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posted on July 17th, 2007 at 11:52 AM
Larry gets home late one night.
His wife, Linda, says: "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned.
"What kind of tattoo did You Get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would a financial planner/accountant get a Hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
Well, one: I like to watch my money grow..
Two: once in a While I like to play with my money.
Three: I like how money feels in My Hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 10:13 AM
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
**"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. " -- Oscar Wilde
*"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
*Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
*"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde*
*Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied,
"Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"*
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 10:15 AM
Encyclopedias For Sale
For Sale:
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:08 PM
Europe Raises Security Levels
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:08 PM
Bear Warning
>The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and
>fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in
the field.
>
>They advise that campers wear noisy little bells on their clothing so
as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.
>
>They also advise campers to carry pepper spray with them in case of an
>encounter with a bear.
>
>It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
>
>Campers should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear dung.
>
>Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel
fur.
>
>Grizzly bear dung is larger and has little bells in it and smells like
>pepper spray.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:09 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things
people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:11 PM
careful what you wish for
A man comes into a restruant wih a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
> > >
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
> > >
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment
> > >
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
> > >
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches
into his pocket and pays with exact change.
> > >
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the
waitress.
> > >
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
> > >
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62."
> > >
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
> > >
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
> > >
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
> > >
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.
> > >
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
> > >
"That's brilliant!" says the
waitress. "Most people would ask for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as
you live!"
> > >
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
> > >
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
> >
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:12 PM
As a teacher, Ms. Jones was very curious about how
> each of her students
> celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick
> Murphy. "Tell me
> Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?", she
> asked.
>
> Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me &
> my twelve bro thers &
> sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns,
> then we come home
> very
> late & we put mince pies by the back door & hang up
> our stockings. Then
> all excited we go to bed & wait for Father Christmas
> to come with all
> our
> toys".
>
> "Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown
> what do you do at
> Christmas?"
>
> "Well, Ms. Jones, me & my sister also go to
Church
> with Mum & Dad and we
> sing carols & we get home ever so late. We put
> cookies & milk by the
>
chimney & we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep,
> waiting for Santa
> Claus to bring our presents."
>
> Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and
> not wanting to leave
> him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac
> Cohen, what do you do
> at Christmas?"
>
> Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.
> Dad comes home from
> the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then
> we drive to his toy
> factory. When we get inside, we look at all the
> empty shelves and begin
> to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we
> all go to the
> Bahamas."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:13 PM
Its getting ugly
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient
results, cab drivers will be next, followed by AOL & Dell customer service reps."
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:14 PM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up..
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs, the
warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs,
the warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why yes, Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:16 PM
The Prodigal Daughters Return!
>>
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
>>father cursed her.
>>
>>Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
>>line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
>>thru?
>>
>>The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
>>
>>"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
>>this family."
>>
>>"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
>>coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for
>>$5 million."
>>
>>"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling
>>new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
>>membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation
>>for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
>>and...."
>>
>>Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
>>
>>Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
>>
>>"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
>>Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:17 PM
BROTHEL
>
>The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed,
>good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
>
>"May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
>"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer
>someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
>Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
>$5,000
>a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and
>gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left.
>
>The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to
see
>Valerie. Valerie explained that no
one had ever come back two nights
in a
>row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was
still
$5,000.
>
>Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
>upstairs. After an hour, he left.
>
>The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
>that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
>
>After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man
replied,
"South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South
Carolina." "I
>know," the man said. "Your father
died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
>
>The moral of the
story is that three things in life are certain:
>1. Death
>2. Taxes
>3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:17 PM
A recent survey revealed the average American walks 900 miles per year.
Another survey revealed the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.
Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.
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posted on August 1st, 2007 at 04:20 PM
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
"Tell him 'We've already got one'"
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posted on August 3rd, 2007 at 09:49 AM
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 Months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Drugstore and buys a
pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, ursing,crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room
with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can'tmarry her because of my
personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl
is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is
a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him, "You fxxx her again."
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 Months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Drugstore and buys a
pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, ursing,crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room
with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can'tmarry her because of my
personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl
is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is
a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him, "You fxxx her again."
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 3rd, 2007 at 10:07 AM
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kelvin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Kelvin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Kelvin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Kelvin showed some interest, but said he would
have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Kelvin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Wull," said Kelvin, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 01:36 PM
NATAL CURRY CONTEST
NATAL CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 01:41 PM
Over the past few weeks I have received many funny images/jokes and have
emailed them to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour.
Unfortunately, I seemed to have upset a few people and received criticism
for being sexist and shallow.
So, from now on I am only E-mailing pictures of old monuments, nature and
other cultural sights which are educational for your mind.
Here is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Toulouse , France
Error
Sorry, you must be a registered user in order to download attachments.
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 01:47 PM
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I
notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and
notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book
off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look
for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it
in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I
decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I
realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough
water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car
keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 01:54 PM
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to
Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 01:55 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until ... suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 01:58 PM
*/_Baptising A Drunk_/*
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you
ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found
Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls
him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"*
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 01:58 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 02:04 PM
A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an
overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here".
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
"WOW!!! .....that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "get your own f**king blanket!".
There was a stunned silence.
Then he farted.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 02:06 PM
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started
by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded
to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then
started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and
she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.
He whispered back, 'I found the remote.'
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 02:11 PM
Tandem Story
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" reportedly offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for
an actual class assignment.
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will
e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded
her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat
and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a
defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters
on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle
Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
As*h@le.
(Gary)
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 02:13 PM
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ........."Don't you have a vase?
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 02:17 PM
Relationship Quandry
(I can relate to this!!! )
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull
that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find
a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me
and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.
Kruizin Kol
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 02:19 PM
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 Months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Drugstore and buys a
pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, ursing,crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room
with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can'tmarry her because of my
personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl
is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is
a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him, "You fxxx her again."
Kruizin Kol
KruizinKombi
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posted on August 21st, 2007 at 02:21 PM
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist
Church Ladies' Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she
Forgot about it until the last Minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and
After rummaging through cabinets she found an angel
Food cake mix and quickly made it. While drying her
Hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up
For Scout camp. But, when Alice took the cake from the
Oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was
Horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no
Time bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so
Want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
Community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for
Something to build up the center of the cake Alice
Found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper She
Plunked it in and then covered it with icing Not only
Did the finished product look beautiful, it looked
Perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
Church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
Instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
Opened at 9:30, and to buy this cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
The attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself
Everyone would know! What would they think of her?
She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.
That night Alice was laying awake in bed thinking
About people pointing their fingers at her and talking
About her behind her back.
The next day Alice promised herself that she would
Try not to think about the cake and she would attend
The fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a
Friend of a friend and try to have a good time there.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess
Was a real snob who more than once had looked down
Her nose at Alice because Alice was a single parent
And not from one of the founding families of
Tuscaloosa.
Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a
Believable excuse to stay away. The meal was elegant,
The company was definitely upper crust Old South...To
Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented
For dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
It being brought in. She started out of her chair to
Rush to the hostess and tell her all about it, but
Before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
Said, "What a beautiful cake!"
"Thank you", said the snobby hostess, "I baked it
Myself!"
)