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 amazeer
A.k.a.: Surly Duff
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Posts: 3029
Threads: 387
Registered: November 14th, 2005
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Location: Wollongong
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Mood: bitter
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| posted on September 11th, 2009 at 09:19 PM |
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I got this one 3 times in email today.
Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus
wouldn't let him go. After copping the "under the thumb" remarks, Mick left to go back home to the missus.
Later, come the following week when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of
the Cooper, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to
drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise."
When I peeled back her hands, there she was standing there in a beautiful see through nightie," she said, "carry me to the bedroom, tie me to the
bed posts then do whatever you want."
"SO HERE I AM!"
 
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 Yogie
Super Moderator
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| posted on December 2nd, 2009 at 05:44 PM |
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Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F. !!!
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volumex
Officially Full-On Dubber
Posts: 389
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| posted on April 30th, 2010 at 09:45 PM |
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Yogie
Super Moderator
Posts: 1603
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| posted on July 24th, 2010 at 09:00 PM |
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What do McDonalds and Australia have in common?
They are both run by red headed clowns!
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Matt Ryan
A.k.a.: Matt Ryan
Fahrvergnugen
Posts: 890
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Location: Port Macquarie NSW
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Mood: Fweemin
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| posted on July 24th, 2010 at 09:35 PM |
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My son sent me this one the other day.
[size=6]Internet Warning: [/size]
If you get an e-mail titled - 'Nude photo of Julia Gillard' don't open it...
It contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard.
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Yogie
Super Moderator
Posts: 1603
Threads: 108
Registered: June 7th, 2003
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Location: Brisbane
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| posted on July 25th, 2010 at 02:01 PM |
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The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Julia and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever speak of this
day and rejoice!"
Julia replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?
Show me."
So the Pope backhanded the self-important , back-stabbing little bitch and the crowd went wild. 
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Smiley
A.k.a.: Daniel Stephens
Veteran Volks Folk
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| posted on August 21st, 2010 at 10:50 AM |
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If history had Facebook updates.
Smiley 
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If you said I was a Volkswagen man, you'd be right.
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Joel
Scirocco Rare
Now containing 100% E-Wang
Posts: 9368
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Location: Northern Rivers NSW
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| posted on November 24th, 2010 at 10:34 AM |
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As someone at the 3 decade mark I got a smile out of this, although my childhood 8-bit gaming console of choice was the Sega Mastersystem 
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with
walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to laya bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I
had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in
the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass!
Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD
players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how
we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! Wehad the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'... Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just
one screen... Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass
and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for
cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in
1980or before!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
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jsheppard64
Officially Full-On Dubber
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| posted on December 1st, 2010 at 07:38 PM |
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got an email from my dad with a snapshot of this ebay listing
mitsubishi express
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vlad01
Compulsive Aussie Vee Dubber
Posts: 4270
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Location: Kyneton, VIC
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| posted on December 2nd, 2010 at 10:12 AM |
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oh oh I know a good one I made up yesterday.
what do women and superchargers have in common.
They both whine and are parasitic.
71 notchback,
Past owner of, 70 NB, 73 SB and 72 FB TLE |
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Ampdub
Officially Full-On Dubber
Posts: 310
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Location: Brisbane, North
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| posted on December 2nd, 2010 at 03:04 PM |
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| Quote: | Originally
posted by vlad01
oh oh I know a good one I made up yesterday.
what do women and superchargers have in common.
They both whine and are parasitic.
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not where i was expecting that to go and made me laugh
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vlad01
Compulsive Aussie Vee Dubber
Posts: 4270
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Registered: June 3rd, 2010
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Location: Kyneton, VIC
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| posted on December 2nd, 2010 at 05:24 PM |
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?? where did you think I was going with that?
71 notchback,
Past owner of, 70 NB, 73 SB and 72 FB TLE |
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Ampdub
Officially Full-On Dubber
Posts: 310
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Registered: May 24th, 2006
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Location: Brisbane, North
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| posted on December 4th, 2010 at 12:48 PM |
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A bad, bad place. But that is just may have been me.......
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vlad01
Compulsive Aussie Vee Dubber
Posts: 4270
Threads: 109
Registered: June 3rd, 2010
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Location: Kyneton, VIC
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Side ways
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| posted on December 5th, 2010 at 07:35 PM |
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oh lol
71 notchback,
Past owner of, 70 NB, 73 SB and 72 FB TLE |
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amazeer
A.k.a.: Surly Duff
Bishop of Volkswagenism
Posts: 3029
Threads: 387
Registered: November 14th, 2005
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Location: Wollongong
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: bitter
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| posted on March 19th, 2011 at 03:31 PM |
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When your fat friend's arm makes you look nude, it's time to tell her about a slimming plan...
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Joel
Scirocco Rare
Now containing 100% E-Wang
Posts: 9368
Threads: 211
Registered: February 14th, 2006
Member Is Offline
Location: Northern Rivers NSW
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Purple
Mood: Tact Level 0.00
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| posted on January 25th, 2012 at 11:52 AM |
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^^ Fat hands have the same effect
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.
Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
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Yogie
Super Moderator
Posts: 1603
Threads: 108
Registered: June 7th, 2003
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Location: Brisbane
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| posted on October 24th, 2012 at 08:45 PM |
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Times are tough in the States:
~ I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
~ Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
~ CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
~ Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
~ A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
~ I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
~ If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
~ McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
~ Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
~ Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
~ My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
~ A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
~ A picture is now only worth 500 words.
~ When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
~ The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
~ Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
~ I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
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 MISS VDUB
A.k.a.: Ash
Super Administrator
Mrs KOMBIBOB
Posts: 2565
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Location: Beautiful Sunshine Coast, QLD
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| posted on October 24th, 2012 at 09:25 PM |
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Making a baby...
This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you..'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is
fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
1963 Single Cab Ute: "El Concreto"
1962 Baja Beetle: "Peanut"
1968 Porsche 912 SWB: "Pip"
1972 Kombi Snail: "The Snail"
2012 Skoda Octavia Scout: "Scout"
2016 Scirocco R: "Rocco"
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matberry
Super Moderator
Go hard or go home
Posts: 8114
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Location: Cooroy Qld
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Mood: enjoying waving at all my Kombi buddies from my T3
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| posted on October 24th, 2012 at 10:01 PM |
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^^^
Matt Berry Motorsports...air cooled advice, repairs and mods Ph 0408 704 662
OFF-ROAD,CIRCUIT,DRAG,STREET,ENDURANCE
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donn
Wolfsburg Elder
Posts: 3515
Threads: 428
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Location: NEWCASTLE NSW
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Mood: LAID BACK AND CONFUSED
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| posted on December 14th, 2012 at 12:58 PM |
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Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the
school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking
part!!"
I dream of a day when a chicken can cross a road without being asked for it's motive!
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modulus
A.k.a.: Peter Hill
Veteran Volks Folk
Posts: 2009
Threads: 76
Registered: July 1st, 2003
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Location: Melbourne
Theme: UltimaBB Pro White
Mood: modular
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| posted on March 13th, 2013 at 03:43 PM |
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Q: How many German absurdists does it take to stage a Japanese "No" play?
A: Nein
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Yogie
Super Moderator
Posts: 1603
Threads: 108
Registered: June 7th, 2003
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Location: Brisbane
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue
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| posted on July 10th, 2013 at 08:57 PM |
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A man was invited to a fancy dress party. When he turned up he was naked with a girl sitting on his shoulders.
When his host greeted him, he was puzzled as to what the man's fancy dress was, so asked the question.
The guest replied that he had come as a turtle.
‘A turtle’ the host enquired still confused, but you have a girl on your shoulders.
To which the guest replied, pointing to the girl, that’s Mi-Chelle
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65standard
Officially Full-On Dubber
Posts: 373
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Location: Sydney, NSW
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Mood: Only when I'm in it.
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| posted on July 16th, 2013 at 01:25 AM |
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A man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator asks, "How do you know?"
The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
[size=4]If it ain't broke, fix it till it is![/size]
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65standard
Officially Full-On Dubber
Posts: 373
Threads: 47
Registered: April 18th, 2009
Member Is Offline
Location: Sydney, NSW
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue
Mood: Only when I'm in it.
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| posted on July 16th, 2013 at 01:29 AM |
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[size=4]If it ain't broke, fix it till it is![/size]
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