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posted on May 3rd, 2006 at 04:01 PM
>George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the
>devil has been waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says
>the devil.
>
>"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have
>to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three
>people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
>but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
>
>George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
>
>The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
>pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
>over and over.
>
>Such was his fate in hell; "No!" George said. "I don't think
>so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day."
>
>The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
>sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
>time after time after time.
>
>"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
>agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
>
>The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
>naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
>staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
>what she does best.
>
>George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
>"Yeah, I can handle this. The devil smiled and said; "Monica, you're
>free to go."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 10th, 2006 at 12:44 AM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room only if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW,WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist..
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable
pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes and he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Men Never Listen!!!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
A.k.a.: Col
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posted on May 18th, 2006 at 08:01 PM
CUSTOMER CREDIT CARD SERVICE
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A
lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service Charges on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to ANZ:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . .the part about her being dead?"
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69."
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Kruizin Kol
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posted on May 19th, 2006 at 11:04 AM
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:_You can stay single and be miserable, _or get married and wish you were dead.___At a cocktail party, one woman said to
another,_"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" _"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:_"Husband Wanted". _Next day she received a hundred letters._They all said the same thing:_"You can have
mine."___When a woman steals your husband,_there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.___A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then
she is finished _.__A little boy asked his father, _"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"_Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."____A young son asked,_"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa _a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"_Dad replied,
"That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,_"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, _and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.____If you want your spouse to listen and_pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk
in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ___First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
_Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
" A Woman's Prayer:_Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord,
if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death " ____AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!! ___Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their
nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able
to fit onto the bus. __So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy." __The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell
up."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 20th, 2006 at 06:52 PM
>3-year-old Reese:
>"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
>Harold is His name.
>Amen."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A little boy was overheard praying:
>"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
>I'm having a real good time like I am."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>After the christening of his baby brother in
church,
>Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
>His father asked him three times what was wrong.
>Finally, the boy replied,
>"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
>and I wanted to stay with you guys."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
>the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
>She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
>Finally, she decided to go solo.
>I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
>right up to the end of the prayer:
>"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
>"but deliver us from E-mail.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>One particular four-year-old prayed,
>"And forgive us our trash baskets
>as we forgive those who put
trash in our baskets."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
>were on the way to church service,
>"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
>One bright little girl replied,
>"Because people are sleeping."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
>brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
>Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
>Finally, his big sister had had enough.
>"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
>"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
>Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
>"See those two men standing by the door?
>They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and
Ryan 3.
>The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
>Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
>"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
>'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
>Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
>"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A father was at the beach with his children
>when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
>grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
>where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
>"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
>"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
>The boy thought a moment and then said,
>"Did God throw him back down?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>A wife invited some people to dinner.
>At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said,
>"Would you like to say the blessing?"
>"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
>"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
>The daughter bowed her head and said,
>"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 21st, 2006 at 10:06 AM
Very bloody funny
This is going around NY at the moment.
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in
the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever
want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or
anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had
WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.
I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, and I can
even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't
handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I
feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world
looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are
songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed.
I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that
you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping hat this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role
in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and
weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that,
and you would be correct.
I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your
friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there
is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you
to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could
have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of
my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.
Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses
are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes
peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus for work today, I
can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping
against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please
don't cut me off, I really don't
think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with
a load of whites is "a stupid thing";
Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar
wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that
morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent
removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him"
somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less
if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.
Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags
and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to
actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
person, they just think you're the average run of the mill
Cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child
porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some
B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's
seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the
taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the
Men's room.
The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the
young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last
Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it
happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you
do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching
sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on May 21st, 2006 at 10:11 AM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly
neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So
you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to
the woman. The
woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands
it back to the man
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 1st, 2006 at 04:35 PM
Super 14 Quotes of the year - released for the finals weekend
"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Scott Hamilton
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Andy Ellis on University
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up
in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Robbie deans
Chris Jack on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit
to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
- Robbie Deans on Rueben Thorne
Kevin Senio, on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same,
just darker."
Robby Deans talking about Caleb Ralph "I told him, 'Son, what is it
with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'Robbie, I don't know and I don't care.'
Dan Carter when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season,
whichever comes first."
"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old , who turned 22 a few weeks ago"
(Murray Mexted)
"Robbie has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(Dan Carter)
"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run
of play."
(Murray Mexted)
"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they
scored."
(Phil Waugh)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Andy Ellis)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was
identical."
(Dan Carter)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Dan Carter)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of
them serious."
(Doc Mayhew)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again."
(Robby Deans)
"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but
there are none better."
(Murray Mexted)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat."
(Ewan McKenzie)
Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your
autobiography?"
Chris Jack: "On what ?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Murray Mexted)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the
air for even longer."
(Murray Mexted)
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 2nd, 2006 at 06:32 PM
Oldie but a goodie....
CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
> Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real
>
> sick.
>
> Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
>
>
>
> The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
>feel
> like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
>everything
> better and I go to work. You try that."
>
>
>
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
>feel
> great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
mountainbug
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posted on June 2nd, 2006 at 07:11 PM
A guy walks into a doctors surgery, and said, one morning a feel like a wig wam, the next i feel ilke a tee pee... Doctors response.. I think your to
tents
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posted on June 3rd, 2006 at 02:22 AM
Subject: Why lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer
In a small Southern town during a trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand, sophisticated,
elderly lady. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones...do you know me?".
She responded, "Why, yes I know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. Frankly, you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you very well".
Stunned and not knowing what else to do, the lawyer then pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you also know the defense attorney?".
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's a lazy bigot and he has a drinking problem. He
can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state! Not to mention that he cheated on his wife with
three different women, one of them being YOUR wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney's face blazed with red and he ducked his head in shame. At that point, the noble judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench, and in a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you two bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt!".
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
dak002
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posted on June 4th, 2006 at 10:19 AM
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided
it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went
out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would
really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I
would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his
glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
There's nothing like the wind on your head, where your hair used to be.....................
Joel
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posted on June 6th, 2006 at 01:57 AM
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through sand, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. Hecrawls to the object,
pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looksto be
an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie. She is wearing an AUSTRALIAN
TAXATION OFFICE badge and a
dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her
pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a ATO auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and
decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my
wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." **POOF***
He is turned into a tampon!!
And, the moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 6th, 2006 at 01:59 AM
DUB74L LMAO!!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 7th, 2006 at 04:40 PM
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the
three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the
train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return
trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram
into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "Ticket, please."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on June 8th, 2006 at 10:59 AM
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any
f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking
beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on June 8th, 2006 at 12:00 PM
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains
to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led
to
another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out
into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Several days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods
to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out
next
week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
he
claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him
And we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
his
hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent
the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was
in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out
of
him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on
it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 8th, 2006 at 12:03 PM
BLACK ROBBERS - True Story
>>>>By far the best email I've read so far.... For anyone who didn't
>>>>see David
>>>>Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story)
>>>>On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
>>>>quarters
>>>>at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
>>>>with her
>>>>husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash
>>>>the
>>>>quarters in her room.
>>>>"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband
>>>>and
>>>>carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about
>>>>to
>>>>walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both
>>>>were
>>>>black.
>>>>One of them was tall...very tall....and intimidating figure. The
>>>>woman
>>>>froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her
>>>>next
>>>>thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
>>>>gentlemen,
>>>>but racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered
>>>>and
>>>>ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but, gosh, they had
>>>>to know
>>>>what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
>>>>elevator was all too obvious now.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
>>>>mighty
>>>>effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
>>>>followed
>>>>with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
>>>>contact, she
>>>>turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they
>>>>closed. A
>>>>second passed, and the another second, and then another.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
>>>>God,
>>>>she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
>>>>plummeted.
>>>>Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,
>>>>"Hit the
>>>>floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of
>>>>quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on
>>>>the
>>>>elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She
>>>>heard
>>>>one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
>>>>floor
>>>>you're going to, we'll push the button."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
>>>>He was
>>>>trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her
>>>>head and
>>>>looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.
>>>>Confused, she
>>>>struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the
>>>>floor,"
>>>>said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
>>>>elevator
>>>>button for our floor.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke
>>>>genially. He
>>>>bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
>>>>laughing. The
>>>>woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She
>>>>was too
>>>>humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
>>>>words failed
>>>>her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
>>>>for
>>>>behaving as though they were going to rob you?
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the
>>>>strewn
>>>>quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at
>>>>her floor,
>>>>they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a
>>>>little
>>>>unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she mightn't make it
>>>>down the
>>>>corridor.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>At her door, they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her
>>>>room,
>>>>she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to
>>>>the
>>>>elevator.
>>>>The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and
>>>>went
>>>>downstairs for dinner with her husband.
>>>>
>>>>The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen
>>>>roses.
>>>>Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The card said:
>>>>" Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>It was signed; Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 11th, 2006 at 10:21 PM
The artist
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery in
>>Washington, D C, was staring at a portrait that had them completely
>>confused. The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men
>>sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one
>>in the middle had a pink penis.
>>
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
>>interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
>>nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
>>emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly
>>white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious
>>art critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and
>>sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary
>>society."
>>
After the curator left, an Irishman approached
the couple and said,
>>"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now
>>why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
>>gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the artist who painted
>>it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans
depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
>>
> The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 13th, 2006 at 11:37 AM
white rabbit
white rabbit
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 13th, 2006 at 12:03 PM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly
neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So
you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to
the woman. The
woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands
it back to the man
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 14th, 2006 at 06:27 PM
It was the first day of school and a new student
named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar,
who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, in 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863"
said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more! about history than you do."
She (the teacher) heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?"
she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, in 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.
" The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, in
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, in 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, in 2001." The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh shit, we're f**ked!" And Chandrashekhar said quietly whispered,
"George Bush, Iraq, in 2005."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
mackaymanx
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Quote of the week
"Do I wish to send them to you again, nope, no interest can't be bothered really, to much hassle for little or no return."
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posted on June 17th, 2006 at 12:18 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he as
ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No,
I'm your son's math's teacher."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on June 19th, 2006 at 11:39 PM
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely People, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied,
without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you."Tray-up, Bitch."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 7th, 2006 at 11:52 AM
Doesn't anyone proof read anymore ???
HEADLINES OF 2005:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!! ]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Finally...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 10th, 2006 at 10:52 AM
Subject: Fw: Great news.
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breasts!
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 11th, 2006 at 02:22 PM
I hope you like this one Penguin..........
Military Language Conversion Chart
For your information!
NAVY - ARMY - AIR FORCE
Heads - Latrine - Powder Room
Rack - Bunk - Queen bed electric blanket & doona
Cafe / SCRAN Hall - Mess Hall / Mess Tent - Dining Facility
Pussers Cook - Mess Cook - Contract Chef
Brew - Coffee - Vanilla Skim Latte' with a bickie
Limers / Goffa - Cordial/Can'o'drink - Shirley Temple
W9's/Coveralls - BDUs /DPCUs - Casual Attire
Seaman - Private - Bobby / Jimmy
Chief - WO2 - Timothy / Justin
Captain / Skipper - Colone - Rupert / James
The Table(chooks) - Article 15 - Time Out
Mess/Onboard - Barracks - Self contained Apartment
Dirps/Trolleys - Underwear - Knickers
Thrown in the Brig - Put in Confinement - Grounded
W1's/ Ceremonials - Cero's -Bus Conductors Uniform
Lid / Cap - Beret/Head Gear - Optional
AFT Stores - PX (PX Trailer) - Westfields Shopping Mall
Hammered - Pissed - Oops / little tipsy.
Deployment/ Detachment - Deploy - Huh?
Runners - Athletic Shoes - Moccasin's
Die for your Country - Die for your Battle Buddy - Die for Air Conditioning
Shipmate/Oppo/Besty - Battle Buddy/digge - Honey/Babe/Pookie
Terminate / Contact - Take Out - Back on Base for Nuck Night
Boiler Boots - Jump Boots - Ugh Boots
Pussers Sandals - JC Sandals - Patent Leather Stelletos
SEAL - SAS - LIBRARIAN
Shore Patrol - MPs - Shaparone's
Oouh-Rah! - Hoo-ah! - Hip-Hip hurray! Jolly Good
Hot Packs - Rations - Al a Carte
Salute - Salute - Wave
Obstacle Course - Confidence Course - Typing Course
Parade Drill/Parade Ground - Drill Practice/Parade Field - What?
Canteen - Snack Bar - Happy meal
PFT - APFT -Smoko Ping Pong Comps
Chief Swain - RSM - OIC Cuddles
Midshipman - Cadet - Debutant
Jack Tar - AJ - RAAFY Chappy
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on July 11th, 2006 at 02:38 PM
You know you're too old to gig when...
It becomes more important to find a place for your box fan, than
your amp.
You refuse to play out of tune.
Your fans have left by 10:30 PM.
All you want from groupies is a foot massage.
Your after show party is at Burger King.
You can't play more than 1 hour without taking a piss.
You use the elevator because you can sing along to most of your play
list.
You hire band mates for their values instead of their talent.
Instead of a fifth member, you want to hire a roady.
You lost the directions to the gig (which you got from Mapquest).
You need your glasses to adjust your amp.
You're thrilled to have New Year's off.
The waitress is your daughter.
You stop the set because your Ibuprofen fell behind the monitor.
Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
You no longer use a tip jar.
You refuse to play without earplugs.
Fat chicks are starting to look OK.
You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 10:30.
Your gig stool must have a back.
You're related to at least one of the band members.
You don't let anyone "sit in".
Your wife doesn't care what time you get home anymore.
During breaks you go lay down in the van.
You prefer a music stand with a light.
You sold your Les Paul because it's too heavy.
You can't get your Fender Twin Reverb out of your basement.
