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posted on November 8th, 2006 at 04:52 PM
Fantastic Buzz....
The Dangers Of Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties every now and then - just social thinking.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself -
but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at
her Mum's.
I began to think on the job.
I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzy and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with my Manager. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower
lip aquiver. "You think as much as University lecturers, and University lecturers don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have
any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional
drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the car park with the ABC on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a Poster
caught my eye, "Is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I
never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Border Security: Australia's Front Line." Then we
share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed .... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I made the final step, and joined the Liberal Party.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on November 8th, 2006 at 04:55 PM
One Day In Faluijiah
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he
yelled back that George Bush is a good-for-nothing, illiterate, red neck,
turkey fucker!
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited
lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Condoleezza Rice!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on December 18th, 2006 at 08:04 PM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he
receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a
Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasised his disability, so
he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he
received another parcel:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.
The man is furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his
wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really
rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from
the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your back side and go as a
toffee apple
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on December 18th, 2006 at 08:06 PM
Two guys in a bar
Two buddies, Hank and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Hank says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a
bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My
God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t o slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he
had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry
sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants too"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Joel
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"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just
have to shout Warren, YER DINNER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW and
they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the blonde girl... "I just use their surnames"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazeer
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posted on December 28th, 2006 at 02:35 PM
Pet monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs
some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table
and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he
sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats
everything in sight, sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The
guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass
that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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posted on December 30th, 2006 at 03:48 PM
If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of
2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington , D.C. , is 80.6 per 100,000 for the
same period.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in
the U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in
the nation, than you are in Iraq .
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington .
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 4th, 2007 at 10:40 AM
As a teacher, Ms. Jones was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick,
what do you do at Christmas time?", she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me & my twelve brothers & sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very
late & we put mince pies by the back door & hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed & wait for Father Christmas to come with all our
toys".
"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, me & my sister also go to Church with Mum & Dad and we sing carols & we get home ever so late. We put cookies & milk by the chimney
& we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus', Then we all go to the Bahamas."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on January 7th, 2007 at 10:31 AM
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against
a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe..
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid
you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally: An East Texas couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The
doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of
every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and neither of them could speak Spanish.
IrishNorman
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posted on January 25th, 2007 at 02:58 PM
Quote:
Originally
posted by DUB74L
You know your a redneck when
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally: An East Texas couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The
doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of
every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and neither of them could speak Spanish.
number 3 is just disturbing... :P
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states
that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith........ the midget."
-Joel
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posted on February 5th, 2007 at 04:24 PM
Amazing Italian
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in
the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off
on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing
his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his
pants
and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The
crowd
went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the
show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know
something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch
from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be".
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Twokombies
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posted on February 5th, 2007 at 04:51 PM
An American decided to write a book
about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way
across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone
he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC,
Philadelphia, Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to
AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first
church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time
the sign under it read "40 cents per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest
about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've
seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it
is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per
call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered,
"You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!
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posted on February 5th, 2007 at 04:57 PM
Very good :-)
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 9th, 2007 at 10:44 AM
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted
with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "Me"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 9th, 2007 at 01:07 PM
He sits at the drums and the band leader says, "Can you play a samba pattern with your bass drum?"
The drummer obliges with a boob b boom samba pattern. The leader then asks "can you add a Mozambique cowbell pattern along with that with your
right
hand?"
The drummer thinks "I can do that, no problem" and obliges, giving it his best Steve Gadd possible. He is then told, "Now add a 2-3 clave with
your
left foot on hihat" ..The drummer's struggling a little but gets it happening . Next he hears "Now add a cascara pattern on the snare with your
left hand." Years of studying Gary Chester and listening to world music finally come to fruition and the relieved drummer finds he can play the
whole pattern with no problem.
Pleased with himself, he asks the band leader "So, do I get the job?
"No " says the bandleader "that's why we fired the last guy!!"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on February 9th, 2007 at 04:04 PM
The priest in a small Irish village so loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant.
Has any body seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"..............
Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant.
What I really really mean is,
Has anybody seen MY cock?" ...............
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on February 9th, 2007 at 04:14 PM
Aussie generosity .
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Vietnam .
Two million Vietnamese have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The European community (except France ) is sending money.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Vietnamese.
God Bless Our Aussie generosity.
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
KruizinKombi
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posted on February 13th, 2007 at 12:44 PM
A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no
price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him
down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him
grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbour. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions and they
were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the
Harbour as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, your'e bringing it back!
"Actually no" said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Muslim over there." :-)
Poor "Little" Osama
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.
There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I
helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration
to pen the Declaration of Independence!"
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing! in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. !
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you up here. What did you think I said?"
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich
Golf Funnies
*** A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you
want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
______________
*** A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing
golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
______________
*** A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the
golf course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
______________
*** A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8--iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8--iron and puts his ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7--iron and dribbles the ball a few yards.
The young man says,"I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
______________
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an
extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
"We call it hitting 3"
______________
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5--iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your
husband?"
"Yes", says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know...five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
Two missionaries in Papua New Guinea get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire
under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!
He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
*****Heard on a Flight *****
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more."
Whad’ya Get?
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac,
and the exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What did he get?" "Fifteen years for theft."
Thoughts on Life
This was erroneously attributed to Andy Rooney. Nonetheless, it is worthwhile reading
1. My Thoughts on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
2. My Thoughts on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
3. My Thoughts on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April
Fresh scent out of your clothes.
4. My Thoughts on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
5. My Thoughts on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests.
My Thoughts on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I
hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the love." BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the infectious disease clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
How to Get A Good Night Sleep
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "
Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut
him up in no time" said Dave.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave
him a kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
The End Is Near!
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now
before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge
Out' instead?"
More Travel Funnies
1. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city
code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
2. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of these stupid planes have numbers on them.
3. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
4. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."
5. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent
asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus
anywhere."
The customer retorted," Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Kruizin Kol
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>>> If the England cricket team wasn't touring we'd never see ducks.
>>> The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
>>> We're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke
>>> You're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
>>> The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.
>>> Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.
>>> I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
>>> We are having to hand feed the rocking horse.
>>> Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard lie, it
was so they could walk to Australia.
>>> Everyone is now an expert - because you can't find anyone who is wet
behind the ears.
>>> All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.
>>> I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
>>> All the Baptists have become Anglicans.
>>> When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring her
around.
>>> I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
>>> All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.
>>> Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.
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posted on February 20th, 2007 at 10:36 AM
Bill Clinton:
This comes from a black comedian on a Canadian TV show:
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now, Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this
week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he
is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's
finest leaders: integrity, vision and truthfulness.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the
truth that best suits me , the whole truth, as I want it to be and
nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
KruizinKombi
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posted on February 20th, 2007 at 01:15 PM
I know we don't usually post pictures in this thread, but this one was too good to re-type. If this was in Australia, I'd ring him and see how far I
could squeeze the price down - a potential bargain in the making!
[ Edited on 20-2-2007 by KruizinKombi ]
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Kruizin Kol
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posted on February 20th, 2007 at 04:38 PM
New Words for 2007
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking cr@p.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and
Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the cr@p out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -
needless
paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSH!T.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McSh!t with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in
your
bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
Got 4 buttocks.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on February 24th, 2007 at 11:55 AM
Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him,
"tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the
driveway, and took the box into the house.
She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
buzzbug
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posted on February 25th, 2007 at 05:57 PM
Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer
the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and
demonstrated this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.
The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On
the Road Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.
Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great
awesome songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great
Stone's hits.
But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but
luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.
I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"
Guess what !!
Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ...."
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*
some people are like slinky's
they have no useful purpose
but they are fun to watch
when you push them down the stairs
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posted on March 1st, 2007 at 12:22 PM
Subject: Dentist
>>
>> A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
>> They get along so well that they decide to go to the
>> girl's place.
>> A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
>> washes his hands.
>> He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands
>> again.
>> The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be
>> a dentist."
>> The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure
>> that out?"
>> "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
>> One thing led to another and they make love.
>> After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a
>> good dentist."
>> The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a
>> good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
>> "Didn't feel a thing!"
>>
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on March 1st, 2007 at 12:32 PM
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure
He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married. .
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was
a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there
was work to do.
AMEN
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on March 13th, 2007 at 10:28 PM
DON'T TEASE OLD LADIES
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
----------------------------------------------
My first job was working in an orange juice factory ,but i got canned...couldnt concentrate.
Then i worked in the woods as a lumberjack , but i couldnt hack it, so they gave me the axe. next i tried working in a muffler factory ,but it was too
exhausting .
I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway i sliced it , I couldnt cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician , but eventually i found i wasnt noteworthy enough .
Next was a job in a shoe factory ,i tried but i just didnt fit in .
I became a professional fisherman but discovered that i couldnt survive on my net income.
So then i got a job in a workout centre ,but they said i wasnt fit for the job .
Finally i got a job as a historian until i realized there was no future in it .
