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posted on March 14th, 2007 at 09:06 AM
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by
drinking enough beer, men develop female characteristics.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
rose
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doin it for d girls
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posted on March 14th, 2007 at 04:35 PM
1.
I don't understand. After our last child was born, my wife told me we had
to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up
anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, get stuffed, that's what the beer was for!"
2.
While I was watching a football game last weekend, my wife and I got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some stupid machine and
taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
It's really tough being married to a smartarse......
[ Edited on 14-3-2007 by rose ]
[img][/img]
KruizinKombi
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posted on March 27th, 2007 at 03:48 PM
THE 1ST AFFAIR: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell
asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his
shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary - we
had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
THE 2ND AFFAIR: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was
horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
THE 3RD AFFAIR: A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with
such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to
show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
THE 4TH AFFAIR: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She
rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's
this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one
for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and
a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing."
THE 5TH AFFAIR: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed
the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with
your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
THE 6TH AFFAIR: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need
to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on March 28th, 2007 at 11:09 AM
Q. Two Warilla-ites jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a Warilla girl use as protection during sex
A. A Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a Warilla Boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Warilla-ite cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a Warilla girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from Warilla on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Warilla quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Warilla Blokes in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. What do you say to a Warilla-ite with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.
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posted on March 29th, 2007 at 10:11 AM
THE OBEDIENT WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my
money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
after
life with me." And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her
heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket
with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with
her, she
came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,"
Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him
that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account
and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on March 29th, 2007 at 11:11 AM
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
____________ ___
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ ________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________ _________ _________ _________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
____________ ___ ______ _________ __
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elder ly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________ _________ _________ _________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________ _________ _________ _________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
An swering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
____________ _________ _________ _________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sur e enou gh, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US !!!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on March 29th, 2007 at 11:15 AM
New Right to Counsel for accused persons, amendments to take effect
immediately
NEW RIGHTS TO COUNSEL FOR ACCUSED PERSONS:
I am arresting you for_____________________(read the charge directly from the Criminal Code
It is my duty to inform you that you have the right to retain and instruct counsel without delay. You have the right to telephone any lawyer you
wish. You also have the right to free advice from a Legal Aid Lawyer @ 1-800-265-0451.
It is my duty to ask you if you are feeling depressed about your current arrest. 1-800-265-0452 is a toll free number which will put you in contact
with a duty psychologist for personal crisis counselling.
It is also my duty to ask you if all is well with your family and your pets at home. 1-800-265-0453 is a toll free number that will put you in touch
with a duty veterinarian for free advice in relation to the health of your pets.
It is also my duty to ask how your vehicle is running? I have a list of reasonably priced mechanics who will inspect your vehicle at your
convenience.
It is also my duty to ask if you are hungry at this time? If so, I will purchase something to eat for you at a restaurant of your choice because your
welfare is my highest priority.
It is my duty to inform you that 1-800-265-0454 is a toll free number that will put you in contact with an Information Hotline for free advice on any
matter that you might be concerned with at this time.
It is also my duty to inform you that this arrest will be considered unlawful by the courts. 1-800-265-0455 is a toll free number that will put you in
contact with the Police Complaints Commission. If you are not satisfied with the action taken by the Police Complaints Commission you have the right
to contact the Human Rights Commission.
You should be aware that if you contact either of these Commissions while you are in custody or detention, you may be asked to prepare, and present a
brief report which details how you have been subjected to racist, sexist, and homophobic behaviour on the part of Police and Correctional staff.
Do you understand? Do you wish to call a lawyer, psychologist, veterinarian, mechanic, Information Hotline, BC Police Complaints Commission, near
relative, or other interested party?
and finally.................................
Do you wish to drive the police cruiser to the Jail yourself?
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
amazeer
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posted on April 2nd, 2007 at 11:35 AM
Years ago Randy and Max were out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Max says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Randy continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
amazeer
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posted on April 3rd, 2007 at 04:50 PM
This will make your heart melt!!!
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and
inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood
out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look
on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As
they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large
bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly,
all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
amazeer
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posted on April 18th, 2007 at 10:13 AM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the
priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, awhile back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn
in Hell, right ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
amazeer
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posted on May 17th, 2007 at 09:14 AM
3 brazillians killed in Iraq
scary thing is that it could easily be a true story.
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
Oasis
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posted on May 29th, 2007 at 12:06 PM
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on June 14th, 2007 at 12:46 AM
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they' re too tired to continue, and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When
they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00! When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel
is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on June 23rd, 2007 at 11:11 AM
careful what you wish for
A man comes into a restruant wih a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
> > >
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
> > >
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment
> > >
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
> > >
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches
into his pocket and pays with exact change.
> > >
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the
waitress.
> > >
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
> > >
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62."
> > >
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
> > >
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
> > >
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
> > >
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.
> > >
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
> > >
"That's brilliant!" says the
waitress. "Most people would ask for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as
you live!"
> > >
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
> > >
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
> >
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on June 23rd, 2007 at 01:48 PM
There are always two ways to look at everything,
I guess.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think
a person could go on celebrating that long?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
rose
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doin it for d girls
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posted on June 25th, 2007 at 04:04 PM
This is how you deal with lazy police
[img][/img]
ian.mezz
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posted on June 25th, 2007 at 07:18 PM
strategic plan finalised to remove pasha bulka!!! off Newcastle beach[TO BE CLASSIFIED]
car forums. where a lot of peoples good intentions end up taking a good old car off the road forever never ever to see the road again.
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posted on June 26th, 2007 at 10:27 AM
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded.
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two English men and one English woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry and
have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because
it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman
will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do,
how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why
didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them
all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of
freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
Oasis
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posted on June 26th, 2007 at 10:35 AM
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.
2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.
3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.
4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women do not know each other.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 12:54 PM
Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... And what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... After all, she stuck by me durin' the drought.
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 12:57 PM
Subject: WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
*WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST? *
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." *
The Nun fainted.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:00 PM
s*x in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after
20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a
wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...
a vibrat*r! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:01 PM
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in
common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:04 PM
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?"
he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the
cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy
presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.............................................
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:06 PM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his
predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP,
and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What
a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WAbutton. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the
PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was
more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he
knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last
thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:08 PM
The Hormone Guide: Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy
guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some wine.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:14 PM
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:17 PM
A man decides to take up golf, so joins a club, and is escorted out onto the fairway by the resident pro teacher.
Well, what should I do?", asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the
good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and
said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the Club way too hard." *
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP! - - - the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your
hands..."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:26 PM
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't
you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for
accuracy, right?)
The words 'race car,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were
going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting
this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say
a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time or 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on July 12th, 2007 at 01:27 PM
Worth the read be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening, customer service, being what it
is today.
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to ANZ:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ:
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure."
(fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
ANZ: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ: "That might help."
Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery,
1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
posted on June 25th, 2007 at 07:18 PM
