Bump!
[Edited on 18-10-2004 by jenz58]
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a
drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into
the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "hey!"
the Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark.......how much water did
you drink?!!"
hehe.....
Smart blonde
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, YOU CRETIN! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...
"Because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only in breach of the discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens.
"You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologies, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little creep on your knee."
Y2K Blonde
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me.
At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for this year. The calendars now contain the following new months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, and Saturdak.
Now we are now Y to K compliant...
Chinese Honeymoon
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten.
I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you
wan, you say. Whatchou wan?"
he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his
virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ......numba 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries: "You wan... Beef wif Broccori?
And yes....none of my jokes are PC!
ha ha ,what a blonde moment:P
meetings 1st sunday of the month
check wbsite for location
All Welcome
http://www.flatfour.org/
and on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/FlatFourAAAHAHAHahhahahaaaaaha
hehehehe
Founding member of the C'town Rat-Pack
Blonde Tourists
Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Vegas. The brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level. The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
very funny.....so what did happen to all those planes that were supposed to fall out of the sky????
65 Meyers Manx
68 Country Buggy (KO 367)
68 Country Buggy (KO 669)
68 Country Buggy (KO 789)
68 Country Buggy (KO 815)
68 Baja Bug
76 Baja Kombi Twincab
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO
A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE
ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL
TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES
INTO THE BATHROOM.
WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE:
"LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY
SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW
HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO
WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU.
THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE
STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU"
TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS:
"HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE
WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD
HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"
Lol, now that is good
65 Meyers Manx
68 Country Buggy (KO 367)
68 Country Buggy (KO 669)
68 Country Buggy (KO 789)
68 Country Buggy (KO 815)
68 Baja Bug
76 Baja Kombi Twincab
Here's a good one.....
- Would You Get My Sneakers Please? -
>
>A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
>The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's teenage daughters, both very good looking.
>Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have
>sex with you!"
>
>They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
>
>He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
>
>"Yes, both of them!"
>
65 Meyers Manx
68 Country Buggy (KO 367)
68 Country Buggy (KO 669)
68 Country Buggy (KO 789)
68 Country Buggy (KO 815)
68 Baja Bug
76 Baja Kombi Twincab
ha ha good for a post with no title:duh
meetings 1st sunday of the month
check wbsite for location
All Welcome
http://www.flatfour.org/
and on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/FlatFourHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH!!!!
lol well i want to hear more lol
Is YoUr DaD a TeRrOrIsT cAuSe BaBy YoU dA bOmB
5PL1TDCS10N wrote:
ucking laugh.........I lost it.:thumb ha ha ha..... well done
In court. . . .
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!!" And that's when I shot the little bastard
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some consideration he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would begin by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" but there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" but again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box ...........
"I heard you the first time! ... I'm putting on my f**king shoes"!!!
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl0w job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to
go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, pulled down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST F4RTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
rofl.... should these be in the other jokes thread?
MOB: 0423890217
