Important things I've learned from TV ads

* Fat kids are the funniest characters.
* Only old people make phone calls during the cheap-rate periods.
* Single parents can pick up at McDonalds.
* People have to close their eyes after taking a sip of coffee.
* Only Italians make spaghetti.
* Only Indians make curry.
* Women don't drink beer.
* Chinese can't speak English.
* Aborigines don't exist.
* Girls play tennis, waterski and laugh a lot when having their periods.
* Disposable razors worth a dollar each are designed using space-age technology.
* Your baby is important to corporations.
* Your baby is important to anyone but yourself.
* Really sexy girls with big breasts are waiting for you to call them now.
* All people who buy cars have kids.
* Four-wheel drive vehicles don't go unless someone is playing the mouth organ.
* Children always hug teddy bears when witnessing domestic violence.
* People with good bodies sleep only in white sheets.
* Ignorant people find out about good deals through comparatively well-adjusted workmates.
* Every Australian dreams of owning a house.
* When you get that house, your wife will smile and hug you on the front lawn while a happy real estate agent replaces the 'For Sale' sign with one that says 'Sold!'
* A bloke will always wipe his brow with his forearm after drinking beer from a can.
* Bank tellers are happy.
* Butchers are fat.
* The mature voice-over guy is both familiar with and excited about all of the bands on the CD.
* Railway employees are never of ethnic origin. Female executives all wear glasses.
* Male models stop off for drinks in outback pubs.
* Skateboard riding leads to Coke drinking.
* Milk pours in slow motion.
* Housewives are alarmed when their washing comes out clean.
* Chewing gum is somehow good for you.
* The Vegas Elvis was the only Elvis.
* Priscilla Presley's beauty secret is soap.
* Linda Evangelista eats pizza.
* Pawn shops are jovial joints.
* Voice-over guys can't help but laugh when announcing an up-coming comedy show.
* 'To approved customers' is not an important point.
* Tests have proved something or other.
* Celebrities care about the starving children of Africa.
* Alcohol means good times, dancing and no vomiting.
* Drunk people either die in car accidents or get picked up by The Salvos.
* Models have orgasms when they eat chocolate and ice-cream.

* Camera crews hear about couples who've had good luck with banks, and thus go around to their homes for impromptu interviews.
* The opinions of morons emerging from cinemas are of great value.
* Basketball players are wise.
* People keep walking in front of the camera these days.
* Food or drink is not consumed by fat people.
* And only people who are already fit go to gymnasiums.
* Insecticide is amusing.
* Toilet paper and your arse have nothing to do with each other.
* Neither do tampons and vaginas.
* You obviously need a new TV.
* Stocks are limited.
* Your helpless family is relying on you to choose the right tyre or they will all die.
* Girls always win at the races.
* Make-up is only worn by supermodels.
* Madness and insanity are desirable qualities in some retailers.
* Chefs are up in arms about the increased quality of packet food.
* All letters are mentally read in the voice of the sender.
* All environmentally-safe products make dolphins swim merrily about.
* All Mexicans wear sombreros, have moustaches, are quite stupid and eat nothing but corn chips.
* All American Indians go off the warpath if some form of confectionery turns up.
* All burglars wear black.
* And look left and right before running at the sound of an alarm.
* It's the jeans that make a girl's arse look nice, not her arse.
* Same with bras.
* A male hitch-hiker will always get picked up by a young woman.
* Especially if he's got a guitar.
* A young female hitch-hiker will always get picked up by a truckie who is a top bloke.
* When the last biscuit is eaten, an unhappy hand always fumbles blindly over the empty plate.
* And when a packet or container is empty, some sad-faced dickhead has to turn it upside down and shake it before he's sure.
* You can exist for thirty comfortable years after one shopping trip to a petrol station.
* When men wear brand-new clothes, they have to put their hands in their pockets.
* Come mothers' and fathers' day, Grandma and Grandpa are still alive.
* In the future, everything is white and nobody laughs.
* All Japanese people are intelligent and wear suits.
* Condoms are hilarious.
* All neighbours are friendly.
* Lottery winners throw their money in the air.
* Supermarkets are never crowded.
* When you buy something you are actually saving money.
* People only die in car accidents.
* People don't have sex.
* People don't masturbate.

I never realised that I could learn so much by watching television adverts.

One that was missing is:

Fast food outlet staff are always young, cute and friendly.

* Drunk people either die in car accidents or get picked up by The Salvos.
And end up in Hospital with a Kebab in their hands without knowing how they got it.

* Lottery winners throw their money in the air.
In big trucks on car Ferry's! Have Beer guts and would look more at home pouring concrete.......