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posted on November 19th, 2002 at 08:21 AM
seven reason to cral under a rock
1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon
with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at
home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was
throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted
to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son
to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a
Kotex right in front of our guest. Kate Newman, 46,
Winston-Salem, NC
3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when
my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped
himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he
looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots.They came out so well that I had copies made and
included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days
later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to
discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my
reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
- Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked
if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."-
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at
the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of
nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie,
MD
6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items
at a discount store. When she finally got up to the
checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on
the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER
SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of
the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax"
for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice
boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND
YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN
WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a
little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should
do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room. She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I
thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I
did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick
it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school."
Once you go flat, you never go back!!!!!!
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
Minister of Volkswagenism
Posts: 1922
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posted on November 19th, 2002 at 05:15 PM
Subject: Jerry Springer Show Application Form
How much this reinforced by beliefs in American society when I recieved this from my mate Stewart the other day.
> Last name: ________________
>
> First name: (Check appropriate box)
> (_) Billy-Bob
> (_) Billy-Joe
> (_) Billy-Ray
> (_) Billy-Sue
> (_) Billy-Mae
> (_) Billy-Jack
>
> What does everyone call you?
> (_) Booger
> (_) Bubba
> (_) Junior
> (_) Sissy
> (_) Other___________________
>
> Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
>
> Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
>
> Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
> (_) Farmer
> (_) Mechanic
> (_) Hair Dresser
> (_) Unemployed
> (_) Dirty Politician
> (_) Preacher
> (_) Strip Dancer
> (_) Hooker
>
> Spouse's Name:_________________________
>
> 2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
>
> 3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
>
> Lover's Name:___________________________
>
> Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
> (_) Sister
> (_) Aunt
> (_) Uncle
> (_) Cousin
> (_) Mother
> (_) Father
> (_) Son
> (_) Daughter
> (_) Pet
>
> Number of children living in household: _____
>
> Number of children living in shed: ______
>
> Numbers that are yours: ______
>
> Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
>
> Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
> Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
>
> Total number of vehicles you own: ___
>
> Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
>
> Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
>
> Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
>
> Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
>
> Firearms you own and where you keep them:
> ____ truck
> ____ bedroom
> ____ bathroom
> ____ kitchen
> ____ shed
>
> Model and year of your pickup: 196_
>
> Do you have a gun rack?
> If no, please explain:
>
> Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
> (_) The National Enquirer
> (_) The Globe
> (_) TV Guide
> (_) Soap Opera Digest
> (_) Rifle and Shotgun
>
> Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
>
> Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
>
> Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
>
> How often do you bathe:
> (_) Weekly
> (_) Monthly
> (_) Not Applicable
>
> Colour of eyes:
> Right_____ left_____
>
> Colour of hair:
> (_) Blond
> (_) Black
> (_) Red
> (_) Brown
> (_) White
> (_) Clairol
>
> Colour of teeth:
> (_) Yellow
> (_) Brownish-Yellow
> (_) Brown
> (_) Black
> (_) N/A
>
> Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
> (_)Red-Man
>
> How far is your home from a paved road?
> (_) 1 mile
> (_) 2 miles
> (_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!
> (_) Road?
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
Minister of Volkswagenism
Posts: 1922
Threads: 238
Registered: September 1st, 2002
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Mood: Enlightened.
posted on November 24th, 2002 at 03:47 PM
One for the Sinners
> >There were two nuns...
> >
> >One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
> >and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
> >It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
> >
> >SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
> >thirty-eight
> >and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
> >
> >SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
> >
> >SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
> >most?
> >What can we do?
> >
> >SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
> >
> >SM: It's not working.
> >
> >SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
> >thing.
> >He started to walk faster, too.
> >
> >SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
> >minute.
> >
> >SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
> >I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
> >
> >So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
> >
> >Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
> >about what has happened to Sister Logical.
> >
> >Then Sister Logical arrives.
> >
> >SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
> >Tell me what happened!
> >
> >SL: The only logical thing happened.
> >The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
> >
> >SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
> >
> >SL: The only logical thing happened.
> >I started to run as fast as I could and
> >he started to run as fast as he could.
> >
> >SM: And?
> >
> >SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
> >
> >SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
> >
> >SL: The only logical thing to do.
> >I lifted my dress up.
> >
> >SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
> >
> >SL: The only logical thing to do.
> >He pulled down his pants.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
> >
> >SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >A nun with her dress up can run faster
> >than man with his pants down.
> >
> >And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
> >say two Hail Marys!
[size=4]Bronze.[/size]
Rathmines, Lake Macquarie, NSW.
mattie182
Wolfsburg Wizard
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posted on November 25th, 2002 at 10:34 AM
A nun hops into a cab and says to the taxi driver" Take me home" Sure he says. So they are driving along and the cabbie says, "Sister I
have always wanted to make out with a nun. The sisiter says it would be ok as long as he is a good christian. So the cabbie pulls over and makes out
with the nun.
Anyways, the continue along their drive and the cabbioe says, "Sister I have a confession to make, "I really not a christian at all"
thats ok says the nun, My real name is Bill and Im on my way home from a fancy dress party
:cry
Once you go flat, you never go back!!!!!!
The_Bronze.
A.k.a.: Bronze
Custom Title Time!
Minister of Volkswagenism
Posts: 1922
Threads: 238
Registered: September 1st, 2002
Member Is Offline
Location: Toronto - Westlakes NSW
Theme: UltimaBB Pro Blue ( Default )
Mood: Enlightened.
posted on November 27th, 2002 at 10:48 AM
A Favourite of Mine -
THE ELUSIVE NATURE OF SHIT
Religions of the World
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit happened in my last life, too.
Protestantism: Shit happens cause you don't work hard enough.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you are bad.
Episcopalianism: How Dare Shit Happen?
Lutheranism: Have faith in shit.
Calvinism: Shit that doesn't stink is a sign of being saved.
Baptism: Say Hallelujah to the shit.
Zen: What is the sound of one shit happening?
Moonies: Only happy shit happens.
Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit shit happens happens, Rama rama
Mormonism: Shit happens in both the old world and the new world.
Scientology: Extraterrestrials brought the shit.
Atheism: No shit.
Agnosticism: No shit?
B.C.: What is this shit? I've got to figure it out.
Tucker: You must accept shit because only then will you be free.
Eric: I don't know what shit is, but I do know it is aggravated by a blocked sexuality.
