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posted on December 20th, 2012 at 05:40 AM
Be good, Santa's watching!
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.
Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a
good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you, I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe
at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on
retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.
Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a
complexion that looks like the bottom of the McDonalds fry bin most days.
Very truly yours,
S. Claus
* *
Now look here, Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it.
I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me.
I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I
want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen, Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He
sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake.” Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.
I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your
Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to
stomp a mud hole in
your ass and then walk it dry.
Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa
I dream of a day when a chicken can cross a road without being asked for it's motive!
h
A.k.a.: Towely BuMpEr KING! ILLegal ALIEN on a roadtrip
Scirocco Rare
fractals - an ever changing lifestyle
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posted on December 20th, 2012 at 06:09 AM
haha
That email doing the Xmas rounds again
fractal geometry; the inner most limits of mind altering abuse
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posted on December 20th, 2012 at 10:27 AM
Yep, I send it every year (I think I need a new one)
I dream of a day when a chicken can cross a road without being asked for it's motive!
65standard
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posted on December 21st, 2012 at 03:09 PM
How about this one?
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
[size=4]If it ain't broke, fix it till it is![/size]
whathaveidone
Custom Title Time!
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posted on December 21st, 2012 at 05:31 PM
Not an email or really christmas but its funny and has jesus!!!!
go straight to 1:14
