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posted on September 9th, 2006 at 03:04 AM
If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, his point of view may tickle you a bit. He is a famous and erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
To say the least, his mind sees things differently than most of us.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
8 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
10 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
11 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
13 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
14 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
15 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
16 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
17 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
20 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
22 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
24 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
25 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
26 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
27 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
28 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on September 17th, 2006 at 05:23 PM
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from
Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputy's expense.
Deputy says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the
deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap
out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazeer
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posted on September 20th, 2006 at 10:32 AM
Eight Words with Two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-Kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-U-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through every channel every 5 minutes
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posted on September 20th, 2006 at 10:34 AM
Good comeback
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and
the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My god!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
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posted on September 20th, 2006 at 07:59 PM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with
us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was
a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck,"
so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking
Chihuahua?!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazeer
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posted on September 26th, 2006 at 09:28 AM
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to
good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone
stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!
====================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???" They Walk among us!!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the
call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!!!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving". They Walk Among Us!!!!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They
Walk Among Us!!!!!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among
Us!!!!!!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head
is turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane
arrived yet?".. They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to
eat 6 pieces.
buzzbug
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posted on October 4th, 2006 at 05:55 PM
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.....
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence....
"Well, stop f**king doing it then.......!"
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on October 4th, 2006 at 08:35 PM
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
ColumBUS
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posted on October 5th, 2006 at 01:31 AM
a Girls Diary VS Boys Diary...
GIRL:
Dear Diary;
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought
it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem to be himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or
to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he
just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a
sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't dollow me up, but later he did, and I was suprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think he was
going to leave me, and that he had found somebody else.
I cried myself to sleep...
BOY:
Dear Diary;
Wallabies lost to New Zealand.
Had sex though.
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posted on October 7th, 2006 at 10:30 AM
The 90 year old:
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...I have an
18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella
instead of this gun by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went
"bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "Well, of course, somebody else shot the beaver."
To which the doctor replied "My point exactly".
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 9th, 2006 at 01:48 PM
A guy with one black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black
eyes - mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy replies, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue
twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this
gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts was there. So,
instead of saying I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I
accidentally said, I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh, so she
socked me a good one."
"Wow!" the first guy replied. "This is unbelievable. Mine was a
tongue twister too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to
say to my wife, please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey. But I
accidentally said, you've ruined my life you evil bitch!"
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posted on October 9th, 2006 at 04:04 PM
An Oldie but a goodie!
A Matter of Sex
possibly by Dave Barry
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts. They have a pretty good time. A few nights later, he
asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that,
as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gosh, I wonder if it bothers him that I
said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Wow, six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward.... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's
why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
crummy garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Oh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to care about me, a person who is in pain
because of my self-centered, schoolgirl, romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty! I'll take their warranty and stick it....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have said ... Oh, I feel
so...." She breaks down sobbing.
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight; I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine asks.
"No!" says Roger. He's glad he finally knows the correct answer.
"It's just that ... that ... I need some more time," Elaine says.
There is a long pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks
might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she asks.
"What way?" asks Roger.
"That way, about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a
horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn. Roger, in the meantime, gets back to his place,
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never
heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure that
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding
world hunger.)
The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with Elaine's brother, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Bill, did Elaine ever own a
horse?"
A VW for everyone!!
1972 1302 German Look
1971 Bay Panel with Subaru EJ20T
1970 Type 3 squareback in progress
1971 Type 3 notchback in progress
Oasis
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posted on October 9th, 2006 at 04:22 PM
That is f'n brilliant.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 14th, 2006 at 10:52 AM
An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after
an all night drinking binge.
The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the
typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.
But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two
wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.
The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his wishes.
With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to
his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his
back.
The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before
> >> smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan
> >> thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given
> >> he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the
> >> wip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully
> >> endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
> >>
> >> The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under
> >> his breath about a bullshit penalty.
> >>
> >> "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40."
> >> There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan
are
> >> a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong
> >> fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany
> >> 2006.
> >>
> >> The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration -
> >> obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.
> >>
> >> The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.
> >> "Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 19th, 2006 at 05:05 PM
Old Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's is going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money-back.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 22nd, 2006 at 11:43 AM
"There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 23rd, 2006 at 11:46 AM
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 23rd, 2006 at 11:52 AM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or Mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in
some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a
comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist
yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Joel
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1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to
avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
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posted on October 23rd, 2006 at 11:25 PM
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
____________ ___
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ ________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________ _________ _________ _________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
____________ ___ ______ _________ __
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________ _________ _________ _________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________ _________ _________ _________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sur e enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 24th, 2006 at 12:16 AM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
he lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry,
lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the
heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua ? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua ?
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 24th, 2006 at 02:51 PM
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
*The first surgeon says:*
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
*The second responds: *
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color
coded."
*The third surgeon says:*
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is
in alphabetical order."
*The fourth surgeon chimes in:*
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over."
*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:*
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's
no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and
the ass are interchangeable."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 30th, 2006 at 03:16 PM
When I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home!
I'll have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton you shirt".
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on you chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I get home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 30th, 2006 at 03:31 PM
The Bath Tub Test: It doesn't hurt to take a good, hard look at yourself from time to time, and this little test should help get you started.
During a visit to a local mental asylum, a visitor Asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
Institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub and then offer a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket to the Patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on October 31st, 2006 at 08:28 AM
A Queensland cow cockie was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD
emerges from a dust cloud.
The driver, a bloke in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bolle sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs,
"Why not?"
The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel
spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right." says the farmer.
"Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.
"Hey," muses the grazier, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?"
The man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.
"Wow! That's correct! But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle.
Now, give me back my bloody dog."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on November 1st, 2006 at 12:37 AM
Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape
a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh sh** t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on November 1st, 2006 at 12:45 AM
Afghani Women
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women
customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms.
Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and
are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that
you once tried so desperately to change?
The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation said "Land mines."
Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on November 2nd, 2006 at 11:42 PM
Slide Under The Table
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair
and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress
finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the
table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway
Majorly Busted
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long,
so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily
replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on November 8th, 2006 at 03:58 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
The disease is contracted through very dangerous and high-risk
behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced
"gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after
having been screwed for the past four years. Naturalists and
epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease
originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on November 8th, 2006 at 04:43 PM
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard..
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
