Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam (salvo's). They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland, Brighton.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T., Thropton.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at ****tail parties.
L Traintu, Clarkesville.
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any ****tail a bit of "oomph."
James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Charles Holley, Newcastle.
Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.
Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner, Liverpool L17.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
D. Treloar, Wandsworth.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson, Skipton.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes, Middlesex.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock, London.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths, Kent.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson, Southend.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
****e at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher, Wapping.
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
N. Burke, Manchester.
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.
S Goblin, Middlesex.
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid *******s.
M Burridge, Newcastle.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker, Chatham.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
B Morgan, Criccieth.
Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham, Didford.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
P Loft, Gateshead.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey, Essex.
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson, York.
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.
A. Sharp, Birmingham.
Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
temple.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.
Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few **** mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.
A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.
Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you
on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the
blame.
Bastien Phelp, Bath.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.
Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel, Bristol.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis, e-mail.
Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding
irons.
J.T. Thropton.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
J.T. Thropton.
Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
Tim, e-mail
SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Andy Mansh, Cheltenham
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Stephen McGrath, e-mail
WORM farmers Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.
Laurie, France
BAKERS Avoid confusion and imprisonment when carrying desserts through airport customs by referring to Almond and Mocha bombs as Almond and Mocha upside-down cakes.
M Kipling, Guantanamo Bay
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
A Corten, Caerleon
IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.
A Davis, e-mail
WHEN replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
Dr Maldwin Palmer, e-mail
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
Gladdy, Airdrie
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
Clare Hobley (34E), Manchester
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
Tubbs, e-mail
AVOID dogs molesting your leg under the dinner table by coating your trousers below the knee with Ralgex or Firey Jack.
Neil Fortune, Email
RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken.
Grant Warner, New Malden
DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.
Paul Bradshaw, Email
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
James Bell, Email
GUYS. If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste.
E.C. McG., Canterbury
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.
Terry Wilson, Wallasey
ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
Ed Freeman, Email
A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
Bryn Littleton, Chester-le-Street
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Richard Karslake, Oxon
DRIVERS - If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn an wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
twoguns simply aircooled
4,275 posts · joined Nov 2002 ·
Simply Cruzin'...
