husband said.
"Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care." The genie took the wife
upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? Thats amazing."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 24th, 2006 at 05:53 PM
YOUR NEW WORKPLACE AGREEMENT
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Death Clause
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if you can
show that your death will not affect productivity.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustration's, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on January 24th, 2006 at 05:54 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated; "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that
got 1,000 miles to the gallon!!!"
________________________________
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with
the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day!
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart
it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would
simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on January 24th, 2006 at 05:57 PM
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."
No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down, again.
Then came "Manic depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and
Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business
slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and sit down.
Would you like a coffee before we start?"
"Yes please, 2 sugars"
When she brought the coffee in, she asked blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too...you can really spread out!"
"Bath? Living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
She said.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus and this one was done on the lawn."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your
um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?
Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on February 1st, 2006 at 02:15 AM
Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
> >out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get
> >back into the dating world. Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but
> >doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I
> >have someone
for
> >you to meet."
> >
> >Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after
> >dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
> >mountains.
> >
> >Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands
nude
> >except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his
> >birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She
> >replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
> >but down there I
am
> >still in mourning."
> >
> >The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with
> >the
black
> >panties on and he is in his birthday suit... except that he has a
> >black condom over his erection.
> >
> >She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?"
> >
> >He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on February 9th, 2006 at 11:12 AM
New Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love
Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels
compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to
the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on February 13th, 2006 at 02:41 PM
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he
spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I will inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his
stepmother!
Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned
to his wife and asked, "What?"
Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me
to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a
mouse?"
Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, besides, it is in the Bible that the man
should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I don't believe that... show
me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
crewcabconnection
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posted on February 23rd, 2006 at 09:11 PM
bump - it's still all funny
Loves a lolcat
Oasis
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posted on March 31st, 2006 at 11:10 AM
Some days I hate being married.
While watching cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life
and death.
I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw it out the window and then
poured all my beer down the sink.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on March 31st, 2006 at 11:51 AM
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says:
" I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
wezley
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posted on March 31st, 2006 at 11:59 AM
A guy goes to visit a zoo,
but there was only a dog there,
it was a shitzu
Oasis
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posted on March 31st, 2006 at 12:02 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring
at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "Why did you say that to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on April 14th, 2006 at 11:45 AM
A few things to think about that you probably have never thought about :
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on April 19th, 2006 at 05:31 PM
Preparing to endorse a check, a proctologist pulls a rectal thermometer out of his
shirt pocket and tried to write with it. He looks up at the teller, pauses
for a moment, then realizing his mistake, says "Well, that's great...just
great... some asshole's got my pen."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on April 24th, 2006 at 05:44 PM
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour..........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
2xCondoms..................To be sure, to be sure
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on April 24th, 2006 at 05:50 PM
Actual call centre conversations!!!!!
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to inquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the
window to write the number on".
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have
my file back again?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on April 28th, 2006 at 01:40 AM
I hate these hoax warnings, but this one is important!!!
Please send this to everyone on your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and say they are conducting a
survey and ask you to show them your bum, do not show them your bum.
This is a scam; They only want to see your bum.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on May 1st, 2006 at 11:13 PM
Ah yes, Politics...
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Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on May 2nd, 2006 at 05:29 PM
A guy is sitting at the bar next to a lady.
The lady says "if you can guess my weight I will let you have sex with me".
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