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posted on July 11th, 2006 at 05:09 PM
What came after Napoleon's armies?
Napoleon's handies
pete wood
A.k.a.: figure itout
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posted on July 11th, 2006 at 05:27 PM
Oasis, I've been wearing earplugs during gigs for years. I find it's a good way of filtering out all those other distracting sounds....guitar,
saxophone, piano, singers.
BTW, this so true,
Quote:
You can't get your
Fender Twin Reverb out of your basement.
It takes a few years for all the youthful exercise and amphetamines to wear off, then you just can't lift the dang things anymore.
Am I the only one that just had to try it. Its mad. Attach some lego wheels and it flys outta sight....nice work.
Loves a lolcat
Oasis
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posted on July 11th, 2006 at 06:54 PM
Subject: Tuesday tickle tempered with the female gender in mind lovingly
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on July 11th, 2006 at 07:24 PM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "I need Help, I think I'm a moth!"
The doctor says, "You don't need me, you need to see a psychiatrist"
The man says, "I was on the way there but your light was on..."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on July 18th, 2006 at 04:07 PM
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you
pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
_dmb_
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posted on July 20th, 2006 at 02:26 PM
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse"
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey this looks like yours"
...
"I don't remember much after that"
sinecure
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posted on July 21st, 2006 at 12:35 AM
Priest: "Mick, you have to give up your drinking, smoking, gambling and wicked ways"
Mick: "It's too late for me, Father"
Priest: "It's never too late, my son"
Mick: "Well then, there's no hurry, is there?"
A POSSE AD ESSE.
I live in my own little world, but it's okay, they know me here.
buzzbug
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posted on July 21st, 2006 at 09:56 PM
Subject: Pilots and Maintenance crew
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the maintenance solutions recorded
(marked with an M) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.
(Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs, and for
all of us who recognise that a degree does not confer common sense, or the ability to communicate
effectively.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ..................
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
Joel
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The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at theentrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and theattributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from
a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely goodlooking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous andhelp with the housework. "Oh, mercy
me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: . Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and
have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.....
Oasis
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posted on July 23rd, 2006 at 04:07 AM
Subject: Tuesday tickle tempered with the female gender in mind lovingly
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on July 24th, 2006 at 08:45 PM
>>I thought you might get a little chuckle out of this
>>>>
>>>> THE LIFE OF AN ITALIAN CHILD.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every
>>>>day for an
>>>> >entire year after a funeral.
>>>> >
>>>> >You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for
>>>>lunch was
>>>> >pronounced "sangwich."
>>>> >
>>>> >Your family dog understood Italian.
>>>> >
>>>> >Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting
>>>>your
>>>> >grandparents and extended family.
>>>> >
>>>> >You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into
>>>>50 square
>>>>feet
>>>> >of yard during a family cookout.
>>>> >
>>>> >You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat
>>>>three meals
>>>>day,
>>>> >not seven.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought killing the pig each year and having salami,
>>>>capacollo,
>>>> >pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed
>>>>ceiling was
>>>> >absolutely normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and
>>>>every
>>>>Sunday.
>>>> >
>>>> >You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price
>>>>and that
>>>>the
>>>> >price of everything was negotiable through haggling.
>>>> >
>>>> >You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the
>>>>ankles.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your mum's main hobby is cleaning.
>>>> >
>>>> >You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in
>>>>stores.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought that everyone made their own bottled tomato
>>>>sauce.
>>>> >
>>>> >You never knew what to expect when you opened the margarine,
>>>>after all
>>>>you
>>>> >thought washing out and reusing margarine containers was
>>>>normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that
>>>>matter.
>>>> >
>>>> >You ate your salad after the main course.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread
>>>>in your
>>>>left
>>>> >hand.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your grandmother never threw anything away, you thought
>>>>seeing washed
>>>> >plastic bags hanging on the clothes line was normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You learned to play scopa before you went to school.
>>>> >
>>>> >You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.
>>>> >
>>>> >All of your uncles fought in a World War.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe
>>>>or Louie.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have relatives you don't speak to.
>>>> >
>>>> >You drank wine before you were a teenager.
>>>> >
>>>> >You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the
>>>>Sopranos.
>>>> >
>>>> >You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch
>>>>of dirt
>>>>that
>>>> >didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on
>>>>plastic.
>>>> >Wait! You were sitting on plastic.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought that talking loud was normal.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at
>>>>all
>>>>weddings.
>>>> >
>>>> >You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money
>>>>stuffed in
>>>>their
>>>> >pockets by their relatives.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family
>>>>no matter
>>>>what
>>>> >their age.
>>>> >
>>>> >There was a crucifix in every room of the house, including
>>>>the cellar.
>>>> >
>>>> >Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work.
>>>> >
>>>> >You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your
>>>>father. (oh,
>>>>and
>>>> >he has to be Italian)
>>>> >
>>>> >You know what granita is.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your Christmas tree was silver.
>>>> >
>>>> >You called pasta macaroni.
>>>> >
>>>> >You have at least one irrational fear or phobia that can be
>>>>attributed
>>>>to
>>>> >your mother.
>>>> >
>>>> >Your father is either a gardener, builder or mechanic.
>>>> >
>>>> >You dreaded taking out your lunch at school, you would pray
>>>>that you
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on July 28th, 2006 at 12:31 PM
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store,
and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said,
"Did you see the guy that did it?" She said,
"No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said,
"No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag
over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons
to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss
in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,
when I was born the Dr. slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Go omba.
He asked if I had this before? I said yes.
He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window
and got arrested for mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear
the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook,
in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on July 29th, 2006 at 04:49 PM
These were on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the responses of the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattle snake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 5th, 2006 at 05:00 PM
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to
all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady
a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her,but down at the end
of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed " Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to
the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Paddy, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 5th, 2006 at 05:02 PM
THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2005:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[ That'll stop 'em. ]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!! ]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on August 8th, 2006 at 03:08 PM
First American to grasp irony!
No offence to those US people out there!
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London
and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it
great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two
children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks
and I burned them and I said: "Hey, great weather."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on August 9th, 2006 at 06:09 PM
50,000 Collingwood Fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not
stupid" Convention.
Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to all of Australia that
Collingwood Fans are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer."
Chris Tarrant gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to
the
stage.
Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Chris says, "Eighteen!".
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 50,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER
CHANCE!
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of
you
in one place and we have the Australian press and broadcast media here,
I
think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh
everyone is disheartened.
Chris starts crying and the 50,000 Collingwood Fans begin to yell and
wave
their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER
CHANCE!"
Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,
eventually
says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance.
What is two plus two?" Chris closes his eyes, and after a whole minute
eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000
Collingwood
fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and
scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
Oasis
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posted on August 15th, 2006 at 12:03 PM
Surgeon General's new warning
The Centre for Disease Control have issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through
dangerous and high-risk behaviour. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include:
anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new
information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado,
uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behaviour.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
This disease also travelled to Australia and mutated into what is known here as Jaundice E2, pronounced 'john does it too' which also makes you turn
yellow and lie constantly to avoid accountability and responsibility and just do whatever you like. It is most prevalent in Canberra and the
Australian Capital Territory though it has far ranging effects across the continent. It is especially dangerous to Indigenous populations, migrants,
workers and treasurers.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazeer
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posted on August 15th, 2006 at 03:21 PM
A Teacher was doing a taste test study for Lifesavers. She gave each of her first-graders the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to
identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
Red taste like, cherry
Yellow taste like, lemon
Green taste like lime
Orange taste like, orange
After the first test of the fruit flavored Lifesavers, the Teacher gave them an all new honey flavored Lifesaver. After sucking on them for a few
moments, none of the children could identify the taste. Well, She said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may call your father
sometimes.
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled out..................
QUICK! everybody spit them out - they're assholes!
Bizarre
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posted on August 21st, 2006 at 11:47 AM
Aussie Computer Speak
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonalds.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
Futue te ipsum!!!
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
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posted on August 21st, 2006 at 12:06 PM
Subject: Good, better, best
GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot
to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the
problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted
sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his c ar speeding through an automated
radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State
Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He
replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed
his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to
start her car.
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
amazeer
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posted on August 22nd, 2006 at 03:03 PM
A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....
I was in Coles buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
amazeer
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posted on August 22nd, 2006 at 05:12 PM
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and
shouted into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled
the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F***ING
talking to, you F***ING idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly
"Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone
amazeer
A.k.a.: Surly Duff
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posted on August 25th, 2006 at 10:53 AM
As you may already know, famous 70's Rock Star Ted (the Sledge) Nugent owns
a large wild game ranch in Michigan and is an avid hunter.........
Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked "What
do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it?
Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it "Are you the one who killed my
brother?~"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care
about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and
can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in
that way."
Oasis
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posted on August 30th, 2006 at 09:51 AM
Subject: Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"At this point Mommy cut him off and
said, "Johnny, this is such a interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."! At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral for women: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt.
[ Edited on 30-8-2006 by Oasis ]
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazeer
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posted on August 30th, 2006 at 04:32 PM
Midlife crisis
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa
bed.
Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life
crisis ..............
Wild1
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posted on September 3rd, 2006 at 09:19 PM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is
produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body
to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head
before it starves to
death!
(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a
hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to
its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping
the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality
over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than
left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Oasis
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posted on September 5th, 2006 at 11:57 AM
ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and
AFL stands for Australian Football League
Does the following apply to the ARL OR AFL?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse,
7 have been arrested for fraud,
19 have been accused of writing bad checks,
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses,
3 have done time for assault,
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad
credit,
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last
year,
Can you guess which organization this is?
Neither, it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN
FEDERAL PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA!
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of
new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in
line.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
ColumBUS
A.k.a.: The Liquid Chef
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posted on September 5th, 2006 at 07:11 PM
>>... geez, I'm not breaking this one!
>>
>>A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid
>>schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send
>>this e-mail to 9 of your Friends
>>
>>INSTRUCTIONS.
>>
>>Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget
>>some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the
>>top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list,
>>and you will receive
>>823,542 women through the post.
>>
>>Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
>>
>>0.5 Miss Worlds
>>
>>2.5 Models
>>
>>463 Wild nymphos
>>
>>3,234 Good-looking nymphos
>>
>>20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
>>
>>40,198 Bi-sexual women.
>>
>>In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
>>inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And,
>>best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of
>>those that come back at you.
>>
>>DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
>>
>>One bloke for example who sent a letter to only 5 instead of 9 of
>>his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing
>>gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
>>accusatorial _expression on her face. On the same day, the
>>international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off
>>his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom
>>he had not sent the chain letter).
>>
>>While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place
>>above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital
>>suffering from exhaustion.
>>
>>Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
>>
>>YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL. This is a unique opportunity to
>>achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no
>>lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest
>>women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant
>>surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send
>>this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
>>
>>P.S. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum
>>cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use
>>it.
>>
>>P.P.S. - This chain letter can also be copied to women you know so
>>that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure they may
>>soon undertake.
